One morning I woke up to find out that I’m a statistic. You know the one I’m talking about. It goes a little something like this: An African-American woman is more likely to find herself torn apart by a bomb in lower Timbuktu after a side trip to Outer Mongolia than she is to find herself married.
Well when I heard this, I did what every other unmarried A.A. woman I know did (And apparently, we are legion): I panicked. Desperately, I called married friends for fix-ups and I signed up for Internet dating. And then I did the worst possible thing a single woman can do. I submitted myself to the ministrations of older female relatives who had been begging me for years to “let me talk to Hattie (Pearl, Hester, Maggie, etc.). They’ve been trying to palm—uh get Pookie (Clarence, Tom, Debo, whatever) married for a min—whoops, I mean they’ve been trying to uh…uh…”
And finally unable to avoid my suspicious glare or keep up the absurd charade any longer, she decides on the truth, served up with a slice of major attitude of course: “Look, girl, he’s single with a J.O.B. You want me to call or not?!”
The good news about all of that is that some of it worked. The bad news is that none of it worked well. I started seeing a long, lanky artist who didn’t tell me until way too late that he believed wholeheartedly in the old adage “Love the one you’re with.” And since I live in Chicago, and he in California, there was hardly ever going to be any loving coming my way. Moving on.
Then there was the widower who was such good husband material that all he talked about on our date was his wife who’d been dead for two years. NEXT!
And lastly, we have the little Serbian, so called because he’s well…little and a Serbian. The only part of that sentence I had a problem with was the ‘little’ part, but I was willing to adjust. That was because I hadn’t had anyone look at me the way he had in a very long time. He looked at and talked to me like I had hung the moon and had tossed a few stars around it just for kicks. Oh, but then it happened. He got too close too soon; acted like he wanted to own me. Not only moving on, but boning up on stalking laws just in case.
And that brings me to the point I’m at now: still looking. I almost put a new ad on the dating site: Definition of an IDEAL MAN: Picks up socks, puts down toilet seat and takes pride in giving his woman orgasms.
But why settle?
There’s a wonderful song by One Eskimo featuring Candi Staton in which a man is asking a woman what another man had done to get her to leave him. All she says is he called her baby, but it’s the way she says it.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to settle for anything less than a man who can inspire me to say my man calls me baby (or darling, sugar, honey) in the same way she says it.
Lisa G. Riley is an author who writes multicultural fiction in several genres, including romantic suspense, erotica and paranormal. Her latest book, Give Yourself to Me, was released August 31st from Loose Id . Please visit her at www.lisagriley.com or www.lisagriley.wordpress.com.
Many of you might not know this but last week my five-year-old son fell down the stairs. I didn’t see it, but I heard the kerplunk from across the house. Quick check: no bleeding, no goose egg, he asks to play with the neighbor boy, I let him, neighbor boy’s dad comes over about 20 minutes later to tell me that my son blew chunks on his son’s dinosaurs. Neighbor boy’s dad is almost seven feet tall, so my first–no second– thought was to put on my Aunt Jemima scarf with a scrub brush and Comet.
Then it dawned on me. Fall + hit in the head + chunk blowing = possible concussion.
Now I have to go off on a tangent for a sec. I. HATE. EMERGENCY ROOMS. The reasons should be obvious, but, okay, I’ll tell you: I pick the absolute perfect time of night to arrive at the ZENITH of activity. And then there’s that guy who looks like he’s about ready to see God and some staff person needs his signature on the thing-y. Or on the other end of the stethoscope, there’s the near-toothless woman with the pack of cigarettes in her hand rocking in pain because she’s taking so much meth her teeth are vaporizing.
Good times.
So okay, I know I have to take my son into ER, especially since he threw up a second time on the bed/cot in urgent care. I gotta tell you I’m a wimp because I screamed with every ounce of girl in my body when Zachary vomited laying on his back. It looked like a spastic volcano. Or that scene from The Exorcist.
