NOTE: This post is ONLY for women who WANT to get married and have families. If this isn’t you, you might just want to check out Tanisha’s post on black and white fashion trends.
One of the chief complaints I hear about the advocacy of interracial dating has to do with the argument that “nobody understands you better than your own.” When it comes to black women, I hear a lot of clucking about how nobody but a black man can truly understand the hurdles and challenges black women have to overcome because of the double-whammy of being black and a woman. Conversely, the argument of the women in the pro-black-love crew say that nobody but a black woman can properly support and uplift the black man. So if that’s true, you’d think unions between black men and women would thrive, right? I mean, you’re both black–equally-yoked, right? We should all be in thriving relationships and marriages, with our kids loved, protected and provided for, correct?
Equally yoked, not “yolked”
Wrong.
Here’s a startling fact, dearies. African Americans have the highest divorce rates of all races.
In a study called “The Topography of the Divorce Plateua,” Dr. R. Kelly Raley and Dr. Larry Bumpass said the high rate of divorce among African-Americans “may provide an important insight for understanding the low, and decreasing, marriage rate for the group as well as the high proportion of the birth to unmarried black women,”
The researchers found that “70 percent of black women’s first marriages will end in divorce, as will 47 percent of white women’s marriages…” Age, education and income are major factors in the stability of all marriages, regardless of race or ethnicity, but those factors affect African-American couples more than others, according to the two researchers.
No wonder whenever we talk marriage ’round these parts there’s a real feeling of hopelessness (or disdain) in that regard. So as a result, many in the pro-black-love crew resigns to either go it alone or settle for half-a-dude, all the while pushing that whole, “marriage is obsolete” garbage. And yes, it is a pile of stinky garbage topped with dog doo. Check out this study from the Pew Research Center. Blacks rate the highest in the belief that marriage is passé. Hahaha and LOL. Blacks are so “above” the whole marriage deal, huh? It’s no wonder, considering that many of us have seen horrendous unions chock-full of abuse, poverty and infidelity. Who would want that? While others of us wouldn’t even know what a married couple looked like unless it was on television. Most of us–yes MOST–have no good examples of healthy, long-term marriages. Of course so many of us don’t want marriage. We don’t even know what it looks like.
If Marriage Sucks So Bad, Why Are Most Successful People Married?
Think about some of the most powerful people and families in the country, regardless of race. The politicians, the physicians, lawyers, business owners making kabillions and ask yourself how many of these leaders and movers and shakers are saying marriage is just a piece of paper. The most successful people in our country almost ALWAYS marry, and almost ALWAYS marry well. They marry like-minded people who are usually on the same level at least educationally, professional and most often socially. Black women are the only group of women who are basically being commanded to lower their standards if they want to get married. Do you know why the GAT-DL pushes for that so hard? Because they know that educated and successful black women outnumber educated and successful black men by a mile. And educated black men are the ‘magic purple unicorns who go on to marry whomever they please (and intermarry twice as much as black women do), and who often have a bloated sense of entitlement for just doing the normal stuff… you know, like getting an education, staying out of jail, and not having a bunch of babies out of wedlock.
But lowering your standards is almost always a bad idea. One of my closest friends married a man she met while he was in prison serving time for armed robbery. She is college educated and is in a management position at her job. Because he is a felon, he has always struggled with finding long-term work. He has cheated several times and given her two STI’s. He also does no work around the house, because you know, that’s for da wimmiz, so she does a double shift everyday, working, cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids while he hangs out with his homies and smokes weed. They are still married. Why? Because she thinks God wants her to stay married to him.
When they began their relationship, my friend thought they were equally yoked because they we both black and both Christians. In the black community, that’s pretty much all you need to be considered suitably matched. When she told me 12 years ago that she was going to marry this man, I blurted, “He’s beneath you.” She was incensed. She accused me of “changing” and “thinking I was too good,” which is code for “You’re dating that white man and now you think you’re too good for your own people!!” But what my friend didn’t realize is that I was more “equally yoked” and compatible with my husband-to-be than she was with her own “skinfolk.” Take melanin out of it, I know my friend would have never married a man of any other race who had such an abysmal history. She gave her husband a “black pass.” She graded him on one hell of a curve.
