Black Women, Love and Where They WON’T Find It (Part 2)

This is the follow-up post to my previous article on how little sense it made for black women to waste their time looking for love and acceptance from directions it was not forthcoming. At the end of the article, I asked why. Just why do so many black women handicap themselves in this regard and waste so much valuable time and valuable love? This part will discuss some possible theories and then I’d love to open the floor to the community members as to how black women can get around this irrational way of dealing with love.


Reason #1: It’s all she knows…


Some women are taught from the cradle that love of any kind is a pipe dream or that it exists, but it is not for them. Or maybe they can get a little of it when a person or group gives them permission to have it. But it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary that they stand still and take abuse until such time as a “pardon” is granted.

This person has been shut in all her life and she can’t grasp being loved in a way that is healthy and deserved. So when you try and explain concepts of self-acceptance and boundaries and red flags, it’s as if you’re explaining nuclear fusion in Icelandic to a toddler from Peru. Comprehension is not something you can reasonably expect under the circumstances.

But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen eventually. Some women catch onto the lie of how “nobody wants you!” and they run, rather than walk, as far away from it as possible into the world and find love and happiness. These women may start off afraid of failure and creeping along because of fear of  validating their lack of self-worth. Well, creeping along is a lot faster than being paralyzed. No matter how slowly you move towards loving yourself and finding love that you deserve, just remember this: You’re moving a whole heck of a lot faster than the person who refuses to move away of that mindset at all.



Reason #2: It’s all she WANTS to know…


You’ll recall my post on haters and how some people are content at the bottom of the barrel, but are mad at you for not racing them to the bottom of it. Well, the women tend to fall into either this or the third category. These black women may have been spoon-fed the lie of inherent black woman inferiority, but there are some key differences between these women and the first group. Chiefly, these women will fight you over their lack of self-worth. Sometimes LITERALLY fight you over a belief of being better and of aspiring for better things. Anyone that will fight you over the idea that you don’t have to accept less and be inferior is beyond salvation in my humble opinion.

Others may disagree and in the name of sisterhood and blind faith put their naked arms into a pit of snakes. They are welcome to do so, but I will not be joining their ranks.

Never underestimate the ability of some people to work against themselves even harder than sensible persons work for themselves. Such persons are not insecure in the sense that a kind word and a helping hand can change them. They are active with their self-hate. They cannot rest in the corner being low: These women are determined to make YOU as low as possible as a confirmation of how little they deserve. There are people who are comforted that they aren’t alone at the bottom being stepped on and over. They don’t have the mental and emotional toughness to get up. Instead, they channel all of their energy into holding as many others down there with them as possible.

These women do, more so I suspect than the first group, know that they will not receive love and compassion from viable sources with their actions and mentality. But that’s not their focus. Their focus is on seeing to it that they aren’t the only ones not receiving either.



Reason #3:

It’s all certain parties want her to know…


In the heart of Trolladelphia,  you’ll find a truth bubbling just underneath the surface of the obsessive fixation these persons have with black women escaping or who have always been beyond their clutches. That truth is that for all the concern trolling, polite poisoning, or out-and-out indignant attacks that try and paint forward-moving black women as in the wrong, these people are MAD AS HELL that they can’t hold any power over black women that are free of them.

These people play out the scenario of what happens sometimes when you give a little bit of power to the powerless: They can become more brutal than the worst dictators and just as thirsty for power. Helpless and impotent in most ways that it matters in today’s world, these people are desperate for someone to be bigger than. Someone they can bully, put down, and beat on. Some people may not be helpless, but they feel entitled to use black women as a stepping stone. In any case, when you have people who make it their business to ever-so-kindly inform you that you’re unattractive, unwanted and need to “know your place”, never ever think that it’s for your benefit.

I mean it: Not all advice is good and not every advisor has your back. You are responsible for determining your own happiness in this life. You must choose whether or not to heed your own inner voice that tells you what it is you really want out of life or listen to other people who seem a bit too satisfied when you fail.


No matter which one of these categories affects a black woman, it does not change that fact that she should be willing to put in the time and energy into seeking love and being willing to give it equally in return.


Now that there are some theories (do you have any other theories?) regarding why black women tend to behave this way, what are some ways that black women can get around this self-defeating behavior and look for love that is actually for them and from persons willing to give it?