Etiquette 101: The Art of Paying a Compliment

 Criticalthinker   "Many people who have issues with this do not realize they are advertising their own lack of self love and confidence, especially when a situation arises when a compliment should be granted.

EXACTLY!!!!!! Thank you for clarifying that! PRECISELY  my point the ability to freely give and receive compliments comes from a healthy place naturally . It is not neuroscience, it is a simple compliment.

 DUsher  Criticalthinker One of my pastors once made a comment to the effect that you need to be a bit wary of those who can't take a compliment, especially in the dating arena. Made a lot of sense to me.

 DUsher"It seems that some people who responded do not care for compliments either due to personal preference or due to some negative experience with people misusing the practice to set them up or cause harm. We cannot be responsible for what other people do but we can be responsible for what we do. If we know someone is using a compliment for evil intent, surely we will take  measures to dodge the trap they are setting, however that does not mean complimenting should not be utilized when appropriate."

In my post, I very briefly stated a situation in which I felt that compliments toward me seemed manipulative and actually I'll add condescending and patronizing.  I didn't realize it at first because I naively thought that compliments were always used in a sincere way.  But through this specific situation, I realized that that is not always the case.  So that's why I said that it is also important for people to be aware of the way in which compliments are being used, in the moment, not after the fact, so that they'll be more in tune to whether or not the person is being geniuine or manipulative.  And from that point, what that person decideds to do is on them.  I don't think anyone here has said that compliment shouldn't be used at all.  My personal preference was that I just don't really care, but that doesn't mean that I think other people shouldn't give compliments.

As to the second part of your statement,  if I really enjoy a service and I feel like I have been treated well at a restaurant or whatever the case may be,  I usually give several thank yous throughout the service, and especialy in the case of restaurant service,  I will let the server know that I appreciate their efforts, especially if I am "bothering" my server with another request, when he or she  seems really busy, and I'll also leave a good tip. I remember recently going to a diner and placing a small order for me and my daughter, and at the end of the meal, I left a tip that was a bit over the standard amount, and the guy seemed surprised and appreciative.  Those are the things that show appreciation for good work in a dining setting, in my opinion.  And if I do complain about service, like in the case, when I once called up a pizzeria I really liked to order from and complained about the sloppy presentation of the pizza I had just received,  I first made sure to let the clerk know that I usually really like the food and delivery service.  So even when I was complaining, I stayed appreciative and polite about their otherwise good service.

Also, there are people who always see the negative side and have never seen fit to show another person that they appreciate something about that person, but they'll be really quick to point out faults, and usually people like that have always been like that, and are just more prone to negativity, and I just avoid them.

 introvertedwanderer  Quote # 1 from you:  I generally really don't care about compliments,  and would prefer to not be put in the spotlight with compliments, for the most part,  but I do appreciate being recognized for my efforts in a workplace setting.

The definition of the word compliment is:   : an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration; especially : an admiring remark b : formal and respectful recognition

I am a little confused here you said you do not care for compliments but in the same vein welcome them in a workplace setting?? part of the definition of the word compliment is  recognition. So which is it? you care for compliments or you don't care for compliments. f you do not care to be put in the spotlight then do you really want compliments because on some level that is what compliments do. Unless you mean you just want your boss or co -worker to shoot you an email telling  you that you did a good job where no one sees it but you. but even in that vein it is still a compliment.Quote #2 from you: Outside of the workplace, I don't really care,  and I don't usually make it a priority to give other people compliments, either, because I tend to treat other people the way I would want to be treated, and that's by not putting people in the spotlight.

And that is your choice to do so. The world will not end or go to hell because you, I or anyone else decides to refrain from complimenting someone. No harm no foul. The world is a meaner place, sometimes a nice word might lift someone up.

Quote #3And I also make sure to praise my daughter for putting in effort to learn something or try something that I've taught her or that her father has shown her, or that she has thought up to do on her own.

