Attention, Lurkers! Open Mic Question of the Week!!

TTHOOM OMG! I'm not the only one who hasn't been in a long-term relationship and I'm over 30...

TTHOOM

Assuming you seriously want love:

Just adjust your target group to women with a similar background, don't try for experienced women. Awkward+awkward matches can be good. Be flexible about her appearance.

And find out what put you in this situation and try to fix it. Don't be afraid of counseling.

My latest conversation: ForumPress

Hi Brandon, welcome to the board. I would just tell you to be yourself. You're in school, so you're in a prime position to find young ladies to reach out to in class or project groups. If you're a shy guy, work on being friendly until both you feel comfortable in taking it to the next level. Oh. And get a shirt that says, "I Love Black Chicks" lol ;-) BrandonPilcher

Christelyn I'm not shy at all. In fact, my parents claim that I have the opposite problem, namely that I'm too upfront and assertive towards women when I should take it easy.

Should I join a Black Student Club? I might have an easier time finding BW there, but then I worry that they won't accept a white guy who simply wants to meet women.

Really have to have a legit interest in Black issues to do that, otherwise you are just appropriating a space not meant for you. Go for naturally integrated groups, do some research. BrandonPilcher Christelyn

My latest conversation: ForumPress

BrandonPilcherChristelyn Definitely do not do that.

I think that if you join such a club, you have to has a SINCERE interest in the issues. If the members know you are sincere, chances are they will accept you as one of their own. BrandonPilcher

LOL you beat me to it, Bill! lol Aabaakawad BrandonPilcher

BrandonPilcherChristelyn

"I'm not shy at all. In fact, my parents claim that I have the opposite problem, namely that I'm too upfront and assertive towards women when I should take it easy."

That is good advice. Listen to your parents.

"Should I join a Black Student Club?"

No way in hell should you do that it will not end well for you if you do.

"I might have an easier time finding BW there,"

On the face of it that would make perfect sense. You will find BW there. It is concrete and logical to think that way but it is wrong. You will find black women at a black student club Its just you won't find the ones interested in dating a white guy and in addition you will have to deal with all the black guys who may have a problem with a white guy who comes on too strong trying to talk to black woman while in their presence. This will end badly for you so Don't Go there.

"but then I worry that they won't accept a white guy who simply wants to meet women."

You are right to think that. In fact you can take that to the bank it is such a sure thing.

BrandonPilcher

the same as dating any other sort of woman....just talk to her and if she seems friendly & receptive then ask her out.

BrandonPilcher Hmm, I don't think that is coming on too strong. I rather that, but then again I'm a pretty direct person. I appreciate someone saying "I find you (insert compliment here) do you want (insert activity/place) here or is there a way I can keep in contact with you."

BrandonPilcher

"I really want a black girlfriend"

I have to say that that is very direct and uncomplicated. I am afraid that matters of the heart are often times anything but. With romance there is a lot of nuance and subtlety to be successful at it a person needs to be able to pick up and interpret the cues to negotiate this successfully.

", but not only do I have trouble finding one (black people are few and far between here at UCSD), but I don't know how to talk to them and tell them I'm interested"

Hate to break it to you but if the type of woman you are seeking is as scarce as hens teeth where you are it may not be in the cards. You will have to change your situation to improve your odds of meeting the kind of woman you want.

If you do not know how to talk to a woman you are interested in. Whats more if you are not able to talk to her and communicate that you are interested she is going to have a hard time communicating with you to let you know if she is interested in you.

"I wish I could simply say to a black woman after meeting her that I find her attractive and want to go out with her, but supposedly that's "coming on too strong".

No supposedly. It is coming on too strong and most women will freak if you do that.

"How do you tell women you want to date them?"

What you want to do after meeting a woman is see if she would like to talk to you again. You need to be able to pick up cues from her that she is interested in talking to you again. She may or may not want you to talk to her again. If not leave her alone and move on. If she does then that is why you try to get some way of continuing communicating with her. That means trying to get her phone number or e-mail of something.

