“I Did Everything Right and I Still Haven’t Met The One”: What Do NWNW Supporters Say to the Older, Unmarried Woman Who Still Wants Kids?

 Penny  Brenda55 Your comment is right on time. Thank you for telling your story. 

 LorMarie Does this also apply to men? WTH.

 ChristieRJohnson Love it.  Shared it.

 Brenda55

 Yes, you are correct.  That is baby girl!  She represents the best thing I've ever done in my whole life.  It is truly amazing.  To think I almost let motherhood slip by me.  I am glad I took stock of my life and made the changes to brought me a wonderful man and my little sushine! 

 TexasGurl  Brenda55 She's sooooo sweet! All the best to you and your husband in the great adventure called parenting! *Air kisses to her precious little baby face*

 ChristieRJohnson   You did a clear assessment of who you were at the time and knew that you were not marriage material..  You were not looking for someone to "fix" you and then muck up their life. That is a very selfless act. 

[[[Deep Jedi Bow]]] I respect you for taking the stand that you did. 

 Brenda55 I don't want to put words into other people's mouths, but I don't think that anyone is really arguing that it's as easy to conceive at 39 than it is at 22. There is a limited window in which a woman can bear a child, but I personally think that it's a bad idea to get married/pregnant just because you think it's the age appropriate thing to do. Some women will be ready to be moms right after college. Others will need to wait a little bit. You live your life for yourself, not anyone else.

 KTW1 Agreed.  Where I am coming from is for women to critically think, get information and stop going by the nonsense....no that's the wrong word.....misinformation  they hear from their girlfriends, ministers who have you. Make you decisions from a position of having the facts.  

 Brenda55 There is several things online, that is how I've come to my conclusions. Anecdotal is important too, because it is real life proof instead of studies. Studies aren't always king.

I guess my point is that the OP is reaching out saying that she's done everything right and still hasn't found anyone.  She is not in her 20's or early 30's and a lot of the comments are about starting young.  That wasn't her desire.  She would have been miserable if she had.  Even so, she can't turn back time.  What can she do? She can only move forward.  I am telling her that what she wants is possible, if it's meant to be.  She is NOT old, certainly not too old for children.  A lot of women, in this modern era, are able to have their career, youth and marriage and kids if that's their desire.  Also, consider alternative methods that a lot of women are considering - fertility through supplementation.

 Brenda55

 I also want to add to what you've said Brenda...I think we (I assume you might be close to my age) ladies who are of a certain age were part of the whole 'we can have it all generation' and we went to school, got great jobs/careers, delayed marriage and families.  Now many of us from that generation are disovering from personal experiences that it's NOT true...and I believe all we're trying to do is tell the younger ladies is to not let us be examples of 100% what you'll be able to do.  Perhaps you'll get pregnant later with no problems...but the fertility odds could be against you.  I guess I'm saying...stop and smell the roses of life, perhaps pick a few, hang out for a while in them....but for goodness sake, don't linger too long!

 TexasGurl I am I beleive a tad older than you are. At 57 my baby makin' days are long over which is fine since motherhood was never a goal for me.

You are correct I am of that "you can have it all"tm generation. Bought into it and found it to be lacking.

 I find the current debate amoung the Mistresses of the Universe hilariousness. The whole "You can have it  all" tm nonsense deserves a proper burial and should be interred  right next to the Strong Black Woman meme.

I like what your posted " I am glad I took stock of my life and made the changes to brought me a wonderful man and my little sushine!"

This is really all that we on this site and others like it around the web are suggesting.  Looking at things a different way.  Your options are more varied than you imagine.

One has to wonder about the people who attempt to stop black woman from doing this. Why stifle dreams? 

 Brenda55 One question: What about black women who aren't beyond considering adoption? 

That's one thing I never see discussed. There's always this assumption that if you don't have children on your own, you are incapable of having any. But that's not necessarily true.

Some people can't have kids, even at a young age. And some women have no desire to give birth at all.

