Why Do Some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?

January 15, 2013 | Elegance |

I’ll warn you right now that this will sound harsh but I hope that you can hear the caring message I’m trying to send. I think Black women can do better and be better because we are much better than the world and many of us believe! We need to stop having low standards for ourselves, settling for being mediocre, and refusing to improve ourselves. If we want better lives then we have to do better. Please focus on the issues raised instead of throwing personal attacks thanks. 🙂 Now on to the post. 🙂

Over and over again I hear women state, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are”. Well what if you are rude, lazy, slovenly, highly unattractive, and really unpleasant to be around? What if your spouse, friends, coworkers, and family don’t like to be around you because you are so unpleasant? What if you can’t get a date because men say you are not attractive and your attitude turns them off? Should people with these traits not try to improve themselves? Shouldn’t they try to do better and be better?

Being polite, hard working, neat, attractive, and pleasant are virtues that many people strive for because they make them more desirable and tolerable. People learn and change everyday, and many choose to improve themselves while others stubbornly refuse. You will hate me for saying this but, don’t you know that the, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You are perfect just the way you are,” thing was said to make unattractive people with no hope feel good about themselves? Unless you look like the Elephant Man then that pleasantry wasn’t meant for you sweetie.

Some people want to be desirable and tolerable while others do not seem to care. This of course is your prerogative and if you never want to improve or change then this article is not for you. 🙂 It gets tiring (and boring) hearing some Black women complain that others are not finding them attractive when they have been given advice, over and over, about how to become more attractive! It is also tiring when many non-Black women do things to make themselves more attractive, but some Black women refuse to do the same things and are shocked or outraged when they are not found to be attractive. Well if you want things to change then you have to change something! If you want people to find you attractive, then make yourself as attractive as possible! Doesn’t that make sense? Some of you will quibble about what makes someone attractive and say that if it’s subjective then how can you choose what to do to become attractive. Well I’ll leave that to future post. Also, if you are already highly attractive or doing your best (within reason, nothing dangerous) then I’m definitely not talking about you. But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!

Some women may state that they should not have to change for any reason or for anyone. Instead they insist that others should change their ideas about beauty in order to include them. Everyone else should change but they should do absolutely nothing to improve themselves!? Yes, people who find beautiful, kind, and pleasant women attractive should stop doing that and find slovenly, mean, and crude women attractive too. They must somehow suppress their automatic positive mental reaction to attractive women and reprogram their brains to find the opposite attractive. Yes, that will surely work! Actually it would only work if unattractive women were the only women left on earth and men had to settle. Unfortunately, men have plenty of attractive women to choose from so they won’t have to change their standards. So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.

Some people believe in self-improvement and that only those who are lazy, unmotivated, stubborn, antisocial, rebellious, or lacking self-esteem would settle for not becoming the best they can be. This article will be easily accepted by these women. These women don’t want to settle for who they are now because they want to be better and know that they can be the best! Some may say that a woman who is willing to change herself has low self-esteem and lacks self-love. I say that I love myself and believe in myself so much I will succeed in becoming highly attractive, feminine, and virtuous. Wearing pretty makeup and clothes and maintaining an attractive weight will show my self-love. Let me use a metaphor, you can tell if someone loves and respects their house if they care for it, clean it and keep it neat, make it attractive, and protect it, instead of letting it get run down and filthy like houses on Hoarders. So are you keeping up your body/house or is it in need of a major overhaul?

In conclusion, I’d like to ask the, “Don’t change yourself, just wait to find someone who likes you for you. You’re prefect just the way you are” crowd, are you doing anything that visually shows you love yourself? Or are you doing nothing and calling that self-love? Why are you rejecting self-improvement? Are you being your best right now or could you be even better? Why are you settling for mediocrity?

Sincerely,

Elegance

The Working Home Keeper
“So while some of you wait to have that miracle happen the rest of us will just improve ourselves and enjoy the benefits.”

Amen!

