Question of the Week: Help! I Feel Invisible!

WM here, long married & tail-over-teacup to a BW. My silly advice is GO WHERE MEN ARE. Simple as that.

Not to bars or clubs. 'Nuff said.

Try Home Depot or Lowe's. Avoid the home decorating places. Instead, go to the tools section on Fridays or Saturdays. Pick something up, start muttering something like, "I'm really not sure how to use this ..."

Don't go to museums, wine tastings and art shows.

Find a racetrack, and wander around, muttering something like, "I really don't know how to figure out a Trifecta ..."

Workplace dating, no-no.

But, separate yourself from the gaggle of your safe-and-secure friends, and go to some OTHER workplace cafeteria ... where you can be seen, admired & flirt to your heart's content.

Do a load of clothes in a laundromat in a white-ish area, whether you have a washer at home or not. Include a couple of black thongs.

Sit in a Barnes & Noble coffee nook, and look like you are unsure. Sit there with a book and a sign, which reads: "does anybody know about (insert a GUY TOPIC here?" Offshore drilling. Hang-gliding. Ren Faires. Sailing alone around the World. Kayaking. Backpacking. Etc. Then be prepared to listen.

One other point, and strictly from a MALE viewpoint. WM have a perception that the sistas are protected by a cordon of brothas. Whether this perception is correct or not is not relevant. So go to places where the brothas are NOT present. Sit alone. Smile. Make an effort to be that (as-perceived-by-WM) very unusual BF ... the one who is NOT calculatedly nose-in-the-air, icy-cool & distant.

Scary, I know. But there are WM ... guys ... who, trembling and waiting for that cutting remark, will still venture to approach the BF who displays herself as APPROACHABLE.

Just my 4-cents worth (inflation, y'know).

I wish you ladies all the success in the world.

I just read something on Evia's blog that brought this post to mind, and it may be helpful for you, regarding the "should I wait til I get a job to start seriously dating" subtext of your post:

"The overwhelming most of women cannot successfully conduct their lives in "first-do-this and then-do-that" sequential manner. They know they must be able to do many things SIMULTANEOUSLY because most women do not have enough TIME to accomplish these weighty goals in a sequential manner. So, they juggle.

I've gotten plenty of notes from bw who ask me whether they should get ALL of their education before they start dating!!! This usually means 2-4 degrees. It always puzzles me as to why they even think they should live their lives in such a sequential way. Virtually all of the bw I knew when I was in my twenties performed these important goals or worked towards them simultaneously. "

Yes I use to get criticism for having low self-esteem, but I come from a fatherless home (due to my fathers’ drug problems) with an angry and abusive mother who was later in life diagnosis with bi-polar. Was I expected to have high self-esteem in this type of environment? But guess what I got a clue one day and the made secret plans to leave this environment. I didn't just leave home I left the home state. I did plan about a year in advance. Saved some money, bought a plane ticket and then started a new life. Some of my family were jealous that I got out. Misery loves company. It's funny because when I moved and was away from the negativity I was like a flower blooming. My new acquantaniance started to refer me as bougie/ bourgeois. Go figure.

Just want to express how much some of the answers you've shared have helped me realize that I'm not alone in this human experience & there are some who DO care. Although none of you know me & have only been given very limited info regarding my situation, you've still managed to instill some hope & help me gain a more positive perspective on this part of my life.

If a man does not want you because you don’t have a job, then he is probably not a good choice for you anyway. I would like to add also to try and surround you positive people with like interest. Their positive attitude will rub off on you. Be careful of people who are not positive because (I know from experience) they can rub off on you also. It is easy to say love yourself and have high self esteem, but when you are surrounded by negative influences this can be hard. I like that someone said get a makeover. Sometimes we may get into a fashion rut so I say get to mall and try on some new clothes. Just leave your credit card at home. LOL. This can be a fun adventure that will get you out of the house and there is no fee try on clothes, so have fun with that.

Love begins with self. You cannot expect to find someone who will love, honor, trust and respect you if you don't first love, honor, trust and respect yourself. Being unemployed is not, IMO, the obstacle to dating as you think it is. But having low self esteem, undefined boundaries and low self-value is a great obstacle for finding love and happiness.

Dating is ALOT of work and you WILL face rejection; which is why having a strong sense of self-worth and self-value is imperative because at the end of the day you are all you have. Moreover, lacking confidence is NOT attractive, nor is it endearing. Only men who are out to take advantage of you will be attracted to a woman who does not love herself.

