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A lot of great stories, thanks to everyone who shared. :D

Congrats to Shenikwa!

Eeeeeeeeekk!!!  I just saw this and I am so happy.  But what thrills me the most is all the awesome and wonderful stories I have read here!  Thank you so much!!  But we all won because we all have wonderful spouses and stories.  :-)

Tell me how is life as a White man with a black wife for you where you live. (Brenda55)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks for asking me that question. What is happening inside the family I call by means of only one expression "a day of May in my soul". We got knowledges about each other so precisely during our 31  years that we may predict or better to say feel each other's very small movements of the soul.

What does it mean here in Ukraine to have a black wife? It means every moment of life to be in the focus of everyone's view. It is very rare here to find interracial marriage. Most of them are of such components - foreign man and local (white of course!) woman. About alternate mixture... I just know about one couple: he is local guy, she is from Uganda. I was told about them of our friend from that African country. I saw them once in the subway and seems to me they really felt shy. I know it is very uncomfortable feelings to be like under the microscope of a lot of peoples.

I felt the same for many years. Every time I said to myself: she is my beloved woman. It was really hard for me to be in public places when I was young (of 19 years only when we met first time). Even today when we are out of our place, somewhere in the city, we attract too much attention.

I would say some men were really envious. One of them told me that in the subway even this year. White women have their own opinion. Once I have heard a kind of challenge in my presence: “Why he couldn't find a white girl for himself”. Poor ones! I can explain such kind of sentence because they lead a single and unhappy life.

Now about our life as black wife and white husband. Nothing extraordinary. It is very true that communication means a lot in the marriage. We never felt among us a difference as black and wife. I have to say the education of the former USSR cultivated respect of any nationality and race even it was pretty hypocritical. Have to say the book “Uncle Tom's cabin” of Harriet Beecher Stowe was an obligatory to read book in high school of my time.

I was prepared a lot to accept our differences of culture by free and abundant association with our foreign students from Asia, Africa and Latin America. That has expanded my horizon in knowledges of different cultures.

So, every woman is worthy to be loved and cherished by her husband. No any basis of cursing interracial relationships. I do proud to have such a wonderful wife I have. I like everything of her personality and her appearance. Even now when we have 30 years of communications we continue to discover wonderful qualities in each other. We still learning to display mercy and love to cover our mistakes. I enjoy my wife association a lot!

Sorry for muddled stile of writing, as I told English is not a native language for me.

This story is by leoncillo.

For some reason the first and third parts did not post so I am posting them for him so that you all get the full story.

leoncillo

Here I place our story (it's too long, so will devide it to three parts)

 Greetings to everyone from a distance of 9500 km away (6000 mls). I want to put here our story of 28 years of marriage and almost 31 years since our first date.

PREHISTORY

I will start since that time when former USSR accomplished a wide program of supporting it's satellites and potential allies by means of sewing "Soviet way of life". Every year tens of thousands of young persons were invited to study in different universities of USSR (about 900 Cubans each year). It was free for them, and it gave to Soviet authorities possibility to have an influence to potential specialists in countries of so-called Third World.  

I began to study in 1979 in Zaporozhie, big metallurgical center in the South of Ukraine, the city with 800,000 of inhabitants. There are 4 universities, in one of them I began to study specialty "Electrical apparatus". There were 2 Cubans in our group, in the whole course (3 groups of this specialty) there were few Cubans, some guys from Latin America, some Arabs, some Africans. It was pretty international family of students.  Official policy of the state was so-called Brotherly Internationalism, which was based on the principle of the equality of all people ( they stated about Marxists principles, of course).

So, students should be a part of a crowd, stew in common dixy. And step by step those foreigners should accept Soviet point of view. Just one group of students was not allowed even to speak with them - those ones, who studied at Electronics faculty.

That time whole Soviet electronics plants first of all were involved in military production, any other stuff like TV, receivers, recorders etc were just as aside production, they were forced to produce it. That's why USSR could produce very nice missiles and aircraft, submarines, tanks, AK-47, -74 etc, but domestic electronics usually was very poor.  So, as those students had to practice in military plants, they signed special obligation to stay off of potential "capitalists spies and agents of imperialistic secret services". Also they should inform security about any contact with foreigners or even attempt of it. Of course, they are friends, but some of them are our enemies... Very fair and sincerely policy.