Excellent post! Hope we’ll be seeing more posts from Elegance at BB&W!
- Elegance
  @The Working Home Keeper
  Thanks darling 🙂
Quita
I do believe in change, and that it is important to remove rough edges of our personality, person and appearance. Honestly, It can sometimes be tricky for me to know the difference between the attractive traits that I should keep, and that make me unique and adorable; and the unattractive traits that I should totally remove.
I think I just may need to surround myself with a better group of friends that are willing to be a little more politely honest and realistic. I hear the you do not need to change you, they should change them, often, in different words and ways.
I love this website and the people commenting on it because it does challenge me to think differently from my normal thinking pattern. I think I can work harder, slowly, but consistently to be more attractive beyond losing umpteen pounds. It’s not the only way to be attractive.
- Elegance
  @Quita
  Yes, figuring out what is attractive and what isn’t is the tricky part. Some things do vary from person to person. But there are some traits that most people find attractive or unattractive. I tend to choose things that have the best odds of being accepted or successful. So if 75% or more people tend to find something attractive then I’ll chose that option rather than hoping to find that 25% who don’t care about it.
  
  It’s also important to look at the source of the criticism and see opinions from many people and sources to make sure it’s not just someone being picky, having weird tastes, or that they are just trying to hurt you. That’s why I rely on the opinions of people who care about me or non-personal information (e.g., studies, surveys, public opinion) to help me figure out where I need to improve and what’s really attractive. As long as it’s not dangerous or too much work then I’ll try to improve regardless of what others say anyway.
  
  Definitely losing weight is not the only way to be attractive. There are other physical, personality, and attitude changes that are just as important, even more important.
heyimPearlilikefries
Thank you for this.

I remember when people would tell me that I’m perfect the way I am when I tell them that I’m trying to improve myself. It does nothing to help at all and makes me a bit upset.

I want to buy so many self-improvement books. I read self-improvement blogs too.

I don’t want to be perfect, but I want to be my perception of perfect. I want to be what I imagine myself to be, if that makes sense.

And you are so right about this: “But my main point is this, if Black women want the mainstream, Black people, and the world to find them more attractive then they will just have to become more attractive!”

This is especially for BW, I can’t stress this enough.. But we are getting better each day. We don’t need every black woman to be magnificent (that’s not realistic) but… at least like… 98.99 percent of them being amazing. LOL
- Elegance
  @heyimPearlilikefries I’m definitely into self-help, self-improvement, and finding ways to improve my life and surroundings 🙂
- Butterfly1
  @heyimPearlilikefries
  I don’t want to be perfect, but I want to be my perception of perfect. I want to be what I imagine myself to be, if that makes sense.
  
  I think you mean the best version of yourself.
  - heyimPearlilikefries
    @Butterfly1 Yes! That’s what I mean!
Oaktown Paul
When I saw the title “Why Do Some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement,” I thought this could easily be “Why Do Some [people] Reject Self-Improvement.” This problem crosses all genders and racial lines. I know this from my own experience — growing up, raising 5 children and coaching sports for many years.

Growing up relatively poor amongst people who were more wealthy, I was always motivated to improve myself. (I drank the Kool-Aid about working hard and getting ahead!)   This is all I have ever known. I am still trying to improve myself — and I actively try to maintain the good that I’ve already got. Not because I am dissatisfied with myself, but because I believe I am entitled to have the best and be the best — if I am willing to work hard enough to earn it!!!!
For some, working towards a better existence is a permanent way to live. This is a value I have sought to instill in my own children. I personally find the willingness to improve one’s self is, unto itself, a very attractive quality. BTW, I naturally find myself attracted to black women who share this value!!!! This is no surprise. Men and women (of all races) are attracted to people who are trying to better themselves — it shows ambition and genuine self-esteem.

In sports, I observed that some players would not “try” because they lacked motivation, or they feared failure — especially if they did not think they were good enough to succeed. My view is that everybody has the ability to be better. We need only choose if we want to just be a little better, or if we need to get a lot better. Fortunately, if you set your goals too high, you can still achieve spectacular results even if you don’t reach the highest star.

