TRJ Shrinks Yo’ Mind: Why Some Black Women Can’t Take a Compliment

Awe,  Erin Thanks so much. No apologies for 'ranting', we all have a habit of over sharing in sonnet on this site. But it works, so I'm glad you said what was on your mind.

Your comment reminded me that I am not so much speaking for those who diligently come here (hope you'll come back and visit us more now) but for those who may find these articles later on down the road.

Simply having a question in your head and typing it can help you find out that its not you. And you're not seeing things. You are amazing because you are, no one can take that away from you unless you let them. Don't give them your SPECIAL!! 

 Joyce345 I like compliments and I  thank those who give it, sometimes I'll end up having an interesting conversation (on a few occasions developing friendships) with a person because of that lead in. Other times that's the end of it, which is a good thing with some of the strange men I've met (all races btw) :/ Actually his first impressions really matter. With some people you really want to keep it short.

 Oaktown Paul  Bingo. I would agree that the best types of compliments should be a balance between surface level and general observance. For example, noticing the color of a woman's clothing/nail polish/her cherry red sports car and mentioning that opens up a dialogue about 'something' and not 'someone' (her). It's almost like a personal version of striking up a Home Depot 'hey do you know which caulking works better for outside use?' 

All you want is for her to turn her attention to you, once you disarm her enough that she's paying attention to you, you can go in for the kill. (J/K) :)

Commenting on body parts comes across as crass and too familiar, plus you never know how a woman will react to a strange person showing that they've been diligently observing her body parts. So many men make this mistake and its often just skeevy, even if she allows further dialogue, you'll be working to prove your not a nice guy who has objectifying freak tendencies. 

I must wonder if you distrust compliments, why would that be the complimenter's problem?

@georgiabyen just say thank you, it's not that deep. They're not proposing marriage it's just a compliment.

 SirLoinDeBeef  I agree, there's definitely something there.

 SirLoinDeBeef Dam you, man. I've written four pages of notes on this subject. The mud is deep, my friend. 

Totally agree. I'll sift through meaning when some people express themselves using creatively worded compliments. "You're soft like a Twinkie, girl"....while moving furniture in my bedroom late one night after a few glasses of wine. I'll take am enthusiastic "Goddam!" If I'm really putting it on them. Though, those generic 'you look nice with your hair/clothes like this.....' Comments does make one think the opposite. Are you encouraging me to not look like I did previously or what?! LOL @JennMJack

" She will literally say "I'm not going to compliment you cause you are going to get a big head."

Sometimes black people can seem overly preoccupied with prepping other black people, particularly kids, for how life is going to be. It's as if they think "life is going to be so hard for you, since your black and all, that I don't want you be TOO excited or TOO happy because then you'll just end up being let down.

I've also noticed that black people do this alot with babies.When my own daughter was younger certain people would tell me all the time to stop carrying her around so much, don't spoil the baby. What is wrong with people that they can't even stand to spoil babies? Why do babies, almost from the womb, have to be "roughened" up for the life ahead of them?

What is so wrong with telling someone you look nice today? Perhaps the dress you have on is particularly pretty and caught the person's eye, so they complimented you on it.  Or, if you don't normally wear dresses (people tend to notice what is different, not what is the same) then they may take notice and give a compliment.

 Jamila  Experienced the very same thing with our children!  I remember on one occasion as I was sitting in a waiting room holding my son, who was just a few months old at the time, an older black woman commented that I would spoil him by holding him so much.  I politely responded that you could not spoil a child by giving them attention and a chorus of white women sitting around us spoke up in agreement! 

 Jamila "Sometimes black people can seem overly preoccupied with prepping other black people, particularly kids, for how life is going to be. "

So true. The "struggle" mentality has been passed down, so it's almost as though black children are instructed to do nothing and not bother getting their hopes up or try for better. 

 Toni_M  Jamila This is true. We are hurt. We are broken. We have to be healed. We have to break the cycle. The world absolutely is cruel, but having and perpetuating  a defeatist mentality will never help us reach our goals or create a better legacy to hand down to our children.

 Jamila That is one of the most annoying things people believe about child-rearing. Since when did holding a baby spoil a baby? And why do we need to be hard on one another? I have a kindergartner and a toddler and each of them needs love based on their personality. To think that we have to harden out children does nothing to prepare them for healthy, loving relationships in the future. Thereby, repeating the cycle we're talking about.

I guess my attitude is like, if the rest of the world is so tough, shouldn't your friends and family be a place of respite? I think a lot of Black women have a hard time receiving compliments partly because we're bred early on to distrust and to protect. Compliments reveal a certain vulnerability. We are taught we don't "need" a man to take care of us so thusly,it would follow that we don't need a man telling us we're pretty.

I think Black women are de-feminized to a point that compliments come off as pretentious even when they may be coming from a good place. Just my thoughts.