  For us it was a real possibility to take a closer look at foreign youth. It was very interesting when you remember that Soviet Union was so nice and wonderful place to live in, that all it's borders were thoroughly locked up. What if in some mad brain would enter a stupid thought to compare the life in "cursed imperialists encirclement"? Some non-persistent individuals could betray the best way of life and try to escape from the socialist paradise. That's why KGB thoroughly supervised over most of contacts that time, except contacts with citizens of brotherly socialist countries (Soviet Union for that cases had another very powerful secret service - Special secretariat of Communist Party; more secret services - more concurrent and less possibility to miss some conspiracy). We enjoyed communications, for me specially was interesting to get knowledge about Latin America.  

Since my childhood I was interested in Spanish language, local customs and traditions, because I read a lot about that territory. My interest increased when in 1975 a lot of political refugees came from Chile and state provided them by apartments in neighborhood. Soon we, local boys, made friends among Chilean kids.  

CLOSE CONTACTS WITH OTHER RACES

That is pre-history. So, in 1979 I was prepared to meet me future wife, even I couldn't suspect it. Well, we began with a lot of parties with our group mates. I was armed with the most progressive ideas how to build new society, where man is free from any woes because of just government. Communist one, of course.  

That time one of my favorite days were in January, the time of holidays.  A lot of food and alcohol - was usual custom for us that time of long festivals. In January 1981, at one of numerous disco of that time I'd noticed one pleasant black Cuban girl. Her name was Barbara. Later I'd found she was a student of the same university, where I was studying.

Many times I met her at common students parties, so pretty soon I began to seek possibility to know her closer, although I was pretty shy. Specially her color - she is black, - was a barrier for me. . We never had blacks in Ukraine. The couples, where he is black and she is white, were pretty rare (men were students from Africa) and very unusual for our place. This kind of pairs always attracted a lot of attention of surrounding people. My case was something special, which was never seen before.  

WE BEGIN OUR DATINGS

Well, at summer of 1981 I spent two weeks in special sanatorium for students, which was located in the same building where was the hostel, where most of foregnn girls resided, Barbarita was in that number too. I spent time there with my friends, among them were some Cubans. Cuban girls visited their compatriots, and as was studying Spanish, I was invited every time. So, my secret sympathy became well known, we began to date with Barbara. I still  remeber that day - 16th of Jul 1981. 

That time some troubles immediately aroused. Supervisor of hostel was shocked - white Russian guy meets with foreign girl, also she is black!.. What disgrace! She had found my home phone number and called to my parents, informing about such a terrible situation.  I should say that one who never knew what does it mean to pass through Stalin's regime (just to be once in contact with foreigner could lead to 10 years of concentration camp in 1930's to 1950's) couldn't understand the feelings deep inside, even on genetic level, of every Soviet individual of senior generation. Just to have some relative in so-called capitalist country, who was soviet citizen and then "betrayed Socialist Motherland" meant for that poor Soviet to put big heavy cross over his career.  

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Last third part of our story

NEW ATTEMPT TO MEET MY HALF

Barbarita steadfastly survived the strike. Evil tongues whispered her that poor Cuban girl was deceived by wicked Soviet guy. Even her mother said her: "He begins to put "buts". Well, once again I had to do all arrangements again! It took again few month and a lot of nerves, fortunately I was sure about my political maturity from the point of view of Komsomol :)))).  

At last all my troubles were behind me (as I - naive one! - thought that time). My foreign passport was in my pocket, I purchased both-way ticket.. After 17 hours of flight from Moscow our aircraft landed in Havana Jose Marty airport. As my luggage was disembarked the last one, so my beloved girl once again had passed through a lot of unpleasant minutes - I was the last one who came out of terminal.   

WE FOUND ANOTHER STUMBLE BLOCKS 

From one side that was a happy two weeks only(according to duration of my vacations; KGB was so concerned about my educational progress!). But also pretty unpleasant situation was discovered.

Every Cuban citizen, who wants to marry with foreigner should obtain permission of Minister of justice. It takes 2 month. That meant it was not enough time for me. At last we found possibility for us to be united - Cuban laws permit to register marriage by proxy. That means entrusted person makes all arrangements and signs all necessary documents from my name.

So, we made application for Ministry of justice (or injustice?) and I entrusted my destiny to the husband of Barbarita's Aunt, well-known local magician.  I left Cuba at February, 17 of 1984. Permission was received at 17of April, so next day mentioned magician and Barbarita had registered our marriage. It was just another step.  