Here’s my advice. “Equally yoked” doesn’t have to be so dang complicated. It means that you find someone on your level. If you have a college degree, so should he. If you make six figures, so should he (or at least have the ability to support you if you take time off to have his kids). If you want kids, so should he. If you like Christmas, you probably shouldn’t marry a devout Jew. You don’t have to be twinzies, but you need to have enough in common to have a fighting chance. If you wouldn’t accept multiple kids from different women, a jail bird that’s built his nest at Folsom Prison, or an aspiring rapper who lives in his mom’s basement from a white guy, why would you accept it from a black guy? Keep skin color out of it, and grade everyone with the SAME RED MARKER.
Finally, do this exercise. Look at the person you are dating or considering a long-term relationship with and ask yourself this question: “Would I want my daughter to marry this man?” If the answer is NO, you KNOW what to do. And if you’re the kind of parent who doesn’t want the absolute best for your kids, then get off this page and go twerk somewhere.
Special thanks to Felicia for bringing certain things to my attention.
Sad to say, but that “equally yoked” meme has tripped up more women than a little bit. It’s one of the most misunderstood, misinterpreted, misapplied concepts on the planet. You’re right – it really ISN’T that complicated!
Moderators Note.
Pre-Mod settings engaged.
I want to say more, but my brain is actually numb right now. XD
I’ll just say that I also observe people accusing black women who seek interracial relationships of desiring to be “rescued” or “trying to escape”.
There are so many things wrong with at, I barely know what to say. Other people seek loving relationships all the time. The GAT-DL turns it into an episode of “Prison Break”. O_o
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with a black woman having standards for herself and whoever she wants to be a part of her life. The idea that so many black women are single because they’re “picky” “stuck up” or “uppity” is a lie. In fact, I’d bet an arm that if the emphasis were taken off of race, the lay of the land would look a heck of a lot different.
NO “NUMBSKULL” JOKES! >.<
@Toni_M But…seriously…what the HELL is wrong with wanting to escape craziness and dysfunction?! People should just cop to it and say “HAYELL YAY-ESS I want to escape!!! lolz
@Christelyn @Toni_M
Look drama saw the back of me years ago. Got rid of the toxic folks in my life and I’m chillin. Miss me with the foolishness I’m on permanent vacation.
@Christelyn I had to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSN6et9eze8
:,D
@Browncow @Christelyn YESSSSS. I was all about Lex though. That bald head. <3_<3
@Lannie I wanna hug you for your sentences…..
@Toni_M @Browncow SAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEE!!! hahaha
@Toni_M @Christelyn
He done growed up.
http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/463305/Man-of-Steel/trailers
@zipporah @Lannie “Ms. Independent”? I hate that song. He’s singing about all the things this woman has that clearly indicates that she has no real use for him and about how he lets her do everything and offers her NO support. I’m not even kidding, here are the lyrics:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/miss-independent-lyrics-neyo.html
That is NOT a love song, damn it. THIS, is a LOVE SONG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbzkwLWK-Ps
and this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiiyq2xrSI0
Even Kpop boybands have better love songs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_Kk9s7Y-Gg
It’s not a love song. It’s not even a confidence boosting song. It’s just, “I like that you do everything and I don’t have to contribute anything. So let me sing about how great I think it is you do it all yourself, while I sit her and do absolutely nothing.” WTF?
As for that second song, I’ve never heard it but it’s called “The Way I Are.”
@Brenda55 @Christelyn Would you believe people were MAD about Henry Cavil running around with chest hair and that beard? O_o
http://www.9e3k.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Man-of-Steel-Trailer-GIF-01.gif
I will have to call the doctor because clearly they are delirious as the result of some kind of fever.
Needless to say my mom and I are going to watch this movie. …For reasons. ;D
@Toni_M
Mad?
About a beard and chest hair?????
That’s some of the good parts. What is wrong with people?
@zipporah @Lannie “Everything she got, best believe she bought it.”
