College Girl Asks, “Why Do I Always Have to Be the Wing Woman?”

Just out of curiousity. What bugs you more? White women that even though they know your interested in white guys try to push you into relationships with "your own kind" or  black women that do the same?

I live in London so just across the water. Some great advice has been given. When I travel myself and my friends never go to bars/places where lots of other British people are, you might as well stay at home!. We want to see the culture and meet the people so we go to museums, cafe's, local markets, bus tours/boat trips your be surprised people usually know your foreign and so they will chat with you. You can meet some really nice people and find out places they have visited. In London I love to salsa, so I go to classes you meet some great people cute guys looking for new women to dance with lol. There is a magazine called Time out it lists all the events going on in the city you live. Its also on line just google Time out Paris. I love Paris enjoy your year.

I applaud your honesty and was, fleetingly in my teens, in the same place that you are in now. This is hard to tell another woman but it's you not them!!!

Wing woman status is a state of mind. I have seen a lot of beautiful wing women. If you hang back and are just the friend, then you will be treated such. 

If as a black woman you can still be a wing woman in Paris, then you have to reevaluate your attitude to yourself. While I don't approve of girls getting uglier friends to make themselves look good, in a city like Paris, being black with white friends is rather like being surrounded with less genetically blessed companions; irrespective of how good looking they are!! 

Rather see yourself as being another great course in a buffet -black or white, your friends compliment you in their differences (I'm not meaning to be flippant; I just rather like food and food analogies.)

See it from the man's point of view -you are a group of young, attractive and curious women and there is a great power in that, if there is one slightly shifty looking downer (I know because I was the shifty looking downer and can still be some times), he might assume that you would be hard work. 

Going out alone will probably not help you much as you clearly don't think you are attractive enough to warrant attention, so without your friends, you might simply blend into the background entirely.

I've had these moments myself when I was younger and I believe that spending a long time when you're young in an area where you are just not the ideal can really knock your confidence. 

On a side note, you are by no means asexual; men not taking notice of you doesn't rob you of your sexuality - they just can't see it.

I don't mean to suggest that you are less than perfect, as I have not seen you; however, the beauty ideal is much less rigid in Paris than in the East Coast. You will notice a lot of slimish girls with chipped nail polish, messy hair and crooked teeth. The individual and her ability to sell herself is more important in a place like that than her blow out. Please take advantage of this.

Being abroad is a great way to practice and you can be as forward and as flirty as you want because you don't know these people. Stop worrying and get out onto the streets!!

You're nobody's side kick!!!

I highly agree w/ the majority here. Go at it alone, in Paris. I could understand if you were in the States, but girl you're in Paris! Just like someone mentioned below. go out to the markets, the museums, or just wander around and that guys will start talking with you. 

I went to Rome, Italy from Sept.-Oct of this year by myself. I hopped on trains and buses, wandered through markets and visited historically sites. In between I met many men, who were genuinely interested in speaking with me, even with their limited English. 

Ditch the girls and go on your own adventure. You will see a difference. Oh and it helps to wear a dress (if the weather suitable for it) "Bella Bella!" is what they will be calling you!

Hope you'll report back to us and let us know if you see a difference! 

This type of nonsense is why I've begun,ravelling by myself, and just learning to enjoy myself and what works for me. I was at a bar in Spain this summer, and was chit chatting with three people that I'd met and vibed with. It was two white guys, one Euro one American, and a white British girl.  We had a great time, and they are all cool. However, I noticed something. It didn't matter whether a man was looking at a wall, me or whoever, she always thought they were looking at her. This includes a pretty famous footy player who gave me a smile and double take.  Her comment was....'Can't he see that I'm with so and so'.  She couldn't quite believe he had the audacity to look at her.  I made direct eye contact with the man, lol. 

Do you, and seek out people that are not all from the US.  Expand your experience.  i've learned to not be afariad and just enjoy my travels, my life and where I am.  I"ve found I'm much more comfortable and confident when I'm abroad. I suppose I feel more in my elelment.