TO LIVE WITH YUOR SPOUSE U HAVE TO GET PERMISSION 

When I received telegram from my wife about our good news, I ran to OVIR. Another cold shower was offered to me - I have to prove that mentioned Cuban citizen really is my wife. Just after that I would have the right to give cause to that glorious department to meditate about possible paper work for invitation of my wife. So, I had to wait original of matrimonial certificate, then to find notary with knowledge of Spanish, then to begin once again to collect my references and prove my belonging to human beings, but not to the order of cloven-hoofed animal like camel. 

LAST TRIALS

After few month of testing of my political maturity (am I at worthy enough to live with my spouse?) at last I received fond invitation for my beloved wife to visit me. It was just another step to matrimonial paradise. I had sent this invitation to my wife. She found out that according Cuban laws that one who had invited any Cuban should buy ticket for him.

Well, that's OK. Problems had began when I supposed to pay for the ticket. According the laws of Soviet Union I had to pay in dollars, when I purchased ticket for foreigners. For those ones who never lived here it wouldn't seemed as a problem. Just go to the nearest bank, and that's it. No way! In USSR just those ones, who returned from abroad could bring currency, after arriving they had to changed it immediately in bank. It was illegal to have currency here, it was impossible to buy it or sale it. It was a heavy economic criminal, which could lead to a tour at public expense for Siberian places with duration from 8 years. Vicious circle!

For purchase ticket for Babi I had to have dollars, but in case of it purchasing I should be arrested. At the same moment in Cuba my wife tried to find out how was possible to solve situation. No luck!  At last my dad, who was at that time convinced communist, had wrote the letter to Central Committee of Communist party of the USSR, asking party leaders to help our family. After a month we had received reply from Ministry of civil aviation, where was written, that as exception to the rule it was permitted to me purchase one ticket for my spouse.

At last, after all troubles and trials my beloved Barbarita was able to land in international airport "Sheremetievo-2" near Moscow. This event took place at September, 21 of 1985. 

So many years have passed since those unfolded drama. Now we are happy and united family. We live in the North-East part of Ukraine and enjoy life with our three sons. 

It was very hard to get such a wonderful wife as I have now, but it was worthy. I love my black pearl and am sure: I would act the same way again if I would placed at that age again

Keep your beloved ones and protect each other. It is very rare for this wicked world to see absolutely normal thing: loving relationship between two human beigns of different colors. So, be  steadfast. 

While dating, please rememeber: it is more commitment should be applied as of the difference of cultures. But the reward is worthy!  Thanks for reading such a long message and sorry for mistakes in English (is not my native language)

Second part of our story

FAMILY ISSUES

My mom was so frightened! She still remember how she miraculously escaped from 1 year of concentration camp because of missed hour of work in military plant because of sleeping in 1950. That time it was enough to miss just 20 minutes according the law of 1940. Although in 1950's this law was canceled, the fear was deep inside under the skin of everyone. Nothing to say that "good news" about her boy were pretty bitter for her heart.  

She tried to talk with me, but I asked her: what is more important to her - my family happiness or my career? She couldn't answer nothing, but was fitting her hope that I will put the end to my relationship with Barbara. My dad never said me nothing about it, he just thought that our relationship are not serious, so we will separate, which will put the end to the problem.

At last one day my mom decided to take a closer look at Barbarita. Proper situation arose at mom's birthday - we were uncircumcised pagans that time! 

ANOTHER STUMBLE BLOCK 

But that was just the part of the problem. As we knew pretty soon, the leader of Cuban friendly association (the student, approved by Cuban consulate - read Cuban Security and Communist party organization) told Barbarita he supposed to "become her close friend", but someone has crossed his road. It was about me. Barbarita declined any solicitation from his part. So, he promised to remember it to her.  

Occasion appeared soon. In the beginning of 1982 Barbarita couldn't pass an exam of mathematics at the first attempt. She had possibility and decision to pass it again, but that leader from the Cuban community made an official statement she will not continue to study and will return to Cuba. This opinion was decisive. She should leave USSR in July of 1982, with the huge group of students, who depart to Cuba for a visit. That time we decided to marry and promised to each other to keep faithfulness.  

