BWIP: Forget What Everyone Says About What to Do to Snag a Man, Says Psychologist Karin Anderson

I think the problem with most relationship advice directed towards women is that it continues the tradition of telling women they need to be "fixed" in some way before they deserve a good relationship or marriage.

Sadly, one of the consequences of declining marriage rates is that many people begin to idealize marriage and the people who get married as somehow more complete as human beings. How did people in the past ever manage to get married without working on or improving themselves?

To a large degree women were always judged as failures as women if they didn't marry, but now that marriages are more difficult to come by, there is a whole cottage industry dedicated to telling single women the secret to getting married, or the secret to staying married, which always involves women changing or improving themselves to be worthy of love.

I think the idea that women consistently receive is that there is something wrong with them. Too fat, too loud, too shy, too slutty, too uptight, too stuck up, too easy, too naive, etc.

I liked Karin's point about how society treats single women like something is wrong with them and married/involved women are perfect. I struggled with being single because of that attitude for a long time. I know women who are engaged or in long term relationships that cheat and are not all there mentally but because they have a man society is willing to overlook their flaws and sees them as having it all together. It really sucks but I'm gonna check this book out. We need more books like this to let women know that you aren't a leper because you are single. The message needs to be sent that women in relationships aren't perfect but they so happened to have found someone willing to deal with their flaws. I believe it would do wonders for the self esteem of many women.

"a perfect trophy size 2, 180 IQ, 24-inch waist and DDD bra size"

Well, all I can say is, "Thanks for the advertising for girls like us".

LOL, I wish!

How about a size 10 and a 32-inch waist and 38DD. I am no hothouse flower, I am what used to be called "healthy". And sadly, I am a long way from the 180 IQ.

Oh, well.

The important thing is to have a sense of humor about things like this. Even at the very best I ever was in terms of looks, I still had a lot of flaws, but I was okay with those, and I'm okay with what I have now. I don't seem to lack for company from attractive, smart, funny, well-educated, interesting men, so I think I'm good there, you know?

I agree with this woman in that we should be at peace with what we are, but with one important difference - I believe all us should do whatever we can (without getting crazy, y'all) to be the best possible version of us that we can produce, and then (and only then) be satisfied with the results. Get everything as right as it can be, and then move forward with whatever you have.

LOL! I read the posts and then googled Ms. Anderson's pic.

Yes she is quite attractive, thin, blonde...and so on. Good for her :-)

That doesn't invalidate what she has to say, like the thin girl giving advice to the fat chick, she still might be right.

I like reading and listening to all this stuff. I just think in the end, you have to place yourself where the men are...it's as simple as that. Salinas, Santa Ana, Sunnyvale all California towns driven by the tech industry and over run with men. Most likely better bets for young smart women. If I was starting college now I would consider a town like that as opposed to HBCU with 5 to 1 ratio.

If all a woman cares about is the size of my bankroll, my package, or my SUV then she can just keep moving down the lane to the next sucker. I've had my fill of "size 2, 180 IQ, 24-inch waist, DDD bra size" trophy wives to know that I'd rather have someone I can TALK with than someone I can just show off. That stuff gets old quick, and "for better or worse" disappears as soon as the money or your social status does.

Ladies, as for snagging a man it's not rocket science. We're guys, we're hard wired to notice women. You like a guy, let him know you're interested; if he's interested he'll follow up. If he's too shy you might have to turn it up a bit and ask HIM out.

The real issue is not snagging a man, it's about not snagging the wrong *type* of man. Identifying a player or a bad boy isn't rocket science, so it escapes me why so many women who claim to be looking for a long term relationship / life partner prefer to select players whose only goal is adding another notch to their bed post.

Mark H

PS - Sorry, bit of a rant here.

She may have the best of intentions, but she's not doing single women any favors by treating the issue like its just a matter of having a cute/clever catch phrase to use in uncomfortable "single" moments.... I agree that a sense of humor is healthy but its borderline insulting to assume all women need to hear from an "expert" is that they "you're fine." But perhaps that's related to what others have been saying here...she may be trying to speak from her head without a lot personal reflection/insight from her own "authentic" experience. Well...maybe she took her own advice...because she's engaged.

She may have the best of intentions, but she's not doing single women any favors by treating the issue like its just a matter of having a cute/clever catch phrase to use in uncomfortable "single" moments.... I agree that a sense of humor is healthy but its borderline insulting to assume all women need to hear from an "expert" is that they "you're fine." But perhaps that's related to what others have been saying here...she may be trying to speak from her head without a lot personal reflection/insight from her own "authentic" experience. Well...maybe she took her own advice...because she's engaged.

I used to comment on Evia blog when she permitted comments. I remember saying that men (white, black, asian) don't really care for fat women. By "fat" I don't mean a few pounds overweight. I mean obese. Evia replied by saying "I"m glad there's a man out there who's bold enough to say that." She was suggesting that women lose a few pounds. Again, I'm not talking radical surgery, I'm saying a few pounds. And, yes, a few of us guys need to lose a few pounds too. Eugenia is 100% right when she says that both men and women who are average look only for Mr. or Mrs. perfect. I guess that's the way we humans are. When I was in High school there was this mentally retarded kid who fell in love with the prom queen. He didn't have much chance with her but he pestered her until she has to say something nasty to him. She didn't want to be mean but it was the only way to discourage him.

