Baby…..Momma…..July 18, 1990

 

I screamed!
I pushed!
I screamed and
you pushed!
Changed my life forever
In such a clever way.
Absolutely
Without you there would have been no me
Certainly
God knew I needed an angel
thats how you came to be.
Confession:
Im ur Mom and I been confused about what to do with you since day one.
Only a kid myself, this girl wanted to “just have fun”
Went to the clinic hoping to clear my mind
the weekend was coming, you know enjoy my time.
Congratulations….Your going to be a Mom!
They told me I was expecting.
But instead of rejecting the idea of being saddle with a kid.
I decided to do what I did.
Packed my shit.
Alerted my friends.
My time living in the foster house might be about to end.
I had no where to go but figga’d I figga out something.
Thats where the game of ‘survival’ began.
I wasn’t going to the clinic to get an abortion.
Wouldn’t listen to my mother’s bullshit views
Mental distortion.
Children were trouble and useless.
Besides you ain’t got no husband.
Your still a Miss.
I can’t show my face at church no mo.
Your such a ho.
You stoopid bitch.
Always chasing dick.
Like your mother, you got that incessant itch.
Fuck Um
You were mine.
and this was the first time.
I had anyone related to me.
A family.
A blood bond for real.
You were the first time I began to feel
Love.
She cursed and called me names.
It didn’t really phase me.
She basically went thru the same
lines, threats, and spirit breaking speech.
She got on her soap box and commenced to preach.
I held my ground and when she told me to get out.
I knew it was coming without a doubt.
I already had my bags packed.
Sitting by the door.
My shit was stacked.
She let me stay and pretended to care.
In reality she was banking on another check from welfare.
My friend convinced me to tell your father.
Didn’t think he cared.
So why bother?
I stood on his steps and told him about you.
The first thing he asked was “what was I gonna do?”
I said ‘Im having the baby but we can just be friends’
He told ‘get the fuck from in front of his door. Don’t ever come back again!’
So I didn’t.
Months later he came after me.
Curious if I was still carrying his baby.
He lived around the corner and would walk right past me.
Wouldn’t turn his head. Pretending he didn’t see.
Me
Or us.
I didn’t make a fuss.
I was used to no one caring.
No family. No support. No one sharing.
Or even talking to me.
Days on end
I would spend time in my room.
I had to figga out something
SOON!
So instead I talked to you in my belly.
I would sing to you and tell you my plans.
I was gonna take care of us.
I didn’t need no man.
No one would treat you the way they treated me.
We were gonna beat them.
You and me.
Just the two of us.
I didn’t really even understand what I was taking on.
I just promised myself I would be a strong Mom and love you.
And do the best I could to take care of you.
And me.
Cause Im taking care of you
and without me
what would become of you?
Though at 16 I was still a baby.
But I was turning into a Momma.
I took us to school ever day.
Stopped hanging out, fighting and drinking.
Spent the summer sitting on my porch
staring at the sky thinking.
I needed to try to figure how to get paid.
Wasn’t trying to make a living out of collecting State aid.
No Chinese food but I loved Barshay burgers and fried chicken skins.
That was my craving. My only sin.
I would stand in front of the mirror.
Watching my breasts fill out
and stomach get bigger.
Then you started to kick and fuss.
I even remember that day I was on the Bergen bus.
Your Dad was on it with me.
Him and one of his hos.
Tried to act like he didn’t know me.
100 degree heat.
Me, 9 months pregnant with you
struggling on my feet.
He was sitting down but didn’t give up his seat.
Fuck Um.
Had to be careful after awhile.
I had girls trying to hurt my child.
Attempting to jump me
And kick you out of my womb.
They were looking for a fight.
Till I flipped out my box cutting.
And said ‘we can all go to the ER tonight’.
I’d be dammed if I let anything hurt you.
They didn’t test me.
Not sure of what I would do.
Especially over
This dude.
Who has given you $3 in your life.
Good for nothing, sorry and trifling.
His mother wasn’t much better.
Calling when the holidays came around.
I called her first on that Christmas morning
when I learned they had moved out of town.
Still haven’t found them.
Fuck Um
I screamed.
I pushed.
I screamed.
And then you were here.
I saw you over there.
They handed you to me.
In your eyes I stared.
You look’d back at me with eyes shaped like mine.
You didn’t know it then but that was the first time
I ever laid eyes on a person related to me.
My baby girl.
Black soft curls.
My curse and my blessing.
You gave me the will to live.
A few gray hairs from all the stressing.
I was only a baby back then.
Choosing to be a Momma.
Welcoming the struggle
Unaware of the drama.
Without you there would be no me.
The best addition to our two person family.
Just like that day when we were walking down the street.
We had no where to go and nothing to eat.
Walking and walking angry as hell because where was I going?
Usually tried to keep up a front.
I didn’t want you knowing.
No where to go.
Passing by McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC
you always asked to go in and I always had to tell you ‘No’.
But on this day
you took my hand and sang.
‘Just the two of us.
We can make it if we try.
Just the two of us.
U and I. ‘
Your swung my hand trying to cheer me up.
My child.
My blessing.
I couldn’t give up.
So many times when the lines of Baby and Momma has been blurred.
You would renew my energy.
My fight would get stirred.
You would hug me when I needed it.
Tried to take care of me when I was ill.
You were the reason I didn’t take that bottle of pills.
You would be the one to find me dead.
I knew I would fuk up ur head.
I held on cuz I couldn’t let you go.
I refused to leave you on Earth alone.
You had to know.
Momma loves you but sometimes I feel trapped. Momma loves you even when I snapped.
Always felt like the but of the biggest joke
Wondering why I was treated different then other folk.
But then
what would become of you?
On your own just like me.
There was no way in hell I would subject you to that misery.
So each day I show up to be your Mom.
To show you love and teach you to be strong.
Im not perfect but I wanted you to see.
How much I love you for saving me.

Happy 22nd birthday to my daughter, Alex….#thekid baby girl Jones. I love you much.

The Man Myth