If a woman can't have a child safely (which becomes an increasing reality the older she gets), is adoption such a bad idea?

 Toni_M No it is not.  However adoption if desired should be looked at very carefully.  Make sure that you do not want to take on more than you can carry.  Hate to say one thing that gets pushed on bw is taking on all of the worlds problems and  that sometimes  means children who present challenges. If you have the heart and are prepared  for that challenge then go for it. 

That was one option that was always pushed towards me though I never wanted children. People looked at my level of education and income and were constantly trying to guilt me into adopting or fostering kids. Most of whom came from horrible situations and had multiple problems.

I guess they thought that because I was a professional caregiver that I had an unlimited amount of care-giving to offer.  That is not true. I grew up in a household with two disabled brothers. My parents pulled the load together and had enough money to do what was needed. Even so I know what that life is life so no thank-you. 

 Toni_M  Brenda55 I think adoption is a great thing, and I do see many black women going that route, even as single mothers.

That being said, for many couples, it's not a decision they reach immediately. Even thinking of my case, I probably would have tried to exhaust all biological options before considering adoption... I think that for many, having a biological child that is a combination of its two parents is an extremely strong drive. It's also why I'd never use donor eggs... I would actually adopt first before using donor material because the pregnancy/birth part isn't all that serious for me (although I'm enjoying it so far)... it's the desire to create a new life with my husband that's important to me.

The road to adoption isn't always easy either. Here's a really good story by a prominent single black female journalist about her road to an ultimately successful adoption and the hoops she had to jump through to get her daughter.

http://blogs.ajc.com/cynthia-tucker/2010/12/22/happy-birthday-to-my-daughter/

That's the exact response I gave: why not adopt? I believe that all children deserve a good home and it saddens me that so many of them face the likelihood of not having that because of more concern regarding having more biological children. I ha

 Toni_M

 I agree adoption can be an option.  However, I also think we should caution at putting that out there as an all fulfilling thing because even adoption has an upper limit of 45 if you want an infant/toddler.  So, if a woman wants to have a baby and says, I have time...or instead if I can't/don't find Mr. Right I'll adopt....a few more years go by and they're thinking the same thing.  Then all of a sudden the only kiddos out there might be the problem children.  This sounds so much like the mammy mentality that BW can just raise babies/kids that no one else wants.  I also agree with what Brenda55 said in terms of black women starting earlier thinking about marriage.  We need to do some additional talking to the black community about telling our girls that a man can come later...you should be "doing you" right now...you don't need no man/husband to hold you back.  SMDH

 TexasGurl  Toni_M "We need to do some additional talking to the black community about telling our girls that a man can come later...you should be "doing you" right now...you don't need no man/husband to hold you back."  SMDH

Yeah, how much "doing you" are you supposed to do anyway? I probably did more by age 25 than the average person does in a lifetime in terms of education, travel, living in different places, having fun experiences with friends, pursuing careers, etc.... like, what more did I really need to do by myself if my longterm life plan included marriage and family?

DH and I always say we wish we'd met each other 4-5 years earlier. Obviously, we both would trade a few years of "doing me" time for more "doing us" time... all of that "doing me" time seems really shallow in comparison for us.

 Bunny77  TexasGurl  You know something, I feel like mentally and emotionally, black women are in so many ways encouraged to NOT think about being coupled. Either with expectations of having a husband to marry her or if she becomes pregnant, embracing the reality of being a single woman. 

I'm beginning to think the message was peddled as a lie: Black women aren't expected to ever marry. I really think that's the idea.

You will either be a single mother, or die alone. Which, if you stop to consider all sides of this, is really evil.

 Bunny77  TexasGurl  Toni_M "Yeah, how much "doing you" are you supposed to do anyway?"

I wonder that too!  I met my husband when I was a sophomore in college, married at age 23 and became pregnant with our first child at 25 years old.  Being married at a young age has not prevented me from "doing me".  It doesn't have to be one or the other.   My husband and I have grown together over the years.  And Lord willing, we will have many, many more years to look forward to. I don't regret not having more single, "me" years.

