Gender Conflict

How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

I’m the type of female that listens with her Spidey sense when it comes to men attempting to state their case on why I should consider them a formidable suitor. And considering that this is a dating website, I’ll presume that you folks would love to determine who is and is not a good fit for you as well. I take in any number of visual cues to determine if I should give this man any further attention, and maybe we do move on to the conversational part of getting to know each other but nothing puts me on high alert quicker than a man who refers to himself as a “GOOD GUY’, in any variation or in any form.

“Well, TRJ, I’m just looking for a GOOD GUY, so if you don’t want him. I”ll have him….” And I’d have to explain to the children just why they might want to reconsider giving ‘that guy, you know, THE GOOD GUY, a chance.

When I think of GG’s the first thing that comes to mind is that many of them are complacent in the “Bad Guy” abuse experienced by many females. The GG is the guy that stood by and watched while you got taunted by mean boys. The GG is the guy that didn’t participate in the conversation about a certain girl’s reputation, he only stood by and listened and tried not to laugh. The GG is the guy that guy that will not refuse your request for help when you see him, see you, struggling with groceries but he would have crept by if you hadn’t seen him; and you know this. 

In other words, the GG is the guy who was around the abuse, but not a part of it. He’s the guy that ‘hears’ what the other guys say about females in their social circle. He’s the guy who is willing to do man stuff if you make a special request that he don his cape and come to your rescue.

The GG is a passive participant, he’s an accessory to the crimes against females. But he won’t put himself at the mercy of other men to challenge their behavior. The GG won’t risk the benefit of his staying under the ‘man’ radar and not rocking the boat because it does not directly benefit him. The GG is actually not driven to save, or rescue or protect; the GG is waiting to be invited into female adoration because he is the default type of man. He’s not THEM; he’s HIM, which isn’t THEM, so won’t a woman be happy with that?

Another annoying habit of the GG crew is their tunnel vision and disregard for the needs of others. GG’s are so busy trying to make their romanticized version of masculinity a reality that they neglect to notice the women around them as actual human participants. GG’s insist they are good for you (or to you) even if you disagree.

A man who wants to please me, will give me what I want, at least enough to let me know that what I want is important and that he’s attentive to my needs. A GG will take me to a place of his choice, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but there will be no concern for whether I am pleased with it or not. A GG will blank out when it comes to taking your needs/wants into consideration while they make a GOOD decision for you, you should just shut up and deal with it, and be happy that someone cares enough to provide you with something. You’re so ungrateful! So what if you told him you were allergic to shell fish, how was he supposed to remember that, plus he always, always, always wanted to take a beautiful woman to this restaurant. Can’t you just hold your breath long enough for the sun to set on the river so you don’t ruin the moment?

This facet is closely related to the fact that GG’s resent you for not thinking they’re the “Good Guys” that they believe themselves to be. So not only are you stuck with what was given to you, you now have to deal with a passive aggressive wimp of a man as he sorts out his feelings of frustration.

A healthy response would be to try to remedy the situation with an alternative, smooth things over by explaining the (honest) oversight, or he could even state that you SHOULD be more grateful because you’re doing too much right now. All three of those reactions allow a couple to process, deal and progress in the situation. A man that has his fantasy tarnished by the real life expectations of the woman he is with has to take a mental time out to revert back to what part of his fairy tale he overlooked. When he decides there will be a fault, it will always be YOUR fault. His ideals are great. His resources are satisfactory (to him). His idea of how things should go sound perfect to him, so the only one who is wrong here will be…….guess who?

Yeah, you.

GG’s are often wolves in sheep’s clothing and by that I mean they are men (genitalia) and they want their men ‘rights’ to be respected, which is code word for the right to dictate to women what women should think, feel and how they should behave. Remember what you just read about their ideal situations having been plotted out in their heads? Yeah, that’s real, and the roadmap to their success has been molded by some example of what a woman is. It could be his dear mother, or it could be his neighbor’s wife, it could be exaggerated stories he heard other men tell each other, my point is this: his ideal of what you should be as a woman has nothing to do with you as a person.

Your job is to be what and who he wants you to be so everything can progress according to his plan; he’s got man stuff do get to and the longer you hesitate by having options, desires and expectations, the longer it will be before you are barefoot and pregnant.

Chop, chop, now.

And last but not least, any man that has to put forth his own self appointed ‘Good Guy’ status doesn’t realize that a good guy is much more than a guy that provides things and services in exchange for female companionship (and I mean that is the barest terms). A guy that is good for you is not out promoting his place and complaining to anyone who will listen that he’s being picked over in favor of others. A guy that is good will have had relationships that didn’t work out and he will take responsibility for some of what went right, and wrong. A guy that is good has had and learned from his mistakes and triumphs, and he’s willing to give it a try again, maybe with you.

A guy who is good for a woman is good for her because he fits into her life path. A guy who is good for a woman is good because he compliments her existence, he’s good for her and to her. He provides, while also maintaining the willingness to see what it is that she will reward him with as he progresses in her good graces. A guy who is good for a woman (and smart) knows who he is, and chooses a mate based on WHO SHE IS, and who they can become together. A guy who is good is like a piece of a puzzle, he simply and quietly fits, whereas, a GOOD GUY will attempt to make something out of nothing using nails and a hammer, shear force.

A self proclaimed ‘good guy’ is not capable of the type of empathy and awareness for others; this is what separates a guy that’s good for you from a good guy. “Good guys” are on the outskirts, they are whining little boys on the sidelines that hope some poor girl will trip and fall into his arms and be unwilling (or unable) to run away from him.

Good Guys are your mail order bride customers, your regular purveyors of hourly rate FWB, the guys who place ad after ad looking for a chance at meeting that special someone on Craigslist.

So the next time you meet a man that describes himself as a “GOOD GUY” ask yourself if you’d be happy with a man who makes you miserable while constantly being annoyed that you aren’t either just like his mother, or just like that nice girl he ‘dated’ every Friday night on payday?

Keep searching for that guy who is good for you and to you and I promise you won’t go wrong.

The Good Guys, indeed, do need to be loved, and that’s what they’re mothers are for.

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