The notion that someone is “perfect the way they are” is a dangerous illusion. It misleads us away from the plain truth that none of us is perfect. From this humble viewpoint, our striving to be better should simply be seen as a “personal strategy” for addressing our own imperfections. For me, this strategy works better than acceptance, denial, withdrawal, anger, rejection or kidding myself into believing I don’t really care.
The closest we can ever get to being perfect — is to acknowledge we are imperfect beings striving our best to become better. And I applaud anyone who undertakes to make their life better in a way that is meaningful for them.
- Elegance
  @Oaktown Paul
  I grew up the same way. I think that no one is perfect and that everyone can learn new things, improve, and be better in some way. The article definitely applies to more than just Black women.
  
  It’s really foreign for me to hear criticism of people who try to improve themselves but I’ve been hearing that over and over again in certain circles often by people who complain about their lives but expect others to help them. I believe in hard work and making an effort to help yourself first.
- KingsDaughter
  @Oaktown Paul **APPLAUSE**
Lady A
I agree with self improvement, I cringe when I see black women reject the idea of bettering themselves. I also hate when we seek approval from the black community as if we’re kids. Shoot I don’t, I do what I need to do to be successful.

HOWEVER, about the mainstream attractiveness.um………..doesn’t matter how close we try to get to mainstream’s ideal of beauty we’re still “BLACK WOMEN”. Even this day and age when you look at Miss America pageants, Victoria Secrets fashion shows, Sports illustrated and other white mainstream things that showcase beauty YOU STILL RARELY SEE BLACK BEAUTY REPRESENTED. Many black girls audition and try out but still don’t make it above the next white or non-black chica. It’s just the way it is and it’s 2013 we’re a whole new generation into a new era and it’s still the same.

We can weave it up, throw blue contacts or whatever color contacts in, shrink to a size 0 or do whatever we’re still not going to become the majority representation within a STILL white dominated society.

We need to encourage our own “BEAUTY” not look for mainstream because if they would have taken us into consideration many black women would have been taken over most of the outlets but we don’t.

So it’s up to US to encourage one another to be better and represent us in the best way that WE can for US, mainstream isn’t going to do it and doesn’t want to do it.
- heyimPearlilikefries
  This is true but Asian woman are not really represented as a group in America, but they still have a good rep if you know what I mean. I don’t think Elegance meant attractiveness in looks, but overall character, demeanor, goals and having a desire to live well (correct me if I’m wrong). I think black women can become mainstream.. maybe not in looks, but having a good rep. As in good education rates, lower OOW rate, and just BW living well in very large numbers. That’s how we improve our image and that goes for improving ourselves individually.
  
  And yes I feel there should be our own representation of beauty. Our own magazines that we look to and everything.. (actually prefer it).
  - Butterfly1
    @heyimPearlilikefries
    Anything but Essence. lol
    - heyimPearlilikefries
      @Butterfly1 Agreed! lol
- Butterfly1
  Amen to that. Part of m self improvement was to stop perming my hair and only weaves frequently.
- MySmile
  Great points…When it comes to the mainstream thing, It’s not completely up to us what other people find attractive…and if they think black women are the ugliest women or whatever, that’s on them.. not to say it never hurts, but I’m not looking to date the whole world (or meet or socialize with the whole world..though I do plan on traveling)..so I will choose to enjoy my time with people who actually like who I am! There are always going to be people out there who feel that way about black women because the way this society has been set up..we can undo it, but it would take at least as much time as it took to set it up (hundreds of years)..
  
  I get what Elegance was trying to say though. I would like for black women to just be seen as “normal” women (with more melanin and different features, but not different on the inside) in the media and elsewhere…enough with the othering!! I don’t expect us to have equal representation (as in numbers) in a country that is majority white though…but I do want and expect to see more and better (more diverse, more positive) representation in the future.
  - PamelaFoster
    @MySmile
    Awesome post lady! Totally agree on all points…let’s hope 2013 brings clarity and vision to us all.
Christelyn
Sorry to hijack this thread, but I just wanted to extend a very warm welcome to the newest member of the BB&W editorial team, Elegance!
- Elegance
  @Christelyn
  Thanks so much Christelyn! I think that it will be a nice new step in my blogging career 🙂
Butterfly1
Good post. I would say that weight is the one thing where a LOT of black women make those “stay as you are” comments. For black women your hair has to be fly, your teeth has to be straight and white, your skin has to be clear but you can be obese. But lately I have seen a LOT of black women who used to be obese actually lose weight. I see more black women out running than I have ever seen before. I am 5’8 and about a size 8-10. I am beginning to get a little tummy and I feel terrible about it and I am doing something about it.