So we’re in the emergency room and I tell the attendant who just walked over the old lady groaning on the floor that my son keeps vomiting and I’m worried he may have a head injury. He barely looks up to give me this:
Notice the fancy marks on it to measure how much upchuck someone spews? It also has a nice ring around the mouth area so as to protect other ER prisoners from side-spew trajectory.
So after three hours I stood next to my son and, in a show of solidarity, braved the radiation equivalent to a mini-atom bomb when they put him in the cat scan space ship. Scan was negative, but…somehow, after losing five hours of my life and acquiring a faint greenish glow, I felt a little cheated.
So I took the barf bag home as a souvineior. Then I took a loooooooong look at it:
Is it just me, or could this thing double as a jimmy hat for King Kong?
Just saying.
Happy Friday, ya’ll!
Los Angeles Sentinel, September 2, 2010
Christelyn D. Karazin
Last week I caught wind of an NFL football player who had so many kids by so many different women that when asked, had trouble naming all his eight children by six different mothers. Oh, and four of the eight are three years old–and they are not quadruplets.
This is an embarrassing and shameful example of how the out-of-wedlock
epidemic in our community (now at 72%) is becoming so normalized as to make many of us apathetic. But as we throw up our hands and tsk-tsk, not enough outrage is given to the children of this chaos: Fatherless children are nine times more likely to end up in jail, 10 times more likely to be drug abusers, nine times more likely to drop out of school, and 20 times more likely to have behavioral problems than children from intact homes.
Bob Herbert, a black New York Times columnist, penned a piece,Too Long Ignored, in which he bemoaned, “That the Black Community has not been mobilized en masse to turn this crisis around is a screaming shame. He goes on to suggest that solving the crisis requires heroic efforts, not from the government or the wider American society. “This is a job that will require a campaign on the scale of the Civil Rights Movement, and it will have to be initiated by the Black Community.”
Well Bob of the New York Times, here we are.
On September 22, 2010, I have had the honor of organizing the first-ever
online civil rights march, dubbed “No Wedding No Womb!” (NWNW) A confederation of like-minded bloggers, authors, artists and entertainers are banding together to say: ENOUGH! Fifty-six bloggers have signed on to date, and more join daily. We blog in tandem, not unison. Each participant will bring forth his and her own truth, experiences, and suggestions for change.
“No Wedding No Womb!” is a declaration and acknowledgement that the
out-of-wedlock situation in the black community has reached a critical mass. It is a call for both men and women to take into account the trauma that motherless or fatherless children experience when procreating is taken so cavalierly.
“The Black Community is only as strong as the sum of its parts. Fractured
families leave weakened individuals. While it’s wonderful that women are
spearheading this initiative, ultimately it’s up to the males to step in and
live up to their responsibilities as well as police the behavior of those who’ve fumbled,” says NWNW soldier, Faith Dow, blogger for Acts of Faith In Love and Life.
I and my writing partner, Janice Rhoshalle Littlejohn, have managed to band liberal and conservative, Republican and Democrat, pro-black lovers, pro-interracial lovers, online heavyweights and lightweights in a call to action. September 22, which happens to be the 148th anniversary of President Lincoln’s signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, aims to loosen the shackles of the economic and emotional enslavement caused by the normalization of baby mamma and daddy-ism.
“The destruction of the black family is the direct cause of the destruction of the communities we live in,” says NWNW participant, Lamar Tyler, a filmmaker, and blogger for the widely-acclaimed BlackandMarriedwithKids.com, and guest blogger for Essence.com.
But whose fault is it? Frankly, I’m less concerned about who’s to blame. I
see a lot of black men and women pointing fingers and breathing fire at each other, but if they shut up for one minute and looked down into the eyes of the child that witnesses this vitriol, they’ll see hurt, anger, pain, and resentfulness. Hatred of men. Hatred of women. Irreparable damage that will express itself in a host of self-destructive behaviors.
In this ridiculous blame game, people want to excuse and dismiss, call for a study, blame slavery, blame white people, blame rap music… the list goes on. And while everyone is rushing to defend their actions, nobody will ask the kids what THEY think about not having the God-given right to have both parents who are functional and committed in the home.
