Portrait of a cheerful young african american woman pointing fingers
Before your read the letter of this woman, I want to discuss a phenomenon I often witness, when a certain group of black folks sour about black women having interracial relationships delighting when they get dogged out or played by a white man. The often follow a typical mocking tone, followed by maniacal laughter and say, “See! All white men want from you is sex! When they’re done with you they’ll go to the white women they really want!!”
They say these things, and totally over look the legions of black men who drag and dog black women as actual CAREERS, and conveniently ignore the 73% out-of-wedlock rate that clearly shows that it’s not exactly like black men are a marrying us in droves either, and stubbornly put their fingers in their ears when you mention that black men date and marry non-black women at twice the rate of black women and have absolutely no compunction whatsoever about “committing genocide” via the mixing of their baby batter with white women.
So…why is that? Hold that thought until after you read this letter.
I am a 47 year old black woman and fairly attractive (see attached picture with my daughter). I’m in the legal field, with a mountain of degrees (never going back to school!). I have a young adult daughter for a man who fled on me after years together. I have spent the better part of my adult life dating black men who had me holding on for years, and since I was a single mother, regardless of how smart I was, they had me convinced that they were doing me a favor by gracing me with their company. There were empty promises made and broken, and I started wondering what was wrong with me. I thought that I had prepared myself for being a good wife and mother one day. I’ve always wanted lots of kids (unfortunately, it’s too late for that). I’m a fantastic cook, keep a meticulous home, work hard, am very feminine, and was raised in the old school way where women could submit because they had real men who were real providers.
I started dating a Caucasian man a few years ago. At first, everything was wonderful. He was such a gentleman (so it appeared). He literally swept me off of my feet. When we would go places and I would run into black men that I knew, there was palpable disdain, and they had no trouble hiding it. I was turned down for jobs once people knew, and I went a few years unable to find employment while I took care of sick family. After five years of my life, this man decided that I wasn’t the one, so he slowly started pulling away and when I looked around, he had married someone else (another black woman). I was devastated and angry at all men. I literally stopped dating for a long time, and during that time, some of my old black boyfriends tried to wiggle back in. I think men have a radar that tells them when you might be vulnerable. One in particular went in on me in the youtube style, making generalized comments about black women, about how no man with anything wants a woman with a kid, no matter how accomplished, black women are this, black women are that, white men just want to sleep with us and why would any man want a woman her own men don’t want…Mind you, he’s a very successful, attractive man in his 40’s and has never been married. After a year of listening to him, I couldn’t take it anymore and just stopped answering the phone. At my age, I was confused as to where this whole philosophy was coming from because I’ve never been a real youtube lover. So I got on and typed in the search terms “black women” and “dating” and “marriage”. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. I would start listening to a black man, subscribe, and then have the floodgates of hate wash over me, as I read comment after comment about black women from black men, all negative of course.
With my past experience with a white man and the vitriol I got from a lot of people (I live in the South), I was reluctant to go that route, until I came across your channel on youtube. I then had an epiphany. I realized that while I gave black men chances all my life and they all really hurt me, I was writing off other races of men based on what just one man did. Oh, all of my family and friends laughed when they found out what had happened to my white boyfriend, and yes, I was humiliated, but did it really matter the color of the man who hurt me? I didn’t write off all black men, so why should I be angry with white men?
Before that, I had subscribed to some online dating sites, but I quickly discovered that the black men who might be quality and matched me in education and accomplishments (and even a lot of them who didn’t) weren’t interested. They ALL wanted white, Latina, or Asian women. I started to believe that perhaps one of my exes was right, that I was too old and too polluted from being a single mother. I listened intently to what you were saying and decided to give your dating site a try.
And that’s when I realized that it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough. I just wasn’t completely open to all men. Within 1 hour of signing up, I was literally BOMBARDED with men from all over the place, messaging, texting, flirting. I had never experienced anything like that in my life! I was trying to communicate with everyone but my hands couldn’t type fast enough and I was starting to get confused about who to message next. I was up way later than I normally am, talking and chatting with men. It was a really good feeling.
Of course, there were a few black guys who tried to contact me, but I noticed that they were all way less accomplished and less visually appealing. That made me think about when I heard you talking about how a lot of these bitter men who hate black women really do want us, but on their own terms. I had spent my life thinking that I couldn’t really do any better because that was what I was told, but having such a variety actually gave me the freedom and the confidence to be selective.
I said all of that to say that I have a lot of interesting prospects now. I don’t know where any of them are going to go, but at least I am giving myself a real chance to be happy. Thank you for your channel, your blog, and all of the things you do to make black women who have never believed it feel desirable.