Come Hither: Bees in the Trap (So He’s Checking Me Out…Now What Do I Do!?)

If you read the first part of my little ‘how to’ on being a man magnet diva, you already learned a few new tricks meant to catch the eye of any red blooded male. Now that you’ve got the attention of a prospect, or several, what do you do next?

Remember when I said ‘they look, you look and then smile….?’

They smiled back, didn’t they?

Of course, they did, you may have even noticed him ‘perk up’ a bit when you gave him a subliminal thumbs up.

If you walked on by, then keep walking, and if you’re bashful, please don’t look back, because some of the men whose eyes you caught are now checking you out from the rear view.

Don’t be insulted, this is natural. If  you feel some type of way about a man taking you in, ALL OF YOU IN, then I’ll ask you when was the last time you eye raped a man you found attractive? Are you a disgusting human being for being sexually indulgently with your imagination? Well, he isn’t either.

I’m not saying its sexy to be OGLED, there is a difference, but you should consider your sexual attraction as something to be appreciated. His eyes like what they see, work that out into something healthy, please.

You can turn around and verify what I”m telling you if you want, I do, but I”m bold and enjoy checking men when they play men games (I’m an Alpha) with me, I PLAY ROUGH BECAUSE THE MAN THAT ATTRACTS ME WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY BOLDNESS. You do what’s best for you, but don’t shrink and scurry away, get accustomed to being sexy. You’ll thank me later.

Remember, being checked out by the opposite sex is not a bad thing but will you use this as an opportunity to say something snooty to him?

Something flirty or naughty?

Or not interested…ish?

When you’ve got the attention of all of the men in the room with functioning eyes, the ball is officially in your court, don’t be so quick to toss it back to the opposing team!

Bees in the Trap

Men are like animals and they will circle you like wolves hunting prey. Don’t be intimidated by the attention or the way they may shift positions around you in hopes of getting closer to you. He just wants the opportunity to speak to you and he’s hoping you’ll be kind enough to share your phone number for the pain he’s about to endure……..its not easy for men to approach a beautiful woman (yes, you, your beautiful. Remember, he’s pursuing you so he sees something he likes. The battle is half won!).

You are a Queen.

Be kind.

Show mercy.

The Elevator Pitch

When a man approaches me, I give him a whole entire 5 minutes of my undivided attention, unless he says something stupid to cause me to send out my imaginary Sandman Crothers to dance a jig while removing him from my sight, of course.

During that time, I respond to his conversation with comments (vague, he doesn’t need much, this isn’t a job interview) and questions of my own. The purpose of nearly anything he’s saying is to gather information about you, you should take this time to do the same, the same as you are expected to do in a job interview, participate in the vetting. Someone will control the conversation, it might as well be you.

This isn’t a game of cat and mouse, there is no white knight coming for you who will be all that you hoped for, sorry. So, yes, you’ll have to eyeball the veggies, sniff the fruit and turn over the meat, the same as you do any other time you’re shopping.

What should you find out during the pitch?

Ask about his career or employment situation because he should have income, I don’t consider men who don’t, maybe you shouldn’t either. Some black women accept men who have never held a  job nor completed school or vocational training, I don’t consider that type of man worth my time. At the very minimum, he needs to be able to adequately and equally support himself, I prefer him to earn more than I but you can negotiate and trade off if you wish.

There are those women who will offer the benefit of the doubt to a man with no financial prospects in hopes that she can inspire him to ‘get on his feet’ later on, as if a grown man needs a woman’s career guidance, there’s a time and place for that type of interaction, pre-dating isn’t it.

Who will be supporting him in the meantime? I’m nobody meal ticket. I’m sending my daughter an invoice just as soon as she gets a job.

Feel free to determine what is and is not appropriate to you and seek that. If a man falls short of your basic expectations then…..

You must specifically ask about marital status because there is such a thing as men who are in open relationships with permission to date; those separated but actively dating; there are widowers; and those who are married and stepping outside of their marriages for a number of reasons (I know a great guy who I’ve dated several times casually who is taking care of his terminally ill wife. He dates with her blessing. She wants him to have someone when she’s no longer here. *sigh*).

Listen for the type of situation that you find acceptable but be open minded nonetheless. The world of adults is very complicated, the words don’t all mean their old definitions, keep that in mind.

