Gender Conflict

And We Wonder Why More Non-Black Men Don’t Approach Us?

One of the main challenges I have as an advocate for black women in interracial relationships is that many of my readers say white men just don’t approach. They look, but rarely follow through. It’s my job to look at both sides of this issue, so I have to honest and say that many white men don’t approach for good reason.
Someone on my You Tube channel recently wrote this:

This happened over 14 years ago… I was talking to this girl and doing other things. I was walking her up to her house one day and I guess her dad found out that I was talking to her. (We where almost never seen together.) but he came out yelling at her, then followed with a back hand to her face, I tried to do something but he had his gun in my face and her brother and 3 cousins beat the shit out of me broke a rib and had me pretty bloody. Got my ass up and limped 3 miles back to my house and had to tell my folks. Not going to repeat the things said, but after that I would never do anything more then talk to a Black Woman. I’m from the south, Georgia in fact. And while 50 years ago that kind of thing happened to black men not so much then or at all today. But even today white men don’t talk to black women for a reason. Oh shit at the rage coming your way if you cross that line.
And then, just this morning I received this note:
Hello, Christelyn.

I’m a white guy and I love your site.  I just lurk, though, and don’t post on the comments, although I do read most of them on the articles I’ve found and poked through.

A little background on me: Years ago, about fifteen or so, I fell and fell hard for a black woman.  Well, I say woman, but I was 18 and she was 17, so we were really just kids.  Anyhow, I gave it an honest try, but she wouldn’t formally date me because she didn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t black because it was against her parents’ wishes (which I found somewhat hypocritical, because her mom was mixed race black/white).

I was crushed.  It was the first time I actually ever really ignored society and decided I wouldn’t limit myself based on what you’re “supposed” to do.  I don’t really know a better way to put that – my parents aren’t opposed to interracial relationships (“as long as he treats my daughter well/as long as you love her” were the only standards ever imposed on my sister and I as to who we should be with), although a few of my older relatives certainly are, as well as several of my cousins…it’s disheartening.

Having “given black girls a try” and finding only heartbreak, I wound up falling back into that pattern of only dating within my own ethnicity.  It wasn’t active exclusion, but more like not even considering the possibility.  No malice, but more of a, “Why bother?  It obviously doesn’t work.”  Opening myself back up to the idea wasn’t anything I considered for years.  Until recently – and reading your site has been a big part of that.

I had always seen black guys with white women and thought nothing of it.  You see white guys with Asians or Latin women.  That was normal.  You just don’t see black women with white men.  Ever.  I thought maybe I had something wrong with me because of what I found attractive.  That’s not to say I’m only attracted to black women, but it’s generally what I find a little more attractive from time to time. It’s sad that in 2014, I didn’t even know that that pairing was even really a thing.  A few google searches on a whim later (“black women dating white men” and the like), I found out how misinformed I really was.  Yes, I know about the fetishism of women of color as sex objects, but I’m fairly confident it isn’t that way for me.  (See: my heartbreaking tale of woe a few paragraphs up.)

It’s nice to see that young me wasn’t wrong about how he felt.  Who knows?  If young me hadn’t given up because of one bad experience, maybe I’d be married with kids instead of having a long string of failed relationships.

Anyhow, on to the aforementioned questions!  I do apologize if they’ve been answered somewhere before.  There’s a ton of content on the site, and I haven’t gone through it all, obviously.First off, reading your site, lots of the commenters use acronyms for darn near everything.  I’m not really into internet culture, so is there some sort of master list somewhere that can clue a guy in on what people mean?

Secondly, do you feel it’s common for potential pairings to be killed off due to familial pressure to only date within ones own ethnicity?

Finally, while I am giving the online dating thing a shot, and I have dated a few women, both black and white, I am somewhat old fashioned and wouldn’t mind meeting someone the regular way if I can.  Even though there are two black people in my close inner circle of friends, they aren’t going to be much help.  One is a flight attendant and because of work, she is based 1,300 miles away.  The other was adopted by a white family as a baby and he runs in even whiter circles than I do.  I’m in my 30s, not still in college, so it’s difficult to even know where to go.  At my job, I work with a bunch of older married people.  I’m not just going to waltz into a black church, either, because I’d stick out like a sore thumb, and I’m not sure my presence would even be welcome.  I’m over the bar/club thing.  What types of places might you suggest I go?  Actually, I think I answered this one for myself when I realized what a lame question it was – just do what you enjoy and keep an open mind/heart no matter what color she is.


The fact is, many white men don’t approach, not because they’re all wimpy or not interested. Some are generally wary of getting their hearts broken and well as other body parts, like ribs! Conversely, black women suffer from social consequences when dating non-black men, because some black men believe they have dominion over black women’s minds and bodies. I’ve read some fathers and brothers of black women interracial dating being especially vicious, and would rather see them regulated to being a black man’s “baby mama” than a white man’s wife.

There are no hard solutions for these rifts, but that’s why communities like Beyond Black & White are so important.
REMINDER: Tonight we’re having our second LIVE Google Hangout discussion group, and we’re covering online dating (7PM PST/10PM EST). If you haven’t yet joined the group, request entry here. You must have a Google+ account to participate.


Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.