Question of the Week: “Do You Have Any Advice for Age-Differences Swirlers?”

What about the other way around older black women dating younger rainbeaus. Is that a likely hood?

I JUST told my mom the type of guy I would go for would definitely be much older. She was happy I told her, me telling her SOMETHING about dating made her happy. But now I know... here comes the jokes! lol

I would like to add too that people think that older man (because their single, this late in their life's) take any younger woman... but uh, NO.. they have high standards for women. And I have high standards for men.. it's kind of perfect, really.

thanks for the support everyone, and thanks for responding Chris! I am the one that submitted this question and I am so happy to see that I am not the only one that has this preference. I will continue to vet and be aware of any red flag controlling behavior. I will also try to ignore the stares, and shut down any comments that are exceptionally vile. I think I will just have to take this slowly with my parents, so they will eventually warm up to the idea(he is a good person though).

I can understand how you feel, my dear young sister.  I always had an attraction to older men for as long as I remember noticing men at all.  My late husband was 17 years older than I was and Beloved Spouse is 10 years older.  I can't explain the attraction; my friends always thought it was odd.  It just goes to show there is no accounting for taste.

I dated men my own age in college, but never took it too seriously.  When my boyfirend of two years and I graduated university, he was dumbfounded when I turned down his offer of marriage.  He simply assumed that after two years of dating, we would get married when we finished school.  In the interim, I'd had the opportunity to meet a whole different strata of men through my job and decided that they were the kinds of men I wanted to have in my life.  Stepped out in that direction and had good results.  I can't knock it for someone else when it worked out so well for me.

In the end, these ladies are all telling you the truth; like any other dating situation, there are pitfalls and men to be avoided, but you have a right to your own preferences in the men you choose to associate with.  You don't owe an explanation for the inexplicable--you like what you like.  Once you have a little more experience under your belt, you'll be in a better position to know what is right for you.

My husband who is 13 years older than I loves to tell people that he robbed the cradle.  That makes my middle aged heart happy to say the least. 

Age differences are less and less of a big deal the older you get. You however are 21 so age difference are going to matter much more.  This is not impossible. I have a younger sister who was in a 25 year relationship with a man who was twice her age and it worked out just fine. 

You like who you like so you are doing the right thing by not worrying much about what other people say.  May/December romances are nothing new and I would be the first woman to sing the praises of an older and more mature man. 

That said I cannot emphasize what follows strongly enough.  VET him just as you would a younger man. The older man should be more emotionally mature and financially secure than a man in your own age cohort.  If he is not then you need to ask yourself why.  That will be your clue for problems.

At 21 living at home with mom and dad and living in student poverty is expected. Not so at 35 or 45 unless he is a caregiver or the like. Avoid  guys that age who are still "getting myself together' or "trying to find themselves".  Also take care that you  not get strung along while the older guy works through his midlife crises.

The challenge with dating a much older man is that he has that many years of experience on you. He has learned and forgotten more than you have yet to learn. He can run circles around you in the game of love.  He has been there, done that, written the rules, manufactured and sold the tee shirt.

I would suggest you rent the movie "An Education" to get an idea of what you are in for.

This is not to discourage your choice but if you choose to swim in the deep waters with the big fish know what you are up against. Do not discount what we mature women have to say about the men you are after.  Remember we have been around them much longer than you have. We have matured right along with them and remember when they were just as green as you are now and saw them grow in to the often time impressive men that you are attracted to now.  Because we were there in the beginning we are not in awe of them.

Lets face it older men love to be seen as  awe inspiring. And that my dear is the secret of your success with them. Make him feel the way he did in his 20s or 30s and you will have him eating out of your hands. The mistake you younger women make is seeing what I just posted as cynical and calculating. It is not really.  What it is is having the older guy's ticket.  The older guy knows that we older gals have it which is why he is chatting you up. Remember he has learned to be every bit as cynical and calculating as we older gals. We got that way together. Good luck.

My husband is older though by a much smaller margin (10 years). There is nothing wrong with being with an older man. I wouldn't worry about comments from strangers, just vet each man individually. I was often  attracted to older men when I was younger but there was usually too much baggage - ex wives, step children, commitment phobia etc. If I had found one sans  you too much baggage maybe I would have considered marrying him lol!

I have a Kenyan friend who is married to her Dutch husband who is 30 years older than her. They have a really really great relationship. So go for it. Don't let a bunch of strangers stop you from getting what you want.

