Dating & Marrying Ethnic Men

Leona’s Love Quest, Part I: Making Love a Priority


Welcome to my quest for love! In last week’s introduction I explained how three books, Love in 90 Days by Diana Kirschner, PhD.,If I’m So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page and Find a Husband after 35 by Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., inspired me to jumpstart my search for true love. Step one in all three books is to assess my commitment to searching for true love like it was my job. Susan Page asserts in the first chapter of her book that most involuntary singles are either consciously or unconsciously ambivalent about what they truly want when they start searching for love. Some believe they want a relationship but they inadvertently or deliberately allow their career, their independence or a list of lame excuses to stand in their way. Completing a few exercises confirmed for me that this is the right time to believe in love (which is also the title a great Lisa Stansfield track that I’m making my theme song.) Apparently, my only real problem is that I haven’t found the right person yet. Page’s advice to the minority of non-ambivalent singles like me is:

To maintain your clarity in the face of a barrage of books, articles and well-wishers whose aim is to convince you that something else is wrong. . . Most books and articles directed at singles tell you either that there is something wrong with you for wanting a relationship and that you ought to be basking in the joys of singlehood, or that there is some pathological reason why you are still single. . .You must have enough faith in your convictions not to get sidetracked by these scenarios.

Amen to that, sister.

The best advice Greenwald gives for prioritizing love is to create a “love search” expense budget and to maximize your opportunities for mingling by making small adjustments to your everyday decisions. Go out for a cup of coffee somewhere new, take or take adult education classes or get involved in activities where there are likely to be a lot of men. You can always take that scrapbooking class after you’re married.

I cringed at first when Kirschner (who refers to herself as “Dr. D”) suggests devoting 10 to 13 hours a week to my quest, but after calculating the time I spend browsing Facebook, playing Words with Friends and watching TV, I wasn’t left with much of a defense.

My homework for week one of 90 days:

1. Say hello or ask for help to three new men a day. I thought this would be an easy task for me because I interact with the public almost daily and I have no qualms about striking up a conversation with just about anyone. I tried but most of the hotties I saw were either too busy fiddling with their cell phones or had been expertly trained by their girlfriends not to make eye contact. Page recommends that I carry or wear an obvious conversation piece. I have chosen my necklace with a large pendant of the zodiac sign for Cancer. It looks like the number “69” so it’s prone to getting a lot of comments and it’s also a good way to weed out the dirty creeps.

2. Sign up for two ongoing classes or activities that both interest me and are likely to attract a lot of men. The activity should be advanced if possible or have intense goals, like running a marathon. Also more difficult than I imagined. I began to realize just how much of a citified girly-girl I am. Once, an outdoorsy friend asked me what shoes I wore to go hiking and I literally laughed in her face. In fact, the most common activity I shared with my male friends was drinking, so I decided to start there. On there are several groups in my area dedicated to connoisseurs of wine, beer, single malt scotch, whiskey and bourbon all under the guise of networking. I also enjoy playing billiards even though I suck at it, but here was the perfect opportunity to improve my skills.

3. Find or create a fun event for this week that exposes you to a whole new network of people preferably with a lot of men. This week I am going to a pajama brunch. At this special event, the restaurant offers a half-price discount if you arrive in your pajamas. I’m not sure what the male to female ratio will be, but it definitely sounds like fun.

4. Continue online dating if I was currently doing so or check out one of the top U.S. dating sites. I was not looking forward to jumping back into these dud-infested waters. Ask anyone who has tried online dating and they will probably tell you about their worst horror story, but honestly most dates are just dull and disappointing. Online dating inherently creates unreasonably high expectations that can rarely be met. Conversely, I have also began some promising relationships this way with men who (I’ve come to learn) were simply more ambivalent in their desire to find true love than I was. Moreover, the books stress the importance of volume when operating my search and it’s hard to deny the abundance of available men I can find on internet dating sites. Thus, I reminded myself of my goals and my priorities, dipped into my “love search” budget and renewed my subscription to While I was at it, I created a new profile on to increase my opportunities for swirling.

I could go on and on about internet dating and I promise to return to this topic very soon. However, in my next entry I’ll be taking a good hard look at some of my self-defeating beliefs and behaviors that might finally explain some of the reasons why I am still single.

So, what do you think about the steps I have taken so far?


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