If you haven’t yet discovered someecards.com, a website that never fails to come up with exactly the right snarky, sardonic musings for any and all occasions, you’re probably not wasting as much time on Facebook as I do. I enjoy their e-cards so much that I decided to try out their dating website, Howaboutwe.com where members post ideas for dates, thus encouraging matches to meet in person quickly instead of exchanging endless e-mails, phone calls or text. For example, “How about we . . . dip some things in chocolate at the Melting Pot?” (Sounds like a good date to me!) I met a guy on this site who seemed pretty cool until I told him my real age on our second date and I never heard from him again. I recently rejoined when I found a discount code for a month’s subscription, and I also began following the Dating Diaries of Nikki Metzgar on the howaboutwe.com blog called The Date Report. As much as dating success stories give me hope it’s also nice to hear from someone else struggling to climb out of the valley of eternal singledom.
Her diary reads like pages out of my own dating life, particularly her entry titled, The Problem with Saying “He’s Just Not That into You”
Nowadays, I try to spread the word as much as I can to men I’m starting things with: If you don’t like me or love me, spare me the trouble and don’t say that you do. You will end things much faster if you don’t tell me this while breaking up. But people say it anyway and I am left with the unpleasant job of trying to rescue myself from that impulse to make you stick around. I repeat to myself unconvincingly, “He’s just not that into you” and click my heels three times . . . It’s a catchy slogan, but it’s not as universally true as they say it is. A lot of the time, it could be “He’s just not into you enough to love you as much as he loves himself.”
I have a whole list of “he’s just not that into you” excuses from men who insisted, as much as they liked me, things simply weren’t going to work out:
- I can’t give you what you want/need right now
- I’m not good enough for you
- I’ll be relocating for a new job in a few months
- I don’t have time to invest in this relationship because of my job, family, living situation, dreams/aspirations, etc.
- I’m going back to my ex for the sake of our child
- Relationships don’t work for me
- I’m not emotionally mature enough to handle a committed relationship
- I don’t want to ruin or complicate our friendship
- I just got out of a relationship and I need to take some time off
I frequently meet men who despite admitting a significant attraction to me either don’t want to or absolutely cannot commit to a long-term relationship. It’s hard for me to understand “he’s just not that into you” when he behaved as if I was the greatest thing since sliced bread when we were together. Once or twice I’ve fallen for a player’s game, but more often than not I’m the one trying to persuade the man into having sex. I’m not joking. I think I’m pretty sexy, but most of the men I meet act like they’re afraid they might defile my honor or something. The IT guy wouldn’t even kiss me goodnight after more than a half a dozen meetings over six months and still he seemed a little surprised and disappointed when I didn’t want to see him anymore. Once a guy warn me of his lustful intentions so many times during a hot and heavy make out session, I thought I’d have to give him a permission slip from my panties before he would agree to take them off. Twice I’ve been pursued by religious men who were temporarily abstaining from sex out of morals or guilt. I know other women who have faced similar issues. A girlfriend of mine couldn’t even get her online beau to meet her for a drink while she was attending a conference in his town although they had been chatting frequently and planning her visit for weeks. Seriously, what kind of guy won’t even try to get lucky with the woman he’s been seeing or flirting with for months? I can only imagine what makes a man so DBR that he would rather pass up a chance for sex than face the awful realization that *gasp* he’s met someone he really likes and might actually want to spend more time with; or (even more unthinkable) all she really wants from you right now is sex! Oh, the horror!
Men usually get credit for being better at emotionally detaching themselves from sex, but according to Men’s Health magazine women are generally better at recovering from heartbreak and moving on. Do you know why? Because when our heart is broken, we react immediately. We’ll cry, eat some ice cream, and have endless discussions with our most tolerant and understanding of friends until we’re ready to put ourselves out there again. Men deal with breakups by living in denial of their pain and then, because he never really got over the breakup, subsequently bailing on every other woman who tries to get too close. Alright, alright, I know all men aren’t like this. I’m sure there is a gem of a guy out there somewhere looking for me, but the kind of men I meet are more often diamonds in the rough. Good, decent men who I’d love to spend my time with if only they would brush their shoulders off and get their shit together.
So I’ve got some more date suggestions for howaboutwe.com that might prove to be a little more useful:
How about we . . . be honest and up front about our current situation and what kind of relationship we are looking for?
How about we . . . not project all of our past relationship baggage onto someone we just met?
How about we . . . stop flirting, sexting, or dating me platonically because a real relationship is going to be too much of a commitment for you?
Got any more?
I cannot stress how relevant this post is to me RIGHT NOW. I met a guy online and we datted for about a month..things seemed great and he appeared to really like me, he seemed very keen on me even slightly more so than i was on him but as soon as i let myself become emotionally vulnerable he told me that he couldn't continue dating me because he still had past issues regarding his ex from 3 YEARS AGO! It came as an absolute shock and completely out of the blue. How do i get over "the relationship we never had"? I must admit i feel deceived and above all confused. Help?
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