If you’re the type of woman who feels your man is gonna stumble into you, like there aren’t millions of attractive women on planet earth, then keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. In fact keep dealing with Pookie & Leroy, because you know some day he’s gonna put a ring on it. If you think in that way this piece is NOT for you, keep waiting honey. But if you’re the type of BW who sees the world as her oyster and even if you don’t yet see this but you are willing to adjust some of the stinking thinking that many BW have been reared with, then these suggestions and ideas are for you and yes quiet a number of them I have done. I don’t believe in hoping and praying- I believe in doing. If I fail, I fail but at least I know I gave it my best.
First, shed the politics and the attitude if you decide to go into any of the spaces to ‘capture’ a mate, he won’t be interested and you’ll lose before you even begin, don’t go to these places with a chip on your shoulder about the sins of the past, it will not be welcomed and you’re not there for that. In fact if it’s about that, you’re not ready to date ANY non-black man, not just white men. So stay with the brothas, they’ll love having you. Now let’s get down to business.
Learn to fish ladies, you have to cast your net far and wide- the pond most BW ‘fish’ in is not a pond at all but a limited dirty cesspool and it gets more polluted by the minute.
Item number one, YOUR appearance, this is in no way intended to insult- first practice smiling and not looking like you have constipation. Forget the sweats, the five inch finger nails with the neon nail polish, the weave down to your tail, the skin tight anything. The men who go to these spaces (while sure they’ll look at THAT chick) they won’t marry that chick, get it? Got it!
Before you complain about what participating in any of these activities is going to cost- if your budget’s tight, decide what’s important and what you can forgo. I bet you don’t stop yourself from your next unnecessary indulgence, like shoes or handbags. Membership has a price albeit a small one but it will cost a little for some of these activities and events—you’re upping exposure and increasing the likelihood of finding a suitable mate, moreover you can make a couple of great male or female friends( those friendships can lead to your guy)
There should be at least three to five, yes, five separate and distinct activities that YOU Ms. Young, Attractive, Ready for A Serious Relationship can go to up the ante where men, mostly single will go to do many of these things. Traditionally these are activities, sports, events and spaces where BM are the EXTREME minority.
Before really going out there do your best to put the BEST you out there.
· Seek a therapist to get to the core issues of why your insecurities show up
· Pay attention to who you are around when you feel insecure about your femininity, complexion or anything that makes you feel ‘less than’
· Ask what are you gaining from the negative self-talk- rarely will a human being do anything without there being some benefit to them (positive or negative)
· If the negative feedback is coming from men and particularly BM, ask why you open yourself ONLY to these types of BM
· Expand your activities to include people who are not of the same culture, race or creed – go to museums (that can be hit or miss) but expand your knowledge it helps for conversation
· Please steer clear of anything with the word BAR in it unless it a bar mitzvah, I shouldn’t have to say steer clear of anything with the word ‘hip-hop’ in it. (Love to dance like I do?) Then look for dance clubs that offer salsa, merengue, ball room, etc.
· Seriously consider: parasailing, rock climbing, skiing ( you can hang at the lodge , if you’re too scared to hit the slopes, take up glass blowing, ( trust me this is still a man’s space) not many female ‘glass blowers’.
· Other activities- all men like some types of sport here’s one where you rarely see a black face or black male- hockey- Wayne Gretzky anyone ?!
· Have you considered any of the following sports and activities and who typically engages in them?
· Archery, fencing, chess, classic car restoration (those guys can make tons of $$$) marksmanship, hunting, martial arts, photography, culinary arts (most famous chefs are still men) flying, magic, paintball, motor cycles? You can join a club, Beer brewing? (join a club) What about racing cars? NASCAR fans and there are again clubs
· Adventure racing contact the United States Racing Association for more info
Notice something about the men who go to these spaces and engage in these activities? Right! They like to DO stuff.
By no means is this list perfect or complete, I can’t guarantee you a husband or long term relationship but what I will guarantee is you will have tons of fun, meet new people, your horizons expanded and your view about many things will be changed. Just the process alone may be enough to bring your Prince Charming to you but you’ll never know if you don’t try!
With Love From Trini!