Also, I think that we need to be more open minded. This is a self improvement blog that I visit frequently.

http://theclassywoman.blogspot.com/
- thecrazyartist
  @Butterfly1
  
  I agree some black women are absolutely opposed to improvement. It really saddens me when then try to impose this belief on others. I for one, know I cannot fully accept myself the way I am, I want to be better and know I can be better. I have gained well over 30lbs since highschool, I went from the low end of the BMI to 15lbs overweight. I felt like a complete mess, I am a little over 5’9 so a size 14/1 wasn’t obese on me but defineately heavier than I would care for. The part that really upset me was I lost a lot of muscle and it was visible. Some family members discouraged my weight loss because “The brothas will love that new thick frame”. I am back down to a 10/12 my goal is a 4/6 (it took 3 months just to get my metabolism back on track, I am now steadily losing weight), but since I gain muscle slowly, it may take a year or more for me to get back to where I was in terms of fitness. I am afraid to post before and after pics, I want to take more next month(I just have a before pic and wow, it was jarring), but I fear it might end up on one of those crazy big butt cellulite fetish sites(yes it was that bad).
  - Oaktown Paul
    @thecrazyartist @Butterfly1 You are amazing!!! When people gain weight, it is very easy to just give up — and the weight begins to creep upward. You’ve already made a reversal, If you just stay on your path, you will get to where you want to be. Best wishes to you. .
    - thecrazyartist
      @Oaktown Paul @Butterfly1
      Thanks for the ecouragement!
Neecy
Great post Elegance!

We BW have a lot of work to do but once its done WATCH OUT!! 😉 I am a HUUUGE believer in individual self improvement but I want to see the image of BW improve dramatically. While most or all Black women will not improve themselves, we simply need more BW like ourselves on this site to step out into the world and let it be known we exist. We need a better balance, and it starts with blogs and sites and discussions that bring BW together showing BW that its okay to want to be better, look better and have a better overall character and most importantly TO BE FEMININE in look and nature.
Lejusdecoco
Standing ovation to you my dear. I will share this even with my enemies.

this I cant understand; ”Why are you settling for mediocrity?” I don’t know why BW like to marinate in mediocrity.
tracyreneejones
I gaffawed several times during this article. I thank you for saying things I thought….in a coherent manner. 🙂
Wakawaka
I’m glad you brought this up because I noticed some BW tend to get very defensive when you point out self improvement especially when it comes to weight. The most common responses I usually get is either the “I’m just gonna do me, take it or leave it- I am confident with how I look” or “If I were a man then you wouldn’t be telling this. It’s not fair!”
Um, as unfair as it may seem, men and women are different. Men are visual creatures and the traits that make women and men attractive are very different.

I also feel like the Black Community tends to entertain certain things that don’t serve well for BW. For example I got so annoyed with Monique and her whole glamorization of being overweight (something common in the Black Community) and calling slender women “skinny b*tches”. And I agree with the commenter below who mentioned that sometimes our priorities can be screwed up- hair to some people seems more important than exercising and losing weight.

When I started working on myself things got better. The responses I got were so positive, it felt so good and it still does. Even now, I am still working on myself but it feels so good to look back and see how far I have come, it’s a great feeling. I hope more BW are open to self- improvement because we are truly beautiful.
CTRL + Q to Enable/Disable FBPhotoZoom
Wakawaka
I’m glad you brought this up because I noticed some BW tend to get very defensive when you point out self improvement especially when it comes to weight. The most common responses I usually get is either the “I’m just gonna do me, take it or leave it- I am confident with how I look” or “If I were a man then you wouldn’t be telling this. It’s not fair!”
Um, as unfair as it may seem, men and women are different. Men are visual creatures and the traits that make women and men attractive are very different.

I also feel like the Black Community tends to entertain certain things that don’t serve well for BW. For example I got so annoyed with Monique and her whole glamorization of being overweight (something common in the Black Community) and calling slender women “skinny b*tches”. And I agree with the commenter below who mentioned that sometimes our priorities can be screwed up- hair to some people seems more important than exercising and losing weight.

