Let’s Talk About ‘Shaming’ Poor, Single Black Mothers, Shall We?

Just a bit bleary-eyed after a night of partying for the Swirling Big Bash at The Grand Del Mar, but I rub the crust from my eyes and try to flush what’s left of the vodka-laden signature ‘swirl’ drink the bartenders whipped up and read this post from MySmile:

Perfect reason for NWNW:
A former high school classmate’s fb status:
“i never been so tired in my life im overworked over loved over tired i need a mental break because im bout to cry but i dnt know why. But im strong they say but i dont feel like it. I just wanna be taken care of for once in my life thats all i ask … I want to be stress free.. I really just cant help me. I love my babies so much but these bitch azz niggas need to step cuz i have had it wit yalls bullshit buy a pack of diapers u bums. Shit it aint hard to ask someone in ya family to let u hold some money so ya sperm can have more cuz u fuked up im tired .of this bull shit step or stay the fuck out my life.you bitch azz niggas. Reese baby doing her own thing i dont need anyone else holding me back if u cant help me stay the fuck away from me because im a bad bitch and Im going in”

The Cry for Help

Before I get into the heinous comments her so-called “friends” replied with to shut down and dismiss this woman’s obvious stress and pain, at the core of her post is a cry for help. This young girl is asking one of her multiple baby fathers for help with some of the most basic necessities for her children: to provide diapers. I don’t know why feeding, clothing, and caring for children boils down to the “Pampers” reference, but–there it is. I’m beginning to believe “Pampers” is the embodiment of perversion that some in the black community believe is all that’s necessary to raise and nurture children. As long as you have “Pampers,” your kids will turn out okay–well at least they’ll make it to 18 free of diaper rash.

In one line, she says, “I’m strong,” and in another she says, “I’m tired.” And I would venture to say that this woman is not even close to strong, or as she puts it, “a bad bitch,” but a poor woman who feels lost, hopeless, frazzled, exhausted and fearful for herself and for her children.

Shaming Into Silence

So…take a look-see at what the *cough* “village” surrounded this woman and her children had to say to her clear cries for help:

“your babies have you and thats all they need.” keep your head up and god will make a way.”
“girl shut the hell up and quit crying you act like you actually need their help i think ya doing just fine it get hard yeah but thats a part of being a woman u strong i know how you feel but god will bring ya out if ya just let go and let him have his way i aint a christian i aint trying to preach just telling u to have faith”

Commentary from MySmile:

This whole status and the responses spell dysfunction. People try to make it seem like it’s okay or that it’s weak for black women not to want to have deadbeat baby’s fathers. The mothers try to act so strong and independent but deep down they know it affects them. Why aren’t black women allowed to admit that they want/ need help raising children? This girl already has multiple children from 2 or 3 baby’s fathers…and she’s only like 23. Sadly, she’s not the only person I know like this.

Dissecting the Nonsense

Let’s first suss out the “God will make a way” nonsense. This often translates into someone really saying, “I can’t or won’t help you, but just trust God–it’s almost as reliable as winning the lottery!”  Making mistake after misstep and crapping all over your life and then expecting God to come down and magically make it all better isn’t how the Creator works. The universe is fearfully and wonderfully made, and for every action comes a reaction. For every cause there is an effect. For every choice comes a consequence–good or bad.

But did you catch that comment, “You’re all your kids need?” I beg to differ. A mother’s mere presence cannot magically make all the “Pampers” she needs appear by sheer force of will.

Now let’s move on the the other ratchet comment telling the girl to “shut the hell up,” and these struggles are “just part of being a woman.” Well…with an 80% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community, I guess the commenter is half right–all the dysfunction, hopelessness and pathology is part of being a woman, well as least, a black one. Why? Because this is what many young, poor black women have been taught to accept what is their lot in life: have multiple babies because they will love you, but don’t expect any help at all from the fathers of those children, and just shut the phuck up about how hard it is. Co-parenting is for pussies!!!

Where is the village’s encouragement for this woman? Where are the volunteers to take in her children for a few hours so she can exhale and have a few moments of peace? Where’s the “Pamper” patrol to drop all the material essentials her children need to take up the slack for the deadbeat dads?? Where dey at???

Just take a hard LOOK at that woman’s cry for help and subsequent shut-down from her “friends,” and then tell me, honestly, WHO is shaming black, poor, single mothers? Is it really No Wedding No Womb?