Question of the Week: “How Do I Deal With Street Harassment?”

This is an upsetting incident...you may want to get the clown's photo with your Smartphone, if you can.

I do agree with Chris: pack some pepper spray. We just had an incident at a Newark Municipal Council meeting with some idiot charging a Council Member as she was being sworn in, and the cops had to subdue him with pepper spray. He was trying to attack her, but the attacker said he just wanted to rip the Bible from her hand to disrupt the ceremony. Either way, he was wrong, and pepper spray did the job.

My wife had a pal who would spin on these skunks when they harassed her, glare at them, and say, "IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN  HELP YOU WITH?" and they would turn a little pale, say, "Nothing," and flee. They are mostly trying to get a reaction out of you to boost their own ego and impress their buddies with what smooth operators they are and reinforce their combined stereotype that women are merely property.

Another solution: Get a Doberman Pinscher. They are fine pets and neither harassers nor homeless go near people walking them.

I'm 23 years old but unfortunately pass for a high school student. Does this stop men from hitting in me? No. Many of them even ask, "Is you in high school?" And many of the time it's old black men. But I've had Hispanic and white men come up to me too. The Asian guys just stare. It just gets ridiculous sometimes; guys asking if I "got a dude", following me off the bus, asking for my number and not taking no for an answer. I have one particular story that is the epitome of harassment. One time I was sitting at a bus stop and a man approached me asking about what time a bus comes. I kind of knew that wasn't all he wanted. He then sat next to me and starting asking me all these questions such as how old I am, where I go to school, of I'm "black", where I'm from, etc. He asked for my number and I said I'd rather not give it to him. This man said he was from Nigeria on a business trip and he needed a "friend." He would not take no for an answer, and would not leave me alone. He kept asking for my number repeatedly, asked for my email address, Facebook, even my mailing address. I even pulled the old "I have a boyfriend" line. He would not leave me alone. He said he just wanted to be my "friend" and that boyfriend didn't have to know. I had gone to the library so I had books with me and be started going through them. I even politely told him I wasn't interested in giving him my number and to leave me alone. He stil wouldn't. He was desperate. He even said,"Do you want me to get on my knees? Please, just give me your number I just want a friend," And guess what? He got on his knees. Thankfully the bus came and I got out of there. I had no idea what to do and had never dealt with that before. I have to ask, is that a Nigerian thing? I don't want to be offensive but no man has ever done that to me before.

Sometimes I wish I were invisible because I am so tired of the harassment.  It's like no matter what, some random man is either leering at me or making comments at me.

I had a Facebook 'friend' recently tell me that I should be 'appreciative' after making a post about how a random man who walked by me and said, "Beautiful, young lady" and when I did not thank him, he said, "You're welcome!"  She told me that "thank you goes a long way and to keep it moving".  She also said that one day I might need to hear someone tell me I am beautiful.  Her comments left me so infuriated that I ended up deleting the post.  I told her that no woman is obligated to thank a random man for his approval that she did not ask for.  

I don't know why random men think I care to know what they think about me.

Oh, and, then there is the fact that I am an introvert, so it is just very annoying and exhausting for me to always have people trying to interact with me.  

I could fill this board up with street harassment stories, but let me tell you about what was said to me Monday.

So, I was walking down the street and as I neared an apartment complex, I spotted two young Black guys walking.  I had a very strong feeling that something was going to be said to me by them, so I kept looking straight ahead and pretended as if I didn't even notice them.  It just so happened that when they reached the end of the sidewalk to cross the street, I was there at the same time.  As I was taking a sip of my coffee drink, one of the guys said to me, "Can I eat you like that?"  In my mind, I was like, "WTF!"   I didn't say anything or turn in the guy's direction, but I then heard him say, "Aye, aye!" to get my attention, and when that didn't work, the other guy tried to get my attention and said, "Sweetheart?"   What could they have possibly wanted from me?

This is why I hate that I have a young looking face.  I get harassed by teenage boys and men old enough to be my grandfather.  

I am at the point where when I see guys staring at me as I walk down the street, I throw my hands up in the air and mouth, "What!  What!  What are you looking at me for?"

