Dear Ms. Karazin,
As a professional single BW who has been attracted to and is interested in dating WM, I have a question: why are Asian and Indian and Hispanic women seen as suitable minority partners but BW are seen as taboo? I’m just wondering how BW can gain more equal footing will ALL races of women and not feel like we’re the bottom of the barrel. I am spending some extended time in Europe and have seen BW on a pretty much equal level with all other women. The men are proudly with their partners.
Thoughts?
Jolie
Jolie, I’m going to answer this question, but with some hesitation, because I think this letter may be written by a troll-mole. You are using certain phrases that I hear often from folks who seem personally invested in making black women feel less than. You’d think this kind of poison might come from outside the black community, but it’s not. People–skinfolk–are the ones to gleefully spout and spread the gospel that black women are some sort of sub-human species that all the world is repulsed by. So if this is your backhanded way of coming in here to repeat to this audience that they are walking, talking crud sticks, congratulations, because you made it through the firewall. But you made it because I’m going to use it to make a several important points, so put your listening ears on.
To address your first question:
“Why are Asian and Indian and Hispanic women seen as suitable minority partners but BW are seen as taboo?”
Asians, Indians and Hispanic women don’t share a sordid history of slavery and segregation like black American women. Go to other countries like Italy, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Germany, the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand, Canada or France and you’ll quickly realize this “bottom of the barrel” business is American made, and PROUDLY perpetuated by an unlikely primary source: other black people, especially online where the cowards can spew their hate with relative anonymity. Sure, some white people may think it, but the level of gleefulness about the now-infamous OK Cupid study, about how all races of women were preferred above black women has been propogated not by white racists, but by black racists. If you currently in Europe as you say, then you can see this distinction for yourself.
Let’s stop and think about this for a sec. To take a line from Khadija, I ask you, “Qui bono?” Latin for, “who benefits?” Who benefits from convincing black women that they ain’t shit and nobody wants them? Follow the feces-laden skid marks and you’ll have your answer.
I will concede, however, that black AMERICAN women indeed have an image problem, and we can and should use a few pages from other disenfranchised groups who were at one time in American history also viewed as barrel sludge. But it’s going to take a Hurculean effort, and I’m not convinced enough black women care enough to get on board. But for those who are concerned and wish to organize, I would suggest the following:
**Buy “Black Woman, Redefined” by Sophia Angeli Nelson. Read it actively, and invest in several highlighters.
**Join the Facebook group, “Black Women, What Not to Buy.” We have tremendous financial power, let’s give our money to those that support us and our positive image, and starve out the others.
**Live the “No Wedding No Womb” lifestyle, and if you already are, pass the concept along to a friend, relative, peer, or total stranger.
**Get a passport and travel.
**Surround yourself around the people you wish to emulate. Learn what works for them, modify it and make it your own.
**Run fast and far away from anyone who seems invested in reminding you “you ain’t shit.” There’s an agenda there, you’d best believe it.
**Embrance self-reflection.
And last but not least, remember that it’s not your sole responsibility to influence how and what a group of ‘others’ think of an entire race of women. It takes a higher level thinker to judge people on as individuals. Stick with those guys, marry them, and makes lots and lots of babies, ummkay? The world needs more smart people.
This is an interesting question...I'm going to write a little about it right here and get stream of consciousness, I suppose....
A lot of white guys are only starting in the last two decades to interact with black women on level playing fields. Too many of them only see or deal with stereotypes, and as Denis Leary says, "Stereotypes exist for a reason." There are just enough of them to be prominently visible.
A lot of white guys only see or deal with prototypes that we are all familiar with: angry black women, obese and imperious black women, black women trailing kids, and entertainers.
However, this IS changing, as more and more black women enter the middle-class work force, as more and more, people define themselves by their hobbies, activities, and workplaces, over their ethnic or melanin-content identities. That was what happened to me...the girls I met and pursued during and after college were in my classes or met through my profession of journalism, and we had something to talk about.
I think the "Angry Black Woman" stereotype is probably at play here...God knows I see enough of them in Newark. They yell and scream at Council meetings. They yell and scream at political meetings. They yell and scream at Parent-Teacher meetings. They yell and scream at me. Sometimes they call me, over the phone, an "Uncle Tom," which always baffles the hell out of me, because:
1. I'm not black.
2. Has anybody actually read "Uncle Tom's Cabin?" The original Uncle Tom was a Christ-like figure who practices non-violent disobedience to his evil overseer, and dies a martyr. It was white-run minstrel shows that turned him into a bootlicking toady.
3. What the hell does Harriet Beecher Stowe have to do with picking up garbage in the Central Ward?
When some of these folks ask me, in a high fury, "Can I ask you a personal question? Are you white or black?" I answer in my British accent: "None of the above, mate. I'm a New Zealand Maori." That usually leaves them stuck.
We see that stereotype very often on TV, often supplemented by the obese black woman who says, "Mmm-hmm," and angrily dispenses sarcasm and authority at the white characters. On TV, such characters are entertaining. In real life, they're off-putting.
I think WMs are afraid of running into either or both.
I think I would probably advise black women to value themselves higher...don't get tattoos, don't get body piercings, get that education, articulate your words, avoid fried foods, and dress the part. Your body and brains are a temple, and you should treat yourself that way. You're only as good as you think you are.
The Dalai Lama came to Newark last year for a peace conference, with some Nobel Peace Laureates. He said that if you wanted to achieve peace in the world, you have to have it with yourself first. One of the Peace Laureates, an anti-land mines activist, said you had to be angry at the way things were to motivate change.
They both had a point, but after a lifetime of being angry myself, over things I cannot change, I think maybe the Dalai Lama was right. You have to be the change you want to see in the world, and that starts with yourself. If you are not for yourself, nobody else will be. You have to like yourself as well as love yourself.
And I think that's probably true for any person, regardless of ethnicity.
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