“Swirling” Video Book Reading: Let’s Talk People Who Stare At Interracial Couples!

@Pearl I kinda feel the exact same way sometimes about being famous....I'm a black woman and my fiance is white and people always turn their heads or if a group of people are talking, everyone will get quiet and stare at us. And we get it from black guys and girls, not so much white guys but definately white girls. Old and young. We've been together for over 4years and neither one of us has been with someone of our own race so this is not the first irr for either of us. But in the past, I defiantely noticed the stares a lot more than I do now...Also, at first it seemed that we recieved a lot more negative stares and comments than we do now. A lot more positive now, I guess the times are changing. But at this point we both don't mind all the attention rather it be positive or negative. And at the end of the day, stares/comments from strangers doesn't affect our love for each other.

 Blackberry I can relate.  I'm not really in predominately black circles - mostly white.  If I was in a mostly black environment, I might find the stares more noticeable or intimidating. 

 Matrix12 yep his family is awesome to me otherwise i would have high-tailed it outta there asap.  But the situation you describe is one I saw all the time in college particularly among the medical students.  The guys would be here on student visas usually from affluent families from London, India, Pakistan.  Their families back home wouldn't know about their white or black girlfriends in New York and when the visa ran out they would go back and the relationship would be over.  

In fact a friend of mine once got a call from a guy's MOTHER in India telling her the relationship was over.   Despite all of this, another friend of mine, black, married an awesome Indian guy, they had two beautiful weddings one in NYC and one in India. 

 Brenda55 

LOL! Brenda, that is eacty what I do...act like I am a star when people stare and keep it movin'! 

 berrygirl@mommykikican.blogspot.com "Happy marriages and great families are the best P.R. we've got ladies!"

I absolutely agree! 

 shericeidawson That's just...wow. 

 Lili2009 That can also happen among people of the same race. Believe me. Are you saying that she ignores you because of your race?

 Matrix12 I agree it may not be racist, but it's sure as hell rude. The commenter has nothing to do with whatever issues this woman has, and it's curious she'd take those issues out on her, as opposed to the brother, if that's who she has the problem with.

I dunno, I wouldn't want someone in my home treating me invisible. I'd rather I be invisible on the other side of the country, as you'd not be welcome in my house. But that's just my humble opinion.

 Matrix12  ivanperonaamo I have actually observed her being very cold, curt, and distant with family friends (her family's friends.) Maybe it's just her personality and I need to relax. I guess I"m not used to people who don't know how to be around others. I guess this news that she's coming back to stay for a weekend gripped me with much anxiety. But, I do feel better. Maybe it IS just her.

 ivanperonaamo I don't know and although I've wondered.  My friends think she's just emotionally awkward and doesn't know how to be around people that aren't her immediate family. I don't know. Husband has also had many an awkward moment with her so maybe it is just her. 

 Lili2009 I am glad that you vented here.  Your sister-in-law is rude, disrespectful and her   behavior is uncalled for. She handling her disapproval of her brother marriage in a way that is comfortable for her while  letting you know just how she feels about you. She will also continue to behave this way as long as she is allowed to. 

I have a sister who treats my husband much the same way and has for the past 10 years of our marriage. She can only handle the situation by attempting to other and ignore my husband. That is her problem. I also have this situation with my husband adult son.  Again this is his problem. 

What to do. I am sure that you have spoken to your husband about this all. Keith and I have had several discussions about my sister's  and his son's attitudes towards each of us.  It gets down to what you want. Keeping peace in the family?  Enduring it since you have little contact with the person? Calling them out? It is complicated.

What we have done with my sister is to let her know that we am very happy in our marriage and that we come first with each other.  Any plans that my sister attempts to make with me that excludes Keith are turned down. I do not avoid bringing  up my husband in conversation with her and in her presence. I will not permit her to other and ignore him and neither does he.  I nail her for any snide comments that she attempts to make at his expense. I have let her know that her behavior will cost her my relationship with her so she keeps it together most of the time. We have also gotten support from the rest of the family so she know that she risk sanctions if she pushes it too far.  Will she change.  No.  I do not expect her to.  We have just found a way to muzzle her so that we are comfortable.

In his son's case I have chosen to give as well as I have received. I do not interfere with my husband relationship with is son I don't have to have one with him so I ignore him back. I do not accept invitations to his home, my husband goes alone I do not entertain him at ours nor do I speak to him on the phone. 

You have the right to be treated with respect in your own home and in front of your children.  You are in a very powerful position. You are his wife and since your sister-in laws behavior is bothering uncomfortable  you and your husband have to make a stand together.

Think through how you want to be treated in your own home then talk to your husband. You will never be friends with her and after all of this time I would not want to be however you do not have to tolerate her behavior. 

When she visits she can stay else where.  If you do not want to act as hostess you can meet at a restaurant, you can even opt out of contact with her and just send your husband along you are well within your rights. 

 Brenda55 Thanks, Brenda. I do feel surprisingly better after reading all the responses. My husband tries to blame himself saying he didn't do enough to get us all together to create a bond of some sort. But, there's such a think as common courtesy. She treats waitstaff better!  I don't like when husband blames himself for it. I think we'll talk about this again today.

 Lili2009 I think that is the right thing.  Tell me.  How old is your sister in law and is she older than you and your husband?