When I started working on myself things got better. The responses I got were so positive, it felt so good and it still does. Even now, I am still working on myself but it feels so good to look back and see how far I have come, it’s a great feeling. I hope more BW are open to self- improvement because we are truly beautiful.
- KingsDaughter
  @Wakawaka The same women who claim to not mind being overweight would squash into outfits 2 sizes too small. Why?
  
  Anyway some celebs who sing “big is beautiful” are the same who are on weight watchers a couple of years later. Didn’t Monique lose a lot of weight?
  
  One of the bad trends has been the whole “curvy” euphemism for fat. It has encouraged a lot of self delusion.
  - Wakawaka
    @KingsDaughter Yep, Monique, who went on and on about her loving herself and that she was not “fat” but “phat” and how she would never change went ahead and lost a ton of weight.
    
    I too hate the trend of someone calling themselves “thick” and “curvy” while they are obese. There are women out there who truly are curvy and beautiful but being obese and using the excuse that one is not fat but “thick” and “curvy” truly is silly to me.
- MySmile
  @Wakawaka “For example I got so annoyed with Monique and her whole glamorization of being overweight (something common in the Black Community) and calling slender women “skinny b*tches”
  
  Ughhh me too!! That annoyed me sooo much partially because I knew it was just a show…people who are truly confident don’t have to be so over the top with it.. I’m not exactly slender (but not Monique’s size..then or now), but I’ve always been aware of my size (I was slightly overweight)…plus, I never agreed with making slimmer (or ever really skinny) women the enemy…my sisters, mom, friends, are all pretty slim…some people are naturally small and some people work really hard to get/ keep their body at a lower/ healthier weight…she shouldn’t have had to bash small women to feel better about herself.
FriendsofJay
My mom was a model in New York in the 40’s. She wasn’t tall enough to be a runway model, but her face was lovely and she did magazine ads for cosmetics and hair products. She had four children, all of them girls except for me. From the time we were all little, she instilled in us that “people judge you on your appearance, so you better make it the very best you can.” When they were old enough she sent my three sisters to beauty consultant to learn what colors went best for them, how to keep their weight down, what season they were (summer, fall, winter, spring, and how to use that knowledge to its best effect) and how they should dress to look the most flattering. Unfortunately, none of my sisters was as beautiful as my mom, but they were all attractive. I looked the most like my mom, only in a guy way, and when my sisters were going to these beauty consultants I wanted to go too. My mom say, “but Jay, you’re a boy.” To which I’d say, “guys want to looked too.” So she sent me too.

The reason I’m telling you this, and the moral of the story is: Appearance doesn’t really mean anything. But people THINK it does. It’s sort of the, “when in Rome, do like the Romans do.” Psychologically, it’s O.K. to say, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but realistically, this is how you will be judged. Its not right, its not fair, but its the way people are. Because of my mom’s influence, my appearance has always been important to me and my sisters. Even now as an old man, I try to look the best I can by keeping my weight down, hair neat, and clothes decent looking. Women don’t usually need to be told this, but sometimes it doesn’t take. When I go to the malls I see guys walking around who are bald but have pony tails, have stomachs that overhang their belts, and dirty jeans that make them look like a janitor at a sewer plant on a bad day. They don’t know how ridiculous they look. The worst of the bunch I think are unmarried men and women. They don’t seem to have enough self-esteem to make the effort, never thinking that it may be their horrible appearance that kept them from finding the right person. Believe me, looking the best you can be is an enormous asset in life, love, ambition and just about everything else.
DeepWater
Be the change you want to be and see is motto, darlin’. My momma told me that at 3 years old that I refused to where the same dress the next day as the one before it, she said to me (later in life) that I looked her straight in the eye (no tantrum) and said “I will not where the same dress I had on yesterday today” with conviction. It’s who I am. It’s who I be. Been fly, gon’ be fly and stay fly til’ it’s ova, bwaaaahahahahaha.