Nobody asks, because everyone knows the answer. And so the cries of children are smothered by adult actions of self-indulgence and lack of foresight. It’s uncomfortable to hear that you’ve done something wrong, and I understand that; but frankly, I don’t care about a little hurt feelings. “No Wedding No Womb!” is about our children, who are our future, and who need us to fight for them with all we’ve got.
I should know. I am a ‘baby momma’ to a wonderful, beautiful and intellectually-gifted 12-year-old girl.
This is my column from yesterday’s Madame Noire, and I thought that since my hair is starting to fall out from all the NWNW prep, you wouldn’t much mind a little recycling. It’s either this or still photos of fuzzy kittens and bunnies. (Just an aside, but the guy they use as a model has killer abs, but he’s a border-line but-her-face, or but-him-face, to be more precise.)
Now off to sleep I go.
By Christelyn D. Karazin
A very close friend of mine just filed for divorce after a seven-year marriage. The reason? She’s 35, wants a baby (which her husband promised, but now reneged) and now feels her ovaries shriveling up like raisins with every passing day.
Of course there are other problems, but the point of this conversation is that my friend is no longer tolerating putting off her dream to be a mother–married with family–with someone who just doesn’t see things the same way. Smart girl. Get out. Get ALL the way out.
I’ve seen women wait 10 years for a man to commit, and have given their best reproductive years and the prime of their beauty to boyfriends who keep dangling the marriage carrot (or in this case, karat) just to appease their mates and keep them around for as long as possible.
But then again, we Mesdames have to own our part. Some of us treat our relationships like a marriage rehersal: cooking, cleaning, sexing, having babies and acting like a wife without the benefits. If you’re doing all that, what the hay-ell is the motivation for your mate to put a ring on it?
“Women waste years of their lives with men that have no real plan for a future with them, and are just enjoying the companionship and sex offered by what they perceive to be a casual relationship,” says Deborrah Cooper, a dating and relationship expert and blogger for Surviving Dating.
“When a man is firmly entrenched in a relationship, he will not only “mention” a future, his thoughts will be backed up by solid, clearly identifiable action. He will use words like “next year when we get married” or “I was thinking about the real estate market and getting a fair price for our current homes when we buy our new house together after we’re married.” See the difference? Factual statements followed by action items.”
Bottom line: The next time you go to the mall with your man and walk by a Zales and mention how pretty that canary diamond ring looks and he rushes to the nearest Foot Locker for some sneakers, you might want to consider who REALLY needs to do some running.
Fathers can be soooooo protective of their daughters when it comes to the men they date and it can drive some to the point of–and I’m not recommending this–slipping them a micky in their morning coffee and transporting them by helicopter to one of those places that engage in intense hypnosis and brain-washing under bright lights and…
Which brings me to this week’s question. This beautiful lady is all aglow at the thought of her upcoming nuptials with her rainbow man. But here’s the kink:
My dad (age 71) is vehemently opposed to my relationship with my fiance (who is white). He hasn’t even met him and given him a chance. It is quite frustrating given that our wedding is in December and I’m not even sure he will come. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Enter Dr. Romance herself, Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media 2008)
Be patient with your Dad. Perhaps he’s taking this personally; as if your choice of a non-black man is a slight to him. He loves you, he’ll probably come around. Just keep calmly repeating, like broken record: “Dad, I love this man, and he loves me. We are happy. I love you, too, and I hope you can be happy for me. I’ll be very sad on my wedding day if you’re not there.” Don’t push him, don’t argue with him. You don’t want to make it harder for him to give in. Just keep going with your wedding plans, involve your mother if she’s willing, and make it possible for your dad to change his mind and come, even at the last minute. Have a plan B for if he’s not there (someone else to give you away, etc.) Have faith, and trust that your Dad will get over his issue, when he sees his objections are not going to stop you. Many good wishes to you for your happiness.
