Christelyn,

I’m a religious reader of your site, and love to hear your responses to guys’ questions about IR dating.  Recently, you addressed a response to a Hispanic/mixed man from Houston who was trepidatious about approaching black women.  In your response, you expressed surprised at this, being that he grew up in a largely black and Hispanic neighborhood.  In your words, I believe you responded that you were surprised that he hadn’t picked up on “the code.”  That caught my attention, and spurred me to write this message.

For many non-black guys, the very problem is that we have picked up on “the code.”  And what we’ve learned is that black women don’t like non-black men.  That’s why so many of us are fascinated by your site.  It’s mind-blowing to us to see so many black women expressing interest in white (and other) men.  In my formative years, I never even imagined that black women looked at white men as anything other than vague enemies.

I’ve lived in Houston my whole life (I’m 31).  I grew up in white, affluent Houston (Memorial area, if you’re familiar), and my experiences taught me that black people in general viewed white people as little more than obstacles to a better life.  And the few times that I’ve seen the topic of white guy/black girl relationships addressed, it’s been largely greeted by chuckles of incredulity from black girls, like it was a bad joke that they might consider dating a white guy.  So please understand–and help your readers to understand–that the reticence non-black guys feel about approaching black women stems from years of perceived rejection by them.

Many of the comments on this particular posting contained comments along the lines of “I’m tired of weak men being afraid of us,” and “we’re just like all other women,” and “if a grown man can’t approach, he’s not worth my time.”  Everyone’s entitled to their opinions, but that doesn’t mean their opinions have any more validity than answers gleaned from a Ouija Board.

Men want women, black, white, or otherly hued.  But please remember that we’re human just as well as you.  We don’t like rejection, and we generally go where we feel wanted.  Black women are different to us because you all represent a segment of the female population that has been off limits in some way or another since the birth of this nation.  We might hear or read or assume things about black women, but we don’t know because we lack direct experience with them as a group.  The bottom line is that if IR dating is ever to work, black women need to open themselves to our experiences just the same as non-black guys must seek to understand yours.

Again, love your site, and keep up the good work.

Jeff V.