DOES THAT INCLUDE THE ENGAGEMENT RING?
@Brenda55 I don’t even know, but he is definitely a Super MAN now, and I think we should all applaud that. And his beard. And the fact that he has made me appreciate chest hair.
These are good things.
@Toni_M Girrrl I could tell you about the wonders of chest hair. I feel about it the way DWB feels about feet and thats all I’m gonna say.
@starzzzy @Toni_M @zipporah @Lannie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6fPzVNIEB0
@DWB @Toni_M OOOOOOOOOh Yesssssssss!!!!!!!!
That is why I can relate to your thang.
@starzzzy @zipporah @Lannie YES. I also love “Baby Don’t Cry” which it felt like FOREVER waiting for the full version.
I just think it’s sad that people think putting “love” in a song makes it “love”
I actually think it ties into this post: How many people feel that saying they feel this that or the other is enough and fully expect the other person to go on words rather than actions?
@onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie WHAT THE HELL?
“Two jobs. Work. Hard. You a bad broad.”
Okay….last time I checked, NOBODY worked two jobs because they wanted to. Unless they had their main job and then a hobby that was no stress and that they enjoyed, but brought in extra money.
But she “works hard” which implies that she is busting her behind to pay all her bills and yes she is a “bad broad”.
So…what is this person doing to make her life easier? Is he working two jobs as well? Is he paying bills?
No, no he isn’t. OMG.
….We have graduated to songs about about unequally yoked women and the men who give them nothing and stay out of the way.
O_o
@Toni_M @onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie
Hey Toni. It would be a fun exercise to see just how many songs like this have been recorded over the years.
Black women have been absorbing this propaganda…….. um rather content or decades. Top 40 brainwashing.
@onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie I am just reading the lyrics and he went so far as to say that this woman cooks, cleans, gives him back rubs, works who damn jobs, pays all the bills, and all he has to bring to the table is his penis.
And of course he’s faithful (AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA) because in addition to doing everything her damn self, she has the time and the energy to be his ho in the bedroom.
I don’t know whether to laugh or drop-kick someone.
@Brenda55 @onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie This is going to happen. This is going to be a new feature. I was looking to do something different, I think I found it. O_o
@DWB I agree wholeheartedly and have 20 years of marriage to my sweetheart to prove it.
@Toni_M @onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie
Sure open it up to the members of the community. I bet in no time we can put quite a list together. What year do you think we should start with? It can even be organized by decade. LOL.
@Brenda55 @onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie I feel like this nonsense became concentrated within the past ten years, but odds are it started within the last twenty to twenty five years.
But we can also find throwbacks, I’m sure. If I can’t think of any, I know someone in the community knows at least one they side-eyed when it came on the radio.
I swear, I should just quit. Someone on the fan page just complained that this article somehow threatens her relationship.
>>>I’m confused. I’ve always been an advocate of love, colorless love, that’s why I enthusiastically support this blog. But I am concerned that in your efforts to push black women to want love regardless of race you are belittling those who have found black love. i am married to a wonderful, educated and financially responsible black man and i feel like this article is damning my marriage to doom. Don’t get me wrong, I completely respect those who marry non black men, hell I know I am lucky to have found one of such great quality but sometimes I feel like this blog is more anti Blackman than pro black women growth. Just my thoughts, if I am misunderstanding your purpose please let me know.<<<
Nothing, absolutely NOTHING pleases these people. I could write about roses and someone would say I’m discriminating against daisies.
According to my critics I hate everybody LOL
@Christelyn
” i am married to a wonderful, educated and financially responsible black man and i feel like this article is damning my marriage to doom.”
Damn Chris. Too scared of YOU!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksR1IGYeJOg
@Brenda55 Let me get this straight. I write an article telling people how to vet ALL men and by doing so, I’m “damning her relationship to doom?” How I do dat??
@Brenda55 Some folks really overestimate my power.
@Christelyn Your working roots.
@Christelyn This is a troll post. A TROLL post. You are being had.
“I’ve always been an advocate of love, colorless love”
LIES. FAIRYTALES. AND FALLACIES.