 Brenda55 We are the same exact age. We all in our early 40s. In a way, it's kind of funny because I've always been well-liked, if I do say so myself! So, it was shocking to me to meet a person who wanted exactly nothing to do with me on any level whatsoever. She stresses me out but I'll never say a negative word about her around my kids. Husband knows how I feel, but just like him, he's not sure how to help. I guess it's not his job to fix it (especially since it may not be fixable.)  

 Lili2009 If you don't mind.  More questions.

Is she single or married?

Kids of her own?

Close to your hubby?

Her problem may by like the one my sister has.  Jealousy and feeling displaced in her siblings life.  Again this is her problem she is making it yours by her behavior.

 Brenda55 I wondered that. She's doesn't have a family of her own and is single.  I remember when husband told her we were pregnant with our son, he said she didn't have much of a reaction. Maybe I should just pity her? I need some strategy because although she lives really far away, she's still comes around once in a while.

 Lili2009 My sister is also childless and single.  She was OK with Keith's and my relationship up until we announced our engagement. From that point on it has been down hill with her.  She was in one of those string along relationships, 25 years worth, with her man at the time Keith and I got together.

Things got ugly when Keith and I showed off the engagement ring. She started sporting rings that looked similar to mine.  She did not help with any of the wedding planning nor was she there at my parent house on my wedding day.  She met us at the meeting house and attended our formal reception in track shoes and a button down shirt over her gown.

Were we being sent a message or what?

All I am trying to tell you is that you should not  allow this disrespect in your home.  Your husband should not feel at fault. The problem is with your sister in law. She should not be rewarded with silence for her tacky behavior.

 I am not advocating a confrontation.  Keith and I never directly confronted my sister or his son.  That is drama we do not want or need and in the end it really does no good.  What we did  was limit the amout of their BS we will tolerate. We  limited contact and or set the terms of the relationship to suit us. 

For me I would not have this woman under my roof and I would not leave my home to avoid her.  Let her be the one put out when visiting.  It is not just about being a good host.  Guests should know have to behave in people's homes and being family does not give you cause to show your behind.

 Brenda55 

i couldnt've said it better myself. :-).....

the success or failure of a relationship depends on the parties involved.

 Lili2009 You book her a room in the nearest hotel/motel. You meet her at the door and greet her and tell her that if she is going to continue with this, then she cannot stay in your house. You stay calm, friendly but firm. That ish should not be distracting you from having a happy, healthy pregnancy. I wish you all courage.

 Lili2009 Is it necessary that she visit? If she's going to disrespect you in your own home, especially when you are in such a state (not needing any additional stressors), she doesn't need to be there.

Have you discussed this with your husband?

 Toni_M You are so right, Toni. I figure if she MUST be here, I'll take lots of walks and run lots of errands, and maybe make plans with friends. If she insists on staying, I'll take care of myself and remove myself from the situation as often as I can. This visit is so rare, I think I can do it.

 Lili2009 I am unclear why someone who doesn't pay your mortgage, MUST stay in your home. Why are you going to inconvenience yourself?

 Lili2009 Yeah, I've got to fourth the motion that it may not be about race but then again, maybe it is.  At this point, however, the issue is that the woman is disrespecting you in your own home.  Not in this lifetime for me.  My hubs and I have been married for 19 glorious years and for 19 of those years, we have not spoken to or interacted with his mother and father.  For them, it's a racial thing (the "n" word was bandied about as in "Son, why are you marrying that 'n'?") so I know, for a fact, that's one of the reasons but I also think his parents never thought any woman was good enough for their sons.  We have, just recently, been talking to my BIL and SIL, who came around because of their children, our nephew and niece.  They refused to be involved in the alienation and told their parents they had been in contact with us.  My BIL wrote me this heartfelt email saying how sorry he was for siding with his parents, how wonderful I was and what a "treasure" I was to Don.  My SIL told me that she has always been on the merde list with Don's mother so it's not just about race.  My husband has opted not to visit or speak with his parents and said they would never be welcome in our house.  I used to say that he should keep in contact with his parents through birthday cards, etc but he said if they can't accept his choice of a wife, he has nothing to say to them.  His choice and i respect it.  I guess my question to you is, what does your husband say about this?  Does he acknowledge her rudeness?  What do you two, as a united front, plan to do about it?

 Karla I almost wish her coldness were as obvious as racism. Maybe she's got an undiagnosed personality disorder?! Who knows?  When I search for explanations, my mind really thinks the worst. Husband feels bad about it but doesn't know what to do about it outside of creating more opportunities for all of us to spend time together (NOT an appealing idea for me!)

 Lili2009 yeah clearly from her behavior she has issues with you. I am surprised her brother doesnt say a word to her. If it were me, she would not be coming back.

 Lili2009 I'm not sure why you allow a rude person to stay in your home. 

@Lili2009 I feel really sad for you. But I'm not afraid to tell you that you should keep that woman out of your life. She's poison. And there's no ways he should have a second of contact with your son of she can't respect YOU. Next thing you know she'll be turning your so against you. Your husband shouldn't even be inviting her into your home. He can meet her for coffee somewhere.

 Lili2009 She sounds like a passive aggressive b*tch, with brother-love issues. Not sure I could welcome someone like that into my home.... Ah, the things we do for love. 

 Lili2009 

Maybe they just wish they were him?

 LuMaTsao 

+1.  Production values are improving all the time.