————
I have to admit I have a bit of a hard time relating to this because my dad didn’t care what color the guy was that wanted to marry me as long as he could get me out of his pocketbook.
So…What say all of you ladies? Anyone have some other nuggets of wisdom for our blushing bride?
From Brooklyn to Barcelona to Belgrade, This Expat Shows Us How International Love is Done
Twitter is a trip. I mean, you meet ALL kinds of CRAZY, and all kinds of SMART, TALENTED, and CLEVER tweeps. Take Ieishah, a Brooklyn expat living where the wind blows her: and I must admit I like her so much I hate her. (But just a little.) *slurps her hot Haterade from a tea cup with her pinky sticking out like a TRUE lady*
Ieishah was so kind to share her globetrotting and international love experiences and advice with us here, but you can read more on her funky, chic blog. She’s a kick-arse writer, and this BETTER not be the last time I see her up in here!
Dating Abroad: A Primer
By Ieishah Clelland
“Do you just stand in front of the UN headquarters to find boyfriends?” My interrogator was a Malaysian-born, British-bred filmmaker with whom I’d shared a handful of dates, spanning 2 continents over the last 10 years, before landing smoothly in the friend zone. I’m like, “Um, have we met?” I’ve been dating rainbow from age 13 and living abroad on and off since ’98. Before I even left New York there was the Turk who drove a mean vintage ride, and the Genovese, who survived a brain tumor. Since moving back to Europe in ‘07, there’s been an assortment of other Italianos, including The Tuscan, Dracula (whose duplex looked like the set of Interview with a Vampire), and The Stalker (I left him in Madrid. How’d he end up in Barça?). Then there was Peter-the-Catalan, a Dutch Olympic gold medalist, Argentinian McDreamy, Zeus (if God were Dominican, he’d look like him), the Belgian Billionaire, who shat money, and was the last man I loved before the Serb, who’s as brilliant and loving as he is tall (6’7). We won’t even talk about the impromptu dinner I had with a certain French football-soccer star that now lives in NY.
I’ve always loved the dating game, and dating abroad has been, like, the World Cup of it. Teams from all corners, crazy stiff competition, and fun, fun, fun! Whether your travel style is the country-to-country hop, or the expat thing (that’s me! I’m a nester!), it’s a stone’s throw from falling in love with the world to just falling in love. In all my experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that for black women, dating beyond your borders ROCKS. Here’re 5 reasons why:
You play the Lead! From Homer’s Odyssey to Liz Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love human beings have been using the world as the backdrop for the epic search for self, for love (for self love!) and why? Because that. Mess. Works!! As black women, we’re socialized to not think of ourselves as the protagonist, the Cinderella, the Snow White, the girl who gets the guy and shoots light out of her fingers (True Blood fans??). When trying to not only find a life partner but also create the life you want, playing the lead, being that girl, is paramount. Traveling naturally puts you in the spotlight AND the driver’s seat.
Go Native! Mixing travel with your search for a mate also allows you to get your Margaret Mead on and experience a new destination from an insider’s POV. When I first moved to Barcelona, ‘Yes!’ was my favorite word. I almost never turned down invitations, especially with local men AND women. Thus I dated constantly and I routinely found myself in the hottest spots.
Sidestep Stereotypes! In the world beyond America, your blackness is seldom a barrier to being approached by men. In melting pots massive steaming cauldrons of foreign tongues and ethnic fealties like my beloved Barcelona, men are more likely to be wracking their brains trying to figure out what language to mack you in than to be worrying about if you’re a neck-rolling, gum-cracking ball buster who only wants black men. The first step, then– simply meeting men– tends to be easier because as per the cultural mores of MOST OF THE WORLD, men approach women. All women.
Options, options, options. Practice, practice, practice. The more ground you cover, the more people you meet and the more men you have available to you. The more men available to you, the more you get to flex your flirting muscles. Flirting is fun. Fun gives you a glow. Glow is sexy. Rinse and repeat.