If this were so, she would not turn around and say,
“those who have found black love.”
I do not know any black people who are in loving relationships that refer to them as “black love”. This is not something I see, and I call BS.
“and i feel like this article is damning my marriage to doom.”
HOW. HOW IS AN ARTICLE SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD EXPECT A MAN TO BRING AT LEAST AS MUCH TO THE TABLE IN SO MANY WAYS AS YOU DO DAMNING YOUR MARRIAGE? ARE YOU NUTS?
@ASwirlGirl was not kidding when she was talking about how tripped up black women are.
Next thing you know, we’ll have someone all up in here to defend that “Independent” song and talk about how a woman should be happy to have a man do absolutely NOTHING for her but lay there with his penis.
I don’t even think that person typed that comment with a straight face. I imagine it looked more like: http://oi55.tinypic.com/u1pwk.jpg
@Christelyn Chris, you know what. There is a cottage industry on line and in real life dedicated to under minding black women and their relationships with non-black men. This woman can’t take an article that is not directed at her?
To the naysayers.
SUCK. IT. UP.
@Christelyn @Brenda55 I think she’s inferring that if you don’t tone police yourself, her husband is going to blame her and run off with some other woman.
I got nothing. I am just going to hope it’s a troll and that some poor soul out there is not living their life on the edge because it is dictated by blog articles. O_o
@Toni_M @Brenda55 I dunno…I sadly feel this woman was serious.
@Christelyn @Toni_M
You’re good.
This is me:
http://tinyurl.com/pptsfu8
@Brenda55 @Christelyn LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
@Toni_M @Brenda55 AHAHAHAHHA
OK guys. New avatar going up.
http://tinyurl.com/mptbs76
@Brenda55 @Christelyn Excuse you…working ‘ruts’ is what she’s doing….your enunciating too much. It might break the spell.
@Ladybug7 @Christelyn
” No Chris, don’t quit.”
Not to worry. There are big things in store for this site. Coming soon. We are not going anywhere. You’ll see.
@Brenda55 @Ladybug7 Brenda is right. I was just kidding about leaving. BTW Brenda did you get my email about choosing a winner for that thing?
@tracyreneejones @Christelyn
Chris has a cigar stashed somewhere for all of those Santeria rituals she preforms under the cover of darkness to undermine black love.
I got the voo doo thing covered. Now where did I put my chickens?
@Christelyn @Ladybug7 Haven’t checked.
@Brenda55 @Christelyn Remind me to tell you the story of me, uber christian frantic cheating boo, his older brother and black voodoo roses. You’ll laugh.
Here we see Chris making preparations to cast a spell to do in black love once and for all.
http://tinyurl.com/lhty36j
Minion B55 digs this idea and has her cigar ready
.http://tinyurl.com/mvklnoj
We recruited this white dude to boost the power of the spell. Some thing in his testosterone.
http://tinyurl.com/mlvfd5l
Mission accomplished its party time.
http://tinyurl.com/lt9s9s4
This ain’t got nothing to do with nothing. Threw this slide in for DWB. These shoes are da bomb. http://tinyurl.com/l4dk84q
@thecrazyartist Chile, bye…..
@ASwirlGirl @Brenda55 @Christelyn Oh…shit…Da hoo doo….. I thought I was the only nut to use that term. Umm shaka loom, yuk yuk um………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnEF2tRyfWo
@Browncow @Toni_M Chest hair is a no no. Taco meat need not apply…..sweet baby Jesus I’m dizzy….. (My OCD requirements for hygiene and aesthetics is dam long) *rubs temple* Uh….it feels nasty too…..
Uh….but I’m not judging!!
@tracyreneejones @Browncow “Taco meat need not apply.”
http://oi51.tinypic.com/2cffc02.jpg
@LadyHumor
Oh, yes, and don’t forget “a man that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.” I’ve been getting that one quite a lot lately.
(These are the folks that think the only thing a woman should do in her search for a husband is to get really dressed up for church on Sunday morning–her husband is sitting in the pews, waiting on the Spirit to tell him that you’ll be his wife. Yes, the Spirit sometimes works this way, but it isn’t the Spirit’s normal routine.)