VERY SAD BUT VERY PRODUCTIVE PERIOD

That sad day had came in 6 of July of 1982. I left in the landing stage of Odessa (southern port in Ukraine), Barbarita was taken away by big cruise ship. It was a real hard time for both of us! Immediately we began to write to each other. That time the price of air-mail envelope in USSR was about 51 kopeks (~ 85 cents), so my students grant of 40 rubles (~65 $) permitted me to send every 3 days letter to Barbarita. She was doing the same, so every 3-4 days each of us found letter from beloved one.  

Right after arriving to Cuba Barbara began to arrange an invitation for me. That time all Soviets were locked in the country, so no one was able just go wherever he wanted. Should be found some reason such as an invitation from relatives, tour to brotherly socialist country or something like that. No terms was set for arranging passport for visiting for abroad. It could take few month, and after this term authorities might state that your request declined without any further explanation. Any initiative (like "Give me my passport - I want to go to Poland or Chekoslovakia") was impossible.  

In order to prove "that you are not a camel" you should offer a lot of documents, some references from work, place of study, Communist party local bureau (for members of it), Komsomol (young communist league). If you are not a member of mentioned political organization - that means you are immature one in political sense, how is possible to allow you to go in hostile environment? So, those ones who singed that references became like hostages. In case if heavy state criminal takes place ("failure to return from abroad or refuse to return" according Soviet laws), the skins of that persons should be taken off, because they were failed to perceive a deliberate criminal. With corresponding consequences for that persons.

Also KGB would investigate: was any collusion taking place (it costs from 8 years of imprisonment) or it was just criminal negligence (just 2 - 3 years).  Well, you can't imagine whole situation here. Just very week splendors took place in USA at time of "witch chasing" in 1950's of senator McCarthy commission. Tens of Americans were prosecuted because of some suspicions of their belonging to Communists. World is equal whenever you check it. Well, Barbarita had sent me mentioned invitation, and my adventures had began.  

ATTEMPTS TO GET PASSPORT

First of all I visited police station, where I found department OVIR (abbr. of Russian words "Department of visas and registrations"). There kind and pleasant lady in uniform of major of Soviet police gave me few documents to fill. Also I should bring her my references from: 1) university's administration, 2) university's Komsomol bureau, 3) student's syndicate. It took a lot of time and nerves, because the chief of local (cathedral) Komsomol bureau refused to sign my reference (refused to become a hostage).

He directly said me: "I do not know you well". Without his sign it was impossible to obtain a sign of president of university's Komsomol organization.  I asked about it in OVIR, so that pleasant major answered me: "It means they do distrust you, sorry, I can't do nothing". I was saved by means of my senior brother (10 years difference between us). When he had learned about my situation, he had remembered, that mentioned president was his well-known old friend and boon companion at students of his students age. The price of question for my brother was to split a bottle of cognac with him. 

 At last after few month of toils I was able to collect all necessary papers and give it to the major in OVIR. Approximately one month lately I received official reply to my application for the passport: "Refuse". The reason was very simple - I delayed to give my documents, so they are not able to make it at mentioned time (student summer vacations), so, I would miss my study... What a moving care about my education! I was almost killed. It meant to make another circle of trials with all documents for winter vacations.  

Here I place our story (it's too long, so will devide it to three parts)

 Greetings to everyone from a distance of 9500 km away (6000 mls). I want to put here our story of 28 years of marriage and almost 31 years since our first date.

PREHISTORY

I will start since that time when former USSR accomplished a wide program of supporting it's satellites and potential allies by means of sewing "Soviet way of life". Every year tens of thousands of young persons were invited to study in different universities of USSR (about 900 Cubans each year). It was free for them, and it gave to Soviet authorities possibility to have an influence to potential specialists in countries of so-called Third World.  

I began to study in 1979 in Zaporozhie, big metallurgical center in the South of Ukraine, the city with 800,000 of inhabitants. There are 4 universities, in one of them I began to study specialty "Electrical apparatus". There were 2 Cubans in our group, in the whole course (3 groups of this specialty) there were few Cubans, some guys from Latin America, some Arabs, some Africans. It was pretty international family of students.  Official policy of the state was so-called Brotherly Internationalism, which was based on the principle of the equality of all people ( they stated about Marxists principles, of course).

So, students should be a part of a crowd, stew in common dixy. And step by step those foreigners should accept Soviet point of view. Just one group of students was not allowed even to speak with them - those ones, who studied at Electronics faculty.