 Bunny77

 Stepping back on my soapbox....I wonder how much of this isn't related to how some older folks from BC didn't see what young white women/girls were doing (thinking marriage, being marriage minded, getting married and starting a family) and go in the opposite direction with their girls and women because to do anything like that was perceived as too white and "the BC can't have that"  It also seems like pushing that message also seemed to let too many BM off the hook from being what they were supposed to be...providers, family men, getting educated, etc and instead spreading their little seeds across the pond and letting the duckling fend for themselves.  STILL SMDH!As much as I love my dad and he was a provider, was educated and was a family man (and is still 47 years later) to my mom and me....he suggested many times before I married how I should enjoy life and not worry about getting a boyfriend or husband.  That was wrong.  I also think some of our parents are so strict on their girls (by keeping them from dating) that they don't even learn how to date/love and fall for the first sorry dude in some cases because they simply don't learn.  All I can say is the BC has done a disservice to its girls and let the boys off the hook way too much.  My rant is far off the subject at hand, but something crawled up my butt.  Sorry....

 The Working Home Keeper  Bunny77  TexasGurl  Toni_M I confess: I'm currently in the midst of "doing me". The next 3 years are all about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, traveling and career. 

This is my "doing me" time because I didn't have as much freedom as I wanted to have when I was younger and because I made some poor decisions, so I feel as it right now is my last time to dance at the OK Corral before the music stops and it's time to go home. 

I still want marriage and more kids, and if I met the right person I would have no problem committing and getting into a relationship, but for the next 3 years a relationship is only a secondary concern.

Some people need more time to "do me" than other people, and some people just want to do more than other people while they are still single and unencumbered. I realize that not everyone wants to travel the world, get advanced degrees, or do research in the Amazon, but for those who do want to do those sort of things, "doing me" is going to take up a bit more of their time.

@TexasGurl I understand your soapbox. I was indoctrinated with, "You're going to college to get an EDUCATION - not a HUSBAND" as if the two were mutually exclusive. At least for my parents, I believe that the " you're not there for a husband" bit stemmed from their fear that I would, despite all their feaching/training and careful planning, wind up pregnant and unwed. (In their defense, I graduated high school and went to college out of state and hundreds of miles away). MeetIng my future husband *in college* simply wasn't my plan or intent, even though I later came to know and understand that college is the place that holds the greatest amount of like-minded men. I married at 28, which, unfortunately for me, turned out to be too late to successfully carry a baby to term because of physical problems I didn't even know I had. If a woman wants to have children, I would caution her against taking too long during the "me" years, because you just don't know how many GOOD reproductive years you will actually have.

I meant to add that I graduated high school at 16.

 ASwirlGirl  TexasGurl

 ASwirlGirl...I am so sorry to hear about your issues with fertility.  I honestly waited nearly too long myself at 41.  Thankfully I had baby at what is probably my last possibly moment of fertility (she is 3 months old).  She is happy and healthy.  I hope you'll explore all your options including adoption.  As expensive as I'm sure it is...have you considered a gestational carrier?  I have a high school friend who is doing that right now.   

 TexasGurl  ASwirlGirl TexasGurl, congratulations on your baby.  :)

 TexasGurl Thanks so much. I've pretty much made my peace with it. I've decided that I'll direct all my maternal energies to the potential grandchildren of a future spouse. I want to shower them with love and attention and invest in them as much as my Grandmother did with me. I can't tell you how excited I am about this. LOL!

 Jamila  Personal question. You can tell me to stuff it if you don't want to answer and we'll still be cool.

What if Mr. Right shows up diring your three year doing me time? Do you stick to the plan hoping he'l wait of change course? Just wondering.

 ASwirlGirl

 Good for you!  I'm glad you've made peace with it.  It can be a hard pill to swallow and you've clearly done it with grace!