All is right with you except for one thing: You haven't realized that you are attractive. You are projecting this attitude with your friends and men are responding to the underlying message. Don't feel badly about it or think it is just one more thing about you that is unattractive. Just consciously affirm your beauty, worth and attractiveness by what you wear, do and, most importantly, what you tell yourself. It matters, deeply, as you already know. You want to draw men to you who agree that you are awesome, not who agree that you are inadequate. Just try it. The worst that could happen is you go out and nothing changes. But it will change, of this I am 100% certain. It's not about what your girlfriends do or don't do. I used to go out with the archetypical blonde/blue Marilyn Monroe type of girl and another friend who looked like Demi Moore. I pulled them regardless. Yeah, I'm tall, slim and exotic looking but I didn't always see it that way. When I didn't, when I was going out with my petite, extroverted, beautiful black Coke bottle shaped friends in college and thought no one would see me as anything than a too-tall, introverted stick figure, I was right. Many didn't, and I thought it was confirming what was "true" about me. I realized that *I* was confirming it, and when I thought differently, things changed. So it's really not about the "race" of your friends or whether French guys dig Black chicks (they do, trust me). It's about what you think of yourself while in their company.

My take in plain terms: Each woman (in your group, at least) goes 'hunting' for herself. She is looking out for her interests first and foremost. She sees you as competition, and will do what she can to neutralize this competition. This might be overt or covert, consciously or unconsciously, done with a smile or a snarl.You know what some peopls say, 'All's fair in love or war.'

If she sees a guy coming or looking toward the group, she may try to position herself so that she seems more attractive or she may position herself in such a way that YOU cannot be directly seen.

She may direct you towards the least attractive guy in a group of guys to throw you off from the most attractive ones.  She may even try to 'advice' you to put on a less than flattering outfit before going to the club. These are all tactics. I hope you recognize them for what they are, and withdraw yourself from those kind of games. 

Otherwise, please don't waste your time going to clubs to meet men. Someone explained it better down below...

Small groups are the best; no more than four (I'm not a fan of going to clubs alone - cafes, bookstores, yes. Drinking establishments? Not so much.)   In my experience here and abroad, men tend to be intimidated by groups larger than a foursome.

Since my girlfriends for the most part have been non-black, and we had very similar taste in men, I took to circulating the room by myself and then meeting up with the ladies every few minutes, hanging out again and then circulating alone again.  That way if there was someone who was interested/interesting, there are multiple opportunities to connect.  Less opportunity for the "twat swat" (it's what we called the female version of cock blocking).

I learned from a friend that when entering a gathering you "fake it till you make it".  I would tell myself how attractive I was and how the room was mine and every man in the room wanted me.  It was my own ego boost that I used to project the confidence I wanted until it was second nature.

Is there anyway this young lady can make some European or French friends?  Speaking from experience my french/dutch/italian friends always encouraged me to date nice guys in NYC and in Europe. They also sort of guarded/warned me about a few DBRS and shady types.  And french girls always have the best diet tips and ahem smokes (just kidding but not really).  If not possible, go it alone.

I agree with the others, you might be hanging out in too "Americanized" spots, only with other Americans, and local men seeking out the "slutty" American girl stereotypes which they tend to associate with a certain type that you might not fit physically. Also, for a lot of American men abroad, its harder for them to hook up with local girls in certain countries so they seek out Americanized spots.   Just my thoughts. 

I am sorry but I don't trust some non BW when it comes to the dating scene, especially if they know you are a BW also interested in the same guys they are, it means more competition for them . I won't be surprised if they might even try to cock block some guys from getting to you. I have had a non BW "friend" do that to me before by not letting me know her friend was interested in me, only when he had moved on is when she mentioned it. I am not sure what she told him, maybe she said I don't date non BM men(even though she knows I exclusively date non BM). But she has no problem shoving any BM at me. Anyways, I agree with everyone who suggested that you  just go out alone and see the difference in response.Women can get very vicious and competitive when it comes to dating, don't wait for them to help you, they have already showed they are simply looking out for themselves.

 I'm also on the dating scene and I have learned a lot through my "journey" and one of the things I have noticed is that I get a lot more responses from men when I am alone. It's less intimidating so they can approach me easily and they usually start some kind of small talk. Plus when I'm with a friend we are usually consumed in a conversation or something so I am not that aware of my environment and a guy might be checking me out and I might not even notice.

And I agree to whoever said try to avoid the club/night scene if you want to meet quality men. Most of the men I have met in those type of places have been sleazeballs :(  I mean it's OK once in a while but it is not the greatest place to meet and start a meaningful conversation.

And the confidence thing I won't cover because everyone already chimed in on that one.

