Video Interview: Jordan Harbinger On the Dating and Mating Practices of Rainbeaus!

Alana 2

Hi, Alana. I would think the answer would depend, at least in part, on where you moved from, and where you moved to.

ForestElfQueen I need a drink.

eugeniamitchell LOL! me too!

ForestElfQueen I got some Pink Moscato my husband bought me, dang kool-aid wine but it's good in a pinch. LOL. You know I adore you guys, one minute I'm pissed the next minute I'm laughing. I had a nap, I needed one I was getting pissy. LOL.

Pearl I have 2 teenaged nieces one is 14 and the other is 15 and they feel the same way, they see color but they just don't care.

Pearl "If your nice and sweet enough, even if they have girlfriends they'll still hang out and buy you ice-cream... Kind of like the bar.. but not the bar"

lol! ^.^

Pearl

"Boys see boobs before color"

Not always true. Some of us see long, slender legs in heels and then work our way up. Just saying.

Law WanxiPearl At least you keeps it real Law LOL.

Brenda55

I weep at the thought.

As for reply issues, try closing and opening your browser. Sometimes, that helps, especially in Chrome.

I just realized that a large part of my post made absolutely no sense if someone hadn't seen 'Top Gun' and 'Zoot Suit'. If you haven't seen 'Zoot Suit', it's on Netflix. It has Edward James Olmos in it as a baby and women tell me that makes them all weak and dizzy. Especially in that black Zoot Suit.

Law Wanxi Contacted cust serv. Got great response and the prob. solves. Thanks 2u both.

Brenda55 And if your mom had waited for the man to step to her off in the town's soda shoppe, you wouldn't be posting tonight, as there would be no you.

I love a happy ending!

Brenda55

The difference between love and war is the Geneva Conventions.

Brenda55

It must be a film festival for me tonight. OK, rules and mores have changed and change is painful, but often necessary for the success of the organisation, even if that organisation is just one person. Introductory approaches are evolving over time. The princess in the tower serenaded by troubadours is past it's sell-by date. Things have changed, and, I might add, for the better for all concerned.

Film of a woman, sitting at B&N, or Sbux or 'a venue', waiting for a reasonable facsimile of a guy to step to her, in a world where women go after who and what they want. What do the Foley artists put it for the ambient noise? Sound of a lonely woman getting older.

Law WanxiBrenda55 What is this about women stepping up to men, I'm sorry there is story after story on this blog of men still stepping to women. You know if men want to opt out of being men and making a move then I think women should be able to opt of their womanly part too. So it gets to the point where he's feeling all tingly she should be able to say, I'm feeling shy I don't think I should have to do this. Then the guy can step to himself and take care himself and I'm sure he will.

eugeniamitchellBrenda55

Let's just agree to disagree. In your worldview, the guy has to put himself out for some possible abuse and humiliation as part of the ritual and that's OK, because there are plenty of guys who buy into that.

In my world, women hit on me and I'm OK with it. I know you think these women are not nice because they aren't maintaining the, IDK, blockade, but generally, they're actually just ordinary women who don't wait, who make their own luck. I don't send them packing with an emotional bead-down if I'm not interested. I'm polite. They understand politeness

What I do object to is your strident emasculation of men who can't or won't be a little meat-puppet, dancing before the princess, as not a man or not men enough. You have no idea how bad it is for some of these MEN.

Case in point. I watched a Explosive Ordinance Disposal tech de-fuse an IED in a pile of refuse on the way to the Airport in 2005. Made a bomb into not a bomb with a few hand tools, and massive courage. Two weeks later, I ran into the same guy, floundering around, trying to talk himself into saying "Hi" at a gathering of contractors in the Green Zone, to some pretty woman who works for Raytheon and ultimately not trying. I picked her up and out and pretty much handed her to him. I hope he got lucky. I did that because I was grateful for his defusing something that might have killed me.

In your worldview, he isn't a 'real man' because of the 'can't step to' birdspeech. No cookie for the EOD tech. That's just wrong.