Been through many an incarnation in this life as I understand it. Been through sporting life (gymnastics, dance) as a young person, corporate life, in and through adulthood, and ya couldn’t tell me nothin’ with corporate gear and performance (showed up to an interview years ago with same dress suit as interviewer, and, naturally, I didn’t get that position because it imparted that Imma take YOUR job and had equivalent position at next interview with that same dress suit, bwaaahahahaha). Homelessness for a couple of years, at a chow hall and a shelter, separate women asked the same question “Why are you here?” Because I’m homeless, why else? They’d thought I was a “mole”, a “plant”. I asked the separate women “Why would you think that? Their separate answers were “But you don’t look homeless”. Hunh? They stated that “Why would a woman that’s homeless dress so well” (no mess, I’m not makin’ this up ya’ll, lol) and my straight up answer was “Because I’m fly”. The separate women laughed and said later at different times, “That’s true”. Was a local in my neck of the woods “rock star” (background vocalist) from hangin’ with friends and still do now and again. Now housed through self-advocacy and a small business to run (a tad crazeeee, lol), I’ve become the change I’ve wanted to see (still po’ though, bwwahahahahaa).

Imma work in progress and we, Black women, or some of us anyways, would benefit ourselves to, maybe, think in those terms. Be the change you want be and see is my motto, darlin’.
- MySmile
  @DeepWater lol I love your posts and the stories you tell..I had no idea you were homeless..wow, you’ve been through a lot…but I’m sure your mentality and your motto helped you get through it!
  - DeepWater
    @MySmile Yes it has, for sure, MySmile.
    
    Actually, today, I saw a long ago friend (not acquaintance) I haven’t seen in a minute. She said to me “You look fantastic, girl”, I says “Thank you so much and Happy New Year”. She said, no snap, “What are you doing to yourself, you look good, I mean, really good”. I told her “I feel good, things could always improve, but my life is (very slowly) beginning to move in the direction I’ve always wanted it to”. We yakked some more, exchanged numbers, and went our separate ways.
    
    I felt good about that exchange. It says to me I (along with other help in my life) that I am changing the possibilities in my life. Not rich or famous, just a better, higher, smarter form, of my full self. I’m am proud, not prideful, but proud of that simple acknowledgment, it means that I am beginning to be the change I want to see (and be), MySmile. A good thing. It says to me that I’m striving for my better self, my higher self.
    
    I was resistant to change in areas of my life at one time and it held me back. Now that I keep an open mind (not to foolishness) but to opportunities for growth, I now run with that, should that be for my and immediate families’ betterment.
    
    Life has dealt me a strange hand and I’ve had to learn how to play the hand dealt. One, myself, must change with the changin’ times, adapt, shift, brain thought outside of the box. A tough road to hoe (the garden tool, lol) but it can be done, I’m livin’ proof that its so, MySmile.
    - Oaktown Paul
      @DeepWater @MySmile Congrats to you! Moments like yours should be shared and celebrated!!! Thanks for sharing.
    - DeepWater
      @Oaktown Paul @MySmile Oh, wow, thanks Oaktown Paul.
      
      (Go SF 49ers, let’s get that Lombardi trophy!, Wish it were my Oakland Raiders, oh well, next year…lol)
    - Oaktown Paul
      @DeepWater @MySmile “Go SF 49ers, let’s get that Lombardi trophy!, Wish it were my Oakland Raiders.”
      Having lived in Oakland Area most all my life, my sentiments exactly!!!!!
DeepWater
***wear***
MixedUpInVegas
Great post, Elegance. It might also be helpful to point out that BW should not be swayed by the criticisms of those who feel that “keeping it real” means accepting a lower standard of life than you want for yourself. Being told by others that you are “trying to be white,” or”forgetting where you came from” are just methods of keeping BW down–it might make others feel better when no one is more successful in life than they are, but it doesn’t help BW. Ignore that crap and keep it moving in the direction you want to go.

Part of what hold us as women of color back is fear of being ridiculed and criticized by others in our ethnic group. In order to succeed, though, every woman has to break free of that destructive “group think” and be willing to be her own woman for her own benefit. We are all more than simply the color of our skin.
- Brenda55
  @MixedUpInVegas “Being told by others that you are “trying to be white,” or”forgetting where you came from” are just methods of keeping BW down–it might make others feel better when no one is more successful in life than they are, but it doesn’t help BW. Ignore that crap and keep it moving in the direction you want to go.”
  
