Etiquette 101: Sometimes it is ok to be a little “rude.”

 DUsher I can agree with that.

@DUsher, I did not intend to insult or offend you or others. I apologize if it came of that way. I was just really confused by the situation especially since it had taken place in church. I feel that if the mother was present during the bullying that she should have gone directly to the bullys parent(s) and had a confidential talk about situation. I believe that if the parents could speak face to face about the little boys bad behavior that is would be an opportunity to correct the behavior,  hense nipping it in the bud. This could have been a teaching moment for all involve.

I have very strong  feeling towards bullying and would have said something to his parent(s). It’s nothing wrong with teaching self-defense but sometimes calling a person out on their behavior will do the trick to. Now if the mother did try to rectify things by talking to the boys’ parent(s) and that didn’t work then that is when you call in reinforcements. Have a big strong deacon or usher come in an escort his little bad butt outside for some fresh air and some man counseling one on one. LOL. If that does not work let then inform the Pastor and have him talk to the parent(s).  

I’m old school so when I read that the little boy was bullying another child in a place of worship it got my blood boiling. No one should be bullied, harassed  or disrespected in church. If a child in not taught to respect God and His place of worship then who will he respect.  No one I guess. The little boy was right and smart to use self-defense  protect himself.  I applaud the Marital Art teacher for teaching him self-defense and stand up for the little boy. The other adults that scolded him were wrong, rude, out of line and should have been ashamed of themselves. If this problem persist I would get the Pastor involve. He should know what’s going on.

When it comes right down to it, it's about being assertive. For some odd reason assertiveness has become synonymous with rudeness. There's no reason in this world that you should let someone walk all over you or make you feel uncomfortable, no matter who they are. I got "let go" from a job once because of my assertiveness. Don't think you can treat me or talk to me any old way and not have me open my mouth to point it out.

I made the mistake of staying in a relationship that had become toxic because I didn't want to kick him while he was down. He was unemployed and didn't have a good relationship with his mother, the only real family he had left. I felt like I was all he had left in the world, so I didn't want to leave him. Lucky for me, fate took matters into its own hands and he broke up with me. For a while we were able to remain friends, but when I started talking to someone else, he became verbally abusive. The effed up thing is that he expected me to take the abuse and continue to be his friend. He felt like I owed it to him for "ruining his life." Say what? Because I'm a nice person, with a good heart, I did take it for a while, but then I woke up one morning and realized that in order for me to move on and have a better life, I had to cut him loose completely. That, my friends, is an example of getting caught up with a DBR white man. As we all know, DBR doesn't discriminate.

Good post. Although politeness is good there is also a time for rudeness/reality check, like when someone jumps in front of you and they clearly saw you standing there.

excellent article! It really is possible to be overly-concerned with being nice/people-pleasing. Especially when you override your gut feelings...dangerous territory.

Thanks Demita for this article and the church story is true. I notice that too many AA shame the victim not the abusers. Denial! You are being very kind by not saying "African American" here.

"Your silence is evil"  is my quote. After a year of field research about elder abuse in AA communities I now have a zero tolerance policy regarding the denial that too many AA cling to about a variety of shameful topics from EA, child abuse, molestation, domestic abuse, etc. Feels good to frankly state  without debating: I can't stand AA abusers and their codependents. I don't care if I hurt their feelings!

BW read the book by Gavin DeBecker The Gift of Fear!  Stop suffering in silence stop being a coward about protecting 

http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352

This book, which I read back in the late 90s said what I already knew -listen to your gut  trust then verify! Vet ALL men the same. Remember, Dracula dressed FLY lol!  Well dressed men are freaks and bums, too. That guy in a fly whip could have just stolen that car   That white preppy dude could be a rapist that Mr. Nice guy BM could be a con man. VET!

And of course ignore most of what is told to you by Blackistan they don't give a crap about the well being of most BW and girls  we are expected to suffer in silence and take it like a man!  

