Carrie: “Ulterior Motives: Are We Dating Interracially to Escape?”

dating, romance, intimacy, sociopaths, sex, vetting,

By Carrie Thompson

I lost my virginity to an 18-year-old white male named Tyler. Sick of being a virgin, I wanted to experience what the grapevine was wailing about. Tyler was one of those white guys who is not truly white by African American standards. He unraveled his Dutch Masters while listening to Mobb Deep, we kids reference a pejorative: wigger. It didn’t matter what people said, my black male counterparts were getting ‘it’ with anyone they could, so who were any of us to judge? High school summers were all about getting busy.

This cold Los Angeles winter fifteen years later, getting busy is still the first thing on our minds but the last dish on the menu. A self-respecting and ambitious woman would never be sleeping with a man based on his acceptance in her inner circle, or would she?

In 2011 the University of Massachusetts Black Student Union held a town hall type discussion on interracial dating. The majority of the discussion morphed into the subjective view of peer and cultural approval (Asefa, 2011).

A young Korean male voiced his view of Caucasian males and Asian women uniting, the second most popular interracial marriage profile in America according to U.S. Census data. This particular student narrowly advocated the female need to escape the Domestic abuse ever present in East Asian homes that is quite mundane.

A black female student vies with the Korean advocate of interracial dating, citing empirical evidence that her community is devoid of cultural honor and interracial dating is another symptom of the worship of beauty outside our community.

Spectating from behind a screen, what arose in my mind: both arguments are factual and support the basic emotional needs of every human, a safe home and a community that has edifies its own. It seems that both groups feel that need to escape from what each demographic accepts as acceptable. Plenty of black women have even named this epidemic of the black community’s deplorable value system as “blackistan.”

Now, I may only carry this prose further subjectively as a black woman who has only dated interracially her entire life. I have slept with four black men but if I told you my ‘number’ you’d be tallying a fraction with a decimal in its numerator.

Back to the topic, I wonder if certain people date interracially solely to escape ‘blackistan’ or East Asia, true genuine attraction taking the backseat? Of course this happens and I’m sure it’s been happening for longer than I’ve been alive. If this is the

way of the growing acceptance of all interracial dating we have no idea what love is can no more shame the black community for its shattered state.

Soaring attraction to white males does not descend attraction to black men. My disenchantment with the black man is solely based on what I’ve witnessed in my life and the life of those I know. Upbringing does play a factor as well; I was raised in a mixed community of military branches and high intelligence government sectors. My personal core values do not align with everything my peers would agree with. I am anti-ignorant would like to adopt a start snitching campaign.

Attraction is physical only momentarily, but since most sane people don’t spend their decades on earth have year long sex sessions, what lies between the ears is the genuine test of longevity. Advocating arts, sciences, business, and classical creativity is something that I find honorable. Thousands of black males hold these core values true, but none that I have crossed paths with and are single and particularly interested in me.

A third university student, a black male who had given up on the thought of love with a black woman, blames a multitude of personality and situational negatives that he deems deal breakers. He cites the typical: loud, angry, full of baggage (children), and jealous episodes. As I continued to read he seemed to strike me as a young man who never takes responsibility for making the women he’s dated feel any of these emotions. But his last thought resonated with me, “a lack of humility.” This is a morally correct deterrent for anyone. I do not agree that all black women fit this description but we all know a few or more than.

If I were at this town hall talk I would be forced to interrupt, ripping the talking stick from grasp. Not a single person here has felt what it’s like to be truly loved by someone unlike you physically. A magnetic attraction so strong and bright it burns white hot. That’s what I feel inside when hear a white man complement my deep skin and full lips.

The men I gravitate to are for me. Done being boys and seek loyalty unmatched. That is what black women provide to all human beings. We are the mothers of this earth and deserve that kind a full, wholesome, unconditional love that isn’t being equally distributed by the men of our race. I’m not jealous about it. You simply cannot help whom you love, but you do have power over whom you give your time to.

In sum, I just want this piece to pose a simple rule moving forward in all relationships platonic or otherwise. Whether you’re perpetually single, newly single, or unhappy where you’re at. Engage based on intellect and chemistry, not based on how society will perceive or what a relationship will remove you from. There is a lack of humility, especially in the dating scene and worldwide. Be the change you seek.


1. “Interracial Dating” [Online Publication by The Center of Multicultural Advancement and Student Success for The University of Massachusetts Amherst]. (2011) Retrieved January 3, 2015, from

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