Here's a tip: Sit back and let your date handle the hostility. Older guys are a lot more mature and confident. At 21, you are likely to get overwhelmed sometimes.

I'm 33 and have been dating and in relationships with men who are 18-22 years my senior since I was in my late 20s.  In actuality, I've always been attracted to older men, but didn't really get into relationships with them until then. 

I never thought it was a big deal, especially since I was not exactly that young when I started.  Its actually difficult for me to be attracted to men in my age group. I don't know why, but that's how it is.  I think this whole paring up with people your own age is pretty new in our history.  It wasn't unusual for couples to have a wider age difference 100+ years ago. 

Regarding dating older white men at your age, realize that you are in an excellent position to pull a grown-up, mature and accomplished man who is in his prime. You say 35-45; think about attracting the ones who are 30-35 as well. Many men in these age groups are tired of women their age as these tend to be jaded after spending years dating. In addition, if they want children, they might find a younger woman more appealing. Make sure you have lots of support among people who won't criticize or judge, to counteract the black men (and others) who might act out. As for the white women flipping out, it is going to happen; the woman might have been pissed off as well if you were white like her--she sees you as competition because of your age. Vet, vet, vet, as others have said, not only for compatibility, but for similar life goals and for whether the man is looking to shape, mold or control you. The last can be the down side of dating a much older man; women their age group have already shaped their own identities; they might think that a younger woman could be shaped or trained into what they want.... When I was younger, that is one concern I had about dating men that much older, ie., 15 or more years older; I would have felt challenged in my ability to negotiate a relationship with a man that much older, insofar as a man like that would have been so much more mature, accomplished etc., I would have felt that it would have been quite easy to lose myself before I even had a sense of myself! And yet, I married a rainbeau 9 years older. By the time I married, I was grown up and mature in my own right; we had much in common, he is of the age of my older cousins, of the same generation, just a bit different. An example, we would talk about music from a time period we were both familiar with, ie. the early 1980s. I recall the music as a young teenager dancing in my bedroom; he recalled the music as a young man with a job, old enough to buy his own tickets to hear the same musicians perform live!

I'm in my early 30s and I find Patrick Stewart very attractive. No shame in the game!!

Listen I got a thing for men w/ gray hair, don't know why maybe b/c my dad was gray he grated early at 25 yrs old and I just think its so distinguished. I also like tall men, ppl w/ dimples, blonde hair & blue eyes, so what! My husband has two of those he's tall w/ blue eyes, but he's younger than me by 3 yrs but is getting a little mingly gray, Yowza! Hey it don't matter you like what you like, nothing seems pod or disturbing about your attraction to older men, you say you got no daddy issues so you just got a preference.it don't matter if everyone else likes him or not, all that matters is you like him. You know it probably wouldn't matter who you dated you could date someone your own age & someone would still have something to say about. You're never going to make everyone happy so why waste precious time trying. I give the same advice for a young wm or an older one, vet, vet, vet & know what you want from your relationship & what you have to give. All the rest of that ish is just a distraction from you getting what you desire & deserve.

To the young lady that wrote in,  I agree with many of the ladies that you should definitely vet, vet, vet.  I just went out recently with an older man (he's 64 to my 45) and it was the best date.  I actually had an interesting, grown up conversation and date with him.  He's moving to my neck of the woods later on this year, so maybe this may work out.

I've been in hiding lately (between the death of my father, my father in law having a heart attack, and starting a new job), but I did want to come out to address this.

I'm the BB&W'er Chris was referring to, and I've been married for two years and was with my husband about a year before we married. I'm 26, and he'll be 55 this November.  I grew up in an age gap household (parents were 17 years apart, and they were together over 40 years before my father died this past April).  Every child has some rough patches with their parents, but I adore them.  Some people thought I was strange as well for my preference because I don't have the traditional 'issues' associated with age gap dating.

All that aside, don't let these people bother you.  Sometimes it can be rough, but the sooner you learn to tune them out, the happier you will be.

Your age gap max may not be as high as mine, but don't be ashamed of your preference.  I love my husband, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone.

