Question of the Week

QOTW: “How Can I Help My Mother Get Over Her Heartbreak Over Black Men?”

Got this note from a 24 year old concerned daughter…

Hi Christelyn,

I am currently in Las Vegas with my mom and last night while we were watching a tv show, there was an IR relationship featuring a black man and white women who were expecting a baby ( they were teenagers really, its a show like “16 and Pregnant” ?). My mom observed that the black guy was taking better care of his white girlfriend (in a teenagery way) than she sees black guys take care of black women.

We didn’t watch the whole show, but she started telling me about how she feels about BM/WW. relationships BECAUSE I asked her. I wanted to know her opinion. This is when I realized how hurt she still is over those relationships and she has a right to be. She told me about one of her white female co-workers who is married to a black man and that they have a successful marriage (it seems) because the black man is BUILDING for her by dojng well in stocks and havjng money and security set up for her and their family. It seems like the white lady bragged about it from what my motber told me because my mom said she just asked her about stocks (because she is a player in stocks) and the white lady went on to brag about how her husband has everything taken care of and more.

But my mom started telling me how black guys doing more for non black women hurts her still. After I listened I jumped in to give my opinion about how I literally don’t care if black men date or marry out because I have always had options anyway (we both know my future husband will most likely be White or non black and she actually supports that FOR ME .)

But when I jumped in to give my opinion, I don’t realize that it my sudden action was offensive to her ( me talking about how I don’t care). She stated that she was offended and “you asked me my opinion”. So I apologized and continued to listen. Long story short, i am realizing fully (because she brought these feelings up before) how hurt she still is that BM really don’t care or build for BW and their community.

My mom and I are very close and she has NEVER had anyone else besides me have her back like that accepts for a few friends, especially not my dad who I will admit was scum ( he passed on in late 2015). Her parents never taught her to look for the best man out there for her and she ended up in a bad marriage to a guy who never cared for her. She doesn’t want that for me so she supports and encouraged me to date and marry out due to the chances of me being better treated will be higher…..but BM still hurt her.

She wants to get married again still. I told her that I can easily see her with a Jewish man because she partly grew up around them and one other BFF’s is Jewish or abLayini man since she moved to California because she is fully Jamaican American and they would have common cultural factors. She is open to IR dating or marriage but it is still difficult because she is used to seeimg herself with Black men only. I don’t get too judgy on that feeling of hers because she was born in 1958 where she would tell me that nkbody even thought knce about bejng with non black men when she grew up. “Either you go to the prom with a Black man or you didn’t go at all” she once said about her growing up. Lol. So she grew up differently than you me and KSC.

And she will be 60 years old next year and for her birthday I am surprising her by taking her on a 9 day trip to Europe (Paris, England and Ireland). I really hope that trip will help her come out of her shell and help her realize she is deserving of better. And i know she will love the trip because sbe has been saying she wants to go somewhere far off on a train and stuff. Lol.

I am writing you this just because even though I am focusing on myself and my future (and dating life) it still hurts me to see my mom this way because I know she has been hurt all her life and hasn’t had much support. Many BW havent and that hurts her more. I am actually very angry about this. That’s why I am writing to you about how I should take this situation? My mom made it clear she wants me to marry well and have a successful career and life because she raised me on the way that she wasn’t raised, and raised me to explore all these different opportunities and to be open minded.

But what about women like her who want better for themselves but to me still seem to struggle with what the BM has done or really isn’t doing?

Here’s my take…

The truth is, Black women have been sold a bill of goods. Up until very recent history, it was literally engrained into little black girls heads from birth that the only natural partner for her is a black man.  But we all know that, with black men inter marrying at twice the rate Black women are, they haven’t seemed to have gotten the memo. There’s a certain level of betrayal older black women feel about all this.

While many of them celebrate their daughters entertaining all of their choices in dating out, I’m sure some part of them feels like they were robbed of the same opportunity. There is disillusionment. There’s anger. And then there’s a fear that they will never be able to shed their feelings and indoctrination, and so there’s helplessness too.

The best way to help your mom is by showing her that it’s not too late. In fact, online dating is an excellent way to meet older people of various races who are open to dating. She would be a prime candidate for! You can make it fun. On your trip to Europe, have her take cool pictures of herself made up looking happy and enjoying herself for future profile pictures. Talk her up about it. Get her comfortable with the possibility. Once she sees that it’s not too late her attitude, will become more hopeful.

Good luck, and you’re good daughter.

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.