I need to know about children because widowers have children, and some men are single custodial fathers, there are others with children born to dead beat mothers who float in and out of their lives.

Listen for what matters and take note. I don’t do men with kids, even though I was a woman with a child, so what…? As a rule I didn’t date men with kids. I made no apologies for what I was told was ‘selfishness’ on my part but why should I accept less when I can get someone better suited to MY NEEDS! (ME. ME. ME. ME. ME..say it with ME…..ME!!)

I specifically wanted a man with no kids at all so that he could father my child and I wanted more children within a marriage one day. A ready made family didn’t offer that option, nor did I want the intrusion of other people within my relationship but when I did bend my rule, I regretted it because of the DBR Dominican children’s mother who took the kids in and out the country at will, emotionally mistreated them and caused as much chaos in our relationship by using the kids as pawns as she could.

I have no time for the Matrix, maybe you like kids, maybe he an she make great co-parents, who knows? I don’t care to find out.

Personal interests is a big one with me because here is where a man makes or breaks the deal. Red light if he can’t identify what a hobby is (“into watching sports is not”) or mentions something I have no desire to learn or participate in (hunting animals…um, eww, you barbarian!) but if he enjoys doing something on my list of “things that TRJ does” (you do have this list don’t you? No? Go make one!) then he may get access to me on a friend basis, at least initially.

We can get to know each other as casual friends even if I don’t think the rest of his stats makes him a great romantic prospect for me.

Why would I bother exchanging numbers with him if he’s not ‘the one’……….?

Duh, because we can hang out, have fun, I may gain a new friend, and he may have single friends who are better suited for me (and I for him).

We are both single aren’t we…?

Join forces a.k.a. networking.

Elevator pitch..get it?

You’re Stunting on These Haux

He’s smiling.

You”re smiling.

He’s gone way past his five minutes and you don’t mind. You two look like two happy teenager…….gosh be golly! So now that you determined that you like him and would like to offer him the time of day……what do you do next? 

You decline to give him your phone number and instead ask for his contact information.

This way you fit him into your schedule.

This way you don’t wait by the phone on some wack ‘but he said he was gonna call me’ dramatics. Nope, those were the old days.

If he gives you each and every piece of contact information he has then he may be a little too desperate.

If he gives you his business card and doesn’t offer to include his cell number with it he may be married and not telling you.

If he eagerly snatches up a napkin and scratches out his number and full name then give him a time and day that you’ll call him and then honor it. Ask if its okay to text him if you want, but at some point you should pick up the phone and talk to him, if not how else will you really get to know him? If you’ve been texting and he’s not made a further move to call you, he may be shy, or lame. You may like shy and/or lame, I don’t….but… communication does not a relationship make. I need to remind people of this.

Walk Away Gracefully

If I’m not interested and am approached anyway, there’s nothing wrong with declining an invitation to communicate further with a man. You owe no one.

I’ll decline men’s advances for any number of reasons, my reasons range from the very shallow all the way through the very complicated, I feel no need to justify my wants and desires and neither should you.

Compliments are fine, you can thank the originator with a smile as you continue to strut past them. No harm, no foul. Men expect to get shot down, its part of the hunt, so don’t sweat it when you choose to refuse a man’s advances.

If you find yourself in the company of someone who is boring you to death (or killing you with their HAWT BREF) excuse  yourself by bidding them a Good Evening and walking away.

After all, you’re not married and there are more men to meet. Some women have been conditioned to set their sites on one prospect that shows them interest. Don’t be a haux!! All up in those men’s faces….HELL YEAH!! I’m checking them out to see whose checking me out!!! I don’t play from the sidelines!! Tell that voice in your head to STFU!!

Not every man is to be taken seriously, you’ll be able to spot the smooth talkers soon enough but for now, you have new potentials to meet. Time is of the essence and you shouldn’t spoil him by giving in to easily. Don’t let one man beat your ear even if he tries to pin your down and ‘claim’ you. Give other suitors space and opportunity to pique your interest.

Leave him wanting more

Make it a game just like the guys do. Set a goal of meeting 2 new men a week and stick to it. You’ll be surprised at how the pursuit of a mate becomes less stressful when you keep a sense of humor about the entire thing. Dating and mating is meant to be enjoyed, and finding a mate is all a numbers game, so grab your dance card and multiply your chances.

Now that you’ve got those numbers…….At some point you’ll need to have a first date….#staytuned