No woman is under any obligation to give you her contact information however so do not press it. If she politely say no I do not want to give you my phone number or e-mail then just drop it, leave her alone and move on.

BrandonPilcher OK, guy, then go over to San Diego State University, which is crawling with dusky maidens - meet up with someone in the library or student union, but keep it low key - have a Coke together - or the old standby, offer to carry her backpack or books for a few hundred yards - open doors for her - hold her coat - act courtly - don't chatter out of nervousness - no touching, of course.

If ya try to join a black group, you'll be eaten alive - think of an evangelical Christian trying to get chummy with an Islamic radical organization - get the picture?

Oh, yeah, if you're Aspergers, as I suspect, join an Asperger's support group, soonest - preferably off campus - you'll have to learn by rote what the rest of the world seems to instinctively know - trust me on this!

SirLoinDeBeefBrandonPilcher How did you find out that I had Asperger's?

BrandonPilcher Brandon, it 'sticks out' in your writing content - everything concrete and direct-ahead approach - FYI, guy, it takes one to know one - except that the diagnosis didn't exist back 50 years ago.

That said, I'm curious - you're on the UCSD campus (hell, I grew up in San Diego, from the 50's - lived on Point Loma & had my 1st apartment off El Cajon Blvd, about 58th St.) - this is high-octane intellect territory - heavily competitive, with the best minds around the area.

If your avatar-picture is of you, then ya need to consider something of a make-over - simply put, as presented, ya look scary to girls - the direct stare, for prolonged eye contact, comes off as "serial killer lying in wait".

Again, let me emphasize - find an Asperger's support group, OFF-CAMPUS (people on- or around-campus gossip!)

How about joining a partially off-the-wall club, such as The Society For Creative Anachronism - ya get to run around in Medieval garb - say foolish stuff - carry a sword - etc. - then, if ya get too direct, all ya got to consider is a sword fight with wood batons - learn to brew beer (wine's too much trouble) - learn to recite the alphabet on one belch.

OK, 'nuff!

SirLoinDeBeef As a matter of fact, I have joined an aspie group very recently. They start meeting next Monday.

Really? What's the link? Tiffany315

Christelyn My FB page? It's https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1559599343

Tiffany315 Hmm...is this a personal page or a blog "like" page that would be open?

I posted in the wrong forum again. See how my computer does?

Thank you for the answers!

Yes it has happened to me. There are many men who just sit by and stick their toes in the water. Then you have the take charge type. I prefer the latter. I would suggest you continue being who you are. If this guy is interested let him make the first move. Men seem to have a different set of rules than women do. Regardless of what they say, many do not like a woman approach them first.

kiki100

Thank you!

Bellatrix79 Sometimes, I have a hard time telling whether a guy is interested or just being polite. I usually just get a feeling when someone is just being polite vs. actually enjoying spending time with me. I don't know if there is anything specific thing to look for (If there is I'm sure there are blogs and books, maybe this should be a blog post with some interviews to see how men show interest). Maybe, if he holds your gaze a little longer than usual when you do talk. He could be interested. (Any guys here that think this is true, or I am making this up?) I just depend on my spidy senses. He could be shy. Sometimes, if a guy is shy you can lead them to water and hopefully they take a sip? lol Otherwise, I think kiki100 is right and you just have to take charge and hopefully that will solicit a response you can read more accurately.

Infinity88kiki100

He does hold my gaze a little longer than usual. I'm usually just shy and had a hard time looking him in the eye when I first talked to him. I think he just maintains strong eye contact.

Bellatrix79kiki100 Well, you should try looking him in the eye. During prolonged eye contact is when my spidy senses work best. Hopefully, when you get to know him better the way in which he expresses himself will become more apparent. I think you should continue to strike up conversations in a friendly way and just see how it goes and if he is just shy, hopefully, he will start to feel more comfortable around you. If anything you get to make a new friend/contact.

If your bold ask him to hangout outside of class, or have a study session (if your in college?) and then when your done working go out to unwind.

Bellatrix79Infinity88kiki100 Strong eye contact is nice but he has to speak up, no one should have to read ppl's minds. He has to make a move, b/c men make moves.