You confirmed what I stated in the post that children are more responsive to try new things if they are complimented and encouraged. You said you don't care for compliments but you give them to your daughter to encourage her? It seems to me you see the value in it and care for it more than you let on. should it  be better stated that you prefer not to compliment strangers or people you do not know very well or care for because it does seem to me that you do care for compliments for yourself in the work place (quote #1) and for your daughter (quote #3)

I never said anyone on here said that compliments should not be used at all, I said that we should not allow people who use compliments for the wrong reasons stop us from using them for the right reasons. People with common sense and intuition can tell when someone is "spreading it on thick" for selfish reasons and they will either be swayed by it or not. I have also found some people because of their own baggage and issues cannot or will not receive a compliment from another not matter how sincere it is given. I have given compliments to some people and they smile and receive it warmly and others it is met with an attitude and suspicion, but I do not take it personally because that is THEIR problem not mine. I want nothing from them and have nothing to lose and therefore if they reject it, it is on them.

 DUsher

 "I am a little confused here you said you do not care for compliments but in the same vein welcome them in a workplace setting?? part of the definition of the word compliment is  recognition. So which is it? you care for compliments or you don't care for compliments. f you do not care to be put in the spotlight then do you really want compliments because on some level that is what compliments do. Unless you mean you just want your boss or co -worker to shoot you an email telling  you that you did a good job where no one sees it but you. but even in that vein it is still a compliment."

I don't see what is confusing about what I stated, but ok.  I stated that I "generally" don't care for compliments, but yes, I do appreciate them in a workplace setting.  Just because I generally don't care for or about something, doesn't mean there aren't specific situations in which I don't recognize the value of said thing. So as I said, I appreciate compliments/recognition/being given credit in a workplace environment because that tells me that my employers recognize my efforts which may lead to a raise, being moved into a position with more responsibilites because of my abilities, etc. But outside of work, no, I don't usually care for recognition. I've found, through past experience, that the workplace is usually where I place more value on getting recognition, while outside of work, it's not a big deal to me.  So when I speak to my sister and she pays me a compliment (telling me I'm smart because I often give her what she considers good advice) I don't focus very much on that part of the conversation.

"And that is your choice to do so. The world will not end or go to hell because you, I or anyone else decides to refrain from complimenting someone. No harm no foul. The world is a meaner place, sometimes a nice word might lift someone up."

I realize that is my choice, that is why I generally phrase things in terms of "I" and what "I" do or don't do and things that "I" have personally observed or experienced. You said something along the lines of try not to pass up an opportunity to give a compliment, so my statement was most likely in response to that, because there are situations in which I could have given a compliment but because I don't make it a priority to do so, I chose not to give compliments during those times.

"You confirmed what I stated in the post that children are more responsive to try new things if they are complimented and encouraged. You said you don't care for compliments but you give them to your daughter to encourage her? It seems to me you see the value in it and care for it more than you let on. should it  be better stated that you prefer not to compliment strangers or people you do not know very well or care for because it does seem to me that you do care for compliments for yourself in the work place (quote #1) and for your daughter (quote #3)"

 I stated that I "generally" don't care for compliments, but like I said above, that doesn't mean that I don't understand the value of it and that I won't give compliments on occasion.  So I very much agreed with your statement about children and giving them compliments. I was nodding my head when I initlally read that part of your entry, because I wholeheartedly agreed with that point.

"People with common sense and intuition can tell when someone is "spreading it on thick" for selfish reasons and they will either be swayed by it or not."

I  think this is a good point, and the problem is that a lot of people don't have a strong sense of intuition.  Depending on personality type and maybe other factors, some people lack a deep intuition and are more about surface level meaning, so they will often miss the deeper, more layered meaning of other peoples motives. Intuition is the first line of defense and there are people who seem to lack this, and don't usually end up putting two and two together until after the fact.  I am more intuitive, but my downfall, in the past, now now, was that I ignored my intuition sometimes and tried to give people a chance, even if I had those little warning bells going off that the person just wasn't right in some way.

 introvertedwanderer Not going to going to get into a long drawn out response back and forth over this. You made it clear for you that compliments are beneficial at certain times give or receive other times they are not. That is you, go do you. My goal for this post was to encourage people to express verbal kindness when the opportunity arose. I am done with the dialogue.

