Question of the Week: English White Guy Asks Me How to Meet Black Women

I loved how he asked the questions. I don't think he was coming off racist in any way, but I'm glad that he even clarified where he was coming from to make sure the lines were not blurred.I'd date him in a second if I knew more about him, but I think he's more my style of guy with the old school romance. I appreciate a guy that understands what healthy relationships look like and also what types of unhealthy relationships he doesn't want to be in. He has really great morals and that is commendable for anyone who wants to commit to having a great relationship and also is open to discuss these things. Which him asking questions, I think is one of the most important things because he's at least learning. :) Loved it!

I'll date him, no problem. He sounds like a really great person! If only he could teach some of the guys in Jersey how to behave.

“Can a black woman really love a white man?”

Of course a BW can love a WM.  There are plenty of BW in loving relationships with WM.  Have a look at all of the loving and affectionate BW/WM couples on youtube. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLskOqj2H44

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dPqxufJDwU

Ignore BW who loudly proclaim their dislike of WM.   They are trying to protect BM’s interests, because they see the number of BW/WM couples growing, and they’re trying to put the brakes on it.  Remember, it’s usually the worst members of a group that tend to be the most vocal.   So don’t let the bad apples discourage you from being with who you want.

 To overcome your shyness you may want to first try becoming comfortable speaking to BW.   How do you become comfortable speaking to BW?   Try making small talk with them wherever you happen to be.

(Remembering to smile.)

Grocery store – “Excuse me miss, how can you tell if a peach is ripe?”

“That ____ looks good, where do they sell that?”

Waiting in line – “Hi, I really like your hairstyle, it’s beautiful.”

Art gallery – “I really love ____’s work, it’s so emotional/vibrant/etc. “

Coffee shop – “Is that the new ____ flavor, I’ve never tried that.  Is it good?”

~Where do you meet BW?  

Anywhere women are present, and there is some socializing going on.  Meaning, it’s best not to try to pick up women at the supermarket or post office; small talk is fine though.

Possible venues are: parties, outdoor concerts/music festivals, museums, clubs, wine tastings, or any popular activities in your area.  And you can socialize a lot more, in general, to get more invitations to parties and other gatherings.

~Should you go to the places with the most BW?

I don’t think so, because the BW you’ll find at all-black venues will tend to be less open to dating non-BM.   So even though the number of BW in mixed venues will be smaller, I think your success rate will be higher there.

~What do you do when you see a BW you like?  Flirt and make conversation.

From a distance – Catch her eye and smile, if she smiles back (green light) - approach her.

Up close - pay her a compliment, talk about the venue/weather/neighborhood/hobbies/food/music/your dog/etc.

If she smiles, keeps eye contact, and prolongs the conversation (green light) – she’s interested.

If she gives short answers with little to no smile or eye contact (red light) – walk away.

~First dates.

It’s better to keep them easy-breezy: ask her out for coffee, to a café, or even just for a walk in the park.   The casual atmosphere will help you relax and be yourself.

~Getting the phone number.

I think it’s better to ask the woman if she wants _your_ number, than to ask her for her number - because it puts less pressure on the woman.

~How to deal with awkwardness on dates.

If you’re feeling very nervous and it’s showing, don’t try to pretend it isn’t happening.   It’s best to be honest: smile and tell her you’re shy and you’ve been working on building your confidence.   She may be understanding and try to put you at ease and/or give you a second date.   Most people aren’t social-butterflies and can relate to being awkward at some point in their lives, especially on dates.

Good luck.

"Can a black woman really love a white man???? and not feel she as lost out somewhere?"

The only kind of Black women you should consider dating will answer "Yes."  You've already received great advice. All I want to say that you are young, and you are going to meet many Black women who'd say "No" to one or both parts of your question, and some will be attracted to you or even go out with you.  Try to hone in on the ones whose behaviors, values and actions seem to say "yes."  These women will be more open than closed, more sweet than sour, and more self-aware than not.  Good luck, mate!

Would it be realistic for him to befriend other interracial couples? Maybe a WM dating or married to a BW can give him some incite as to how to approach BW and maybe which ones to avoid.

its true that the majority of IRR is BM WM or WM AW.....but one will never know the reasons for them being in such. You know you want a black woman but why are you sweating it? Most men know who they want but sometimes the woman has to be accepted bt the man. If you are employed, has a purpose for life and motivated to get who what you want then where does shyness come into the picture? Just go out there amd get her and be happy.

I just want say the whole "you need to call tyrone!" My new favorite line!

"J", it is no accident  you found this blog and the positive energy of the people here to support your efforts in making your love connection with the black women of your choice. Your awareness and sensitivity about black women is very charming. The girl you do eventually meet wil be very luck to be with you. I believe in surrounding myself with people who honor and support my love goals/dreams. It's a spiritual concept I live by and the reason I come to this blog daily. I wish you all the best and good luck to you!

“Stop trying to turn an elephant into an airplane.”

Woman I could kiss you for that. Keith and I have talked many times about that. We have seen this attitude from some black women who are looking for what does not exist. A non-black black man.

What follows are some hard facts. Take it for what it is worth.

Non-black men are the men they are they are. Deal.

They do not want to be black men. Deal with that also.