 Jamila  I agree totally with you ,i am also still in the process of doing me and have been for the past 6 years. i am now only just thinking about being part of a couple ,children are still definitely out of the question. Do i see more doing me years ahead? possibly ,i have not ruled out getting married but i have a picture of what my life should look like for me to be happy and someone who does not share a similar vision will make me extremely unhappy.                                                                                                                                                                                               i have some friends who rushed into marriage and mother hood and it is not a pretty picture ,some others did and love it .it is all a question of knowing who you are and what you need

 Brenda55 I think I need to tell you some of my back story first. 

In high school I was a good student but spent too much time focusing on a guy, and that caused my grades to suffer. 

In college, I was doing well but spent too much time focusing on having a boyfriend. The result was that my grades suffered and I didn't accomplish as much as I should have. 

After I left college for the first time I got caught up in wanting to have a boyfriend--and ended up pregnant. 

Do you the pattern here? lol

I'm finally at a point where I realize that if I want to accomplish certain things I am probably going to need to take a time out from the relationship market to get those things done. I'm squeamish about getting seriously involved with someone because I know that relationships tend to get me off track because I invest so much of myself into them. Right now, I just want to invest in myself. If I meet the right guy my plan is to take things as slow as possible and convince him that I need this time to focus on being selfish and doing what I want to do; not to say that I couldn't be a good girlfriend, but I'm hesitant about allowing a relationship to become a priority. So if I do meet The One I'm hoping he'll stick around until my sojourn is over and then we can get married and I can have those 2 or 3 kids before I turn 37.  

 Jamila Thank-you for answering me.  I know my question could be seen as intrusive and I am happy that you took it in the spirit in which it was meant.

Thanks for the back-story. I can see where your head is at and I now understand your plan. Wishing you every success. 

 Brenda55 Thank you Brenda. I've known you long enough (and well enough, even though we've only spoken online) to know that your heart and intentions were in the right place. 

 ASwirlGirl  TexasGurl "I believe that the " you're not there for a husband" bit stemmed from their fear that I would, despite all their feaching/training and careful planning, wind up pregnant and unwed."

Yep.  That's why I heard it.

 dani-BBW Excellent response Dani! This is how I feel as well.

And I certainly agree with your last sentence. I think these things need to be discussed so that women who know they want children don't feel caught in a bind years later if they still haven't had a child yet. I swear, time flies... I barely remember ages 26-30... like, I think I turned 25 and then turned 30 the next year! But 20-25 seemed to last forever for some reason.

If I was in my late 30s and still unmarried, I would get super serious about trying to make it happen. That would mean cutting off all contact with men who hang around in the background but never pull the trigger on a relationship, trying every dating option I could find to increase my chances of meeting someone, not wasting time on new guys I meet who are wishy washy about what they want from a relationship or if they want one at all, etc., etc.

If one is going to spend time researching sperm donation options or trying to find a "friend" willing to be the father of her child, she can spend just as much time pursuing marriage as well.

I'm not saying this is going to work in every case, but to me, deciding to conceive a child is a serious decision regardless of your marital status. I don't take that responsibility lightly, and I'd feel I'd owe it to my child to make that choice wisely... which is why, even in an "older"  age, I would make sure I exhausted my every effort to find a husband before I decided to make a decision on parenthood. (And even then, I'd probably adopt if I was still single and still wanted kids.)

 Bunny77

 This is an awesome response....I love how you suggest, "That would mean cutting off all contact with men who hang around in the background but never pull the trigger on a relationship, trying every dating option I could find to increase my chances of meeting someone, not wasting time on new guys I meet who are wishy washy about what they want from a relationship or if they want one at all, etc., etc."

These are words to live by...too often we see women in this situation settle instead of doing more active searching for Mr. Right and settling for Mr. That'll Do and the latter doesn't make good daddy material!

 C15h I'm sorry, if you cannot see how adopting a child already here - which has no parents and may languish in an orphanage or foster care with little chance at a decent life - is different than intentionally creating a child using just a sperm donor, I don't think there is anything further I can contribute in our dialogue.