You get prime time for a lifestyle redesign… Longtime reader (of fat juicy oyster) “Shay” wrote me last summer wanting to brainstorm ideas on how to move abroad. I answered in the form of a blog post on the pros and cons of her options, also soliciting advice from other readers. In the end, I counseled, it’s my firm belief that if you take that first step towards the attainment of a goal, the universe steps in and does the rest. Save some money, I said, and go. Fast-forward 6 months, and Shay writes again. “I’m moving to Ireland with my boyfriend…” Pump your breaks, lady!! Ireland? Boyfriend?
Apparently, she met an erstwhile Turk while traveling. Two years of platonic meet ups around the globe, and homeboy put it on her, Ottoman Empire-style. She decided to jump. What about a job? In anticipation of her eventual move, she’d saved up some cash, sold her gas-guzzler, and kicked rocks. Last I heard, she started playing violin again, picked up photography, and is lurving the land of the Leprechaun.
Mixing dating and travel is as much about finding your light as it is about finding a man. In both, one truism holds: Everywhere you go, there you are. You really can’t run from your problems. Simply changing scenery won’t automatically flip the script on a life in shambles or relationships that consistently come up fail whale. Ideally, the outward journey should mirror the inward journey, not replace it. Serious stuff aside, the food, the accents, the adventure… I mean, you could just stand outside the United Nations headquarters, but traveling is way better.
I don’t know if most of you realize this, but I don’t watch much television. Yes, it’s on; I look up from my computer to acknowledge obnoxious commercials, like the Shake Weight–which, by the way, looks like it’s practice for giving a SERIOUS hand job. But I mostly keep on the tube for background noise, because with my self-diagosed ADD, the stimulation is my yoga.
But I can’t help but take note when I’m on FacebookTwitterLinkedInBeyondBlackAndWhite on Sunday, and I notice that many of you run to your televisions like it’s Howdie Doodie time to catch the latest True Blood. I try not to take it personal that you all find some hot vampires more interesting than ME, but I’m gonna try and work that out with my therapist.
THEN last night, my ears piqued when my new Facebook friend Kimberly Jessy told me that in the latest epi, the black woman was having sex with a white guy like she was taking 148 years of THE STRUGGLE out on him, so, naturally I was intrigued.
So my fellow BB&W ladies, beside the appeal with hot sex with the cold un-dead, what the cuss is all the fuss? Should I peel the laptop off my lap for an hour on Sunday to watch? I’ll admit I’ve tried a couple times, but the storyline is just too far gone. Do they sell True Blood Cliff’s Notes a the Wal-Mart?
And, pray tell, what the hay-ell am I supposed to glean about the show watching this:
Meh. So besides the whole blood-around-the-mouth-eating-rats teaser, I STILL need convincing. Because, THAT. WAS. NOT. HOT.
Buuuut, I fancy myself a student of the world, so, I MIGHT COULD BE [sic] convinced.
By now, we’ve all heard about the P-ew Study that said twenty-two percent of black men marry interracially, while only nine percent of black women jump the broom with rainbow man (up from 3 percent). But if we take People Media‘s word for it, a provider of online dating communities like BlackPeopleMeet.com and SingleParentMeet.com, people aren’t really doing what they’re… doing.
Say WHAAAAATT?
According to a survey conducted earlier this month by the research firm, Synovate on People Media’s behalf, 1,000 Americans having a similar cultural background (30 percent of respondents) and a sense of humor (45 percent)–are the most valued in a mate.
“Having a similar background–be it religion, race, ethnicity or lifestyle…helps create an ‘emotional shorthand that is beneficial to relationships,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and spokes-hole on behalf of the company.
You know what’s funny (not like funny, ‘ha ha’, but funny like smelly fish) about how People Media interpreted their survey? It’s awfully presumptive. The press release boldly says, “The importance of finding someone with a similar cultural background provides an interesting counterpoint to the [Pew study].”
Yeah, it befuddled me too.
