Vetting Aabaakawad

One prominent blogger has concluded that, because I made two short comments recently, on a couple of blogs, that were in poor taste, and because she kicked me off her blog four years ago, that I am the stealthiest of stealth concern trolls, spending years gaining you all’s trust so that I can pursue my true an agenda of  “pissing on BW’s heads”. Then she uses me as an example of someone who has been improperly allowed to be a supposed ally due poor vetting by BW.

I believe she is sincere. I think she has held to a formed conclusion reinforced by “confirmation bias”. Confirmation bias is something we all do when we try to generalize without being rigorous. Ideally one would start with a substantial number of measurements or other data, pay attention to all of it (or a large representative sample), and let that data lead you to a conclusion if the trend is clear. Most of us, in every day life, instead have our favorite conclusions about politics, issues or peoples, and only pay attention to pieces of data that confirm our already set conclusion. This has been proven in countless experiments.

A great thing about commenting on the internet is that nothing is secret, and nothing goes away. Almost every thing I’ve ever said can still be found. If you are concerned that Aabaakawad might be a troll, or just curious, you can see most of it, or just take a sampling, from the following links. But only if you actually want to. Life is short. Unfortunately my history at “Loving My Sistas” was destroyed when the site crashed.

 

All About Aaby

Twitter Feed

Facebook Page

Facebook Notes

Blog Posts at BB&W

Livefyre Comments on BB&W

Blog Post  & Long Comments at Siditty

Comments About BWE at The Black Snob

More About Aaby

And below are all my Livefyre comments that have received 8 or more “likes”:

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Likes: 17

Aabaakawad

Apr 1, 2013 from livefyre Yet Another Liberal Horse-Poo Article Confirming the Necessity for BWE…

The analysis of why these boys are like this is spot on, including the historical and current racism that contributes. Then it goes totally whack on what to do about it, with the ass-backwards strategy of NOT disciplining. In order to try to misrepresent the boys to the girls no less.

Now I have to repair a new hole in my wall.

This is bad for everybody, including the boys in question.

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Likes: 15

Aabaakawad

Mar 18, 2012 from livefyre Shutting Up About Black Men (Part 1)

I may be anticipating a future part here. From what I’ve seen, almost all fully-realized BWE practitioners have undergone a process to get there. You can almost string the examples along a line to represent the variety in where they started. A tiny few were raised BWE, some (heavily represented here) started out egalitarian in attraction to races of men, but put energy into trying to hold up the Black construct. Many more (also heavily represented here) started out attached to Black men but open-minded, and put a lot of energy into trying to hold up the Black construct. I can keep describing starting points progressively deeper in the matrix, all the down to the most self-abnegating exploited BW. Even from that last end-point, there are well-functioning BWE practitioners now living well.

My point: Everyone of those women (and people developing into allies) required resources, primarily intellectual & validating, at every stage of their progress. People who started, by fortunate life circumstance, on second or third base seem to be willfully forgetful about those proceeding from 1st base, facing the pitches, or even warming up in the batter’s box.

It all boils down to what purposes of each BWE blog fulfills. Make no mistake, dropping discussion of BM is a conscious decision to abandon those deeper in the matrix, in favor of those rounding third. That would be okay only if they have adequate resources elsewhere.

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Likes: 15

Aabaakawad

Feb 22, 2013 from livefyre Damaged vs. Damaged Beyond Repair vs. Work-in-Progress: What’s the Difference?

 EnJay & kenyatta , the term DBR was created originally to help BW being victimized by family, or serially attracted to unhealthy relationships and friendships, understand that some people around them can’t be helped and must be held at a distance or totally avoided. Especially to avoid DBR men despite the BW’s strong instinct to try to forgive and uplift these men. It’s a variation on “you can’t help those who won’t help themselves”, with emphasis on the dangers of being around a DBR because they victimize.

I will say straight out that many damaged people are NOT works-in-progress, and that is the crucial potentially life-saving distinction. They are damaged BEYOND REPAIR because they have no intention of changing, and recognizing that is often the indispensable key to your own progress.

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Likes: 13

Aabaakawad

Apr 26, 2013 from livefyre Black Women Have a Sickness When It Comes to Hair

I can see Jay-Z in that baby, yet she’s really cute. Kinda relieved.

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Likes: 11

Aabaakawad

Apr 10, 2013 from livefyre Question of the Week: Rainbeau Needs Advice on Dating Older Black Women

Just don’t call her “Stella”.

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Likes: 11

Aabaakawad

Nov 30, 2011 from livefyre Book Discussion: “Is Marriage for White People?”

A large component of the blowback is that it wraps up, with a pretty bow, the death of a dream. A great many women wanted with all their heart to see a healthy self-contained Black community with a separate affirming culture. It isn’t just the idea of Black love, but the fantasy of the Black “village”. Integration implies eventual disappearance, dissolving into a mainstream culture that many Black women believe hates them.

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Likes: 11

Aabaakawad

Apr 7, 2013 from livefyre A White Guy’s Honest Opinion About Black Women…and Their Weight.

 foreverhopeful  imahrtbrkbeat  keimiasmoon It’s because so many women abuse the term curvy when they are really just overweight. You are paying for the sins of others.