JennMJackJamila

You brilliantly point out one of the key issues we still face as BW, we've lost our femininity. To be feminine is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and often times in an increasingly aggressive public space(explored in the Street Harassment article), as well as in our own lives, backgrounds, and oftentimes dangerous neighborhoods, we as BW often don't have a safe space with which to be vulnerable, which in turn means we don't have the safe space to be feminine.

Some of this is rooted in America's shameful start as a nation. BM/slaves were intentionally beaten in front of their “wives/ life partners”(though, of an unspecified amount of time the slave owner would allow the two to be together before potentially separating them by way of death or commerce) in order to assert their dominance and ownership over them(i.e. The slaveowner being sure that the women slaves understood that their men can't save them). This left BM emasculated and BW having to pick up where their “husband/life partner” left off if killed or sold. Hence the archetypal BW with neck rolling, finger pointing, “I don't need you”, emasculating, domineering, and severe independent mentality. You weren't allowed to be vulnerable, as you didn't know how long your “husband/life partner” would be around, and lived under a system of tyranny. That archetype still abounds today in the BC(and yes there are other negative archetypes, but it is my opinion that most house this emasculating and unfeminine archetype within themselves). Unfortunately, it was caused by a survivalist instinct in which it sought not only to keep you alive, but also able to cope emotionally. Now, it is still heavily rooted in the BC. While men have their own demons to cast off, I will keep this about Black feminine women.

I know I am an extremely feminine woman. According to all of my friends, by far the most feminine women they know personally(even amongst my nonblack friends). I've been told I could give Dita von Teese a run for her money...and like to think I carry myself with grace.  My point is, I grew up in an occasionally not-so-safe neighborhood. I grew up without a father and positive male interactions. I had many reasons to be hardened and unfeminine that tend to affect my community and thus permeate our culture. I've allowed myself to heal from that though and made it a point to intentionally change and grow into the type of woman I wanted to be instead of being afraid of the vulnerability I would also to face.

My femininity, however, is not just rooted in my back-seam nylons, pencil skirts, and sky high heels. Femininity is ultimately about feeling like you can celebrate your ebbs and flows as a woman, be vulnerable, and hold your self with a grace and manner that is uniquely womanly and strong without feeling the need to assume masculine forms of expression.

At least these are my humble opinions...though sometimes I feel like I could write a book on my journey to regain my femininity as a BW.

 LaFemmeSphinx  JennMJack  Jamila "though sometimes I feel like I could write a book on my journey to regain my femininity as a BW."

You should because I think it's very needed for BW to hear the messages about femininity.  I grew up in a safe, rural environment in a two parent home and even I was conditioned to ignore some aspects of my femininity.  It wasn't until I read "Fascinating Womanhood" this summer that I realized just how much of an issue this is for black women.  Too often, we're taught from childhood to deny or ignore our God-given femininity.  It shouldn't be that way. 

 LaFemmeSphinx  JennMJack  Jamila I channel Dita Von Teese, Mae West, Josaphine Baker, and burlesque dancers. Lots of corsets, high heels and very slow sauntering. My wardrobe is more costumes then clothing, and I love it like that. Now I wanna raid your closet. 

 tracyreneejones    And I, dear one, would like to raid yours! I love corsets! It's hard to find the right ones for me though. I've decided to make one. 

 JennMJack There's a young WW at the gym who is a personal trainer.  She has one of those sophisticated New York model faces, but she has curly hair.  Every time she straightens her hair I tell her how good she looks with straight hair.  First she's shocked that a man would noticed that (naturally all men are brain dead with no sense about what makes a girl look good-----, however, I grew up with all sisters).  Then she says, "that's not the compliment you think it is."   I explain to her that curls say innocence, but her high cheekbones say sophistication-----and innocence and sophistication don't go together.   She says with what she thinks is a knowing smirk, "you obviously know what you're talking about."  So, being unable to take a compliment isn't always a BW thing.  

 FriendsofJay I don't think I said only Black women have a hard time receiving compliments. I am simply referring to the topic of the post.

 FriendsofJay  JennMJack 

" Every time she straightens her hair I tell her how good she looks with straight hair....I explain to her that curls say innocence, but her high cheekbones say sophistication-----and innocence and sophistication don't go together."

Yeah, I wouldn't go there FriendsofJay. Natural hair is a touchy subject. You're basically saying her natural hair doesn't go with her face so she should spend a lot of time and money to look different from how she naturally does. It's also saying that curly hair isn't sophisticated, only straight hair is. You are complimenting something unnatural and temporary. I know you were trying to be nice but with a different woman that could get you a lecture and the opposite response from what you are expecting. There I go making men paranoid about making compliments and qualifying what they can say :( In the same situation I would just say thank you though and ignore the rest and wear my hair however I choose.

Well this is the case of a specific woman and a specific type of compliment. It's similar to what Pick up artists (PUAs) do when they use a technique called negging. They compliment while insulting at the same time to lower a woman's self-esteem so that they are more likely to do things to gain the man's acceptance (e.g., talk to a guy she wouldn't normally be attracted to). Like if a woman has her hair down they say "You would look so good with your hair up" so it makes her self-conscious that she isn't looking good. Or if a woman has nice fake nails a PUA will say, "Beautiful nails, are they real"? Then she will feel self-conscious because they are fake. So when you say "Your hair looks so good straight" it's sort of like the fake nail thing because her straight hair isn't natural. You sort of negged her lol! 