I could go on and on about this topic! i have given quite a few Other Brothers reality checks as they assumed their nonBlack skin gave them great privilege with me WRONG. Judge all men by character not race no need to be so trusting with STRANGERS! 

This is a great post, I was just talking about this kind of stuff a few days ago with a friend.

"How many children have been molested or abused by family members or friends because they were told they were to always respect adults and were not “allowed” to protect themselves when it was appropriate?"

Thank you SO MUCH for bringing this up, because it's something that is taken for granted to a startling degree. What's the good of telling your child about "good touch" and "bad touch" if you then turn around and tell them it's "rude" to pull away from a stranger (just because YOU know, or think you know that person doesn't mean your child has to) that they aren't comfortable with. This is why so many molesters turn out to be "trusted" members of the community: These people allowed polite familiarity to give these persons access to their kids, and disarm their children with the threat of it being "rude" not to let these people touch them.

Also fear of being rude/impolite is often abused by bullies and or sociopaths to bulldoze over the rights of other people. 

I can relate to this post. I was on vacation with a friend.  We were being harassed and this (what I thought to be nice guy) came to our rescue.  Then he wouldn't go away. He took a liking to my friend. He wouldn't leave her alone.  After a while, his actions towards my friend started to annoy me, so I made it known. After he went away, she told me how uncomfortable he was making her, but she suffered in silence. I had thought that she didn't mind his advances because she was smiling and laughing. Anyway, not wanting to appear rude can have dire consequences. I am learning to listen to my inner voice more and more these days. 

When a child in engaging in inappropriate or dangerous behavior it is the parents’ obligation to correct the child and if the parent doesn’t do it then another adult should step in to correct the child. I got a number of questions. Why didn’t Harry’s mother talk to the bully’s’ mother about the situation? Why did the other parents ignore the bully? Why when the little boy attempted to protect himself from the bully without force the other parents chastise him? Why did the Karate instructor speak up for the boy instead of the boys’ mother? Is the boys’ mother a coward? And lastly, what is going on in that church? This seems very strange to me. When children are involved, parents need to have confidential talk and nip the problem in the bud. Correcting a child when they are wrong is not rude, but those church members who correct the innocent boy were rude.

It’s never rude to protect yourself from any type of harm. Let’s call it smart and not rude.

This is an excellent post. I'm all about training myself to listen to my inner voice and believe ME before I believe anyone else.

Boundaries, we must have boundaries for ppl. I have boundaries for everyone friends & family alike ans definitely strangers. Having those boundaries makes for comfortable relationships, no boundaries makes for trouble.

The last part of this post hits on something I've been giving a lot of though to.

In short, I think one of the ways we fail to teach kids how to protect themselves is by forcing them to hug family members.  I know that many people jump at this thought that a child might not appropriately greet family members (especially in certain cultures) but when a child doesn't feel comfortable putting themselves in that intimate embrace (and it is intimate) and we tell them to anyway, we're telling them that their instincts are to be ignored in favor of being nice or polite.

Kids will usually warm up to adults on their own but they need to know that the gut voices they have matter and matter way above being nice and polite.  These lessons aren't taught to boys or girls but as girls get older they're taught more and more that being nice is far more important than anything else.  It's so dangerous.

Good post.

Excellent post.  A lot of women are, especially, afraid to get in someone's face for fear of offending them.  I learned, early, that not trusting my instincts made my situation much more difficult.  Oprah had a guy come on her show, several times, to let women know how psychopaths use that fear of offending to their advantage.  He would go to a supermarket parking lot, run up to a woman and say, "I don't know what to do.  My baby is screaming and I'm all by myself.  Please help me."  Inevitably, the woman would go with him to a hidden part of the lot and he would tell her that he could abduct her, rape her or kill her right then and there and then show her his credentials.  The women were always sheepish and when he would ask them why they came with him, they all said they just wanted to help.  In this day and age, better to offend someone you don't know than to be their victim.