Dating & Marrying Ethnic Men

Does Good Sex Matter…and If So How Much?

As the resident sex-pert and relationship voyeur I’m often asked questions about the birds, the bees and….sex among and between humans. I’m not saying that I’m some sorta Dr. Ruth, though I grew up during the era of her on the talk show circuit, all I can offer you IMHO, as most of my advice comes from a well lived past.

You’ll be happy to know that sex is good for your heart, your mind and your spirit, so they say. I was stoked to find that out since guys are, and have always been, so dam interesting, cute and seemingly all over the place.

I eagerly pursue men and happily participate in being pursued.

With all these flavors, types and sizes to try and to have, how could one refuse…?

To me… are like delictible morsels of goodness, just waiting to be plucked.

Blame it on hormonal makeup if you insist on having a reason why I love sex so much but I just do. Its just as important to my well being as is breathing and meditating.

A good sex partner is a blessing to have and to hold, I can attest to that.

However, not all men are created equal, so I’ve come to realize.

Nor is every woman enthusiastic about sex, or so I hear.

There are those guys that just draw me to them like a moth to a flame, and I look forward to getting to know them better at a later point in time, in the dark after we swap HIV results, and last names…maybe sooner. These things happen.

Sometimes you meet a person of the opposite sex and want to jump their bones on sight and even better than that are those instances where getting to actually know them better makes you want them even more.

I imagine myself a virgin (chile!), and head over heels in love with my hypothetical fiance (….he’s so  fine) eagerly awaiting the day when we can check into our Honeymoon suite as Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName and I can get my very first freak on.

One of the most disappointing things in life is that point in time when a man has done each and every thing proper and right, up until the point of him dropping his pants and joining me smack dab in the middle of the mattress for some natural body heat.

How would a woman feel to find out that her new groom (or new man, boo friend, whatever) is either unwilling or incapable of pleasing her in bed?

I’m curious to know if being a virgin help in this situation since she is expected to be sexually ignorant, therefore, any old smack and wiggle he offers her is presumed to be sufficient? It seems the women are expected to come to the marital bed with no prior knowledge of sex and sexual pleasure and for him to ‘lead’ her to this magical place.

What if his pony ride takes her to the mountaintop for an amazing view…? Chile..go you!!

What if he drops her at the garbage dump and tells her ‘every other woman liked his nifty recycling interests’ what’s wrong with her?

I’m not making a judgement for or against any person’s decision to have or not have sex, what I’m asking is how does sexual experience or ignorance play into those expectations of a partner’s performance in bed?

I mean, even when I was sexually immature I still had an opinion about what I did and did not like doing when it came to sexual interactions.

I had a list of sex acts I complied from research conducted using words I found in porn magazines, porn movies and in the human sexuality section of the local library…this was in the pre-Google days.

WHAT!? I liked to be well informed……I’m a curious Capricorn, sue me.

In time, and with more sex partners came the realization that I did not dislike certain things, rather the problem was that I didn’t like the person’s technique of said certain things. I learned that some guys had magic fingers, their touch just melts me in a way that I can only explain as hot liquid, or the opening scene in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

I found there are those men whose hands are rough, grabbing and awkward, as if they have never in their lives handled a gentle object. Their sense of touch is all things mechanical (not mechanics, men with dexterity are AWESOME!! I’m telling you!) and clumsy and the touching interaction resembles an eager toddler attempting to snatch up an unwilling house cat.

I love to kiss, and I love kissing those with full lips, however a man that’s too eager will nearly suck my entire face off. I’ve kissed men that were such poor kissers they nearly suffocated me because they were covering my nose and my mouth with their lip/sucking/slob combination. Though his lips came perfectly in handy for use with other body parts, something about the either/or-ness of his sexual skill menu made me want to eat elsewhere.

There are those men who jump from the bed just as soon as their done having sex with a woman. How wack is that to toss the sheets back to leave my damp butt cheeks exposed to cool air as I watch him scurry to the showers?

He’s skeeved out by our body fluids, sweat and my after glow, maybe. Who knows….but its weird to me.

This type of person feels ‘dirty’ after sex, for whatever reason…. its just not sexy and kills my whole vibe. I don’t come back for seconds.

There are those that aren’t interested in sex much. He and I, apparently, have NOTHING in common!

Those who aren’t interested in oral sex, anal sex or any other adjective in front of the word sex. Yawn………..I’ll pass, thanks.

There are those that want as much sex as they can get and those who believe sex is about the man getting pleased and the woman bearing children only. They scoff at a woman’s insistence that she be pleased in bed; he’ll whore shame her subtly to make her accept his remedial efforts.

There are selfish lovers who rush to the finish line as if they’re going to receive a metal once they collapse in a heap, physically spent after giving it all he’s got. Maybe pom-poms and a cheerleader outfit to liven things up…? Don’t forget to hurry up and do what you gotta do before he does what he just did when things were just getting good to you.

There are insecure lovers who are so busy worrying about how they compare to other men that they can’t help but to become distracted and disappointing. Remind me to tell you about the homo-erotic ones that are fixated on their perceived inferiority to the imaginary man in their head.

Self fulfilling prophecy….those guys. It’s kinda never really about you and he.

Some men can give you the best 45 seconds of sex you ever had in your life before suddenly falling victim to the ‘excitement’ (the typical excuse) of the moment.

You find that falsl victim each and every time he’s with you, he’s excited, after all. Aren’t you excited that he’s so excited? Hold tight to the feeling, won’t be much else available if you choose to marry this type of man.

During times like these batteries become a must have, and then he gets mad and feels insecure, but that’s another conversation entirely.

My bad.

There are many variations of kisses, rubs, hugs and caresses to have out here and some of those more boring ones belong to the nicest guys.

Such a pity, because I can’t deal with that, maybe you can though. They say there’s somebody for everybody, right!?

So I said all that to say………….Does good sex matter and if so how much…? Yeah, each person defines ‘what good sex is’ blah, blah, blah’, but once you decide WHAT GOOD SEX IS, does it then become the deal breaker or do you just settle for a lukewarm, or nonexistent sex life for the sake of the relationship?

Have you tried to settle for less than stellar sex from a partner? How did that work out for you, I”m curious…you poor thing.

This  isn’t just a question for the ladies, as I am well aware that there are women out there who leave their beds as cold as a well digger’s ass in December.

Let’s talk about it, ladies….fellas.

How important is sex………..? And when does it become the deal breaker….?

Do tell.


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