  Carved in granite.
Kels
Blackistan has tricked far too many black women into accepting this false notion that wanting to look pretty and attractive and to be lady like is being “stuck up”. Or “acting cute”. It’s ridiculous. I can’t tell you how many times sistas stuck in Blackistan have asked me why I wear makeup everyday. Mind you, I don’t even wear a lot of makeup. I don’t walk around in looking like I just stepped off a photo shoot like Kim Kardashian. And I’m not made up like a clown in that Nicki Minaj fashion. I throw on a little tinted moisturizer, put on a nude shadow, line and mascara my eyes, throw on some cream blush, and fill in my lips with a pencil and then put lip gloss on top. This is my everyday makeup routine and it takes all of five to 10 minutes. And I look great. When I walk out of my home, I’m giving you a polished face like Olivia Pope, ok! But apparently, just taking 5 to 10 minutes to enhance my god given features is something I have been questioned about by black women since I was 16. “Who you think you are?” “You must be ugly cause only ugly women wear makeup!” It’s ridiculous.

My sister is a wedding photographer and she always goes off about how she just can’t understand why so many black brides just REFUSE to get their makeup done for their wedding. So they have their hair done and have on this expensive dress and then this plain bare face. SMH.

And it’s not just the makeup thing. I’ve been questioned about why I exercise. I’m 5’4 and a size two. I’ve been called “anorexic” more time than I can count than during trips to Blackistan. Apparently, I’m supposed to be carrying at LEAST 180 pounds on my small frame.

This is a great topic and I could go on and on. It just pisses me off because we have so much natural beauty, yet our own community does everything it can to make us tarnish that.
- Brenda55
  @Kels Go on and on. This needs to be talked about.
  
  I remember once when I was at the nurses desk and getting ready to leave for the day. I was freshening up my make up and was powdering my face. An older black women looked at me hard and when I met her eyes she told me that she was of the opinion that black women did not need that stuff. It was made for white women to give them some color and that black women did not need it.
  
  Before I could stop myself I blurted out that that was the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Not a good way to make friends and influence people, but I could not help it. That was a stupid attitude to have.
  
  So tell the stories some of this is just too dumb for words and deserves to be laughed at.
  - Brenda55
    @Kels https://www.youtube.com/user/PwettyBambi/videos
    Just posting this because I think the young lady is gorgeous and she loves make-up.
  - Kels
    @Brenda55 And in the deepest darkest corners of Blakistan, they have even convinced black women that removing leg and underarm hair is snobby. These black men are going around telling black women that hair all over their legs and underarms is sexy. It’s ridiculous. Look at that damn fool Monique. Walking the red carpet, proudly showing off her hairy legs. Just so crass and unladylike. And this is what she did on every red carpet. And of course, the white feminist blogs were like “You go, Monique! There’s nothing wrong with hairy legs! If men don’t have to get rid of it, why should we?!” Meanwhile, all these white feminists who write these blogs are setting their appointment to get their body hair waxed.
    
    It just really pisses me off. Oh, and don’t get me started on how in high school, I was constantly mocked for wearing “white girl hairstyles”. Basically, since I didn’t have stiff ass finger waves, waterfalls, neon colored tracks, etc., in my hair, I wanted to be white. SMH. I was very much the odd girl out for not having stiff gelled up hair or Sheneneh hairstyles. No one finds that crap attractive. That’s not “blackness”, that’s ghetto and just straight up ugly.
    - PamelaFoster
      @Kels @Brenda55
      You went hard Kels :)) Couldn’t have done a better job!!
    - uninterracial
      @Kels @Brenda55 “And in the deepest darkest corners of Blakistan, they have even convinced black women that removing leg and underarm hair is snobby.”
      