@Brenda55 @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
I tried to cook them and burnt them. Do these kind of spells still work if the chicken is already burnt? I’m new to this kind of thing, and unsure…
@tracyreneejones @Brenda55 @Christelyn
That sounds like a blog post! I like short stories. You might be the next Stephen King.
And it will be something different from the “I Love White Men, And ONLY white men” posts that we apparently can’t stop writing around here. (<—————this sentence is sarcasm)
@Jamila @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
Please tell you are not saying you don’t know how to cook chicken. Your black. Its in the blood. LOL
@Brenda55 @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
Brenda, I’m an OK cook and I have a flat booty. I didn’t get none of the good stuff–that’s why I’m trying so hard to get married, hopefully to some poor dude from the country who won’t know what he’s missing.
@Jamila @tracyreneejones @Christelyn Hit those squats. They really pump up the volume. As far as yard bird…I usually grill it or roast it. Not frying it…too hot. I buy it fried. It is easy to get here.
@Brenda55 @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
I can bake it, I don’t even TRY to fry anything but catfish…I LOVE catfish, soaked in hot sauce. I’m that person the waiters always complain about who wants more condiments 2 seconds after my food has arrived and before I’ve even tasted it.
@Brenda55 @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
OK, let me take that back. I just fried some brussel sprouts the other night–as an experiment–in the grease after I took the catfish out and they turned out pretty tasty.
@Jamila @tracyreneejones @Christelyn
Bet you’ll like them better if your roast them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUWSwPR-2RA
@Brenda55
The shields are up!
Only tangentially related to the above comment; here’s some video heresy:
http://youtu.be/e8zlSmISnwE
@Jamila @Brenda55 @Christelyn Catfish! Then why aren’t you at a huge mega church taking part in those fish fry fund raisers….!? You doth find a good black man if you strongly emit the scent of Lawry’s…You youngings gone learn the ways of the good Juju…
@Law Wanxi That has to be the gayist thing I have seen in a long time.
@Toni_M Giiiiiiiiirrrrrrl. Henry Cavill. The definition of insanity is to be mad about THAT in any form.
@Lannie “Taraj’s character in that movie was pretty much presented as stuck up, shallow, a bitch and guilted out of wanting a man who had everything she has.”
I had a different take on that: Taraji’s character wasn’t stuck up or shallow, but she was acting like a man and employing masculine strategies in dating, and that wasn’t working for her. What she did will only work with a very feminized man, it will not work with a man in touch with his masculinity and averse to living by feminist rules.
Sometimes you can’t apply what works in the office to sort things out at home, and if you are a successful woman used to making things happen (and probably leading men at work) you don’t realize that acting this way with your SO can destroy your relationship.
I also thought that Morris Chestnut’s character was TYPICAL of corporate suits in that it is hard for two people so driven to succeed in that mold to offer support to a SO doing the same thing at the same time. Very often there is competition instead of cooperation, and a woman like Taraji’s character who needs a lot of emotional support would NOT be happy with a guy who needs that, plus a lot of admiration. It’s freaking exhausting, which is why a woman who has a less demanding job or doesn’t work outside the home is usually better at providing it IMO…she has the damned time.
““Equally yoked” doesn’t have to be so dang complicated.”
It sure doesn’t have to be! Not if you KNOW YOURSELF and are HONEST about what you need and what conditions create happiness for you. Then it is so very simple.
I’d just say that simplicity doesn’t mean that there would not be different versions of equally yoked….there are so many ways to make ___ + ___ = 100. A man with marriage potential and a high level of compatibility with the woman in question might offer a different mix from another, but they both may both be bringing a 50 to the table.
Christelyn….. I just want to thank you. I always enjoy your writing. ALWAYS
@Christelyn “Nothing, absolutely NOTHING pleases these people. I could write about roses and someone would say I’m discriminating against daisies.”
Picking the colored flowers in favor of the white flowers…. Typical… 😉
@Christelyn “According to my critics I hate everybody LOL”
Everybody loves an equal opportunity hater….
