A boatload of you asked me to address the letter published in Essence.com from a black woman who alleged that her white husband called her racial slurs during sex. Many of you thought the letter was a complete fake, manufactured with every known cliche thrown at black women in order to preclude them from dating out. Let’s review it, shall we?
My man keeps calling me a “nigger bitch” during sex and I hate it.
I have been married for a year and I am at my wit’s end. My investment banker husband is from a White old money family. I am a first generation Black-American woman whose family is from the island of Jamaica. We met at a reunion for the ivy league school we both attended, and he proposed in six months.
We have the picture perfect fantasy life. He wines and dines me and we travel and shop the globe. Unlike all of the Black men I dated in the past, my husband is generous, loyal, committed and considerate. He courted me and I never have to pay for anything. He said I could quit my job and I did. He makes me feel like a woman.
I am a little embarrassed to share our problem. The first time he let the n-word drop was during sex on our honeymoon. When I reacted negatively, he explained that a Black woman he dated in the past enjoyed being called racial slurs. Another time he joked that he had purchased my freedom. He also speculated about whether his family could have owned mine because I have “good hair.” Then he made jokes about my pubic hair. He called it my “negro bush” and referred to himself as a “nigger lover.” He says I am being overly sensitive because he loves me to death and should get a “Black pass” for marrying me.
I told him that I don’t appreciate these comments and he says that my friends and family probably use the n-word all the time. He also asked why Black people can use the word and he cannot. I don’t use the word or believe in the nigga/nigger differentiation. Neither does my family. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about this because I know they might say: “That’s what she gets for marrying a White man.”
Every time we try having sex again, the slurs fly. Our sex life is pretty much over right now because I pretend to be asleep every time my sexy, handsome man wants to be with me. I feel completely turned off. I love my husband deeply so please don’t tell me to leave him because that’s not what I want to do.
My husband was my first interracial relationship. Please tell me racial slurs aren’t normal between interracial couples? I would like to figure this out before we have kids but I can’t afford to leave him and still maintain my lifestyle.
How can I regain my sexual attraction for my husband?
Black and Proud
Many of us thought this note was an affront to people in interracial relationships and thought that this was a thinly-veiled attempt to thwart people transcending race to find love–especially black women. It could be. But, it could also be 100% real. That’s the risk you take when you lend advice via email letters–you can never truly know who’s on the other end. I know this from personal experience, as I get advice letters myself almost daily. That’s why I wanted to address it here with the responder of the letter, Abiola Abrams along with Mollena Williams, who was quoted as a source.
I want to again reiterate that Abiola Abrams has been nothing but supportive of black women finding interracial love. She’s also been a supporter of this blog and the book. I appreciate her taking the time (and risk) of further explaining this here.