Paris is such a beautiful place!I hope you enjoy and have fun. One day I hope to go to Paris too =)

My first question for the author of the letter is what type of clubs is she going to.  It's possible she's hanging out at the same places haunted by other young white Americans with the same racial attitudes and assumptions she'd find back home.  It's easy to fall into that trap when you're abroad, even if you ask the locals where you should party (because they' may assume as an American you want to go to the most "American" French place). And I completely agree with other posters about going out alone or with just one female friend.  We've been fooled into thinking there's something unusual about a woman going out by herself when really it is the single man's dream scenario!  I think you have MORE opportunities to meet a man out and about in Paris than the   average American city.  They are still a cafe society where people work less hours a week than we do and spend more leisurely time enjoying a cup of coffee or a glass wine than with their nose in an iPhone or stuck on the freeway.  They shop at the open-air market for fresh food on a daily basis.  They rely on public transportation.  Do all of these things.  Get to know locals.  Chat up service people (waitstaff, cashiers, mailman, etc.) who would know where French singles hang out.  When you're out alone enjoying your croissant and cafe au lait, park yourself facing the door and where you're clearly visible. I don't know what your set-up is as a student, but get off campus as much as you can, if it means going to the laundromat, eating out, using the public library, using the local bank, etc.  If you can swing the price, use a local gym even if your tuition covers use of the school facilities.  As an American you're at an advantage for conversation starters, such as asking directions or recommending the best cheese shop.  I also like Christelyn's recommendation of befriending the black women there.  Find a black hair salon.  Just ask a black woman on the street who's hair you admire where she got hers done.  Oh yeah...get into soccer.  Bound to be plenty of French guys congregating to watch that!         

I was thinking it was maybe the group thing.  The only times I have ever met a guy going out was when I was by myself or maybe with one other friend. Separate yourself for a while and be confident, sociable...use your assets.  You're an American in Paris; there has to be some exotic aspect to it.

I was also shocked about the whole not being able to swirl in Paris as well. I was there for a short time last year in 2011, and I saw a lot of swirling over there. It's like no big deal from what I have noticed. But then I was only there for a day (short stop on my way elsewhere); I guess it might be different staying there.

At any rate, whether in Paris, the US, or elsewhere, I would definitely try to figure out what exactly about me is attractive and "different" and capitalize on that. I've been told that I have a nice dress sense, carry myself elegantly, and have a pretty face, so I definitely try to emphasize those qualities. It works, especially when I am bubbly and smiley. Also, leave the insecurities (if you have any) before you leave the house. I cannot tell you how many times I have been clubbing with some friends and as soon as we're in the bathroom, they start complaining about some aspect of their appearance.  I'm not the type to do that, because I know that I look good when I go out, and whatever "imperfections" I have do not take away from my entire package.

The only reason I wrote that whole last paragraph was because you mentioned this: "However, I feel as if I’m going down some deep dark whole questioning, what do I have to do? Am I not thin enough?  White enough? My lips too big? What is it?!  I feel as if I’m invisible, bordering on sexless and the frustration is slowly mounting." It kind of reminds me of me when I was getting no attention.  I don't think there was a drastic change in my appearance (because in both scenarios I would be dressing up to go out with friends), but the confidence and vibes that come out when I'm thinking "I'm hot stuff," vs. "I'm sexless and my friends see me as a wingwoman" are just completely different. I think men can sense it, even if they don't realize it.

1.) If you have not done so tell your friends, "You know I'm into white guys, right?" Perhaps not like that, but maybe work something of the sort into a conversation. Make it clear to your amigas that you like the non-black men around you. And then see how they react.

If they react positively, maybe explain your lack of confidence and ask for "tips" on how to get noticed. If they are your friends and they REALLY care about what you like, they'll either help you out right then or it will stay in the back of their mind, so that if a non-BM comes up they'll think, "Hey, "D" might be interested in this guy!" and try and hook you up later.

If they react negatively, either with "ew" or by staging an intervention involving trying to hook you up with a random black dude, then it could help explain why they have no interest in helping you in that area. And why they're happy to brush you aside for their own pursuits.

2.) All is fair in love and war  it seems, and that includes throwing you  to the side because one of your gfs wants the cute french dude for herself. It could be a guy was checking you out but one or more of your friends was more interested in scoring him and so re-directed his attention. Sometimes, people are selfish. And selfish people make the worst company when you honestly expect someone to introduce you to a cute guy. Echoing the sentiments of others here: Either strike out solo or make sure the persons you elect to go out with know what you want and don't mind playing YOUR wing person.