That time whole Soviet electronics plants first of all were involved in military production, any other stuff like TV, receivers, recorders etc were just as aside production, they were forced to produce it. That's why USSR could produce very nice missiles and aircraft, submarines, tanks, AK-47, -74 etc, but domestic electronics usually was very poor.  So, as those students had to practice in military plants, they signed special obligation to stay off of potential "capitalists spies and agents of imperialistic secret services". Also they should inform security about any contact with foreigners or even attempt of it. Of course, they are friends, but some of them are our enemies... Very fair and sincerely policy.

  For us it was a real possibility to take a closer look at foreign youth. It was very interesting when you remember that Soviet Union was so nice and wonderful place to live in, that all it's borders were thoroughly locked up. What if in some mad brain would enter a stupid thought to compare the life in "cursed imperialists encirclement"? Some non-persistent individuals could betray the best way of life and try to escape from the socialist paradise. That's why KGB thoroughly supervised over most of contacts that time, except contacts with citizens of brotherly socialist countries (Soviet Union for that cases had another very powerful secret service - Special secretariat of Communist Party; more secret services - more concurrent and less possibility to miss some conspiracy). We enjoyed communications, for me specially was interesting to get knowledge about Latin America.  

Since my childhood I was interested in Spanish language, local customs and traditions, because I read a lot about that territory. My interest increased when in 1975 a lot of political refugees came from Chile and state provided them by apartments in neighborhood. Soon we, local boys, made friends among Chilean kids.  

CLOSE CONTACTS WITH OTHER RACES

That is pre-history. So, in 1979 I was prepared to meet me future wife, even I couldn't suspect it. Well, we began with a lot of parties with our group mates. I was armed with the most progressive ideas how to build new society, where man is free from any woes because of just government. Communist one, of course.  

That time one of my favorite days were in January, the time of holidays.  A lot of food and alcohol - was usual custom for us that time of long festivals. In January 1981, at one of numerous disco of that time I'd noticed one pleasant black Cuban girl. Her name was Barbara. Later I'd found she was a student of the same university, where I was studying.

Many times I met her at common students parties, so pretty soon I began to seek possibility to know her closer, although I was pretty shy. Specially her color - she is black, - was a barrier for me. . We never had blacks in Ukraine. The couples, where he is black and she is white, were pretty rare (men were students from Africa) and very unusual for our place. This kind of pairs always attracted a lot of attention of surrounding people. My case was something special, which was never seen before.  

WE BEGIN OUR DATINGS

Well, at summer of 1981 I spent two weeks in special sanatorium for students, which was located in the same building where was the hostel, where most of foregnn girls resided, Barbarita was in that number too. I spent time there with my friends, among them were some Cubans. Cuban girls visited their compatriots, and as was studying Spanish, I was invited every time. So, my secret sympathy became well known, we began to date with Barbara. I still  remeber that day - 16th of Jul 1981. 

That time some troubles immediately aroused. Supervisor of hostel was shocked - white Russian guy meets with foreign girl, also she is black!.. What disgrace! She had found my home phone number and called to my parents, informing about such a terrible situation.  I should say that one who never knew what does it mean to pass through Stalin's regime (just to be once in contact with foreigner could lead to 10 years of concentration camp in 1930's to 1950's) couldn't understand the feelings deep inside, even on genetic level, of every Soviet individual of senior generation. Just to have some relative in so-called capitalist country, who was soviet citizen and then "betrayed Socialist Motherland" meant for that poor Soviet to put big heavy cross over his career.  

BRB. Ill be dry sobbing in the corner.

We need a discussion as to what these stories have in common! Sounds like the men just saw a cute woman they wanted to get to know better. We ladies read some signs (we may have misread some initial signs at first!) but we reached out when we got some obvious encouragement from the guys. It also seems like these guys were genuine in wanting to date, make plans, and get to know us better (and not just pump and dump--I know, gross!)  And really, we never know when a man is interested, do we? Asking for notes from a class got Nicoledenise83's guy all interested in her! The most innocent gesture, too! I love it.  As for my story, I did initially reject husband's attempt to buy me a drink but months later, I was friendly to him and 11 years later, we're married with kids! There are some cool lessons in our stories!