Best To you.

 DUsher Ok, cool.  Never meant to really turn this into a debate, I was really just stating my preferences and giving my opinions based on what others said.  Great topic.

 DUsher Excellent post! In many environments where "venting" is common, the well-timed compliment serves as a breath of fresh air...

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 EarthJeff Two types of teachers I remember, the really good ones and the really bad ones. Ms Demarco was one of the good ones. Those seeds you plant  Jeff will grow long after the students have left your class.

 DUsher  EarthJeff You are so right. I remember a guidance counselor in middle school, Ms. Sampson, took an avid interest in me. She realized my family was going through a rough bit, and encouraged me to not allow my grades to slip. She reminded me that I was smart and had so much potential. She even took me to to an event at the cultural arts center to get out of the negativity of it all.

Years later, a special dedication was given to her in my thesis to show her just what she did for me. Because of her, I also hold accreditation to professionally psychologically assess AND a university major in math and analytics. There is no doubt she was the positive force at the right time to keep me going in the right direction.

 EarthJeff   Yes, it is nice to be complimented, but that doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to "make someone else's day" just because you gave someone a compliment.  I give compliments once in a while, simply because I truly like something about someone else, but whether or not that will make someone's day, I really don't know.  Some people don't like to be given that type of attention anyway, so it really all depends. Whenever I get a compliment,  I'll say thank you, but I don't tell every person about that moment, after the fact.  I guess I'm just a bit more modest and don't necessarily put a lot of weight on others opinions.

 introvertedwanderer  EarthJeff  Jeff the flip side is you just might make that  persons day. An elderly gentleman approached me in the library last week,  paid me a compliment, smiled and went on his way. it made me smile, made my day and I went about  my business.  People are all different creatures and one persons attitude towards giving and receiving  compliments may not be another persons attitude. it is one thing to dislike chocolate ice cream, it is quite another thing to try to discourage others from trying it because you don't like the taste or see no enjoyment in eating it and that is where the problem is caused when we buy into someone elses attitude about something. if we don't care to give or receive compliments then don't, if we enjoy to give and receive compliments then do it and  let no one convince us otherwise.

 ASwirlGirl " I especially enjoy complimenting little kids - the grins on their faces are priceless! "

Agreed.  the reaction from kids is very cool.

 Kiwiwriter "Follow-up the compliment with what they really mean, which is the kick in the teeth, a la the bucket scene from "Carrie." In other words, the compliment sets me up for the fall."

I call that "dipping your hand in chocolate before you smack them with it"

 Kiwiwriter sorry you have never been properly complimented, but from the way you write, I think you understood that it came from not so nice people using a positive thing and using it for their own manipulative means. However,  the positive power of a true compliment without agenda is a powerful tool that in the least, can make someone's day or forever change someone's life.

 Karla You made a good point here too Karla, when people with different cultures know that you are aware of their culture, they feel that you appreciate them. I had several encounters like that.

 Lejusdecoco There's plenty of opportunity for that here since I live near Washington, DC.  I love to cook meals from different cultures so anytime I can get some advice for making it more authentic, I'm there.  I have an Iranian friend, Hamid, who taught me how to make a Persian lamb stew that is out of this world.  He also taught me the intricacies of Persian rice.  My Vietnamese friend, Huan, taught me to make several North Vietnamese dishes not found on the restaurant menus.  I've gotten so good at making a particular soup, he says it's better than his mother's (!).

 Karla ''I love to cook meals from different cultures so anytime I can get some advice for making it more authentic, I'm there.''  me tooooo Karla

My circle of friends consists of people from various background,(NYC) I either ask them how to cook certain meals or youtube it.  oooo I love to cook.