Why is it a “counterpoint?” The fact that people connect because of a similar life experiences IS the point! People are dating interracially more than ever because culture, education, career choice and religion does not equal RACE! (sorry to yell).
People Media equates race and culture with a broad stroke and completely misses the nuances of dating and mating. Further, and perhaps most insulting, is that this company assumed their survey respondents used the word, “culture” as code for “race.”
To extrapolate this presumption, this survey infers that every black person, white person, and Indian chief shares the same culture. But, as WE ALL KNOW, black people don’t share a monolithic culture, and many across the diaspora find love with other races because they, for a variety of reasons, find much more in common with people of a different race.
Take me for instance. My husband and I have similar cultural background. But…surprise! I’m black and he’s…well…not black.
For a company who makes it’s money serving as a virtual single’s bar, I can’t POSSIBLY see how this is good for business. Why bother getting to know somebody based on their personality, intelligence and general hotness? You, People Media PR machine, are essentially discouraging interracial love with a false correlation and general lack of a good relationship with a dictionary.
Culture |ˈkəl ch ər|: The customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group. Where’s “race” in that definition? Is it hiding somewhere?
That’s why I’m becoming increasingly skeptical of black women using dating sites to find love. With all their pseudo-scientific filters for preferences that don’t necessarily allow people to find each other by the natural evolution of the dating game seems counterintuitive in finding a soulmate.
To be honest, My husband never set out to find and marry a black woman. It just happened. Naturally. Had we gone through a dating site, we most definitely would have missed each other, and a happy marriage and three more kids would have faded like the photo Michael J. Fox held in Back to the Future.
Not saying we should dump the e-baby with the bathwater, but perhaps the mate-search should be more comprehensive. Old fashioned matchmakers are making a comeback. Or add to your dating toolbox, Meetup.com, a site aimed to connect you with, you know, actual folks in REAL LIFE who share similar interests, like yoga, hiking, meditation, books, and even booze (I’m gonna put a caution on that last option, though).
Here’s a copy of the original release:
For Immediate Release
In the Face of Rising Intermarriage Numbers,
Humor and Similar Cultural Background Remain Key
To American Relationships, People Media Study Finds
Americans Rank Shared Values Like Sense of Humor and Similar Cultural Background
Over Appearance, Education and Financial Status
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (August 24, 2010) – While more Americans are marrying across racial and ethnic lines as reported in a recent Pew Research Center study, a new survey finds that a sense of humor and a similar cultural background are the characteristics people value most when looking for a soul mate.
According to a survey of 1,000 Americans conducted for People Media, Inc. (www.peoplemedia.com), the No. 1 provider of targeted online dating communities, fully three-quarters of the population believe a sense humor or a common cultural background are paramount for relationship success. These factors dwarf the more external aspects of a potential mate such as appearance, educational level and financial state.
The survey asked: “In addition to chemistry, which one of the following do you believe is the single most important factor when choosing a relationship partner?”
- 45 percent — Sense of humor
- 30 percent — Similar cultural background
- 10 percent — Appearance
- 7.3 percent — Educational level
- 6.8 percent — Financial state
“Similar attitudes and values between partners are critical to the longevity of relationships,” said Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan known as The Love Doctor, who also is a relationship expert for People Media’s SeniorPeopleMeet.com. “Having a similar background – be it religion, race, ethnicity or lifestyle – acts as a frame of reference that both partners share. These shared perspectives enhance communication and one’s ability to be, and feel, understood. This helps create a sort of ‘emotional shorthand’ that is beneficial to healthy relationships.”
The importance of finding someone with a similar cultural background provides an interesting counterpoint to a recent Pew Research Center study showing that the percentage of interracial and interethnic marriages more than doubled between 1980 and 2008 and occurred at six times the rate of 1960. However, with one in seven new marriages considered interethnic or interracial, intermarriages comprise just 14.6 percent of all new marriages in the U.S.