I would suggest you first build up your self-esteem, learn what makes you happy and do those things; set boundaries and enforce them with everyone in your life. Go out and just mingle with people engage in small talk, I think this will help you overcome some of your shyness. When you can afford it, get a make over, do somethiing fierce and fabulous with yourself that makes you go WOW!!!

...and always remember ask yourself: would you date you? and why?

Good luck...we're all rooting for you. and when you get hitched we want pics of the man and the rock :)

Everybody says these days that there's no stigma to being unemployed because there are so many qualified people unemployed, but bottom line being unemployed sucks. You feel like you are worthless, because we define ourselves by our jobs. And the advice of "Take a job, any job" can be tough because those employers out there know you are overqualified and will quit as soon as you get the chance." And if you try something slightly different than what your experience has been in, HR people demand to know what demon possessed you to look in THIS field?

I'm going to take a different tack. Volunteering is a good idea, but volunteering at church really isn't a bad thing. You just have to find the right one. I don't know enough about the Black church to comment on that. My church is centrally located in the middle of Philadelphia, with all kinds of community activities that always need one volunteer or another for some event. It has a sister church that ministers to the homeless, local artists, and gays. There's always something happening, and just HAVING to be somewhere and being on a schedule really makes a difference in your self-esteem.

@Bunny 77, Bravo to everything you just said. I was thinking that same thing but you said it better than me. I would like to add that what helped me with my shyness was to give sincere compliments whenever I can. It might be easier to start with women first. Give a random woman a sincere compliment regarding anything from her hair, shoes, jewelry or on how well behaved her children are. Do so with sincerity and eyes contact. Most normal people appreciated complements and in turn they may offer up a compliment to you which may also lead to a little small talk which will help you with you shyness and/or could lead to a job lead. Win, Win. When you become comfortable with this then try being like this with any random person. With all this practice under you belt when you do encounter a man you are interested in it won't be so awkward. Just remember it normal to feel a little nervous when you meet someone you really like so do beat yourself up about this.

Hello! I'm sorry about the unemployment situation. You certainly aren't alone these days.

I like the idea someone had about volunteering, but let me take it a step further. I know we should be volunteering from the goodness of our hearts, blah blah blah, but I think your volunteer choices should be strategic as well. Volunteer for an organization that will put you in view of the movers and shakers in your community. My cousin is job-hunting right now and she volunteers at a museum. I think this is a GREAT idea... smart intelligent people (including MEN) visit museums. Hint hint...

Whenever she gets hired somewhere, the volunteer work on her resume will help show that she wasn't just sitting around doing nothing while unemployed, and that she was actively networking and staying active while helping the community. And who knows... maybe the museum will hire her.

If you like children, try volunteering at a children's hospital. I know that can be a sad place too (who likes seeing sick children?) but you will also be exposed to the wide variety of people who work there, AND the big-time civic philanthropists/business leaders who hold events and meetings at the hospital and contribute.

No matter what happens, this type of volunteer work will force you to deal with the public, which will increase your confidence and make you seem less "invisible."

As for dating in general, this might be a double standard, but I don't feel the same way about an unemployed woman dating as I do an unemployed man. You can't put your life on hold because of a temporary situation. If you meet a nice guy, I think as long as its communicated (through your community involvement and volunteer work) that you are actively looking for a job, such a man will admire your initiative. And shoot, certain men LOVE to play savior... some of these men you meet through your volunteer work might be able to hook you up job wise.

So yeah, be VERY strategic about where you choose to volunteer... don't just choose based on emotion... you can do that after you're in a more stable personal and economic situation.

I'm a ham at heart, but it's taken a lot of work to break through my sometimes cripplingly shy facade (especially around dudes I find attractive) to let my inner ham/flirt shine. Performing arts is what helps me, because you develop skills of self-presentation "invisibly," meaning, it doesn't feel like work because you're having so much fun, but you WILL see results: improv classes, spoken word readings, choir, that kinda thing. You'll notice yourself becoming more open and spontaneous. So if the opportunity to express yourself in a safe, structured environment appeals to you, consider joining a meetup group, or attending a free class, or doing a work-study where you get to take free classes in exchange for volunteering. And if there's a little voice within you that feels guilty about the prospect of doing something "fun" while you're knee-deep in job-hunting, tell that fearful voice that jobs and men and all the joyful expressions of life tend to come more quickly and easily when YOU'RE in a state of joy (that's the law of attraction in a nutshell).

If not performing arts, participate in some kind of group activity that is fun for you, and allows you to open your heart and interact with others in a safe space.