 FriendsofJay  JennMJack " Then she says, "that's not the compliment you think it is."  

She's right. That's not a compliment--that is unsolicited advice. A compliment would be "you look nice with your hair straight" when she has is straight. 

 JennMJack "My mother-in-law does this all the time. She will literally say "I'm not going to compliment you cause you are going to get a big head." What the heck does that mean?"

My Mother did this all the time when I was a young child and someone would compliment me.  She would always speak up and say "Pretty is as pretty does".  Totally took away any good feeling the compliment was meant to convey.  And was an assualt on my self esteem.  It took me years to overcome.  

 The Working Home Keeper Thanks for sharing. I struggled with it for a while thinking that it was an issue of mine. Then I realized that it was her problem. And, everyone else who behaved that way growing up, they had their own reasons for doing so. Its tough at first but I definitely think it made me stronger.

 JennMJack I have to agree that BW have a hard time complimenting each other. I do it often, and I can tell most BW are surprised to hear that from me. I'm figure, I'm thinking it, I might as well say it. What really  helped me delve into acknowledging the aesthetics surrounding me, (particularly with women, and in relation to this post, BW specifically) was having several African friends in high school. When ever I would go to an event hosted by my first gen African friends, their families and their African friends would pay each other and myself(and other guests) wonderful compliments that were genuine and specific. It was a very healing experience at a pivotal time in my development(the teenage years). Just the other day an African woman came up to me and bestowed a lovely compliment. I still compliment women to this day, hoping to spread some of that positive and healing energy I experienced. I guess this was particularly effective because I was dealing with colorism rampant in the BC and any compliments I had gotten were mostly "you're cute...for a dark-skinned girl" or "you'd be really pretty...if you straightened your hair"

I must say, too, that society totally encourages catty behavior as we see each other as competition...and men seem to enjoy being fought over. A beautiful woman walks into a room, and me and my girls have to start pointing out every little flaw(or at least that's the expectation). I just refuse to take part in that negative behavior anymore, and the feminist in me understands the underlying societal pressures stressing that behavior. I compliment women unabashedly so long as I have a genuine comment to say.

 LaFemmeSphinx I feel you. I have had many an awkward moment where a BW is completely caught off guard because I complimented them. I like complimenting folks especially other BW. I love to see us successful. It's society that endeavors to split us asunder.

Same here, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what everyone meant when they would say that. Kids would ask me to speak and say certain words, as if I was a foreigner with a charming accent. This reminded me of the amount of black boys who could do math, and conceptualized economics and other theories far beyond their education. But where does potential go, when you're reminded potential and effort makes no difference when you are black and/or poor. Now I'm sad @Toni_M

 tracyreneejones  Toni_M It's very sad, because who knows what these kids could have accomplished if they weren't encouraged to throw everything away. 

 Toni_M Its not just AAs who think using proper English is bad.  I've been called out for talking "snooty." Explaining I have an MA in English doesn't seem a like very good reason to them.  When you go up in society speaking well is considered a plus, but not when you're talking to the average man on the street.

 FriendsofJay  Toni_M I think this is one of those instances where people criticize others because of what they assume you are thinking about them. Your proper English highlights their shortcomings. So, you have to be doing that on purpose.

 Toni_M  I absolutely relate. My mother was in middle school when they integrated and experienced so many horrific things simply trying to receive her education. She values education despite the fact that she didn't finish college, thus she stressed grammar amongst other academic pursuits. I was always frustrated when members of my own race would suggest that because I used proper grammar I was somehow trying to not  identify with my race. I was would always inform them that they must not know what greatness they came from if they honestly believe that education and the evidence of said education is something only whites can achieve.

 Kiwiwriter My father used to tell me "failure to plan on your part does not create an emergency on my part" whenever I would bring him something at the last minute. 

 Jamila  Ooohhhh, that was/is SO my Mother!

 Kiwiwriter Kiwiwriter, you're a brilliant commenter. One of my favorites. Will you please explain (in exhaustive detail) why Abraham Lincoln pushed so hard for the 13th Amendment? LOL...can't blame a girl for trying...

@Jamila thanks, i also wanted to point out how no black woman is the appropriate shade, nor pretty enough to be allowed to exist with whatever society may deem her to be. It seems BC doesn't encourage appearance, other then being demure, nor intellect because then one is seen as 'white' or 'haughty' because they can read and maybe 'do maf good'.

Awe, thank you for inspiring the theme. I love your writing and I'm supportive of people talking through ignorance, its the only way those who choose to, can learn. We're all learning. I still feel guilty for compliments regarding my looks, and realized that while writing this. Keep up the ire, its making this place more lively. @EarthJeff