College Girl Asks, “Why Do I Always Have to Be the Wing Woman?”

Hi Christelyn,

My hands are actually shaking as I’ve finally found the guts to write to you!  My name is “D” and I’ve never commented on your blog but I’ve kept up with it everyday for over a year.  It’s a wonderful community with amazing articles, many which have resonated with me fiercely.  I’m finally writing to you today because I have a dilemma or maybe just the frustration and disappointment has become exhausting, so I’ve come to you for advice.  I’m 20 years old and currently in Paris for the year for my Junior Year Abroad, although the experiences I have here in the romantic department seem to mimic perfectly my experiences when I’m in the States.

I’ve always been attracted to non-black men, usually white since I was in elementary school.  My first crush was on an all-american blond boy name Johnny.  Chalk it up to growing up in a rural, all-white town in Connecticut, but I like what I like.  However, as I got older and began to seriously enter the dating scene, I would go out with girlfriends to clubs and such.  My friends all happen to be white.  I guess the situation that I’m struggling with is, why is it whenever I go out, whether it be in France or the US, it is my friends who are constantly hit on while I lay by the wayside?  I always end up as the wingman, the leftovers, the “oh that’s just my best friend” girl.  I know that I’m at least passably  pretty, cause in the black community, some guy is always trying to get with me.  However, I feel as if I’m going down some deep dark whole questioning, what do I have to do? Am I not thin enough?  White enough? My lips too big? What is it?!  I feel as if I’m invisible, bordering on sexless and the frustration is slowly mounting.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my email and Happy Holidays!

Sincerely and with so much love for all that you’re doing with Beyond Black and White,


Here’s my take…