The Doctor is in to discuss eye contact with Jenni. I'll make some assumptions and feel free to correct me.

Consultation begins in my combination office and minor exam room.

[me, looking over intake questionaire] Well, Jenni; it is Jenni, right?

[you] Yes, it's Jenni, with an I ...

[me] Good, need to know I have the right patient. So, Jenni, what brings you into The Virtual Clinic this evening?

[you] I can't seem to make eye contact with any strange men I'm attracted to.

[me] Well, are the men strange or just someone you don't yet know?

[you] Someone I don't know yet, but would like to. The problem is that my eye contact is crap.

[me] When you say eye contact, do you mean directly into his eyes?

[you] Yes, that's what I mean. I'm very shy and it's hard even telling you about this. This probably seems kind of silly to you, I suppose.

[me] Yeah, well, I see a lot of stuff in a week and it's hard for almost everyone to discuss things that are painful to them. How long has this been happening in your life?

[you] My whole life; all of it, just all of it for as long as I can remember. I'm sick of it and I want to change. But you can't begin to flirt or start a conversation if you can't make eye contact. Look at me even now; I'm talking to the wall and not you.

[me] OK, Jenni, look me in the eye for as long as you can; count from 5 backward to 0.

[you] 5, 4, 3 ... I can't anymore, sorry. I just can't.

[me] It's OK, really. You can look anywhere you want; anywhere you're comfortable. I had enough time to figure out what I needed to know to help you. Now, when you look at a person directly in the eye, what are you looking at? What I mean is, are you looking at the pupil - the black part in the center - or the coloured part around the pupil called the iris or the white part of the eye? From what I saw, you're looking at the pupil.

[you] Yes, that's it exactly. I look straight into the pupil, or at least I try to, anyway.

[me, writing in the chart] Well, I'm going to give you a strategy to help you. A lot of people, pretty much most people, have some problems in their life with maintaining eye contact when looking directly into other person's pupils. It varies from culture to culture, but that really isn't the issue this evening.

[me not writing in chart, looking at you with full attention] Here's what I suggest you try. When looking a person in the eye, making eye contact, don't look at the pupil. Instead, look at the iris of the eye, slightly to the left or right, directly at the middle of that side of the iris. Here, let's give it a try. Make eye contact with me but look at my dark brown iris to the right of the pupil instead of my pupil and count backward from 7 this time.

[you] 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. I did it, I did it! This works!

[me] Yeah, I figured it would. It works for me, I learned it in med school when I had the same problem as you. Over time, you may find it easier to do the pupil to pupil contact thing. For now, stick with this method. I used it and eventually I was able to move to pupil-to-pupil contact.

[you] Uh, Doctor, won't people be able to tell that I'm doing this?

[me] Most likely not, especially from a distance of two feet or more. Here, look at my eyes while I do this procedure. It might be uncomfortable and let me know whether it is. (looks 2mm to the right of the margin of sclera and iris) I'm looking at the white of your eyes near the iris. (shifts gaze while talking) Now I'm looking at the middle of your iris. (shifts gaze while talking) Now I'm looking at your pupil (less than a second) and now back to the middle of your iris. OK, look away to where you're comfortable. Now, did you see my eyes move while I did that?

[you] I'm not really sure, I couldn't really tell, I guess.

[me] It's pretty much imperceptible and since you won't be looking at different parts of that person's eye, your own eyes won't be moving. Give this method a good try from now on and I'd like to see you back on two months to see how you're doing. We're pretty much done here this evening, do you have any questions?

[you] No, I'm going to try this as soon as I can. Thank you, Doctor.

[me] You're welcome, Jenni. See the appointment coordinator on your way out and I'll see you in two months.

[you leave, closing door behind you]

I sit down at my desk and talk into a digital voice recorder. "Appointment 2011-1102-09. Jenni XXXXX, a 36 year-old woman, demographics on intake form, presented with issues of making eye contact. No untoward neurological issues seen; mild hesitant affect noted. Patient was given method from Dr. Pangulinan from med school tutorial on patient procedures and methods for simulation of pupil-to-pupil eye contact simulation by foveal focus on the left or right iris between the opening and the margin. Method was described and demonstrated with reasonable success. Patient indicated that the procedure would be successful for her. Follow up in two months suggested for further screening for possible ....."

Fade to out of focus; roll credits. Another episode of Virtual Clinic and it's a wrap!

