It’s very rare that I get questions that stir my emotions, frustrate me, and make me deeply sad. I just received such a letter from a very young woman, and while I’m not sure if this entry will make a difference in her situation, I hope that perhaps others will take this as a cautionary tale. Here goes…
I really love watching your vlogs, and having watched your latest one “Black women, multiple children, and interracial dating” it really struck a chord with me as I am going through a very similar situation.
I am 21 years old, and currently pregnant expecting twins. The situation at which I came to be pregnant was from a mistaken one-night stand. At that same-time, I was dating a white guy who I deeply was falling for. He was 10+ older than myself, and showed me the way a real man is supposed to treat a woman. Although we dated for a short while, that time I seriously fell for him, and we made so many plans for our future together prior to him even asking me out.
Sadly, this one night stand and me falling pregnant meant I had to let him know and suggest we stay just friends as I needed time to adjust to the major change in my life, and we have stayed friends since then, he still talks to me occasionally, and I feel like I’m in love with him. He was to be the first white guy I ever dated, our relationship felt special because we had so much in common, and so many things not so. I don’t know whether it’s best if I try and let him go completely by not talking to him or see if he want’s to start over, knowing I will now have 2 kids. I don’t want him to take responsibility for my babies but I don’t think I will ever find someone like him, I don’t want to lose him and I want our relationship back.
I am so ready to focus on my babies, but having him around and feeling that love from a man will make my life so complete.
Should I tell him how I feel or just let him go? because I don’t think this friendship can work without me feeling hurt about the whole situation.
Thank you sooo much for your help.
Tried to keep this as short as possible.
Anon xxx Writer, first I have to say that I’m sad that as a U.K. resident, you didn’t take advantage of all the free birth control available to you. Although I understand somewhat. Black people (at least in the U.S.) often frown upon women who proactively use birth control, believe it or not. It’s somehow more “acceptable” to “accidentally” get pregnant while trying to be “pure.” Remember Will.i.am said that he’d get up and leave a girl’s house if she had condoms because he thinks that’s tacky? With this backwards and truly deadly logic, it’s somehow whorish to be prepared. Secondly, I’m probably as relieved as you are that you night of unprotected sex didn’t result in you contracting a chronic or incurable disease, like HIV. But I weep for you, writer. You are 21 and pregnant not with a singleton, but with twins. That means twice as many resources–emotional and financial–that will go towards raising your children without a father, because you already told me that he is uninterested in raising and co-parenting these kids. I’m also sorry that this is going to be a second generation in your family of children who have grown up without a father, since you also told me that your mother raised five children by herself.
But I ask you, at what cost to her children?
I look at you, involved with two men and so hungry for male affection of older (perhaps father-like figures) that you’re willing to risk your very life and future to lay down with someone you just met. And now that guy who you kinda, sorta liked, who is now a “friend” has suddenly become a beacon in the fog for you, to sweep you up and make all this okay. And I’m sorry hon, that’s not his job. You have to prepare for the very real possibility that this man will say that being involved with a woman pregnant with twins from a one night stand is just too messy for him. Men with options will use them.
I’m going to be honest, reader. There are over 25 forms of birth control and you didn’t use not a one. But there were other options that were unpalatable to you, such as adoption. Your response to the suggestion…
Adoption isn’t even an option for me. I have too much family members that are excited about my pregnancy. My mum is going to be a grandma for the first time and I could not go through the idea of letting them go, I love my babies too much.I do believe I can provide my children with a decent life and things will get better the older they get. My mum raised 5 kids as a single parent, I’m sure I can do the same. Living in the UK there is so much support for single mothers, that adoption is see more for mothers that are incapable of even looking after themselves let alone a baby.I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. Whether this is possible or not I wanted to try. I feel I deserve to be in love regardless of the mistakes I’ve made in the past.That is where my dilemma is because I do not know whether he will feel comfortable having a relationship with me knowing I have the responsibility of 2 children. That’s why I’m worried about expressing my true feelings to him as he may just want to stay friends which I do not think I can handle.