Question of the Week: “After Weeks of Online Dating, White Guy Finds Out I’m Black, Too Scared for Relationship”


Hi first of I want to state that i love your website. It is very encouraging for me
to date outside my comfort zone and appreciate different types of men.

Heres my interesting situation, I met a guy a month ago in a chat room. We hit it
off pretty well. I didnt expect to talk to him more than just that one night, but it
ended up being weeks of late night talking. Then the new semester of college came,
and I told him that I wouldnt be in the chat room as much so “have a nice life”. He
was really upset and persued me, annoyed me, begging me to give him my number. After being annoyed to death, I let him have my number. So we began texting and talking on the phone for weeks. Great easy conversation, laughs, cries all the emotions in between. He was really interested in taking me out for dinner, and he frequently discussed how he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

I was very hesitant because I am younger than he is, also I’ve never had a boyfriend so I was shy, etc. After over a month of talking hes never seen, he assumed because I attend a white college that I was white as well. One day, we had a talk and I mentioned that I was black. He was shocked, but he accepted it. We still talk and everything, but his future plans with me has changed. He told me that because of his circle, his family, and his friends that him and I could never be more than friends. I was heartbroken and upset becasue when he thought I was white he wanted the world with me, but now that he knew I was black he just wanted to only be friends.

I sent him pictures of myself (not X rated ones) , and he finds me attractive and beautiful. He still wants me to be in his life, but its very different from how he wanted me before. He doesn’t want to hurt me, so he believes we shouldnt even hang-out, due to the fear that he thinks I will get more emotionally attached. The real issue is we are very compatabile, its just he thinks his circle and the people in his town wouldn’t understand us being together. Other than that he likes me on all levels, and I the same with him. He himself has admitted to how stupid he feels for not being with me, because knows that if we were together we would be very happy. His ignorance, and pressure from him community scares him to not wanting to be with me. I am fine with just being friends but it hurts that it wont ever progress to anything more.

What should I do? Should I continue being his friend or should I drop him forever?
Should I give him and ultimatum or accept that me and him will only go as far as
being friends? -Thank You

Three words, chica: KEEP. IT. MOVING.

It makes me sad that you don’t know this answer already. Anyone who flips the script because he discovers your skin has too much melanin is a cowardly punk and you should not, can not, and BETTA NOT stay involved with him. He’s probably not a bad person, but he cares way too much what others think, and that’s a big no-no. In fact, I dedicate a whole entire chapter in Swirling about how to identify the characteristics of a man who isn’t too p*ssyfied to tell his friends and family to go suck an egg. It is not emotionally healthy FOR YOU to even be friends with this boy (yes, he’s a boy because he’s acting like one) who has displayed to you his true character, which, no matter how many other things you have in common, is not compatible with your own happiness. Chica, he relegated you into The Friend Zone because he discovered you were black! Gurl…lose his number and change your email. Life’s too short to run after anyone, of ANY race who doesn’t have the sense to see your worth.

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