They do not want you attempting to turn them into black men. That is insulting.

It is never gonna happen. They will never accept you trying to do that.

*******IT IS A DEAL BREAKER IN ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.*********

Non-black men will not accept being compared to black men. Another deal breaker.

Non-black men will not tolerate having the sins of their fathers visited upon them. If you as a black women want to, need to and insist on constantly re-fight past racial conflicts with non-black men then stop it and move on. Interracial dating is not for you.

Respecting and learning about a black woman's culture is expected of any non-black man who dates and eventually marries a black women.

Respecting and learning about a non-black man's culture is expected of any black woman who dates and eventually marries a non-black man.

If you cannot sign on for that then interracial dating is not for you. It is that simple. If that truly is the case where you cannot accept the non-black man for who he is then repeat after me.

“If you want a black man then go get a black man. Do not waste your time dating a non-black man if what you really want is a black man.

Non-black men, especially white men, are NOT the fall back guy. They do not have to accept that position. There are too many other women within their own race and outside of their race who want them.”

Take that to the bank. 

"How to Meet Black Women"

Um ... find one you like, walk up and say "hello?"

Be yourself J. If the quality woman cares, she will accept you for whom you are.

Christelyn,

You are on point with everything that you have said. Especially when you wrote about how bw get angry because  white men do not approach us because of fear. I have expressed this and now realize how wrong I am for thinking this. I also liked how you challenged bw to try to understand where wm are coming from. We have a reputation but also the AA culture is different. Unless you have been around AA you do not know the  social cues of the culture. I appreciate J's honesty on the subject. BTW... being 6'1 and skinny is not a bad thing.

Christelyn...... Yes.  You were on with everything you said in this video.  Great advice to him.  This blog continues to be a fantastic place for us to discuss exactly these kind of things... that quite frankly really need to be discussed.

Hey J. I'm also in England (London). About a year ago I also wrote to chris asking for advice because I felt that although white guys seemed interested they would never really go seem comfortable asking me out. A lot of it really had to do with me as a person - I'm quite timid and consequently not the most approachable person. I definitely agree that sites like this one have been very beneficial to me. On another note, a lot of people think of england, and London in particular, of being full of people in interracial relationships. I have to agree that it is far more common here than in the US but it is still far far FAR more common to see a black man in an interracial relationship than a black woman. I think a study.conducted a cpuple of years ago pointed out that 51% of married black men in the UK were married to non black women. Basically my point is just that black men massively outnumber black women in ir dating.

Love the advice Christelyn,  as for Jay a black women will adore and cherish you.  We want to be approached.  Don't be shy and if a black woman has caught your eye, please talk to her.  See where she is in her feelings about going on a date.   I hope you find your love soon....

Excellent video, Christelyn!  I thought your advice was completely on point.

J, I'm 6'1" as well and built skinny, just like you.  Many women love our body type.  I know you feel the pressure to have bulging muscles because that's somehow "manly," but that's just not the case.  Work out if you want to look good and feel better about yourself, but make sure you're keeping in mind that women are much more interested in what's going on in your mind, than your body. 

Black women are women just the same as any other race, so you'll be pleasantly surprised to find how feminine and tender they are - often more feminine than women of any other race.  I say this because I think the majority of your questions can be answered by bearing in mind that black women are women, too.

My best advice is to start doing your reading.  Read articles geared TOWARD black women on this and other sites.  Read books geared toward black women.  Due to your limited experience with the psyche and person of a black woman, you're not quite sure that you'll have any common ground to stand on.  Read what's important to black women, BY black women and you'll not only learn what black women are interested in, but your simple attraction will evolve into a healthy respect and love for black women.

Good luck bruh, and don't let ANYONE stand in the way of your search for love - that includes yourself.

I was surprised to hear that the BM/WW but no WM/BW double standard applied in the U. K.  I thought that was a peculiarly American mind set.  With the U. S. having a history of slavery, even though it was over one hundred and fifty years ago, I can at least partially understand it in modern AAs.   But slavery was eradicated in the U. K. many years before the U. S..  It seems that the evil history of slavery has imprinted itself on the minds of many African peoples and cannot be erased despite what has been done in the world to atone for this past horror, especially in the U. S.   

But it does point to one inescapable conclusion: men---no matter the color---like women, no matter their color.  And isn't that as it should be?  All of these ridiculous barriers based on race, religion or class should finally be considered the relics of a much older age.  But humans, being no better than they are, must find something to make themselves feel superior to someone else.  Your accomplishments are the only really tangible thing that set you apart and gives your life meaning.  You don't get that because you're white or Protestant or rich.

"J" has run into the problem so many of us WM ran into 30-40 years ago.  He has a preference for women whom society, at that time, declared off limits------usually for reasons he didn't understand.  He sees a pretty girl who happens to be black, but because of her memory of slavery and his fear of rejection (loudly and angrily), he's afraid to approach her.  As Chris says in her video, "I know some women out there are saying: grow a pair guy (OR) put on your big boy pants," etc. but its not always that easy. 

As one Jay to another, I understand.  The first time I asked out the black girl who was to become my girlfriend in grad school, I was scared stiff, but that was the 70's.  Hopefully things are a little easier today.  I'd say, "go for it."