The survey results also help explain the dramatic growth of targeted online dating sites. People Media, an innovator in the online personals space since 2002, operates 27 targeted sites including SeniorPeopleMeet.com, which draws more than 2 million unique visitors a month and is the largest dating site catering to single seniors. People Media’s BlackPeopleMeet.com is the web’s leading online dating destination for Black singles, with more than one million unique visitors each month.
“It’s not surprising to us that Americans ranked a sense of humor and a similar cultural background as most important when choosing a relationship partner,” said Josh Meyers, CEO of People Media. “The growth of targeted online dating sites like ours is due to the success people have when they are able to find others who share their perspective and values.”
Dissecting the Data
The survey results were consistent with regard to the gender, marital status, education and employment status of the respondents. There were, however, some exceptions:
- The results were somewhat different when considered by race: 49% of white respondents selected “sense of humor” as their top choice (compared with 31% of non-whites) while 31% of whites, compared with 27% of non-whites, chose “similar cultural background.” “Appearance” was the most important factor for 17% of non-whites, compared with 9% of whites; 13% of non-whites chose “financial state” vs. 5% of whites; and 13% of non-whites selected “educational level,” compared with 6% of whites.
- The results were consistent with regard to age for respondents in the 18-24, 25-34, 35-44 and 45-54 categories. They differed slightly, however, in the 55-64 and 65-plus categories. Fully 47% of those 65 and older chose “similar cultural background” as their No. 1 choice, followed by “sense of humor (35.5%) and “educational level” (7%). Respondents ages 55-64 selected “sense of humor” and “similar cultural background” as their first and second choices, followed by “financial state” (11%).
- The results also were consistent by region of the country. Interestingly, however, the highest percentage of those who answered “similar cultural background” reside in the Midwest (37%), followed by the South (31%), West (27%) and Northeast (25%).
The research firm Synovate conducted the study in early August. The survey has a margin of error +/- 3 percent.
Link: Linkedin
About People Media, Inc.
People Media (www.PeopleMedia.com) is the No. 1 provider of targeted online dating communities for attractive singles seeking meaningful relationships. The company operates 27 individual web properties – including www.BlackPeopleMeet.com and www.SeniorPeopleMeet.com – reaching nearly 4 million unique users per month. Its portfolio includes six of the Top 50-ranked personals websites, as reported by comScore Media Metrix – more than any other company. People Media has been a past partner with the Steve Harvey Morning Show and exclusively powers multiple AOL Personals communities. People Media is a rapidly growing innovator in the online personals space, which is expected to reach $1.2 billion in worldwide revenues by 2009 (Jupiter Research). People Media is based in Hollywood, Calif., and is a unit of Match.com, an operating business of IAC (NASDAQ: IACI).
About Match.com
Match.com pioneered online personals when it launched on the Web in 1995 and continues to lead this exciting and evolving category after more than a decade. Throughout its 15-year history,Match.com has helped redefine the way people meet and fall in love. Match.com provides a rich tapestry of ethnicities, interests, goals, ambitions, quirks, looks and personalities from which to choose. Match.com operates some of the leading subscription-based online dating sites in 25 countries, in 8 languages and spanning five continents, as well as oversees its ongoing investment in Meetic. Match.com also powers online dating on MSN across Asia, Australia, the United States and Latin America. Match.com is an operating business of IAC (NASDAQ:IACI).
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By Kellina Craig-Henderson, author of Black Women in Interracial Relationships: In Search of Love and Solace
I have always been interested in the factors that influence how and why people get along with others. But, my interest in interracial relationships hadn’t really coalesced until a number of years ago when I learned that an African American man who worked in my organization had said that he was not interested in making a “love connection” with any African American woman because he “had nothing in common with Black women.” These were his words, and to add insult to injury, he followed this remark with a proposition for a date to a mutual friend who happened to be a White woman.
My reactions at that time ranged from sheer bafflement to anger to quiet disregard. I did not understand how a person could dismiss an entire demographic of people who no doubt looked a lot like his own mother, sisters, aunties or nanas. He was highly educated, of Caribbean descent and had features that shouted his African ancestry.