@Christelyn @Brenda55 “Some folks really overestimate my power.”
Chris…. close your eyes…. and see…… the Michigan Lotto numbers for tomorrow’s drawing….
@Jamila @tracyreneejones @Brenda55 @Christelyn “And it will be something different from the “I Love White Men, And ONLY white men” posts that we apparently can’t stop writing around here.”
What is wrong with loving white men and ONLY white men?
@EarthJeff @Christelyn She hates everybody and herself too!
@Christelyn LOL
@Toni_M @onmywayup @zipporah @Lannie Yep. First they tried discouraging independence in women (echoes of decency in that population…no decent man wants to be irrelevant to women), then they figured out that encouraging it was so much more beneficial if they want to continue to do nothing and let women do everything. Now these Kneegrow carols “praise” independent women.
@Christelyn
Most people date and marry within their own ethnic groups, but nobody seems to make as big a deal out of it as many black folks. Has anyone ever heard of white love, or brown love or yellow love? It seems fetishized.
@Brice Cameron @Christelyn “Most people date and marry within their own ethnic groups, but nobody seems to make as big a deal out of it as many black folks. Has anyone ever heard of white love, or brown love or yellow love? It seems fetishized.”
That is a great point. You really dont hear of any deal of relationships within their own ethnic groups other than black folks.
I guess I am luke warm on this. The story regardng your friend is extreme. Believe it or not, the happiest relationship I was in was with a man who pretty much made minimum wage and I am middle class on my salary alone. Please hear me out on this…My lifestyle is very low maintenance and so was his. Therefore going out to eat all the time and on trips was not a huge factor in the relationship. But I can certainly see why some women want a man on their level financially. I guess I am one to look at the emotional connection first and than all else second. He didn’t expect me to support him and he cooked and cleaned for me so I guess I was fortunate enough to find a genuinely good guy who may not have been yoked with me financially.
@Brenda55 @Jamila @tracyreneejones @Christelyn Definitely roasted…with dried cranberries and balsamic reduction – yummy!
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/12/brussels-sprouts-with-balsamic-and-cranberries/
But he cooked and cleaned! He didn’t write a song about how you did that AND held down two jobs while giving him back rubs.
(Yes, I’m still bitter at that song, wtf?)
Anyway, it sounds like that was a give and take relationship, rather a one-sided situation.
@DWB ”
It’s funny to me, but I have to wonder when the outside world (both black and white) looks at my wife and I, do they see two “opposites” who somehow attracted?
That could not be further from the truth.”
Same here! I think outsiders focus on the differences. But, in reality, my husband and I have plenty in common. Especially our upbringings and shared values. Any differences are due to individual/personality differences not racial differences.
@Dandelion100 @EarthJeff @Brice Cameron @Christelyn Yes but they don’t police other Asians, or those unrelated to them in their Asian ethnic group. All races and ethnicities sometimes police within families.
@Christelyn @Brenda55 They underestimate their own power. Talk about insecure.
@Christelyn The FB fan page and the blog commenters seem to be very distinct cultures. I think a LOT of FB fans do not ever actually go to the BB&W blog.
@Dandelion100 “I don’t think that women should get with bums who aren’t doing anything with their lives or who are complete losers, but if a man is a good guy all around and doesn’t necessarily have a six figure salary or a master’s degree but you do, is it really all that bad?”
I think the thing is defining “good all around”, because everyone defines goodness differently. For some black women, the man being black is the only box that needs to be checked. When so much emphasis is placed on race rather than a combination of other characteristics, how does that ensure the woman will be equally yoked?
Also, it’s important to remember that traditionally, women thought not just about the life they’d have, but the life of their children and even grandchildren: Who you procreate with and marry isn’t just impacting YOUR life, but GENERATIONS.
So yes, men who are wealthy and powerful can afford to marry down. They have already established themselves and because of their various qualities and connections. Networking is key. Some kids are able to have advantages based on who their parents are and who those parents know. When women marry up or commit hypergamy, it’s not just about themselves, it’s about their children and helping to ensure their descendants have an easier life.