My husband and I met my sophomore year in college through a mutual friend (another white guy).  This mutual friend lived in the same residence hall as my close girlfriend.   In the evenings after classes, we would go to the dining hall together for dinner.  One day completely out of the blue, this guy says, “Mary Ellen, one of my friends thinks you’re cute!”    My husband was at the dining hall that night with a group of guys from his dorm.  So, my guy friend pointed him (my husband) out to me.  Tall, blonde with the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen!  As we were leaving the dining hall, I made sure to walk by my husband’s table.  We made eye contact and I gave him a little smile to the delight of the guys from his dorm.  A few days later, I spotted my husband at the student center.  I went over and introduced myself.  I made no mention of a date or hanging out.  I’m a bit old-fashioned and believe if a guy is truly interested, he’ll do the asking.  But, I did want to make my interest clear to him J  The next day, our paths crossed again at the dining hall.  As I was leaving with my friends, my husband called out to me.  He asked if I would be interested in going out sometime.  I said yes and gave him my number.  Since we were both poor college students at the time, our first date was to an Italian restaurant in walking distance to campus.  Unbeknownst to me, my husband was so nervous that night, he wrote down conversation topics on index cards and had them in his blazer pocket.  When he excused himself to the restroom, he actually went to check his cards and discovered we have covered all the topics within the first 30 minutes of the date LOL!  Later that night, we played pool at the Student Center and finished the date with a movie at the campus cinema (Liar, Liar with Jim Carey).  

After about a year of dating, we started discussing marriage.  I was pretty confident my family, at least my immediate family – my father, mother, brother and sisters – would be supportive.  I’m the baby of the family and had grown up seeing my older sisters date white men as well as black men.  My parents were always supportive of their choices.  My parents were more concerned about the quality of the man, than his color.  In my husband’s family, his mother was supportive but expressed concern for how we would be received as a couple by other people (we do live in the South after all).  My husband’s stepfather made it clear (through my husband’s mother) that he did not agree with IR relationships and marriage.  This led my husband to write a very emotional letter to his stepfather expressing disappointment.  And letting his stepfather know that if he was rejecting me and our relationship, then my husband did not want him to be a part of his life.  About the same time, my husband was also connecting with his estranged father (his parents divorced when my husband was a young child).  His father and my husband’s Polish grandparents were very happy to her that my husband had someone special in his life.  And it made no difference to them that I was black.  On Valentine’s Day 1999, my husband proposed to me over dinner.  I said yes (of course!) and by September 2000 we were married.

Two years into marriage, we were enjoying life and saving up for a down payment on a house when we got the biggest surprise of our lives.  I was expecting!  I still remember going out to Target late Friday night to buy the test.  Then coming back to our apartment and being so nervous I couldn’t pee for an hour LOL!  When I was finally able to go, the test confirmed we were having a baby.   That was the Friday before Mother’s Day.  So, we both called our mothers on Mother’s Day Sunday to let them know they would be grandmas!   Our daughter was born January 2003.  The most beautiful moment I’ve ever had in my life.   I was absolutely speechless the first time I saw her.  All I could do was cry tears of joy.   I still remember my husband saying, “Look at her honey, look at her!  She is so beautiful!”  Two years later, our family grew.  This time a boy, born January 2005, and named after my husband’s favorite Cleveland Browns football player.  And two years after that, another blessing!  Another boy, born January 2007 and this time named for one of my favorite country singers.  Our children are now 9, 7 and 5 years old.  We’re still open to more if God chooses to surprise us J  But, we feel extraordinarily blessed with three healthy children – and quite busy  LOL!

My husband is my rock and he’s the one person that accepts me unconditionally.  He didn’t think it was weird when he met me that I liked country music and had a General Lee replica car in my dorm room LOL!  Or when I went through my skater boarder phase and wore blue wigs and chain wallets.   He didn’t think my dark skin made me less attractive.  He’s just always loved me! 

I had always known I was more attracted to white men.  So, when I went off to college and was able to date for the first time, I decided to do just that – date white men J  Being open to the idea that I could find love with a man of anther race was the first step to successful swirling for me.   I never wondered if white men would find me attractive as a black woman.  I just got out there, put myself in diverse circles and it happened naturally.  I never lacked for dates during my single period!  I also made sure to surround myself with positive and supportive people.  This was before the time of IR websites and BWE blogs.  But I had a core group of friends (also BW that were swirling!) that didn’t bring doubt or negativity to what I was trying to accomplish.  And, I decided to do what I felt was in my own best interest and not what I felt was expected of me by the “black community”.  Dating and marriage are individual decisions.  Don’t let strangers who just happen to share the same skin tone as you dictate your individual life choices.   

