Why Are We So %*@!ed Up? Demita Gives Us an Example.

Haven't posted here in a while, but I needed to speak up on the Out of Wedlock birthrate misinformation that was put up earlier. The over 70% rate is a MUCH valid statistic. Part of my job is gathering live birth statistics for the state. Last year, the state (medicaid) paid for 502 out of 557 births for African-American women. Among those women, 113 were married. The numbers are real,horrible, and embarrasing.

The same problems that effect North Philadelphia are present in porr black communities all over the country.

The BC is in crisis. Plain and simple. People are dying everyday in staggering numbers. One Hasidic boy in Brooklyn was killed and thousands filled the streets to mourn his loss, because violent murders are so rare. We are so used to the dysfunction in out communities we believe it to be normal.

It is not normal when murder is COMMON.

The graph shows 50 homicides by Feburary 2011 at that rate wouldn't it be hundreds by end of the year?. How many should it be for there to be alarm? These are human beings and this is not Baghdad.

A sense of doom because you feel the danger and also because of the sadness at the fact that people who look like you, live in these conditions in one of the richest countries in the world. When you see this with your own eyes you fear for the future, because honestly where can we go from here?

You believe life has gotten BETTER for black people???? Hmmmm OK

In some communities our grandmothers can't even walk the streets after 6pm.

I am kind of confused, what exactly do you feel doom about? Your physical safety? The north Philly community thriving or ever getting better or black people, the vast majority of whom have never been to North Philly, and therefore can't don't have anything to do with anything.

Concerning your post, you wrote that hundreds of young black men die every year in North Philly, yet the murder rate statistics don't show that hundreds die every year in North Philly. 1 murder is too much, but there is no need for exaggeration.

The things you describe are about poverty lack of jobs, education, not race, or at least not race in the way that you might be viewing it.

In terms of obesity, that's an American problem.

But what's the feeling of doom about, do you think things were better at some other time, do you think things are getting worse?

Just no this people have been predicting the "doom" of black people for a very very very long time. They have been wrong. And while I'd like to see a lot of things improved, things on the whole have gotten better and continue to get better for many black people.

People like that don't want to understand or analyze the real reasons, they just think what they want.

Story of my life...lol. Since my sisters and I were in elementary school we've been called Oreo, white girl, bougie, stuck up, saditty, really proper, where are you from? I'm blacker than you from non blacks, etc. And even now that I'm in college it hasn't fully stopped. A few cousins here and there referred to us as such but mostly from outside people. It was always something I laughed at, and never took to heart. I guess because my parents raised us with high expectations. Growing up we weren't allowed to use slang, and improper English, good grades were a requirement not a suggestion. Seriously we'd get spanked. My parents attitude was if we can come from Haiti and learn proper English dammit you guys will too. Lol we're thankful for it now. It doesn't bother me to hear this from people. It just makes me feel sorry for those of us who internally assosciate positive attributes with whites like as Blacks we can only do so much.

This one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard! I value education and I will do whatever I need to do to better myself by any means necessary. Someday when I have kids I want them to be able to look up to me as a strong black woman who achieved her dreams and if I'm a sell-out for that...so be it. Why should we look up and aspire to be mediocre? I believe we should applaud our young black men and women to aspiring to be more and dare to try to get out of the ghetto

Yvonne,

I went through some of the same split personality and self hate for a while. Thankfully, that stage didn't last me long, and I've been me without apologies ever since.

It is sad that when you start getting your ish together and being successful, your circle of black friends shrinks. Some of my family falls in line with the ignorant mentalities we face, and I don't talk to them much anymore. For the whittling of family that started when I got with hubby, it kept going as we married and I establish myself and we do things together. We've redone the house, I've bought a new car, we have vacations in the pipeline, and now I'm down to probably 10 good family members left that haven't shunned me. Oh well. I've worked my butt off to get what I have...stop being mad because you only dream of what I have.

The BC has to shake this mentality of acting/being/talking white. It's literally killing us...keep going, and we'll be damned near extinct.