All fun aside, I hope this helps you, Jenni. If you've been lurking here you know I goof around a lot, but can also be pretty serious and this is one of those serious times, albeit presented in a slightly unconventional format, mostly for the others. Helping people is what I do, I hope.

Why not do voluntary work in a speciality that is part of your true self. It can build your confidence and allow you to build on your communication skills with others. This is a good way to get out and not have to stare at the four corners of you home!Who knows you may find a steady job in the process. If you are shy just try to bring up a conversation that you are familiar with.In meeting different people you may encounter different personalities for you to choose wisely. Good luck J.

I think she's confusing two separate issues. Your employment status is about you and your financial needs. Your relationship status is about your emotional needs and desire for companionship. While you may feel like these two areas overlap in terms of importance to you, they are not entirely connected in terms of how you choose to date, and I dare say being employed at present is hardly relevant in this economy if you're serious about dating.

First, you say you are unemployed. Being unemployed is not the same as lacking drive and work experience. As long as you are knowledgeable about your chosen career field, you'll be fine.

My main concern about you is that you come across as having such a low self-esteem. It actually makes me think that your lack of employment could be a blessing in that its keeping the leeches and users at bay. These people can smell a person that doesn't feel good about themselves from miles away, and you need to be careful about being so grateful that SOMEONE finally noticed you and accepted your feelings that you'll let them walk all over you and use you and then break your heart.

You said you've lurked for awhile, and I sincerely hope you read previous letters where women entered interracial relationships and allowed themselves to be absolutely disrespected by these scumbags. If not, read those blogs. Re-read them if you must. That is what happens when you allow your self-esteem to be low, and get into a relationship.

The best thing you can do for yourself is first reach a place of self love and acceptance where you do not look to other people for validation. You have to believe in yourself and that you are worthy of being loved. THEN, go out and find someone who is worthy of your love.

Best of luck to you and best wishes. :)

Ending this with the ultimate self-belief song >>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHzx2P4x63c

These are some quick points I would like to give you. Please excuse the format. I have a son to put to bed (and a husband, too). LOL!

Practice holding eye contact with yourself in the mirror. The standard is about five seconds.

When you are in a situation and are ready to flirt, hold eye contact then look away. Then, you can glance back from time to time. In fact, your sweet demeanor will be a plus in your appearing approachable.

You can study flirting and body language techniques. Just some quick techniques. (Do not over think it.) You can even take a seminar.

Try to go to lectures, concerts, sports bars, and events where there is a subject that can be used as an ice breaker.

Remember no one is really 100% confident. We all have our insecurities.

Each time you make an effort, congratulate yourself even if nothing happens. Doing things builds confidence.

Masculine men want lovely a companion so your finances are not as important to them. Learn the art of making a man feel good about himself

Dating is hard. It is best if you make a short list of things you need in a man and cut it in half LOL!

But, as we all know, you only have to find is ONE.

I'll add this also when I met my wonderful now husband, I was UNEMPLOYED I had been laid off. But ladies don't feel bad, looking for a job is a job and no one should be ashamed of being unemployed. Tons of ppl are there, as long you're doing something about it, looking for work, going to school, you are a productive member of society. A little after I met I got a part time job which I hold till this day and he's such a wonderful provider he allows me to do so I take care of my health. Just work on your confidence.

OK this is freaky. I was literally about to send an email to Christelyn about this EXACT issue as my break from lurker status. *waves to everyone* I believe in coincidences, but wow...I'm in the same situation. I'm 29, never married, no kids. Lost my job back in '09 and when my jobhunt proved fruitless, I saw it as an opportunity to go back to school. I live with my mother (greatest woman in the world) who helps me out with my major bills. I, too, feel embarrassed about my situation, seeing it as eliminating me from being a potential mate or even a simple date. So it's comforting to see a guy come out and say that it isn't that big of a deal. And Chris is right, there are A LOT of us unemployed quality single women out there these days. You're not alone, OP!

Your a beautiful young woman, I would bet every man checks you out, many would be afraid to make contact with you. This has been going on since time began. Men look at a beautiful woman and think she would never talk with me or go out with me. It does start with the eye contact and a smile....

Bob

Is she saying she hates the term "black" to describe her hair, or herself? If she has very tightly coiled hair she can refer to it that way or say she has type 4 hair. I think her main issue is self esteem. I know that when I didn't have a job I didn't feel so great about myself either. I would suggest she work on gaining new employment and going to as many cheap or free events as possible to meet men. Volunteering (but not in church!) is another great way to get out and meet people, assuming you can avoid the minimal costs associated with volunteer work.