I agree with whoever said something about not making eye contact.  I know that for me I've given men eye contact not because I was interested, but because I saw them staring at me as they drove by and become on alert to whether or not they are going to follow me or try to approach me.  They always think it means I am interested and this has resulted in guys pulling over to wait for, asking me if I want a ride.

*Sorry if my comment is all over the place.

We may have limited choices as to where we live, work or go to school but when it comes to personal preferences regarding our leisure time we have choices. I don’t go to movie theaters, restaurants, grocery stores or shopping malls in the hood because they are not safe. When I got accustomed to pleasant safe environments I just can’t go back to hostile environments.  

Seeing that this happen on a school campus I would like to suggest notify the school so that they can increase their security. Worst case scenario this man could have followed her or any woman into the bathroom. If he is not a student, teacher or faculty he should not be on campus grounds period. If he could harass you while in a classroom what will stop him from rape or murder. I would hope that the teacher would have reported this to security as well. There are too many stories in recent history where people have been killed on campus so I believe the school would take this very seriously.

As regards what happened at the mall, I would avoid shopping malls that don’t have armed security guards. Thugs know that they cannot misbehave, hence no harassment or shenanigans. If these thugs work in the mall them notify security or mall management. This will be handled promptly and discreetly. 

In both cases if you can make these complaints anonymously by contacting the school or the mall via email, phone call or letter.

I like the idea of carrying pepper spray as well, but here’s a cautionary tale from celebrity chef Rachel Ray. She mentioned when she was young she moved into a not-so-nice (against her families wishes) neighborhood.  Well one day coming home from work a thug tried to rob her in the lobby of her apartment building. She used her pepper spray on him and he ran away. A week later the same thug came back and beat her up in retaliation. She immediately moved after that.  So depending of the situation you might be retaliated against. Just something to consider.

It's disgusting to see grown men, who should know better act so simple. what's even more disturbing is the amount of women who will entertain these fools. They continue their harassment because it actually works on more women than we think. Nothing irks me more than to see a grown fool trying to "holler" at women with force or the old pssssst "hey baby girl, you married?",,,

I feel for you.  I'm a college student as well, except with me its often lecherous old black men. Age doesn't seem to be a factor when it comes to misogyny. I don't know what makes these men feel that they can harass young women young enough to be their grand daughter  at their own will whether on the street, at the mall or even at the grocery store. Sometimes I feel out right in danger on the streets where I live on my urban college campus. Some men never learn. Honestly the thing about the eye contact is true, its why I tend to where sunglasses when I walk in the city because any accidental eye contact leads to harassment.

Well, ya can't shoot 'em, nor Taser 'em, nor even pepper-spray 'em, unless they touch you - but, I remembered a story of an older woman (Latina, I think) in high, stiletto heels, who was catcalled & hooted at, with one guy standing in her path - she just kept walking, straight at him, until they collided - as he stumbled back, and then fell, she kept right on going, but as she WALKED RIGHT OVER HIM, she set her heels down hard - can you spell 'puncture?'

Never happened again, on that street.

Unfortunately age only makes some of these simpletons even crazier.  I was out and about one day walking and there was a group of middle aged (early 30s to lates 40s) men were calling out "how you doing Ms Lady, you know you look good, are you married?" and all sort of nonsense.  I had a FED EX guy deliver a package and he asked if I was married I told him no.  He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said not at this time.  He then asked for my number.  I told him I didn't give out my number randomly.  He gave me a nasty look and since then will throw my packages on the porch instead of ringing the doorbell and announcing himself.  Some men don't grow up period!!

Ugh you poor thing! It irks the living crap out of me that black culture assumes its okay to harass random attractive BW simply b/c these jerks feel its their right. Definitely carry the pepper spray. But these losers need to get sent a message that some of us black worm won't tolerate that nonsense. I will often look at them and roll my eyes or with a very solid face to let them know. Often times I find that the Pre no nonsense face when walking by or towards black males who look like they are about to invade your privacy stops them and they'll try to say something simple and nice like "how ate you doing today SISTER". They already know from your face you are not up for that BS and they don't want to risk being embarrassed so they'll either keep it moving or make a gentle gesture like I quoted above. The problem is, is that a lot if black girls respond positively to those cat calls and they need to know not all if us appreciate or tolerate it.