I grew up for a great portion of my life being accused of such foolishness. I received that label just recently as a matter of fact and threw my hands up at the person and just walked away. I come from a family of educators and the emphasis was not so much about education but being able to articulate, have good manners and striving to be my best. It bothered me as a child but my mother just explained that they are the one's with the problem, not me. This is just plain ignorant, backwards thinking.

This topic also bothered me. Being in the same, younger, generation as a few of the posters here, I was raised to speak proper english. But I also "code-switch" frequently. Its like this, being from the Caribbean we have a different way of speaking, even from Black Americans. And speech *is* a part of culture. But my parents taught me that there is a time and place for everything. While using dialect at home was fine and dandy, they made damn sure that I knew how and *when* to use the Queen's English. Like in public, when doing interviews, it was even to the point that when I wanted to speak business or serious topics with them I had better be using proper grammar.

So I think its fine to use dialects, slang or whatever makes you feel comfortable in the home but business matters should be spoken in your business language! There is a time and place for everything.

I thought that striving for excellence was what it's all about! It was instilled in me from childhood that those who came before me paved the way with their blood, sweat, and tears so that I could achieve more than they did. They believed if the playing field was equal that black people could be just as successful as any other race.

Those of us that have tried to follow that path have had to deal with exactly what Demita mentioned: FEAR, ANGER, JEALOUSY, ENVY, and the CRABS IN THE BUCKET MENTALITY. The writer who argued otherwise clearly showed her ignorance.

I spent a lot of years living with a split-personality and hating myself for it. I finally decided that I will be my authentic self 24 hours a day. I make no apologies for my vocabulary and refuse to "dumb it down" for anyone. I worked hard, got an education and fully intend to reap the benefits of that hard work with God's grace and mercy.

Unfortunately, that has meant that my circle of black friends is very small. Overall, I think we've gotten so accustomed to the victim mentality that some see anyone's success in the BC as a betrayal rather than an example of what can be done if you put for the effort.

The "acting white" accusation has always confused me. I have never been accused of acting white (not to my face at least) and as a lawyer, I have been around ivy league educated black lawyers who would even accuse certain blacks of acting white. I think it's much deeper than being smart, speaking proper english, etc. because I have known too many black people with those qualities that are VERY accepted amongst all types of black people. On the flip side, I have seen a few black people that are accused of acting white and in my opinion it was never JUST about the level of education, values, etc. but more because the person just gave off "something" that screamed "i'm different" or "i'm better!" I can clearly remember tutoring in Cabrini Green and the kids took to me just fine while they accused the only another black tutor of acting white to his face. Shrugs.

Every race/nationality/group in the world, including blacks, have been groomed to believe that blacks are inferior, not suppose to have anything and are suppose to act in a certain indignant, stereotypical way. So...

...when members that belong to that race do NOT act in that fashion, it is because they are not normal (acting white-belief held by blacks) or they are snobby socialists (belief held by whites) or some other man-made contorted reasoning.

It won't ever change from both sides. I like what the first poster said. "Be the change you want to be."

Those of us who have a clue will have to unapolgetically ignore what everyone else thinks because everyone has an opinion and unfortunately they are entitled no matter how racist, self-hating, blissfully ignorant it may be.

You will spend all day arguing or defending common sense with those that are stuck on stupid.

Speaking about education, I was reading in my copy of "The Economist" (I'm a subscriber) about the Atlanta public schools being busted for cheating and/or fudging their students' standardized test scores.

Article here:

http://www.economist.com/node/18958685?story_id=18958685

My son has a speech impediment so he has to see the school speech therapist; one time because of work, I could not attend the parent-teacher conference so his father went instead. Well unfortunately his father stutters, so I guess his Speech teacher just assumed I spoke poor English as well; of course, she was new as the previous Speech teacher has left. She let slip when I went to the next report card pick-up and met her in person, "When I met Jonathan's father, I thought there might be some correlation, and I wasn't sure if you spoke well." Now I speak perfect English almost anally-so if you ask my man, so you can imagine my amusement at this heifer's assumption of my abilities, and then I walk in there with my bilingual (soon to be tri-lingual) self possessing a better grasp of the English language than her (and she's white).

