Have you ever been in the company of a person that made you feel instantly at ease? The way you interact with them is almost like you are familiar with each other, even if you’ve never met, yet you leave the interaction with a feeling of genuine happiness and an upbeat attitude. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but its a pleasantness that certain people give off about themselves.

Have you ever wondered what that was? And better yet, how can you become that person?

What is this thing you call Charm? 

 Charm is described as an “enduring patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and oneself that are exhibited in a wide range of social and personal contexts.”

Now, knowing a definition doesn’t convey all that goes into what it is that we are all trying to accomplish. But the fact that charm requires certain ‘enduring patterns’ we learn that charm is a habit that one develops over time. As with any habit, good or bad, charm must be practiced in order for it to work. The first step to becoming charming is to do something that I personally encourage everyone I meet to do for their own safety, health, and sanity.

Be You

Who the Hell else are you trying to be? Any why? I ask this question when I meet people who are behaving a certain way but for some reason it doesn’t seem genuine. Being capable of going through the motions is not the same as committing to something with your entire being.

When I’m not in the mood to cook, but must, I throw things in a pot and it may or may not come out right edible. Otherwise, I’m an amazing cook, who will force you to eat something once you walk into my front door. When the food is warm and gray sitting on the plate, people know that I wasn’t really into it.

Same difference here. If you want to be thought of personable and real, the first thing you can do is present you, the person, in your realistic form. No shape shifting allowed.

Some folks think displaying habits, and outward appearances is enough to satisfy the job of interacting with people. What they fail to realize is that their true intentions are clearly visible through nuances. Small subconscious cues work against you when you aren’t being yourself, and it isn’t so complicated to pick up on from those observing you. Now, instead of connecting with people, you have shown yourself to be insecure, reserved, and/or shady. I become apprehensive.

When I meet a person who I can tell isn’t being themselves, I wonder what is it about themselves that makes them want to hide? Personal judgement of oneself can cause a person to ‘fake’ what they think is a more appropriate demeanor in order for them to be accepted.

Who is willing to accept a person who does not first accept themselves?

Manners Matter

Mother instilled in me the social skills of Grace Kelley and dem. The words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ often come from my lips. And why not? I’m grateful for the open door. The glass of water. The free ride on the Amtrak train when I was running late for work.

When you go out of your way to do something for me I will stop, look you in the eye, smile and say ‘thank you’. Why? Because I’m appreciative of small graces and the least I can do is to make that known to the person extending kindness by using two little words that are still free and in the dictionary.

Please…….. I thought I would throw that out there real quick because it seems like the word is being used less and less these days.

By saying ‘please’ when you are asking someone, anyone, to do something for you what you are actually doing is showing them that you appreciate their efforts. Say please to the kids even know they know they’re supposed to do the dinner dishes. Of course you could always just make a request and those who must do as you say, will do it, but what’s wrong with having a little consideration just because?

Treating people as if you care will cause you to pay more attention to the needs of others….and then you will begin to really care. That’s powerful for two instead of one, right? I’m take pride in being polite, and so should you.

You Look Marvelous!

I have a behavior disorder that causes me to behave with low impulse control. One of these behaviors is my propensity to say whatever pops into my head. If you’ve got something interesting going on I’m gonna notice. At some point in my life I began to walk up to perfect strangers and tell them just what I thought of them!

And you know what, I was given smiles, and ‘thank you’s’ in return. I would make them smile. They would make me smile and we both leave the interaction with a little more feel good then we did prior to it. I know people don’t speak to each other, which I find strange, and so I break the rules.

“You have the most beautiful green eyes”

“I love the color of your hair”

“I like your shoes!”

Not sure how to compliment someone? It’s easy. Pick something(which requires paying attention!) and find something nice to say about it.

I don’t care if you are talking to Jack the Ripper in a dark alley in throw back London. Of course, you’re about to get your throat slit, but surly you can find something nice to say, can’t you?

Tell him about how nice his knife is. Or how intelligent one must be to go about undetected while murdering people as all of Scotland Yard is on his tail. I mean, all things considered, making someone else feel good about themselves definitely changes how they feel and interact with you. It’s another win/win. And it helps people escape murder from time to time. 

Oh, So Tell Me More About That Ant Farm You Mentioned

Ant farm. Stamp collection. You last trip to Chucky Cheese. Your new five iron. Your cat. Your dog. Your grandmother’s ulcer. Your uncle’s bad toe. Your dogs seeping eye.

People love nothing more than to talk about themselves. I don’t care what it is that you have to say, I’ll listen and do my best to engage you in the conversation. I won’t behave as if I’m bored, that’s rude and how would I feel if someone did that to me?

Finding out about people accomplishes a few things. You learn about a new person. You may hear or learn something you didn’t know, so you raise your skill set and exposure. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve shown interest in someone’s something and left the meeting with a card and an offer to call, drop by, or try out whatever it is if I want to know more.

People are excited about their shit, doesn’t matter what their shit is, it doesn’t have to be your shit necessarily  but you won’t know till you find out. Being curious about others has helped me immensely both in my professional and personal life.