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Feb 21, 2013 from livefyre A Self-Proclaimed ‘DBR’ Black Woman Reaches Out To Us. It’s a Bird’s Eye View Into How Some of Us Are the Way We Are.

Therapy is a good thing, and I appreciate the help I have received in the past, but in some cases, like mine, the person is still stuck even after thoroughly understanding their behavior and why they have emotional illness. I didn’t break through until I was medicated, and it was dramatic. Depression, bipolar, and anxiety disorders are fortunately often medically treatable. Keep up the therapy and other life improving activity, but don’t be afraid to explore adjusting your brain chemistry. It might give you the edge you need to get traction in getting better.

Does your dilemma go a bit like this?:

You want, naturally enough, a strong supportive partner that is doing well, but you don’t believe such a man would understand you or trust you to thrive. And you feel only a damaged man would want you.

I think you are right, but I see a way out. You are not DBR, because you have insight and are working to better yourself and protect your daughter. And that’s the kind of man you should seek: someone who also is scarred and came out of a difficult family of origin so is currently struggling, BUT has insight into his situation and is working to better himself with a realistic course of action. A man raising a child or two might even be best, but only if he is doing a good job of it.

On a whole ‘nother note, my best friend in college was 5’0″ with eczema over half his body. He went on to be happily married for 25y and counting with two kids. He was recently Chief Scientist for the Air Force. Eczema sucks, but it’s not a life-killer.

I wish you happiness and progress.

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Mar 22, 2013 from livefyre The Five Stages of Black Woman Grief, Part 1

 Lannie Number of replies doesn’t necessarily translate into approval. Happy subjects are usually simpler than unhappy ones, so there is less to say, and of course controversy generates the most comments of all, agreement the least.

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Mar 18, 2013 from livefyre Lets Talk About ‘Rape’ and ‘Consent’, Steubenville High School Edition

Actually, there is nothing a woman can do or be that gives anyone the *right* to have sex with her w/o consent. That includes being married. The is no way to construct an enforceable contractual obligation for sex. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. Coerced consent is not consent. Consent can not be given by a representative or a guardian. Nudity is not consent. Being in someone’s bedroom, or even bed, is not consent.

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Apr 19, 2013 from livefyre Random Thoughts About the Boston Bomber–What’s Your Take?

 hummingbird78 *pearls scatter on the floor*

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Feb 25, 2012 from livefyre What Da Cuss x100: Club Owners Pit Light-Skinned Girls Against Dark-Skinned Girls Under Guise of ‘Racial Pride’

Next week … Battle of the Hairstyles! … Natural vs. Weave vs. Relaxed

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Apr 25, 2013 from livefyre Why We <em>Don’t</em> Talk About Black Men: A Response Post Of Sorts…

 thecrazyartist  BeautyIAM  kia Become a moderator — we can edit.

I was hoping you liked filthy men. ;)

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Likes: 10

Aabaakawad

Apr 7, 2013 from livefyre A White Guy’s Honest Opinion About Black Women…and Their Weight.

Here are two expression of an opinion I see a lot. I think this is self-protection against feeling judged:

WorldTravelingChic ~ “Be fit and athletic for your own self, for your health and well-being. Not so you can look sexy for someone else or so white men can find you attractive.”

[But elsewhere, WTC makes some more nuanced statements.]

Lexi88 ~ “…the idea that black women or any women should lose weight to get or keep a man is pretty disturbing. Maintaining a healthy weight should never be about a man. Your health is your life. Lose weight for you, not your man or society.”

Ehrm… Really? No argument from me about health being important, or even the stronger reason. But to say that being motivated to be thinner or in better shape because that will increase your attractiveness to your target group is illegitimate? Why? We do all sorts of things in the service of increasing attractiveness or to please a partner, some of them physical, some intellectual, some about style, some behavioral.

But losing weight or increasing fitness to be more attractive? Unh uh, shouldn’t do that for that purpose.

Look, I wouldn’t want anyone to obsess over this, or despair because of natural limits to what they can do. But better luck in the attraction business is a perfectly fine motivation to get healthy. Doesn’t negate being motivated by the health itself.

Works for me. I am right now losing weight to be more attractive. Doesn’t mean I am shallow or too concerned with the opinions of others. I can’t get taller, but I can get smaller and more fit. Simply being more healthy has only been motivation enough for me to maintain a steady weight, not lose it.

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Likes: 9

Aabaakawad

Jan 27, 2012 from livefyre Friday Funny: Welp, I Got Nothing.

You’ve got a team here. Delegate, and show the distractors what an enterprise can do. The best revenge is success.

My latest conversation: ForumPress

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Likes: 9

Aabaakawad

Apr 30, 2013 from livefyre Asian Mothers are CRAY!! Second Story I’ve Heard of Moms Threatening Suicide Over Black Girlfriends!

 LorMarie It’s not universal. Asian parents who grew up in America, Canada, Europe, or the Caribbean, where mixing is common, will probably not be like this. Filipinos are more open.