I see someone already touched on the most important thing of all: Vet, Vet, Vet.  Whether he's older or not, you have to vet and make sure the guy is there for the right reasons.  I admit that I wasn't sure what to think at first when hubby tried to talk to me, but after conversations with him and his coworkers (we were working at the same place when we got together), I felt much better.  My family (well, those who matter) loves him.  I don't have the link to the post about us here on BB&W, but it's in the archives from July of last year.  It's not meant to be a shameless plug, but we interviewed with a local newspaper, and it's finally being released next month to coincide with the anniversary of the first interracial couple to marry in Louisiana. I can post a link when it's out.

I love him, and I love our life together. I don't spend a second explaining why I did what I did nor apologizing for it. 

If you want, you can find me on Facebook (Jess L Vallet) or Twitter (tigerjlv86).  I'd be happy to share more if you'd like.

Don't let ANYONE stop you from enjoying your older man swirl!

I can relate. While my preference is for men my age (actually the older I get, I find my preference leaning toward younger men!), I was involved with a 47 year-old at the age of 30.  I tried to suppress my reaction at first because crushing on an older man was new to me, and his age didn't fit my ideal.  Even though he had all his original hair color and dressed like a young guy, people commonly mistook me to be a few years younger than I was.  I felt like we might as well have been 25 years apart, not 17.  We were in a town with pretty liberal attitudes.  The black population was small, so I wasn't used to encountering DBR males and knew several bw coupled with wm.  My man asked me if I noticed people giving us looks and expressed his surprise that this would happen in such an area.  I honestly hadn't noticed that, but I told him it wasn't the interracial aspect it was the IR together WITH AGE that was unexpected.  People were used to seeing young white girls with older men but when it's a black girl, it becomes a whole other dynamic.  White women who are assumed to be golddiggers looking for sugar daddies will get passes that a black woman usually won't.  I'll never forget a group of very young black males--possibly teenagers--who pulled up to the light next to us and loudly exclaimed, "What's WRONG with her?!"  That was a jolt for me.  As for older white women disapproving, I wouldn't sweat it.  In a sexist, youth-obsessed society, I believe these women would find you threatening even if you were white, simply because of the age gap.  I know some posters have warned about older men using younger women, but in my experience the older men are the ones who are usually more serious.  They're more confident in knowing that they don't want to be alone anymore and what type of woman they want.  They're less likely to bow to social pressure about IR dating.  And they were raised to actually date, rather than collect a bunch of f* buddies.  Anyway, you need to vet every man, but with older ones consider what role ex-wives or children might play in your involvement with him.  At your age your tastes will change, as well as your knowledge of yourself, so I would be open but take it slow regardless of the guy's age.  You can focus on school and date at the same time.  Good luck to you!

Love the post.

I have always gone for older white men. Between lifestyle, travel, education, background, it's just how I'm fixed. If others choose to look at that and see only finance, then so be it.

Dear "R", you're young; defending your choices to random people with exhaust you and rob you of any interest in the choices that you're defending.

Race aside, younger women go for older men generally; you're in great company!!!

It's not like these relationships can't work I got married at 19 to my husband who is 10yrs my senior & it's 22 years later.  I always had this attraction for older men as well, but you have to really vet because there are alot of mid life crisis men out there looking to prove they can still pull a hot young woman. Those relationships tend to be about sex and nothing more. You also have to realize that you may be at opposite ends of what you are looking for in a relationship. Most of his friends may be married and with kids; can you relate to that? Do you find it fun to spend time with his married couple friends talking about daycare and property taxes? You have to weed out the ones that want to be your daddy (sugar or otherwise) and the really immature ones. Relationships with the immature ones don't last because you will certainly outgrow them on all levels. Most importantly though you have to really know yourself.

"On one occasion a youn[g] black man actually interrupted my conversation to ask why I was speaking with an old, “racist whitey” (luckily my date ripped him a new one)"

Typical, to the point of stereotypical.

"backhanded comments from older white women,..."  Older White Trash is more like it.

People who don't understand or respect boundaries, especially in public places, are simply low-life to be ignored. If you acknowledge their existence, it's like feeding them; similar to feeding trolls on the 'net. If they don't get what they crave, maybe they'll go off somewhere and quietly die, doing the rest of us a favour. Enough on that.

Now back onto the topic. I've recently hit 35, which is the youth of middle age. Suddenly, without warning, I've become attractive to women in their early 20's. I chalk it up to my relative wealth, as I have no other plausible explanation for it . I mean, click on my avatar; does that scream "Sex God" to you? Of course not, and if it does, leave your internet device NOW and contact your opthamologist. Tell them it's an emergency.