I've also noticed that man of the self-help book, primarily aimed at women, seem to go out of there way to say how dreadful men are and that they're all alike. This affect women into thinking that all men are out for sex and not much more. BS. Men are more sensitive than you girls might like to think. But an average looking girl or guy who is looking for the perfect somebody" thin, handsome or beautifu;, with a command of financial business and who will totally devote themselves to the other person are really kind of fooling themselves about their assets.

Personel note to Christyln: How do you find such beautiful girls to grace you pages. Karen Anderson is really cute. Don't you know any plain girls???

I happen to agree.Maybe she didn't explain it adequately, but the bottom line and MY personal belief is this: Self improvement is an ongoing process of any aware, sentient, well-adjusted and perceptive human being...DO IT FOR YOURSELF (and God, of course)...but not as a ploy to attract any man.

Pursue your passions, goals and dreams, be well-rounded and enjoy life and men flock to you. But if you remain true to yourself, you will know when someone is lying to you. You will attract both good and bad, but know how to sort through them.

That is no saying you are never going to get enmeshed once or twice with someone who says what you want to hear--but you will be able to escape with minimal damage...TRUST YOURSELF. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, and WHEN you are ready (notice the WHEN) the right man will come along...

When I read of someone who says "Men like THIS, and MEN like THAT" I think..."Do you KNOW ALL Men?" Men are the most freaky, perverse, yet straightforward creatures. If you have something they like--they will COME! And it only takes the RIGHT ONE.

So be YOU. Do YOU. And live your life. You only get ONE...

Well I think she's saying what's she's saying, she wouldn't twist yourselves into knots to snag a man. Now if you want to twist yourself into knots to improve you, great, go for it but to just snag a dude. I think she may be speaking to a segment of women who just don't want to do all this and think they're okay, there's not many of them but I'm sure they exist. Now having said that, I'll have to agree with Christelyn you can't ask someone else to do something you're not willing to do and everybody needs to be realistic. I think many ppl lack a realistic view of themselves. Now when I started dating again at the age of 37, I knew I wasn't young and I couldn't compete with young women so I had to use what I had. At the time I wasn't fat but I wasn't super skinny either and although I'd love Brad Pitt's body, I knew Brad or Brad lookalike wasn't gonna fall head over heels for me. And I love my husband and to me he's sexier than Brad but for real, Brad's hot. So if I wanted a Brad lookalike I would have do some work. If you wanted the successful business man in Brooks Brothers with his business, you can't be the Burger King girl. You can't be delusional is what I'm saying and many women and men are delusional. Most of us are just average in looks, in intelligence, in most things. But many folks are demanding excellence in the other person while attempting to pawn as average as excellence. Now there was stuff I was willing to do to be more attractive and a better partner but in the end I did that stuff for me. I'm worried about competing with other women, I'm competing with me. What I have only I can give, so there is no competition from outside just me. The result of doing those things for myself was that it attracted a wonderful to mate to me. Now he's not perfect, I'm not perfect and neither of us is working for perfection but we're perfect for each other. Yes contorting yourself into some crap that books say 'all men want' is ridiculous and waste of time. If that was true I'd be trying to contort myself into a Swedish blonde with blue eyes, that ain't never gone happen. But if you're not liking something about yourself, by all means do something to improve it. It won't hurt.

"For starters, I always shy away from people who seem to be suggesting to me that I should “do as they say, and not as they do”. And to get what I mean, please google this person."

I Googled, couldn't find anything. Could you elaborate on what you mean?

Alright, I'm going to jump out here knowing that I will be challenged. Dr. Anderson made the point is that you are fabulous, NOT PERFECT, the way you are, AND that there is someone who is WONDERFUL (not perfect) for you and abusing yourself because you aren't a size 6 (and never will be) is not necessary. Wow, radical stuff ...

I agree with her that you should only want to change for yourself otherwise it won't really work. Perhaps, I haven't read the self help books that she's read but I don't think that the overall message is that women need to fix themselves in order to make themselves more appealing. So much is targeted to women because women buy these books in mass; whereas men learn to adjust their behaviors in other ways (trial and error). I think that there are things that men and women are BOTH doing wrong in relationships- period. What's happened is that women have changed while men have pretty much stayed the same.

Women and men ultimately want to be with each other and create families with each other. If that weren't true we wouldn't still be having the same discussion for the past 10 years. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy to tell women that there's nothing for you to do or change or work on, that men are just this and that and yadda yadda, or pretend that men and women don't evaluate each other on different criteria- just wait things out. You don't really need a man or relationship anyway. That to me isn't healthy either and it puts people in a false reality. What women and men need to do is find a way, maybe a new way, of relating to each other.

And to clarify, I would not have anything to do with someone spouting "no fat chicks", just the idea that the late 20th century was apparently the "no fat chicks" era, and I sincerely doubt it would have been allowed to thrive in an environment where many men TOTALLY went for bigger woman.

Some men do, but that's the exception more often than the rule.

Bowing out ahead of the impending wank.

IDK, maybe she doesn't mean any harm, but I feel like this person is full of it. And I don't mean the holy spirit.

For starters, I always shy away from people who seem to be suggesting to me that I should "do as they say, and not as they do". And to get what I mean, please google this person.

The fact is that you can certainly sit down and do nothing, and someone just may come along. But to pretend that the odds of this happening are equal to your dating options if you actually strive to improve yourself and be as attractive as you can be is unrealistic.

It's a romantic notion, if you like Disney, but real life and most males rarely work that way. If they did, "no fat chicks!" would not be a meme.

Also, mating remains a competitive game, and I'm not above side-eyeing persons that say things to me "in the spirit of sisterhood" that would effectively attempt to remove me as an opponent.

Just saying...