Law WanxieugeniamitchellBrenda55

"I picked her up and out and pretty much handed her to him. "

A 3rd party intro is totally acceptable & honorable in the Courtship Gospel Acc'd to FEQ. lolz

Law WanxiBrenda55 Wow what's with all the hostility when I say a man should actually try to approach a woman for a date. Every time a man does that does not mean she's going to blow him out of the water, especially if she's giving off signals she may be interested in him. I never emasculated any man, he emasculates himself he expects me as a bw to jump through hoops of fire to be with him. I'm sorry you're not that special. I didn't say he wasn't a real man, I said he was lazy man. I don't think this men aren't asking women out b/c they're scared I think they're lazy and yea I said it. You don't know my worldview b/c you don't know me, you've made a bunch of assumptions about me that I am taking as a flat out insult. You've inferred on me b/c you lack the character to treat a woman as she should be treated. Once again I am not asking men to do anything they haven't already done in the past, if you don't like it, too bad you miss out. Men have lots of options of finding women including online and match-making which can eliminate their all their fear of being abused and having their egos crushed under boots. We all take a chance with rejection when we date, women take it just like men. Now if I met a bw that didn't want to date b/c she fear a wm rejecting her I'd tell her the same thing, either you take the risk and get the reward or you don't. You know what’s really crazy I think about this shy guy thing and the dudes are saying yes we can be shy as Wm/non-bm but instead of saying hey wm y’all man up and ask these beautiful bw you want to date out be like you are w/ other women, no he blames the bw for appearing too tough and intimidating and we’re ordered to once again to adjust ourselves so shy Wm can feel ok. He blames the bw for the guys shortcomings in asking us out and hints we need to do something about it. Oh I’m so done. You take that mess and shove it.

eugeniamitchellLaw Wanxi

I take it you ain't digging this.

http://soulbounce.com/soul/2008/09/morning-soul-heres-my-number-and-a-dime.php

Brenda55Law Wanxi LOL.

Brenda55Law Wanxi But you took me back in the wayback machine though. LOL.

eugeniamitchellBrenda55Law Wanxi hahaha

Law WanxiBrenda55 And I could give a hey about ppl setting up ppl on dates that's what match-makers do. It's a viable option. Heck I met my ex-husband on a blind date.

And I met mine through a matchmaker... he saw my picture, knew I was a BW and was like, "Yeah, I'd like to meet her." They asked me and I gave my approval and bam... a date where no one had to get all freaked out about race! eugeniamitchell Law Wanxi Brenda55

Bunny77eugeniamitchellLaw WanxiBrenda55 that's so cool B77!

Bunny77Law WanxiBrenda55 yea set up is always a good option, if you can find someone to set you and someone else up on a date, someone reliable or a match-maker I say do it. There are so many options when it comes to IR dating, where shy men can find a woman and yea woo her and sweep her off her feet without the fear of terrible rejection. It's possible, but that still don't mean I would advocate in RL that a bw ask a man out. I'm sorry, even my husband agrees with this. Because even if you get set up, you still have to be a man and woo the woman.

Thank you! It was a great experience... the ladies were such lovely people and really cared about their "clients." The funny thing is, as soon as my husband arrived, she said she just knew this was the guy for me. I was like, "okay, yeah yeah..." :) She was soo right! My husband is a take-charge guy in his career life, but he's shy and reserved too. He did a lot of his dating online and then tried the matchmaking service as well. Wasn't particularly looking for a BW, but said, "hey, why not?"

That's why I say that it's not about all of this, "Approach a BW and maybe get shot down badly," narrative that people are emphasizing. There are SO many ways to meet women in the 21st century... yes, there are flaws in those methods as well and they can be overwhelming, but I think shy guys today actually have a pretty good deal... in my office alone, there are three "internet marriages." They're all involving WW/WM, but the men are all the reserved, quiet, IT guy types that struggled "out there" in the dating world. But they're happily married and some who want kids have gone on to have them with their wives... all because they were able to do the initial steps on the Internet or through a third party.

ForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellLaw WanxiBrenda55

Bunny77ForestElfQueenLaw WanxiBrenda55 I know a bunch of ppl like this too. My husband's bf's sister is getting married in April in San Diego to an English guy she met on match.com. She's gorgeous, the all American blonde girl and he's kind of nerdy. So yea there are gorgeous women of all races out there on the internet and in match-making spots waiting for some nice man to sweep her off her feet. Use every possible resource you can, you'd be unwise not to.

Yep, that reminds me of one guy in my office. Kinda pudgy and average height, prematurely graying, horn-rimmed glasses... got himself a cute blonde wife with a pixie cut and lots of energy. He's got pictures of their daughter all over the office and one has her dressed as a pumpkin for Halloween. He was beaming as he was talking about how he took her out for her first trick-or-treat night. Oh, and he's 42 and his daughter is 3, so he was out there a while before marrying... but he didn't give up, used the Internet and now is happy as a clam and his wife feels like she's the lucky one. eugeniamitchell ForestElfQueen Law Wanxi Brenda55

Bunny77 Oh what an adorable story and yea I see those a lot. More and more ppl are comfortable saying we met online, used to be not many ppl would tell. But now it's no biggie. I don't know how many ppl get in relationships or get married from online but I think it's a good number and getting bigger all the time.