Growing up, my parents expected my siblings and me to have proper decorum and to speak in standard English, with the exception of using patois, sometimes, when we were around family. They didn't expect or accept any less than a sense of discipline, respect for others, and polite behavior in our household. My mother wouldn't hesitate to correct us if she felt like we were behaving improperly. Heck, she even went so far as to correct my friends if they called our house and didn't display proper phone etiquette.

My parents were born and raised in Jamaica. My father never really had any positive role models in his life, growing up. After he graduated from high school, he started working for his father's bus company, even though he had the potential to do a lot of other things. My mother got pregnant with me in her early teens and had to drop out of high school. She went back to school in her thirties and became a LPN.

Although my parents did not take the traditional path of graduating from high school and immediately going to college, they still very much valued education. My father, especially, stressed to me the importance of taking education seriously and doing my best to excel in the classroom. If I got a poor grade in school, I got a lecture. He also wanted us to enjoy reading and to visit the library, regularly. If he saw me loafing around the house, he'd let me know to pick up a book or write or just to do something productive. One of things my father and I enjoyed doing together was watching Jeopardy.

At school, I was bullied for several reasons. I was bullied for being a "goody- two-shoes". I wouldn't have considered my self a goody-two-shoes, but I was raised to be polite and have manners, I displayed that behavior in school and obviously teachers like that behavior, so I never got reprimanded, unlike some of the other students. I was also teased because the mean, alpha female, queen bee black girls considered my complexion to be "high yellow" so some of them would call me yellow and make comments that I spoke and acted like I was white. The funny part was that a couple of them were "high yellow" so they were actually making fun of themselves by making fun of me. They also made fun of me for not wearing the latest fashion trends. A lot of them took pride in their fashion sense and having their hair relaxed regularly. My parents couldn't afford the latest fashions and my mother often braided my hair. They made fun of me for not having a relaxer, but they also envied me for having long hair. It's really a no win situation sometimes. During that time, I became a lot more self conscious about my appearance and the way I was perceived by these students. But I also recognized that I didn't have their mentality and I never would. I grew up differently and never really shared their values.

This question of "acting white" has carried on for far too long and can easily be solved as thus : STOP SEEKING VALIDATION FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

Boom.
That's it.

Well said Renee - in a few decades people will look back on this time and think this 'acting white' thing is moronic.
My wife goes to antique shows, as she collects black dolls, I have lost count of the time people assume she is doing it due to my influence. They could not understand what a black woman was doing - looking in a predominantly white environment - acting 'white'! I guess the thought police don't think black women value antiques.
Incidentally, I was also told this week, by a black male Gambian, that black women should not marry anybody, as marriage should be a 'white only' affair, as whites inflicted it upon blacks during slavery.
I argued with him of course but he stuck to his guns. However, I was encouraged when a Zambian woman told him he was being stupid and that his attitude is prompting more black women to look elsewhere for husbands.

Ah, the "actin white" meme. I used to get this sometimes in public school. My mom, grandmother, and great-aunt are all teachers so my cousins and I were raised to speak properly. They will not hesitate to correct your grammar. "behind the preposition at" is a phrase that is very well known in our family, lol. I remember in high school, I had people asking me why I didn't act like the other black kids, etc. I remember one guy said I was "anti-black." I just gave him a WTF face. Things are starting to change now, with more black kids embracing afro-punk and other alternative life-styles but it's still difficult. Once people finally understand that talking proper and being different isn't something white and that being black isn't some narrow hole everyone has to fit into, hopefully society will change too.

I'm 19 and I JUST broke free of the public school system not too long ago, at the ripe old age of 17. Pretty relevant topic! If I may add my two cents...and a bit of a monologue...

I had to deal with a class full of idiots who constantly acted like crabs in a bucket. My mostly-white suburban (ahem, Stepford) neighborhood was experiencing what was only the beginning of a strange flood of ghetto kids at the time, most without proper education or home training. As a result, they dragged our testing scores down, were disruptive in class, and made me cringe because I knew many people were lumping me in with them. It truly is a pain when you notice that a rise in people of color means the deterioration of the city. I think most of it was careless parents letting their kids roam, cause trouble in class, and get into trouble.