I asked one of them why she was interested in me and she said that I seemed 'interesting'. Yeah. That's kind of using the word to be defined as the definition, but I got her point. I think it's because men her age are not very interesting, yet. They have, mostly [yes, I have not met every young man on earth, so I don't know] not gone many places or done many things, for the most part with some exceptions. Well, give them time and some of them will. Others will continue to list their record on World of Warcraft among their achievements trotted out to impress young women. 

I guess I just have a hard time digesting the concept of a woman 20 years younger than a man finding him attractive for any reason other than financial. I can understand financial, trust me on that one. I just can't understand any other reason. 

You have to vet the older gentlemen, as you would any other man.  I have met some immature 40-50 year old men (SMH), so you just have to vet. I do like a silver fox though, I ain't going to lie! LOL!!   I did date an older White guy years ago (I was 22 and he was 41).  He was very nice, divorced and had one child that lived with his ex-wife. He was stable, but horny!! LOL!! I think he was in crisis mode (realized that after he got the convertible sports car and motorcycle).  All in all, things just fizzled out because we didn't have much in common in the end.  I was still young, wanted to hang out with my girlfriends and go out (I was in graduate school) and meet new people. 

My close friend, her parents married when her mom was 25 and her dad was 50.  Her mom said it was great, although age did play a factor in some aspects, it worked out. The hard part was taking care of him after he developed parkinson's and dementia after 30 years of marriage and he passed away last year.  Although death can happen at anytime, when your spouse is way older then you, the possibility growing older without that spouse (if you don't remarry) is something that you have to take into consideration. 

This makes me think of all the older man I think are hot. Sean Connery, Ed Harris, Captain Jean Luc Picard NO not Patrick Stewart, Picaaaaard! OH last My hubbies Uncle is SUPER hot, but don't tell him that, complete embarrassment if he found out.

But I agree with Chris, at 21 let alone my 20's I was overly concern what people think and I know for me in the early stages of dating my BF now Hubby was a strain in our relationship... I would be concern about people seeing me with a white man let alone my friends. I found the more I was learning about who I am, where I come from and who I want to be I grew comfortable with dating outside my race and the same would be the same. When you find that older rainbeau male in your life, you grow to becoming a wiser more assured women the vibes, the stairs, the glares, the pointing minimize or you ignore them easily.

Cause honey boo boo when you are in Love and your fully Love yourself - LOVE become the ultimate shield and people can't deny to admire that.

My latest conversation: 0183: Is that a white thing? 4-4

My concern is that many men that date that much younger (20+ years) tend to be duds. Especially men that date exclusively younger. They're focused on sex with a hot young thing. Don't really want an equal. Want someone that can be controlled and molded. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to date older. I do think you should be very careful about which older man you choose to date. Especially if you're going that much older. It's not something that I would have wanted for my daughter at age 21 because at that age you're still forming your identity. The influence of a sketchy older man would have been unwelcome. She's her own woman now at age 27 so I would support her no matter who she decides to date. Again, I only advise caution because of your tender age of 21. Age differences don't matter as much or at all once you're in your late 20's and beyond.

i would date OLDER MEN ---- unless you KNOW the parents (mother AND father) of the young man. I believe, it's not how old they are BUT when they were BORN! I am 15 years younger than my husband, and his oldest daughter introduced us, shes is just 4 years older than me....I actually liked men who were/are born in the early 1940s because my favorite music came from the mid 50s to mid 60s OTOH you being 21 may have to be careful some older men want a young girl anyway---BTW Michael Danielovitch (son of Issachar Danielovitch) --i mean Douglas has/had no class IMO --liked him best onThe Streets of San Francisco

As long as you have things in common with the guy, and the age difference isn't making it hard to relate to one another, then I don't think that there should be a problem. I think that one of the things that sometimes makes it harder for others to fully support a big age difference is because they find it hard to wrap their minds around the fact that people who have a huge age gap could have much in common and are usually at different places in thier lives, which is kind of understandable.  Someone in his/her early 20's usually still has a lot to figure out, while the typical view is that people in their 30's and 40's are more settled in their ways and know more about what they want and don't want, which may cause problems in the relationship.  And also because of this mentality about such an age gap, a lot of people think that the older one in the relationship is going to take on more of a parental role, instead of being an equal partner. So if their is mutual respect and the both of you have things in common, then those are the things that are most important in my opinion,  and if others won't support your preference, there is not much you can do besides live your life.