I received a desperate note from a fan on our Facebook fan page, on the heels of the embarrassing Black Love interview with a woman who proclaimed alliance to black people and discouraged other people away from interracial relationships. Here’s what it said:
Hello I just wanted to messege you and ask your thoughts about a couple of things. Growing up in watonga oklahoma a very diverse town I always found myself crazy about white guys I mean physically just crazy about them I got older dated mainly white guys the white chocolate kind just the way I liked them. I eneded up marry one from southern Missouri completely opposite. I was constantly sourround by white people so much so I started to think like them and everything but the whole time I hated seeing black guys with white girls omg it drove me nuts I hated white girls and I hated the black men we dated them only because I myself felt abandoned by the black men so I hardened my self toward them even toward the ones who really liked me. So here I am today wanting to stand by my black men because the times we live in today. More then anytime before did the black men need the black women they need us now. And I just don’t think its a good idea to completely stop loving the black men. I’m not even sure if this makes any sense at all I just know what I feel in my heart and I know that black guys need us black women more than ever now. We are stronger together then apart.
My reply: I’m not sure why you feel like your romantic/sexual preferences have anything to do with having empathy for black men. Emotional and practical support isn’t enough? They have to have your body and heart too?I hear ya. I think its just so much going on in the world even today I feel like I’ve been going off on people because they got the nerves to tell black people we are unamerican for real. I talk to my husband he stands by me and agree and feels like I do but I let him know that I don’t want him to choose because of me we talk about all this but it is hard. Every white person who says blacks are unAmerican because of this kneeling stuff being disrespectful to the military men and women of this country I always say go ask a black veteran how they feel about it. And I get it doesn’t matter, they choose to be oblivious to the truth
Here’s what I was thinking:
Wait a minute. You talk to your husband, the man you have children with, ALL the time about this? Are there no household issues to discuss? No conversations about the children’s schooling and future? No couples dates? You talk about racism…ALL THE TIME?!
God…aren’t you sick of it yet? You’ve been asked for half a century to put your own needs aside for the good of “the community” that it doesn’t even OCCUR to you that you have a one-sided obsession?!
In both cases, the black woman you’re dating has too many deep seeded issues about race and inferiority, while still feeling the need to be a sacrifice for the black community. Black girls and women are being raped, abused, maligned, and killed every single day and what are we talking about 24 hours, seven days a week? Outrage that our Cheeto of a president called for a mixed race man making millions of dollars a “son of a bitch.”
The media also has its role, because they feed into the outrage and obsession because race is a hot button. CNN is on a constant loop of football players and sport commentators talking about knees and Afros ad infinitum while the people of Puerto Rico face the zombie apocalypse. (Many Puerto Ricans are Afro-Latinos, but…I guess that’s just whatever…right? Let’s get back to the NFL!) Make no mistake–this issue of race discussion in the media and in the black community is only meaningful when you are black and male. How long did it take for everyone to move on from the poor young black girl who was found dead in the freezer?
I thought so.
Unfortunately, black women like the woman who wrote me have also bought into the idea that black girls and women are less important and less worth saving than black men, and lonely are the few that actually acknowledge this.
I want to shift for a second and talk to the black women reading this. If you’re so outraged by what I’m saying in this post, know that when I’m telling non-black men to not date these types of women, know that I’m talking about YOU. If you are so invested in sacrificing your entire being for the causes of black men don’t punish someone with your issues. Stay in your lane. Find a black man and be happy. There are black women out here who actually are open to dating interracially, and don’t have to be dragged kicking and screaming. If you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, move aside.
This is a good time to mention that I’ll be covering this issue is great detail in an upcoming PRIVATE series for non-black men interested in dating black women, and the types to avoid. This event won’t be public, so if you’re interested, sign up for the mailing list here.
Black ladies, while you’re confused about leaving your loving husbands to once again join a march and hate Whitey, women like me will be working with their significant others doing meaningful things that really make a difference like sending money to hurricane victims, starting organizations for the benefit of black girls and women, and understanding that allies can come in all races, cultures and creeds.
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