3.) Sometimes, without meaning to we communicate an aura that gives people signals regarding how they get to treat us. And it's not pretty. It turns out much of it is unconscious so then you have to consciously and carefully examine what sort of energy you are putting out.

I know it's a vid about corsets but pay attention to what Lucy is saying at 5:55ish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkE3BFWU1hk

It's true that certain postures and poses send signals about people. They fill you with a certain kind of energy and that energy carries. I've felt this myself and seen the results. When I was very uncomfortable and unsure of myself, when I felt I had no appeal whatsoever, I was treated much differently. I was overlooked, mistreated, and brushed aside more quickly than I am now. And a part of the reason was that I ALLOWED this to happen. A lot of the time it isn't just body shape, make-up or clothes that need to be adjusted: It's our attitudes. Especially attitudes about one's self. 

If you are unhappy being brushed aside and being "just the friend who's here....by herself...oh well", then you really don't have to take it. If a friend of mine had introduced me in that way, I would have given her an eye-brow raise that would have brought Bette Davis back from the grave, and proceeded to smile and introduce myself. BY NAME. Even offered my hand (for a shake or a kiss, preferably the latter) to the gentleman. 

I don't want you to think you need anyone else's permission to be noticed. You seem to be waiting for your friends to put the spotlight on you. They have already shown they've no interest in doing so. Either because they don't know you're wanting the spotlight or because they don't care to share the limelight. 

Do not wait for anyone to tell you that you are a worthwhile person. Not your friends, not the Parisian hotties, NO ONE. You have to believe it for yourself first because you can get anyone else to know and believe it and be able to get the attention for yourself that you really want*.

Merry Christmas and best wishes to you!

*Yes, I know some women have the uncanny ability to get hit on when they look godawful. Yes, it's happened to me. But who wants to be hit on when you're looking and feeling a hot mess? XDDD

Go out without any other females.  I am sorry but going out in a group has to stop, there is no way you will meet guys doing that, trust me it will never work.  When I go out with a group(usually white females) they will throw whatever black guy comes their way towards me, usually because they have n interest in him, then act offended when you turn him down.  Once I started going paces alone I began to see more male interest from the type of men I wanted.

I watched this video a few days ago and wrote up a response in anticipation of you posting it here, because it was far too long for a YT reply, lol. Never the less...

Regardless of where you are, I'd say separate yourself from your friends.  If you're going partying or whatever, take a few songs to go on the other side of the room and dance on your own and meet some new people. Or go and get drinks on your own. This will easily single you out; it's common advice that sometimes men are just not wanting to deal with a string of girlfriends when they're trying to talk to one girl. I mean, obviously, for safety reasons, you want to check back in every once in a while, so they know you're okay. But don't be afraid to at least step a few paces away from the edge of the crowd you're in and create your own center of the crowd.

I would do this in addition to Chris' advice. The best connections I've ever had with guys were when there wasn't a gaggle of girlfriends around me, giving their two cents, possibly being jealous, xyz. 

Honestly, hearing this story reminds me of the chain letter written by a white American girl talking about her experiences in like England or something. She couldn't understand why all the men there were more interested in her black friends than her, because she's so used to being the center of attention in the states while her black friends are second string. 

I hate to say it, but I would not put it past your "friends" to be doing what they are doing on purpose, to push you back as competition. If you're the wing wo-man, that's one less person they have to worry about swooping in and taking the guy they are interested in. They may be doing this without even realizing. But it is still a disadvantage to you that you want to erase. 

Also, don't be afraid to let your friends know you're not happy with the current set up. I would even try one day saying, okay, tonight, I'm getting a guy and you all need to be my wing women, so keep on the look out. Sometimes I feel a lot of black women don't talk much with their white girlfriends about their dating interests, sometimes with good reasons, because if you don't specify that you're interested in non black men some of them will be quick to throw a Jerome in you're face and act like they're doing you a favor. 

And definitely get that confidence up. If you want to lose weight or get healthier your yourself, by all means, do that. If not, you still need to get in the mirror and remind yourself that you are beautiful and desirable and no amount of white girlfriends should keep you from what you want.