Bunny77 I'm getting off the internet b/c I'm feeling some sort of way today it's Friday the 13th and it's not that great. I don't want to end up like Chocomusings LOL. Bye!

eugeniamitchellBunny77 LOL! self-bannage would be a weird thing.

Law WanxieugeniamitchellBrenda55 This is a bit off topic, but a motorcycle with an empty sidecar is also a chick magnet - the pillion seat on a triked-bike is, too, but it helps to have snagged the girl 1st (as in ring-on-finger).

Bunny77eugeniamitchellLaw WanxiBrenda55 I met my DH online(on a now-defunct international dating site) too. Before that I had set-ups/ hack matchmmakers, chance meetings etc....& way back when, after i divorced my 1st husband(early 90s), i did personal adverts in print(p.o. boxes, letters, voicemail..rarely with photos to go by). It was hilarious! Overall, it was a lot of fun!

Law WanxieugeniamitchellBrenda55

I am going to throw out another point to consider. We sometime limit males to rather narrow parameters of expression and behavior. Women have fought long and hard to be seen, to act and be allowed to express themselves in a wider range of ways than in the past. Is that not what we as black women are doing here and on other IRR and BWE blogs? Why not allow this option for men? What is a "real man"? How does a "real man" act? I do not think that there is, should be or really can be one answer to that question.

SirLoinDeBeefLaw WanxieugeniamitchellBrenda55

lolz

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgc5ul9cht1qz5q5oo1_500.jpg

http://theselvedgeyard.wordpress.com/2009/01/22/sidecar-conversation/

http://theselvedgeyard.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/four-wheels-move-the-body-but-two-wheels-move-the-soul/

Brenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell

"...I do not think that there is, should be or really can be one answer to that question."

i agree. at best it's 'a one size fits most' thing. OTOH I just don't know how 'evolved' ppl really are. & How does what some men *say* they'd like(ie women asking them out or even proposing marriage) measure up to what actually plays out.

there have always been exceptions and outliers but i try to give practical, general advice.

eugeniamitchellBunny77 "More and more ppl are comfortable saying we met online, used to be not many ppl would tell. But now it's no biggie."

true. i remember some relatives being kinda o.O about the online thing. ...esp. one of my great aunts gasping "from the computer?!?"*clutching pearls* haha

Brenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell Speaking as a WM (from the suburbs) , lont-time married to a BW, I observe two distinct demands for male behavior:

(A). The take-charge, Alpha male, confident, knowing what her wants - approaching an AA, 'cutting the heifer from the herd,' step-up-to-the-plate & swing-for-the-fence ... taking her manfully away to interact one-on-one, in a quiet spot.

(B), but once there, that self-same male is expected to be deferential to the needs of women ... to be courteous, tender & considerate ... to be able to instinctively anticipate an AA's needs and react to them appropriately.

I see a disconnect between (A) and (B).

Akin to reading too many Harliquin romance novels, then expecting flesh-and-blood men to live up to the ideal.

eugeniamitchellLaw WanxiBrenda55ForestElfQueen

I was reading this conversation and there seems to be such a disconnect. I don't think anyone was suggesting that just BW, "make their own luck." I think we were talking about dating across the board... at least I was. Maybe I started this way back when (oops!). I just meant that some guys are shy/socially awkward NOT because its a bw, but because they are in general. I don't think anyone was suggest that there are special rules JUST for BW.

Some girls sit and others "make their own luck," while maintaining their lady-hood (guy remains the pursuer). Granted I don't think "making their own luck," should be extensive... it seems like putting too much effort into someone you don't even know to me to try to trap him into asking you out. lol

Anyway on a less hostile topic. lol All this talk about shy guys reminds me of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPeE1kW4XdU

SirLoinDeBeefBrenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell "to be able to instinctively anticipate an AA's needs and react to them appropriately."

do AA women have special needs?

SirLoinDeBeefBrenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell BTW, i'm not asking in snarkilicious way.. i'm thinking about it too.

SirLoinDeBeefBrenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell

So we can look for a beta male with alpha tendencies, lol. I get the disconnect so maybe that's the solution, no?

Mocha ZSirLoinDeBeefBrenda55Law Wanxieugeniamitchell i'm thinking betas still have survival(mating) instinct too, no?...so while he might not swagger over and pry a gal from the clutch, he could still sidle up to a lone straggler. lolz