Women traditionally seek security for themselves and their offspring. Which is why a greater emphasis has always been placed on the man’s ability to take care of her and their children. Men aren’t taught to look for a woman to take care of and protect them and their children.
@Dandelion100 Also this comment reminded me that I am waaaaaaaay behind on Korean dramas. -.-
@Dandelion100 We talk about this before, but black women refusing to demand to be equally yoked in the TRUE sense, and instead settling for less and less from men has lead to a reversal: Men are dating up and black women dating down.
This means lowered expectations with each passing generation. Girls are taught to look at qualities that are superficial and do nothing to better their family tree; Boys are taught to seek high achieving females who will allow them to contribute nothing of note.
If black women demanded to be at least equally yoked, you would not see a decline in the quality of relationships for so many black women to the point where it was normal to do the work of TWO people either in preparation of being alone or because of the lie that “good black women bring home the bacon to her man and asks nothing of him to prove her strength and indepedence.”
This is uncomfortable, because the implication is that generations of black women have been straight up HAD. It’s not even about being a modern woman. Because how many modern non-black women are rationalizing their ability to marry down as much as possible, especially based on giving the man a pass due to his race?
And remember, this isn’t a black/white issue: The world is FILLED with various ethnic groups. I really want to know how many have rationalized the role reversal to the extreme seen among African Americans.
@Dandelion100 @EarthJeff @Christelyn
Yeah, a lot of Asian parents want their children to marry within the same Asian ethnic group. I just don’t think they talk about Asian love as if it is some strange love different from other loves. It is just love.
@Browncow @Toni_M I carried a torch last year in high school who was a White (or maybe passing?) brunette with the perfect curvy+athletic body more likely to be seen in a Black girl. Eventually (no monkey business, I swear) I realized she had a patch of chest hair. Way more than I had at that age (18). It startled me, but this girl had so much else going right with her body I decided to shrug it off. She must have HATED that hair.
@Toni_M
You are right girl. I agree with you on that silly song though. There is no way I would have kept him around if he didn’t do those things for me.
@JQAbroad @Browncow @Toni_M
No offense taken. Amazingly we somehow manage to stumble into relationships and reproduce enough to continue the species. I think it is just dumb luck.
@FriendsofJay ” And frankly, if you will only settle for a BM, why are you on this blog?”
*stands up and shakes handkerchief*
I’m late to the party on this, but the friend in your example isn’t just unequally yoked she’s flying high and straight and he is crawling. Forget the fact that this man is not college educated, because a degree only means so much and in this economy will only take you so far. Let’s look at his actual qualities. Just because you can’t get a job doesn’t mean you can’t start a business. Just because you can’t get a job doesn’t mean you can’t be an at home dad. If this man were cooking,cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, helping the kids with their homework, etc…We would feel very differently about him. This man in your example lacks humilty, gratitude, ambition, and a solid work ethic. These qualities are found in all social classes.
I know of many women and men who lack degrees, but have these qualities and therefore have comfortable, successful lives. In turn I know any number of individuals with degrees who can’t find or keep a job. I’m not saying anyone should settle, but a degree prepares people for work in specific areas of our nation’s economy if that sector changes than that degree may well become worthless. If the individual lacks the traits mentioned above than the degree won’t make much of a difference.
@Lannie Not what she wanted (an ambitious man whose dreams she could believe in and who took care of her emotionally) but how she went about trying to get it. Especially given her job and success. I am thinking about the scene with her best friend who told her that she was dating like a man (being aggressive, dominant and competitive). Also the scene where she is sitting with Mr. IBM and a suit and he was totally uninterested in her career or feelings. She realized that it wasn’t about the money. Now another woman who did not need what Taraji needed may have been very happy to play that position and give Mr. IBM all the attention and admiration he needs, and busy herself with decorating their summer home or choosing the private chef. If that woman was also a COO of a Fortune 500 company, awesome! But I’d bet her husband would not enjoy feeling like they are competing on the same field instead of cooperating, and that is a risk when two suits on the same level get together.