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Likes: 9

Aabaakawad

Dec 25, 2011 from livefyre Photo of the Day: CLAAASSIICC!

Crouching Toddler, Hidden Daughter meets The Unbearable Lightness of Being Photographed

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Likes: 9

Aabaakawad

Feb 7, 2012 from livefyre Could the Message Be in the Music? What White Kids Listen to Versus What Black Kids Do.

As far as what effects kids, it’s the trashy radio songs that matter.

My latest conversation: ForumPress

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Likes: 9

Aabaakawad

Nov 30, 2011 from livefyre Book Discussion: “Is Marriage for White People?”

Most of these academics came up through the apologist AA Studies route, which is part scholarship and part indoctrination.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

Jan 11, 2012 from livefyre Attention, Lurkers! Open Mic Question of the Week!!

, It is in the nature of men to desire to have power over a woman (or women) if this instinct is not tempered by conditioning. Our animal nature is also tuned to seek youth. I am NOT defending this, just explaining. Abusive, jealous, controlling behavior is a developmental failure in the forming of a male personality. Incomplete sexual socialization. The manboy is left with his instincts instead of empathy.

Sadly, it’s a common condition due to the prevalence of neglect or other deprivation in the childhood of many boys. Or the men around them are this way, so proper behavior does not get modelled. Boys can not reliably learn mature behavior from the instruction of women (mothers, etc.), through no fault of these women. I sincerely believe it is neurological. Boy’s brains seek and need male modelling to form behavior patterns in adolescence.

This man you know is one of these dangerous underdeveloped personalities. It isn’t so much that he has been twisted as that he has failed to progress psychosexually. But that doesn’t make him any less predatory. Stay the hell away. It’s possible he might try aggression if persuasion doesn’t work. He has very warped ideas of male-female relationships and undoubtedly feels entitled at some level.He is easy to spot. It’s the smooth, intelligent, functional variety of this beast that is the truly threatening hazard, because his dysfunction is harder to spot.

My latest conversation: ForumPress

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

Nov 30, 2011 from livefyre Book Discussion: “Is Marriage for White People?”

I’ll address two of your issues.

People put effort into pursuing change according to their NEED, not according to their responsibility for the problem, or their ability to contribute. WM are not in difficulty. Some of us are interested in IR, but only as a supplemental option. So few WM are motivated to take this on as a project.Hostile environment? Or just uncomfortable? I have no first-hand knowledge, but I hear over and over again that IR can be frustrating but generally LESS hostile than Black romance.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

Mar 24, 2013 from livefyre Old Rape, New Rape, Borrowed Rape, Blue Rape

“This is not a girl power conversation. This is not a parenting conversation. This is a culture conversation.”

It’s a culture without compassion, in the personal, and in the political. In a culture without compassion, inevitably it is the vulnerable who suffer. And are blamed.

Yes, we need to teach our boys not to rape, and what is rape. But those teachings only make sense within a culture of compassion, otherwise the boys will frame it as a matter of consequences to themselves rather than not causing harm, so they will simply try not to get caught.

I don’t think there is very much authentic shame anymore.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

5 days ago from livefyre Gabourey Sidibe on Jason Collins:”Every Woman Has Dated a Gay Man At Least Once”

Interesting line of thinking, how allowing gays to be out comfortably helps straights.

It would help me. I have a few characteristics people associate with gayness when they occur in a man:

Uninterested in sports.

Doesn’t stare at attractive women. (I glance and imprint.)

Doesn’t trash talk about sex.

Likes to cook.

Caregiver, both personally and professionally.

A good counselor.

Enjoys children and small dogs.

Supports gay rights.

Feminist.

Peacemaker.

Usually not aggressive or dominant. (I can be when it is needed. I have some stories.)

Artistic.

Please realize I have a much longer list of masculine traits, but you see my point.

When gays no longer get trapped in the closet, straight people who are like me will be granted more credibility in asserting a straight identity.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

9 days ago from livefyre As a Black Woman I Do Not Support Charles Ramsey!

 ms. d  Elegance

Christelyn is a risktaker and gives guest bloggers the opportunity to risk failure. Her target audience is composed of BW, and their allies, who are comfortable with their assumptions or opinions being challenged.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

Apr 1, 2013 from livefyre Yet Another Liberal Horse-Poo Article Confirming the Necessity for BWE…

Hmmmm… I’m fantasizing about a coordinated comment section invasion to the post. Not just as a catharsis, but to actually shame this shit.

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Likes: 8

Aabaakawad

Apr 1, 2013 from livefyre The Feminist Backlash Continues: Princeton Alumn Advises Women to Seek Out Their Future Husbands in College | Beyond Black & White

 FriendsofJay  Sunshine789

You are paying for the behavior of other men. When a man starts telling a woman something about her is “sexy”, as often as not it is a precursor to hitting on her, and her only defense  against THOSE men is to throw up a firm barrier. Frankly, as soon as I saw that word “sexy”, I was thinking “uh oh”. I never use that word, or imply that concept, with any woman who doesn’t already know me well enough to trust me.

 

The Man Myth