      What!?! Damn, now I have heard everything.
    - uninterracial
      @Kels @Brenda55 LOL at fingerwaves!! I actually bought into that crap for my senior prom. Actually, I think they were pin curls. When the beautician told me she was “hook me up” I thought for sure she was going to put in some soft, flowing curls-I didn’t know what pin curls were. They might as well have been fingerwaves because that crap was stuck on top of my head like turtle shell. I washed that stuff out the very next day. And she was begging to put in some tracks of hair in the back of my head. SMH, I need to burn those pictures.
    - MySmile
      @uninterracial @Kels I have an aunt who didn’t shave her legs until recently..and she’s in her 50s :-/ She was hairy too..lol..I always thought that was weird…I mean, I guess it’s her right but it didn’t look good to me….now my mom always shaved and wore makeup so naturally my sisters and I do too..
    - Butterfly1
      @Kels @Brenda55
      And in the deepest darkest corners of Blakistan, they have even convinced black women that removing leg and underarm hair is snobby
      
      Oh yes. I dont tell other black women anything anymore.
- Butterfly1
  @Kels
  I have heard the term “prissy” and “acting white”.
RhondaRochelle
I Agree!
Veronica
I once had a British woman upon meeting me for the first time for only a breif moment ask what I was. I told her that I was Nigerian born and she said “Of course! You’re too beautiful to be American (meaning African-American/black-American). She went on to tell me that I also carried myself well and dressed sophicated unlike the “ones” she sees around. Oddly enough I understood where she was coming from. A caucasian man also stopped his car, literally, in the middle of the road after I had crossed the street to ask me my nationally. I told him that I was American (which I am by Naturalization), and he looked so confused and told me that I was beautiful before giving me his number and asking me to lunch. I was confused that he would as my nationality and not my race.

My point is…this isn’t a black woman problem, this is more an African-American women problem. Black Europeans, Africans, blacks from the Islands, etc. are much more aware of their appearance, behavior, etc. They’re far more feminine and take pride in not only how they present themselves physically but also in how they behave, speak and treat those around them. They don’t have attitudes and are generally pleasant to be around and this shows. It REALLY shows! Unfortuantely for black American women, being well spoken, well dressed, mild mannered, soft spoken, slim and healthy, etc. makes you a traget for name calling such as “oreo” or sell-out. Not to mention, the media doesn’t help with shows like Basketball Wives, Hip Hop Wives and Flava of Love. Feminism and beauty isn’t soley dependant on how you look because many if not all of the women on all the shows mentioned are beautiful on the outside, but more by how you BEHAVE. There’s just too much ghetto masculinity within the African-American women community. No man finds that attractive except the lowest of the low. And yes, weight is also a huge factor and one that plagues AA women.

For those AA women that are putting in the effort (which I’m sure are many that visit this site), please do not let the ignorance of others shame you! Start a movement! The internet is your platform for a voice and to bring awareness to your kind.

Good article. Wish more people would come across it.
- M
  “Unfortunately for black American women, being well spoken, well dressed, mild mannered, soft spoken, slim and healthy, etc. makes you a traget for name calling such as “oreo” or sell-out.”
  
  I’m sorry, but I must challenge you a bit. You seem to be generalizing all or most Black
  American women.
  
  I do agree with the author that there is a subset of women who do not see the need to self-improve and I’ve seen it myself, but I have seen it play out most often in lower income areas. The issue has much more to do with class and socio-ecomomic status than culture and I think that this is often a piece that is hardly ever mentioned and what makes it so easy for people to paint all Black women with certain types of behaviors. (I am aware, however, that doing so can come off as classist). So while you feel that this isn’t a problem for Black woman as a whole, I feel that it isn’t a problem for Black American women as a whole. I hope I am not coming off as sassy because that is not my intention. I am just losing my patience at the fact that people will attribute less than desirable behaviors to ALL Black women/men when not all of us come from environments were certain attitudes and behaviors are common.
- MsPeridot
  One of my best friends is from an African country. The way she and her female relatives carry themselves is a MILE off from AA women I encounter in my day to day life. I am fortunate because my grandmother used used words like “lady”, “dainty”, “class” when I was growing up. She had instilled my mother and her sisters with the same sentiment, therefore it rubbed off on me. At work I am often accused of being too quiet, boring, or stuck up because I don’t spend my day loudly talking about people or about how much I long to go to the club to see the same tired men with a ton of baggage. Mind to you, I don’t work in fast food or retail and for the salary you would expect better. The alienation used to bother me somewhat, but as time goes on I see it as a blessing. I’m glad to be different.