Written by Penelope Farthing
Good morning class, my name is Professor Pickmeisha Jones, a colleague of a Pimp named Nick Nack, and I teach black women nationwide at the Build a Brotha Workshop. The Build A Brotha Workshop is a course designed out of the need to bridge the gap between single, well to do, educated, marriage minded black women, and the black men they desire. It’s hard out here to be a black woman in these dating streets, what with black women outnumbering black men and nonblack men not wanting us (ignore those swirlers, they don’t count), so hopefully this workshop provides you with the tools to find you a good brotha to build with and get picked… eventually.
This program can last anywhere from 1 to 70 years, depending on how much effort you are willing to put in. The earlier you get on board the better, that way you can get to building before you hit menopause and release your last little egg!
Let’s talk about some of the modules you’ll encounter in the class:
There’s a shortage of Good Black Men here…or so they say. Maybe it’s the definition of “good” that’s the problem! A Good Black Man can take many forms. It doesn’t matter if you are childless and he’s a baby daddy, as long as he takes care of his kids! Helping out with his kids will be good practice! He’s got a lot of love to give, so if he cheats (which we know is impossible, because Charlamagne and Lil Duval said #blackmendontcheat), it’s not that big a deal as long as he doesn’t bring any resulting drama or babies to your doorstep. Love conquers all, so as long as he loves you, his career, salary, or earning potential should not carry as much weight as other women make it seem. This module will share tips and tricks on where to snag a Good Black Man, even in unlikely places, like jail, loitering outside the gas station, or at the child support proceedings at your local courthouse.
Say you didn’t find a Good Black Man in your neck of the woods. You can try your luck and import a husband from other majority black nations in Africa or the Caribbean, but between cultural clashes and visa issues, your biological clock may run out of time. Since Good Black Men can be in short supply, you might end up in a rotation of potential women until he is ready to settle down. You’ll learn your role as the woman in the relationship, to submit, with little to no questions asked, even if you are the breadwinner, even if you are just a girlfriend. Also covered in this module will be the art of splitting financial responsibilities. Contrary to popular belief, there is no shame in going dutch on the first date, or splitting 50/50 on the rent and bills down the line. Three cheers for EQUALITY! This module will teach women how to share well with others, as well as anger management and de-escalation techniques, handy tools in the arsenal when you’ve got girlfriend #3 on the phone and up in your DMs accusing you of stealing “her” man. The nerve!
Some Good Black Men have not reached their full potential due to external factors such as white supremacy, the kindergarten to prison pipeline, and the black woman’s betrayal of him for WIC and welfare. Any poor choices he’s made in the past is not his fault, ever. In order to be the peace and comfort to your Good Black Man, you’re going to learn to not just be his wife/girlfriend/flavor of the month; you’ll also have to act as mommy stand-in, to raise him just a tiny bit more. The focus is on you being good wife material, not him being good husband material. Remember, contrary to nature and every other race of women, the Good Black Man is the prize to be won, so you best come correct with what you bring to the table from the beginning. This module will include résumé prep and job-hunting tips to help your man get a better job as you apply on his behalf, how to uplift and inspire your man to protect, provide, produce, and problem-solve, and how to pick up the slack in the event that he doesn’t.
We all know that black women all have bad attitudes which is why most of us are single and in need of such a workshop. It’s not just our attitude towards interpersonal relationships that need some work, but to everything else, too. Those disgusting swirlers will bring up statistics like the out of wedlock rate in the black community, which they claim is something like 77%. Who collected those statistics anyway? You know that the white man will do anything to keep us down, even though he’s not forcing people to have an army of children they can’t care for. This module will explain why birthing bastards isn’t the end of the world, marriage is just a piece of paper, and the rarely discussed positives of baby mama/baby daddy culture.
Also in need of adjustment is the attitude towards health. Those swirlers like to point out that black women in certain cities are getting infected with HIV at rates rivaling third world countries. I believe this is a scare tactic designed to frighten you into the arms of nonblack men, and from pharmaceutical companies to make a quick black dollar (that’s why they chose a straight black woman to have a role in their medication ad!). HIV is not a death sentence anymore, so man sharing when the men are in such short supply isn’t as risky as people make it out to be. This module will provide some much needed context to the conversation about black women and STDs, as well as pronunciation guidelines for many medications that you might encounter on your dating journey.
“Professor Pickmeisha’s workshop showed me that my standards were simply too high and I would have been old and decrepit waiting for my black king if I kept them. At first, I wanted a man that made at least high 5-figures like I did, or even higher. Despite all my attempts, I kept getting overlooked! By lowering the bar to just being employed, rather than focusing on a salary that could provide for a growing family, I’m building with my fiancé of 9 years!” Kendra, 38, nurse, engaged to Mail Delivery Driver
“I’ve always been a foodie. I’ve dined at the finest restaurants here and abroad. But my expensive food tastes were limiting my options. I used to get first-date requests for coffee at greasy chain establishments and when I said no, I was called bougie and picky. Now I know that as long as food is being served, it counts as a date, whether it’s in Denny’s, his mom’s house, or the parking lot!” Sandra, 27, recovering foodie and prison chow aficionado.
These are just a small sample of the modules in the Build A Brotha Workshop. The course will continue to grow according to the needs of the population served. By following the course and doing the work, you’re sure to get picked!
Or you could skip all this, pray for some common sense, and just choose the best man for the job.