In this interview, we are concluding our first Pink Pill Spotlight. We are diving deeper into black women’s experiences dating abroad and the best strategies to succeed in the dating market. Many thanks to Naomi for suggesting this series and volunteering to be the first interview subject.
How have you found dating these men in Europe?
Well, so far, I’ve only dated men in some of Europe’s Latin-speaking countries: Italy, Spain and France. I have a ranking system for the men of each country based on their passion and directness and forcefulness on dates (just a generalization). I’ve found Spanish men so tender and loving, so I’ll give them one flame. With Italian men, they can be very passionate, so I’ll give them two flames. I give French men three flames because they tend to have a very loving yet lustful, and soft yet direct romantic characteristic to them. Sorry ladies, ‘Lumière‘ from Beauty and the Beast just might exist! I find men in Europe very touchy-feely and romantic. American culture can be more conservative, so it takes some time getting used to the cultural differences.
I find European men very chivalrous. They’ll treat you like a lady and pay for dates. Some men help with your coats and most will hold the door. However, not everyone is exactly the same. All guys are different, no matter what country you are in.
How do you set the right tone for your dates?
You want to have certain standards for dates. Ideally, it needs to be better than casual friend experiences. The initial stages set the standard for future connections. I have really valued my time since I’ve come to Europe.
Evaluate how to spend your time. Tinder in Europe is different from the American scene. You can use it to meet new people or date. I’m in a safe area as well. You can be out at 2 am with headphones on and no one will bother you.
Do you feel that taking the Pink Pill has helped to guide your dating strategy?
This program has definitely helped to give me some perspective. I also try to connect with similar programs, like The Blue Goddess Group Podcast by Kendall St. Charles. I try to keep these strategies and in mind as I continue to date.
What are some of the things you do to continue improving your dating game or your strategies?
Read books on your language journey, if you’re entering into an environment where English is not spoken a lot. I’m constantly improving my Spanish and French.
I love the content on Christelyn’s Youtube channel (Beyond Black and White) and within the Pink Pill community. As I mentioned, I also listen to Kendall St. Charles and Ayesha K. Faine’s course, The Five Laws of Feminine Power, for strategies, or connect with Anna Bey’s (from The School of Affluence) as well. It’s so helpful to have these resources at my disposal. I can tap into each community for advice and information. That’s what sisterhood is all about.
Are you dating men one-on-one, or are you dating multiple men?
I always date multiple men, even if there are serious contenders. It brings out the competitiveness in men. I think sometimes when European men see women coming to the country and think “more options.”
One way to get past that is to trick your mind into not caring as much. Please keep in mind for those that want to get married in a specific timeframe, know that they can spot out that you probably really want to get married, but men can smell that desire and mistake it as desperation and it may scare them off. Europeans are not in any rush to the altar. In fact, they are marrying in their late 30s and 40s as opposed to late 20s like Americans. However, I find that if men realize that you don’t really care about securing that relationship or getting married right away, they tend to be more invested in the dating process. It’s all a mind game, ladies.
How can someone get to know people or a new culture?
You can be friends with men and work with them. That’s a great way to learn the culture and society. Spain is a very male-oriented society. It’s very traditional. For example, Spanish men don’t move out of their parents’ house until they are in their 40s. People tend to get married later in life. In the States, that would definitely be a deal-breaker, so it’s important to understand those nuances. You do have some people who have kids in their teens and early twenties, but that’s the exception.
When I am with my friends, they usually make an effort to speak English, so I am more comfortable. But when they speak amongst themselves, they speak Spanish at a natural pace. It gives me a chance to practice my listening skills, and to get important tidbits. For example, my male friends sometimes share about women they are interested in or even share how they would go about approaching women in person or on Tinder. It helps me to better navigate the dating arena and the vast minds of men in general.
Women are trained to be respectable and to follow the rules. While I think rules are definitely important, it’s important to be smart about it. Follow the good things that work for you, and leave the rest. For example, I don’t accept last minute dates from men. That’s a pretty well-known rule, and it makes sense. Who knows? You could be a back-up when his main lady is unavailable. You may have other things to do, and this invitation could disrupt things. He may not even value my time if he is inviting me on such short notice.
Did you get that advice from the book “The Rules?”
I did, actually. The Rules are nice, but you are going along with passive patriarchal dating. The book is good, but I needed more. I abide by some rules – the ones that work for me. Kendall mentions that black women take everything like a religion and that we don’t have to always do that. Just take what makes sense to you and sift through to see what makes sense to you. It’s more of a psychological process than anything. For instance, The Rules tell you not to give men direct answers, but it depends on the situation. Men in Europe are usually more direct with their sexual intentions, so you have to be direct as well to establish clear boundaries. American men are willing to bide their time when they’re getting to know you.
If you could describe your journey in three words, what would you choose?
Exciting, growth, and specific.
What is the best thing about the dating process right now?
I am free to date around and actively to date. I like dating. I’ve also really appreciated the opportunity to visit new places and meet new people. I like Paris as well and I am going back to France for the summer to visit and work in smaller towns. I like seeing who is out there.
How has your family reacted?
My mom has been supportive of my growth and journey. She gives me solid advice and also tells me to be careful, but she definitely has my back. I am so grateful for the support.
How have your friends reacted?
They are very supportive. I try to keep in touch with some friends back home as I continue on this journey.
What are some of the expectations you had before making these changes?
At first, when I was thinking about getting a husband, and I thought I had to follow a formula – there is no one formula. I am not putting marriage at the forefront of my journey anymore…at least not anytime soon. I recently did a telecall with Kendall St. Charles. Thanks to her advice, I have tried to enjoy the process and relax my morals. That way, I can keep my options open to new and different opportunities.
Do you have any other advice for our readers?
It’s important to have friends when moving abroad. That way, you have people in your circle who have your back and can look out for you. I have an amazing friend circle in Spain. We have the opportunity to grow and level up together. We are all here figuring out next steps.
Don’t be ashamed to want a better life. Live life to the fullest. You can’t afford to waste your time. Make the most of it.
Vetting is so important. I can’t stress that enough. It’s important to be aware of men’s minds are and beat them at their own game. You have to separate the bad from the good no matter where you are in the world.
Building up your confidence is key. I used to be really shy. I didn’t just want to daydream about the life that I wanted. I wanted to move forward and do it. I wanted to get into the game. How am I actively pursuing my dream? Just start small and work your way up. You’ll learn on your way to the top.
Never stop networking. A connection can always come in handy.
Adjust your mindset. Minimize the fairy tale and focus on being as strategic as possible.
Is there anything else you would like to share?
You have the choice of how you want to approach things and move forward. You have the choice and responsibility. It’s all up to you.
Thank you so much for reading this interview! If any of you are interested in participating in this series, please leave a comment below or connect with Christelyn Karazin. For more information about The Pink Pill, the world’s first self-development online course specifically for black women, click here.