When You Don’t Fit Into the “Black Girl Archetype…”

We’re having some seriously amazing discussions in our Pink Pill secret Facebook group. And while we’re sworn to silence by pain of a lawsuit, one woman did share something in the group that she agreed to allow me to pass along. Conversations like these need to happen, and black women who think differently need to know they’re not alone.

From “R”

I have now been married for 9 yrs to my European love. Liking white boys and bands like Duran Duran since I was a kid, my black card was revoked a long time ago. I was NOT considered the most attractive girl in my family either. In fact, I was considered goofy, corny, and whitewashed. I didn’t wear the weaves, nails, ho outfits, and other blakistan stuff. In short, I was considered undesirable by black men and most black women didn’t want to know me. But… here I am now, the only one in my family’s generation of women who is married to a loving, high net worth man, with a nice big home, a beautiful child and very comfortable financially.

I often reflect on this. Though I’ve felt largely rejected by my own people over the years, I never fell for the notion that l wasn’t good enough for good men or good things in my life. I wouldn’t say I have all the “class” in the world (that’s why I’m here, Lol!), but I do like to travel, learn about other cultures, and don’t consider bettering myself a betrayal of my blackness.

A younger cousin admitted that I seem to have gotten it right by not falling for the bullshit and staying true to myself. I opened up to her recently about not always feeling very pretty among other women who constantly kept their hair slayed, waists tight, nails polished and stilettos rockin. She replied that I didn’t need to change a thing about me because men didn’t marry women like that anyway. That blew my mind! However, she was mainly talking about herself. Her baby’s dad proposed in the past, but now won’t marry her. These are for reasons unknown or just between them. But unfortunately I notice that as gorgeous as she is, she dresses kinda “ho”-ish, smokes a lot of weed, does the club thing even in her thirties, and keeps messing around with her baby daddy even tho he’ll never marry her. I guess after she had his child he figured, “Why invest now?”

Though me and all my close cousins have children, I am the only one who is married to the father and part of a stable family. That is shocking to me! They would all benefit from having a dad in the picture. Sometimes they post on FB about the usual “no good men” struggle and I just feel gratitude for what I have. Nowadays they all look upon me with either respect or low key hate, and sometimes a bit of both. I’ve been accused in the past of “showing off” my white husband and biracial child at family gatherings, and being braggadocios with travel pics on social media. I notice these are same ones who don’t like my posts, but are definitely looking to see what I’m doing next. ?

I’ve put the feeling of shame for not fitting into the black girl archetype behind me. For all the slack I got growing up, my life turned out just fine. In fact, it feels like I somehow came out on top. Many black girls and women need to get their act together, pull and keep men of substance, and look upon themselves in a whole new light. We can begin by treating ourselves a lot better than the BC on a whole treats us. Why is every opportunity to express being different and explore things outside the black community seen as selling out? The Pink Pill course is necessary for all of us. It’s a charm school of sorts and I’m happy to be a part of it and possibly meet other women like me. I already have my man, but I’m here and ready to learn. If any of you have questions of what it’s like to already be married outside of your race, just go ahead and ask. I won’t hide anything from this group in particular. Honestly we’re all after something better, with more opportunities in love and in life.

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