I’ll warn you right now that this will sound harsh but I hope that you can hear the caring message I’m trying to send. I think Black women can do better and be better because we are much better than the world and many of us believe! We need to stop having low standards for ourselves, settling for being mediocre, and refusing to improve ourselves. If we want better lives then we have to do better. Please focus on the issues raised instead of throwing personal attacks thanks. :) Now on to the post. :)
Over and over again I hear women state, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are”. Well what if you are rude, lazy, slovenly, highly unattractive, and really unpleasant to be around? What if your spouse, friends, coworkers, and family don’t like to be around you because you are so unpleasant? What if you can’t get a date because men say you are not attractive and your attitude turns them off? Should people with these traits not try to improve themselves? Shouldn’t they try to do better and be better?
Being polite, hard working, neat, attractive, and pleasant are virtues that many people strive for because they make them more desirable and tolerable. People learn and change everyday, and many choose to improve themselves while others stubbornly refuse. You will hate me for saying this but, don’t you know that the, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are,” thing was said to make unattractive people with no hope feel good about themselves? Unless you look like the Elephant Man then that pleasantry wasn’t meant for you sweetie.
Some people want to be desirable and tolerable while others do not seem to care. This of course is your prerogative and if you never want to improve or change then this article is not for you. :) It gets tiring (and boring) hearing some Black women complain that others are not finding them attractive when they have been given advice, over and over, about how to become more attractive! It is also tiring when many non-Black women do things to make themselves more attractive, but some Black women refuse to do the same things and are shocked or outraged when they are not found to be attractive. Well if you want things to change then you have to change something! If you want people to find you attractive, then make yourself as attractive as possible! Doesn’t that make sense? Some of you will quibble about what makes someone attractive and say that if it’s subjective then how can you choose what to do to become attractive. Well I’ll leave that to future post. Also, if you are already highly attractive or doing your best (within reason, nothing dangerous) then I’m definitely not talking about you. But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!
Some women may state that they should not have to change for any reason or for anyone. Instead they insist that others should change their ideas about beauty in order to include them. Everyone else should change but they should do absolutely nothing to improve themselves!? Yes, people who find beautiful, kind, and pleasant women attractive should stop doing that and find slovenly, mean, and crude women attractive too. They must somehow suppress their automatic positive mental reaction to attractive women and reprogram their brains to find the opposite attractive. Yes, that will surely work! Actually it would only work if unattractive women were the only women left on earth and men had to settle. Unfortunately, men have plenty of attractive women to choose from so they won’t have to change their standards. So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.
Some people believe in self-improvement and that only those who are lazy, unmotivated, stubborn, antisocial, rebellious, or lacking self-esteem would settle for not becoming the best they can be. This article will be easily accepted by these women. These women don’t want to settle for who they are now because they want to be better and know that they can be the best! Some may say that a woman who is willing to change herself has low self-esteem and lacks self-love. I say that I love myself and believe in myself so much I will succeed in becoming highly attractive, feminine, and virtuous. Wearing pretty makeup and clothes and maintaining an attractive weight will show my self-love. Let me use a metaphor, you can tell if someone loves and respects their house if they care for it, clean it and keep it neat, make it attractive, and protect it, instead of letting it get run down and filthy like houses on Hoarders. So are you keeping up your body/house or is it in need of a major overhaul?
In conclusion, I’d like to ask the, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You’re prefect just the way you are” crowd, are you doing anything that visually shows you love yourself? Or are you doing nothing and calling that self-love? Why are you rejecting self-improvement? Are you being your best right now or could you be even better? Why are you settling for mediocrity?
Sincerely,
Elegance
I once had a British woman upon meeting me for the first time for only a breif moment ask what I was. I told her that I was Nigerian born and she said "Of course! You're too beautiful to be American (meaning African-American/black-American). She went on to tell me that I also carried myself well and dressed sophicated unlike the "ones" she sees around. Oddly enough I understood where she was coming from. A caucasian man also stopped his car, literally, in the middle of the road after I had crossed the street to ask me my nationally. I told him that I was American (which I am by Naturalization), and he looked so confused and told me that I was beautiful before giving me his number and asking me to lunch. I was confused that he would as my nationality and not my race.
My point is...this isn't a black woman problem, this is more an African-American women problem. Black Europeans, Africans, blacks from the Islands, etc. are much more aware of their appearance, behavior, etc. They're far more feminine and take pride in not only how they present themselves physically but also in how they behave, speak and treat those around them. They don't have attitudes and are generally pleasant to be around and this shows. It REALLY shows! Unfortuantely for black American women, being well spoken, well dressed, mild mannered, soft spoken, slim and healthy, etc. makes you a traget for name calling such as "oreo" or sell-out. Not to mention, the media doesn't help with shows like Basketball Wives, Hip Hop Wives and Flava of Love. Feminism and beauty isn't soley dependant on how you look because many if not all of the women on all the shows mentioned are beautiful on the outside, but more by how you BEHAVE. There's just too much ghetto masculinity within the African-American women community. No man finds that attractive except the lowest of the low. And yes, weight is also a huge factor and one that plagues AA women.
For those AA women that are putting in the effort (which I'm sure are many that visit this site), please do not let the ignorance of others shame you! Start a movement! The internet is your platform for a voice and to bring awareness to your kind.
Good article. Wish more people would come across it.
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