I don’t know what’s become of him now, but I do know that he spurred me to systematically tackle some of the difficult issues and realities that characterize interracial intimacy (see my 2006 book Black Men in Interracial Relationships: What’s Love Got to Do With It?). I have him to thank for my continued research on this subject.
In recent years, I have focused on understanding when, why and how people – primarily African Americans – become involved in intimate heterosexual relationships. My forthcoming book, Black Women in Interracial Relationships: In Search of Love and Solace (Sept/Oct 2010) looks closely at the experiences of a group of African American women who have each made the decision to be intimately involved with men who are not Black. Most of the women I spoke with were married to White men. Although the women described unique circumstances and experiences leading up to their own relationships, all of them shared an awareness of certain realities that to varying degrees were related to their decision.
What were some of those realities? Perhaps the most obvious reality concerns the dismal prospects many of them reported facing relative to Black men. That is, there were few available African American men that they considered to be worthwhile potential partners. To be frank, the pickings and prospects were slim! This is a reflection of the disparity between Black men and women on certain key variables that when taken together reveal stark differences in quality of life and life expectancies. There are more African American women than men who have made educational and occupational gains, for example. The reasons for this are complex and speak to the continuing presence of anti-Black sentiment in this society, among other things. Yes – I said the continuing reality of anti-Black sentiment in this society. I know this may not sit well with some who believe that “Obama in the White House = absence of anti-Black sentiment,” but when one carefully considers how Black folks as a group are faring on a host of quality of life indices, it is very hard to argue that race no longer matters.
Another reality that influenced the choices made by the women I was fortunate enough to speak with concerned the need to have to play games with the rare Black man who came with the total package (i.e., he was comparably educated and employed). True, the mating game generally requires that one be willing to play, but it does not require dishonesty or reckless dalliances with others. This obviously takes on particular importance for those who are interested in monogamous relationships. Some of the women described painful experiences they had had with African American men who were so-called “great catches” that revealed that they really weren’t so great after all. In fact, when these Black men consciously took advantage of the numbers by dating 3 or 4 or 5 different women at any one time they were downright detestable!
Having spent some time reading the posts from a number of different forums discussing IR, I see now that the trends I discuss in my new book have opened the door to others who may not have previously considered any of the issues I’ve raised here. As one woman whose post I read recently put it: “Hell, I’m curious, I want to try it too.” Interestingly, that was not a motive I recall hearing from any of the women I interviewed in my book. I suspect that may be because curiosity is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship or marriage like the kind that many of the women I spoke to reported having.
Last week’s Friday Funny was BY FAR the best. You guys were hilarious. All I can say is, I thank GAWD I have “good pubic hair” so that I don’t need to mix relaxer in my body wash.
*BWAH!!!*
But I think that today we should use this platform to educate young women–like my 12-year-old daughter, or my 40-year-old cousin who named one of her kids after a car–with the use of humor.
Let’s use our collective life experiences to help whipper snappers and old goats alike to identify the mysterious and EXTREMELY dangerous THUG. I also want this post to be an intervention for thugs-in-training to identify certain symptoms of the disease so they can seek treatment in a library, college or Abrocombie & Fitch.
In recent news, thugs from Thugopolis have devolved and bastardized the English language to the point where the DEA needs translators, so it seems befitting that they require even further study. Inspired by the following classic comedy sketch, “You Might Be a Redneck,” by Jeff Foxworthy, I thought we could have some fun while providing a public service to unsuspecting (or purposely oblivious) ladies vulnerable to the DANCE OF THE SEVEN THUGS:
So I’ll start. Whoever’s the funniest wins a trophy and a gold tooth.
YOU MIGHT BE A THUG:
…if your idea of wining and dining involves a trip to McDonald’s and a detour to the liquor store for a 40-ounce.
NOW YOU! NOW YOU!
![Why Do [Some] Black Folks Treat the Truth Like a Communicable Disease?](http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Coach-English1.jpg "Why Do [Some] Black Folks Treat the Truth Like a Communicable Disease?")