Bellatrix79Infinity88kiki100 i agree about the eye contact.

i don't agree about leading. i'd just be friendly, make eye contact, smile, be yourself basically. if a date is meant to happen then he'll ask if he can call you to talk again & for a phone #.

sometimes guys are just flirty..sometimes they're kind of attached or very attached but just want to be in your space for a bit ...sometimes they're bored and you look like a nice person to pass a few moments with etc. who knows?

hwvr, if they think they want to take you out they won't let you walk away.

ForestElfQueenBellatrix79Infinity88kiki100 Exactly white can be subtle but if he wants to date you he won't be subtle, he'll just ask you on the date. Even if it's just out for coffee he'll do something so he can see you again so he continue to show interest in you and see if you're the woman of his dreams.

ForestElfQueenBellatrix79kiki100 I don't know. I've spoken with one of my guy friends and this girl was flirting with him and it basically went over his head for a long time before the lightbulb went off. By leading, I just meant like "Oh have you been to (insert place), I've heard a lot about it but never been." If he is interested then he could respond with maybe we should go sometimes or he will just answer the question. Maybe, it's because I'm thinking of undergrad college aged guys. Maybe more grown up guys have had enough practice and they know what they want. So, it's different. Do you think asking a question like above, seems desperate?

Infinity88Bellatrix79kiki100 i'm gonna stick with no leading. that's a question for the guy to ask.

ForestElfQueenInfinity88Bellatrix79kiki100 I'm going to agree if he's too stupid to know you're flirting with him, what do you want him anyway? Why would a woman want a clueless man?

Infinity88Bellatrix79kiki100 sometimes you have to go new places(novelty seems to make a difference), or tweak your feminine appearance & manner a bit.

eugeniamitchellForestElfQueenInfinity88kiki100 Thank you for the answers everyone. I'm in college btw.

I agree. I can't waste my precious time on him.

eugeniamitchellForestElfQueenBellatrix79kiki100 Hmmm... I see what you mean. The guy that I was talking about is younger. I'm sure he'll get a clue by the time he really becomes a "man." Now that I think about it, guys that are older than me or my age do tend to be very direct and have asked me to hang out.

It's been a while since I focused on dating (problem #1). I usually just talk to people around me, with no specific intentions. I'm one of those people that sit in the front and doesn't really know anyone beyond the first 2 (maybe 3) rows. lol

Bellatrix79ForestElfQueenInfinity88kiki100 YW, we're here to help. You know how I know this is b/c I've experienced much of it unfortunately. I don't want anyone to have to go through hard lessons. I want to make it easy as possible for you young women.

Infinity88eugeniamitchellBellatrix79kiki100 i liked to sit up front too. also when i'd have questions I was way less nervous, i didn't have to be bothered with people turning around to look. LOL!

ForestElfQueen That is so true! I almost always look back when someone in the back of the room is asking a question. Like a tennis match between the student in the back and the teacher up front.

ForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellBellatrix79kiki100 Actually, I find that I asked more questions when I wasn't sitting in the front. In the front, I feel like the whole class is looking at me (since its easier). In the back, only a few people really make the effort to look back at me the whole time Im speaking. However, I'm very soft spoken so it's less stressful to have to project my voice from the back of the room.

Infinity88ForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellBellatrix79kiki100 Idk why, but I'm one of those people craning my neck to get a good look at the person asking the question in the back. Some call it annoying.

LovingMyselfForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellBellatrix79kiki100 I usually look to identify the speaker, if I don't already know them, then I turn around. Sometimes, I need to note, what they are saying to understand (quantitative classes).

ForestElfQueenInfinity88kiki100

I do need to become more feminine.

ForestElfQueenInfinity88eugeniamitchellkiki100 I sit front and center.

Bellatrix79ForestElfQueenInfinity88kiki100 Being more feminine always helps toward flirting, that's different for different women so find a formula that works for you and that you're comfortable with.

Bellatrix79ForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellkiki100 I like sitting in front and at the end of the row. I would prefer having people on only one side of me but it usually depends on how the classroom is set up.