Oh, and one more piece to our story -  I later found out from my husband that he had told this mutual guy friend of his attraction for me a whole YEAR before the guy actually told me!  Had I known at the time it had been so long, I probably would have thought my husband wasn’t interested any longer or seeing someone else.  But, it all worked out in the end!

During my second year of law school, I took a Health Law class. In this class each student was required to present an outline and lecture to the class during the semester. At one class, a student presented his lecture and when I left the class, I realized I had misplaced his outline. I happened to see him in the massive crowd of students heading to their next class so I stopped him and asked him for his outline. I thought absolutely nothing of this particular exchange. Fast forward a few months and I was doing a mediation session through a community program and was assigned to conduct the mediation with another law student. At the end of the mediation as we were walking to our vehicles, the student (who was very quiet) asked me how I was liking the Health Law class. I stared blankly at him. I had no idea who he was or how he knew what class I was taking. That's when he told me his name was Erik, the guy I got the outline from and that he sat three seats down from me in class. I felt like a complete idiot because I never recognized him(likely because I was completely enraptured in my own dysfunctional, chaotic world, but another story for another day). We talked on for a few more minutes and to my surprise, he asked me if I would be interested in going out sometime. I said sure and he told me he'd email me his number later.

We talked on the phone a few times and maybe a week or so later, we went on our first date to this local Italian restaurant. After dinner, we went back to my apartment and watched tv for awhile. At the end of the night he kissed me....and I felt nothing. I told myself right then that he and I would only be friends from that point forward. I should back up and say that I was feeling all kinds of ways about dating a white man. I had never dated a white man before, I had attended a historically black college in the South and everything in me was fighting the notion that I could or should settle down with a white man. A few days later, Erik and I had the conversation that led to me telling me I wasn't interested in dating him but that I would like to be friends. He took it in stride and for the next year, we were just that--friends. We hung out together, went to movies and I often vented about the complicated relationship I had with my ex and my even more dysfunctional family. He was always so sweet, kind, dependable and most of all--he took me as I was--no judgment. During our time as friends, Erik would do sweet things for me, whether it was tracking down decorations from my alma mater(it's really hard to find HBCU material in Illinois), helping me out when my car broke down, etc. he was always there. 

During the summer of 2009 Erik, myself and one of my roommates studied for the bar together almost every day for two months. It was during this time that I began to realize how special Erik was to me and more relevantly, how much I would miss him when he took a job three hours north of where I would be working. That summer we all took the bar, passed it(thankfully) and moved to separate corners of the state. But I could not seem to let go of Erik. He had positively become my best friend. So we continued visiting each other and eventually our friendship evolved into a dating relationship. We visited every weekend, he met my extended family, I met his, we took trips to African American museums, vacations in Georgia and South Carolina and he was THE support system for me when my mother and father separated and divorced.

Although Erik was, hands down, the best man I had ever known, I would be lying if I said I did not still have internal struggles regarding the interracial aspect of our relationship. While I understood how amazing he was to me and for me, it was hard to undo 27 years of what you believe is expected of you, socially and personally. But I also took my relationship with Erik very serious. I knew he was a gift to me. So, after much soul searching and seeking much counsel (and yes, even a break up), Erik took me to a Brian McKnight concert(my 2nd favorite artist in the world) and proposed in front of the entire audience.  Two weeks later, we got an unexpected surprise when we found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. Erik and I were married on June 12, 2011. On November 3, 2011, I gave birth to our now, 5 month old son, Emory. It was for me, a very unconventional path yet I am grateful for having been shown what it means to be in  a partnership with someone who truly loves me and has in turn, made me want to change myself to be just as good to him, as he is to me.

As far as our families, Erik's immediate family has never treated me with anything but respect and love. Although he has a few extended family members voice disapproval over his choice to date black women, that has never affected our relationship. My family has been great. Although my dad has not been a part of my life for two years now and sadly, chose not to attend our wedding(for reasons completely unrelated to our relationship), my mother and the rest of my family have been very welcoming to Erik. I couldn't ask for a better family nor a better partner.

This is the best idea ever!  I can't wait until I have a story of my own to tell!