I was in my district's gifted and talented program until 6th grade, and in the program they have buses that take GT kids to a special school once a week where they can actually be challenged. I highly recommend that school districts adopt some kind of program like this. It let me see it's okay to be intellectual, and it put me around like-minded people so I knew I wasn't a freak.

Hoo, boy. It sure did piss off my "regular" classmates, though! GT kids didn't have to do their regular work for the day once the bus dropped them back off at their regular campus. So much jealousy. I was constantly a target of a particular group of classmates. They'd hurl insults on a regular basis (ugly, stupid, "you're acting white", "why do you use big words", what have you), and I remember them "pretending" to jump me once until I fought them off...

Regardless, I'd say we need to go after the parents first. They're the ones cranking out the little nitwits with single-digit IQs in the first place, and it's their job to instill a hunger for knowledge in their dim-witted offspring. Damn it, I don't want them pissing in my gene pool. What makes me mad is they're acting stupid when they have so much more potential. They need to be held up to a higher standard than just "passing". I say incorporate a strict system with a curriculum that requires parents to participate from the early years. That way, learning and intellect is seen as acceptable from the get-go.

You know why Japan doesn't have this problem? They don't make excuses like "he must have a learning disorder" or "those tests are biased" when little Kyohei or little Anri brings home straight D's, they smack him over the head and go over the work with him until he brings home better grades! And without cheating! They don't have "junk TV" over there where they portray their own people in a negative light, making idiocy cool. They shame people who refuse to be a productive member of society, and berate those who don't appreciate wisdom or learning. Somehow, we need to implement that here in the 'states.

There are multiple reasons why the black community is in complete and utter chaos. The reason why all of the conditions and attitudes that were already mentioned up above exist is because of "JEALOUSY AND SELF-HATRED". The "CRABS IN A BARREL" mentality is very real. This is most unfortunate and holds blacks back a lot. The main reason is the breakdown of the family unit or family structure. There is no father in the household. Sometimes there is no mother in the household. Drugs and prison are sometimes why there is no parent in the home. Many children are being raised by grandparents, foster home, group home or juvenile incarceration center/home. Sometimes if the mother is in the home, it is only part-time because she is too busy up in the club "dropping it like it's hot". The bottom line is, these conditions and attitudes exist because of a lack of MORALS, ETHICS, PRINCIPALS, CHARACTER, FAMILY VALUES AND INTEGRITY!!!!!!!

*Coming out of Lurkdom*

It is a sad state of affairs indeed! I have a 14 year old son and when he was 5 or 6 his paternal grandmother asked me why I had him "sounding like a white boy-all proper". What!! His father's family is of the mindset that if you speak proper English, don't curse, go to school or even work then you are trying to "act white". They have accused me of acting white was well. Sadly this is a huge problem in the BC and one I don't see changing anytime soon if the mindset does not change.

I had to limit my son's visits to that side of the family (father included) because the environment is so toxic and it is my job as his parent to make sure he is exposed to as much positive people regardless of race as possible. He knows that I do not accept mediocre grades nor do I tolerate too much slang spoken in my house. As a parent I have to set the standard for him and I think too many parents in the BC don't do it enough IMO.

**Chris long time reader and have to say I have learned a lot from you and the people that post here on a regular basis!!

When did some AAs begin to think that speaking well and getting good grades was acting White?

Not during slavery when AAs who learned to read (and those who taught them to read) could be severely punished.

Not during the Jim Crow era when AAs started their own educational institutions (including Howard University, which I attended).

So when did this backward thinking begin? Sounds like a recent invention of those stuck (and wanting to stay) in the ghetto. For millions of AAs speaking well and living well is our way of life. It's who we are. It has nothing to do with trying to act White -- whatever the hell that means.

Your basic premise is flawed. There is zero statistical proof concerning black people and your assertions. So the whole conversation is largely irrelevant because it doesn't actually have anything to do with black people.

The issue is what you believe about black people. People see what they want to see and oftentimes ignore reality. If you really want to get rid of this feeling of doom, if I were you I'd start by seeking out thinking that debunks your beliefs about black people. Read those ideas with an open mind and many of your beliefs about black people will change