Thanks for the responses, I discussed this with dad again this morning and he now insist I carry pepper spray and a stun gun in my purse while I am out.  He also insist I take a quick self defense class to learn how to properly use them.

But I do think street harassment or what I like to call sexual harassment is apart of the historical pattern of male dominance of women. This just not happens in black communities, but all of over the world. Our culture is deeply imensed in the idea that males are superior to women, and when men of all ages, creed, color are bombarded with deragatory images of women and are seen as sub-human, it makes it okay for them to say disgusting things to them on the street.  This also can account for gender based violence, our culture is just horribly sexist, this is why it's happening. Not because people don't have fathers!

I would only say that, whatever you do, don't acknowledge them. If they start talking to you, don't respond--act if as they aren't even there. Those types of guys want attention, and if you give them no attention they will move on to other targets. 

A month or two ago, I was in Walmart, and these black kids were walking around wearing masks trying to get a rise out of people. So they spotted me and then came over to where I was and started pretending to be looking at merchandise. No matter how close they got to me, I just pretended like I didn't even see them. Finally, one of the kids asked me a question and I responded to him as he had no mask on. They followed me to the next aisle and I still ignored them. They finally got the picture that I wasn't impressed by their childish pranks and moved on. 

With guys who are harassing you on the street it is best to just completely ignore them unless they begin to invade your personal space, then move away from them without saying a word. If they are really persistent, tell them to stop following you. If they keep following you, spray them with mace and run to a safe place. Do not engage them in friendly banter--we women have a tendency to 'tend and befriend' people who are trying to victimize us. Predators and creeps count us wanting to be "nice" and not hurt their feelings--they use our desire to be nice to manipulate us and get (and then keep) our attention. Do not be nice to these arseholes. 

What a coincidence. I had a really bad street harassment incident a couple of weekends ago at the Oakland airport (first and last time flying out of Oakland). I have a post coming up on this but will chime in later to comment on this lady's particular situation. Which at a quick glance sounds even worse.

Great topic! I totally agree. Its happens at the time and the worse thing to do is any sort of acknowlegment no matter how slight. Just hit the mental ignore button. Which is difficult because I hear a sharp sound or whistle and i turn my head...not because im interested, but because its a natuaral physiological reaction to sound. So its hard to do, but ive found it works. The following bit is especially scary, so either pepper spray or if that feels too confrontational stay near a crowd. I usually step into a supermarket/bookstore etc or wait a full bus stop even if I dont need the bus. But its aggravating, because as Chris said this does nothing to stop their behavior. Its flight not fight and it would feel good to smack a fool when necessary! I was meeting my boyfriend once (white guy) and I was irritating because on the way I had been "hollered at" excessively so. Men on the street, in a store and even a bus driver. He was like...take the compliment, I like that other people think you're hot enough to hit on. It was clear he didnt get it and the more I tried to explain the more I sounded like a stuck up beauty queen lamenting that my looks were interrupting my life. UGH! anyway i like that Chris explained it in terms of control and over familiarity. Wish i had those words when I was talking to my former BF.

The first instance isn't street harassment, it was stalking!

Don't start getting involved in principles; your father has told you to get pepper spray so get pepper sray.

One of these freaks might actually try to touch you in which case things will escalate quickly and he has his cronies, you don't.

The whole post was troubling. 

I agree with this. I always carry my pepper spray. I feel much more confident when I have it with me, and I think that is projected because I'm not concerned about anyone who catcalls me. If they make the mistake of trying to come at me, I have no qualms about lighting them up and then stepping over them as they roll around on the ground and continuing on my way.

You may feel it's ridiculous to be armed, but if this is something you are constantly dealing with, it may be better to have a bottle of pepper spray handy when ignoring these fools is not enough. 

This post is timely. 

Another post that may be a little food for thought: http://glpiggy.net/2012/11/16/more-on-harassment-and-race/