Got this note from a girl last night…
Hi Christelyn, My name is “Sammy” (not her real name). I recently subscribed to your channel. Im a 15 yr old black female. I do consider myself very bright and outgoing. I take challenging ap and dual enrollment classes. I mostly take interest older white men.(typically 26-50) Yes MEN. Not that I dont like boys my age, I just have a strong attraction towards older men. Instead of gazing at the boys, im drooling over the teachers. I do have a father in my life, although growing up, Its been more than clear that my mother has done most of the work in our lives. Buying clothes, paying bills, and food. We never really had a typical father daughter relationship depicted in tv land. Our relationship is just there. I do seem to like boys my age but they dont seem interested it black girls, they seem to just make a mockery of us and our culture. (Using culture in the context of a way of living.) So just seeing all of that, Ive become numb to dating or liking guys my age and have sticked to lusting over older men. Is there something wrong with this? Please get back to me.
This letter is disturbing to me on several levels, Sammy. I have a daughter who is almost 17 years-old, and while she is mature and poised for her age, I would never accept her seeing a grown man in his twenties, let alone his fifties! He’d be under the jail if he was still drawing breath. Listen honey, I know you probably think you’re an “old soul” and seem to be more attracted and can relate to older men, but that’s a false reality in which I’ll explain in a moment.
At 15, you’ve just begun your path to adulthood. You’re still in puberty and your brain is not fully developed. You are not yet a fully actualized person that knows the world or has experienced many events that a man of 26+ has already done. What is more, any quality man from 26-50 will never touch you. It could mean jail time, a wrap sheet as a sex offender, and a loss of livelihood. I would go so far to say that any older man interested in you with full knowledge of your age will be a danger to you.
Now is the time for me to shrink your head. You mention that your father is around, but is very disconnected from you–almost as if he’s not there at all. I suspect your desire for older men is your mind’s way of reconciling and healing your hurt over your father not being fully plugged into your life.
Now when you’re of age (over 18) you can legally date any man in the age range you prefer, but even then, chances are the a man who seeks out a girl a decade or more younger than her in the crucial early years of adulthood may have problems relating to women his own age, because of some deficit in his character or maturity level.
You also need to get some healing. Your heart is hungry of the warm and love of a father, and many girls in your situation are willing to swap a sexual relationship with a man to achieve that end, even for a fleeting moment. It’s very important that you talk to someone in your circle you can trust. Doesn’t have to be your mom, but perhaps a trusted adult, like a teacher, aunt, or family friend. Whatever you do, don’t keep this to yourself. But I don’t want you to be in the position for being attacked for your feelings. You are completely innocent, and just trying to figure this life thing out.
Be well, and know this community is concerned about you.