I’m interested in you, and if your knowledge may be of use to me, or mine to you then we’ve got another win/win.  P.S. This is how early relationships get forged. 

Say My Name, Say My Name

Because if I don’t, I will surely forget!! I’ve got the memory of nothing when it comes to remembering names. One trick I learned years ago was when meeting a person for the first time, I should repeat their name back to them. This makes sure I understood it, and that I am pronouncing it properly, and it also helps me to internalize the name with the face.

Anytime I do this, I can remember the person’s name. Tell me a name without my taking the time to do this and I have no idea who you are five seconds after you shut your mouth. But I will remember your face!!

Repeating a person’s name is also a personal thing to do. By referring to them by name, you are bringing them into your circle of trust, per say. Using a person’s name is often something done among more intimate partners like friends, family, co-workers, and the like. People spend time trying to warm up to others in new social settings, so why not just skip over all that and get straight to treating them like we know each other?

Because now we do.

Be a Fool….Take a Risk

People have a love hate relationship with attention. They want attention because attention can be useful, its a form of social power, after all. The problem is that the average person either doesn’t know how to grab attention or doesn’t feel comfortable with the attention they receive.

Either way, being the one person who has heart enough to do what no one else in the room is willing to do is also the person whom everyone will remember. The person who may or may not have made a fool of themselves will surely be remembered by some as the ‘fearless’ girl/guy who was willing to go forth and take a chance.

That’s the type of spirit that attracts positive attention from both men and women.

People love excitement. If you are the girl who will sing and dance in a rainstorm simply because it seems like the thing to do than you are also the person that plenty of people will want to get to know, or to emulate.

Risk takers remind us that we have the potential to do things out of the ordinary if we choose to. Doing things out of the ordinary is a show of courage, people admire that. A person willing to put themselves out there is also a brave one. Confidence is another character trait that attracts people like bees to honey.

Yes. I’m the woman that started the rumba line using a yardstick with the other secretaries while we all impatiently waited for the copier to be free.

So sue me for alleviating the heart killing stress of the moment by being a little silly and grabbing some free giggles while we wait.

I will dance in the rain if it will make you smile? Why……….because we’re in a sudden spring shower with no umbrella. Take those gray skies away from here…pronto!!

Come As You Are

One of the most hurtful things that can happen to a person is for them to be suddenly judged by another. It makes one feel less than, inferior and out of place. Judgement can make a person feel as if they aren’t good enough, and it can shake their sense of self.

Bias and disapproval from strangers which comes wrapped up in a neat package of subtle social cues can contribute to depression, self esteem and overall health.

I’m too good for that, and there is nothing much that a person can present to me that I will find so discerning as to cause me to want to make them feel bad about themselves on the spot. I’m very mindful of the treatment of others.

I despise bullies, so what would make me become one, even a subtle one?

The willingness to accept people as they are is one of the most endearing things you could do when engaging another person. Even when I meet someone who comes off as not someone I would necessarily pursue further contact with, there is no harm in being polite, and open minded if I find myself having to spend time with this person.

There have been times when I met folks who rubbed me the wrong way initially but after further discussion we were able to get over the hump and find common ground. Further inquiry may reveal motivations and reasons why something is the way it is, and so you gain a better understanding of a person. Accepting people the way they are promotes good self esteem. Maybe they’ll even adjust their behavior next time because you were willing to delve deeper and make that connection.

By rewarding a person for being authentic, you reinforce their perception of themselves, and at the very least you can respect them for being who they are and not who they think you want them to be.

Can’t be mad at that.

The honest answer is that anyone can be charming.

True, some people are born with outgoing personalities but that doesn’t mean anything. There are plenty of reserved and shy types that will dote on you with the feel goods mentioned above if you seek them out of their shell.

I can’t tell you how many people were shocked to learn how many people I know simply because I took it upon myself to seek them out and get to know them for myself.

The quiet people.

The shy people.

The (so called) mean people.

The people who don’t even work on this floor or maybe not even in this company! I’ll come after you with a smile on my face and a few engaging questions ready because I want to know more about you. I honestly do!!

People like people that make them feel good. There is no amount of makeup in the world that can cover up an ugly disposition. Charm is universal and is useful with males and females, it does not respond to class, race, culture and creed. You can’t purchase an interest in the next human being on Ebay.

A Lamborghini and a Black card are nothing compared to a man that lays it on thick with genuine charm. There is no set of boobs big enough to keep around a quality person when you are really a mean and bitter human being.

Those who merely tolerate people in order to get ahead, or those whom subconsciously dislike or fear people, will always come across as fake.

Learning to become more comfortable in your own skin is the perquisite to attempting to make another person happy with your efforts. Get your own feel goods in order before you try to offer someone else something that you don’t yet have for yourself.

Don’t be the person that’s socially tolerated, instead, be the person that stays on everyone’s mind well after you’ve long gone. With a little practice you can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee by infusing feel goods to the masses before they even knew what hit them.

And as with anything else, there is always more to learn.

Tell me all about how you charm the sox off of folks………….I know you wanna!! Each one, teach one, and I’ve spilled my tea.

Your turn!