Question of the Week: “Nobody Wants Me, So Why Should I Bother?”

Dear Blog Owner,

The Mammy, the Mule article about BW stereotypes has triggered some feelings in me that I want to express.

I am just so hesitant to date any man who was raised in North America due to the proliferation of these stereotypes. Actually, I doubt any white man (Europeans included) could be free from thinking these things about me as a black woman. White men are the ones who made the entire world think these aweful things about us in the first place. I realize that, while I am attracted to certain white men, deep down inside, I don’t believe it is possible for them to view me outside of the small box they created for me. If even BM believe these stereotypes about BW and if Black women…we even buy into the stereotypes about ourselves! Really, why would a white male (who is the top of society that THEY created) even bother trying to see past their preconcieved notions about me and really SEE me for me? Why would they even bother? What would be in it for them when they can have the prized non-black, ideally white woman (who can cook/clean/give sex/ be a life companion without the disapproval of society)?

I love this site, but this idea is something I really struggle with. I’m 24, and very observant about people and I’ve travelled the world and I see the same thing everywhere: men using women and hurting them just because they can. It’s not limited to race politics in USA. I’ve never had a relationship, but I’m not sure if it is possible for someone like me…to find what the creator of this site advocates. I’m too smart to fall for the BS I see men pulling around me and too sensitive to want to put myself out there. (Especially after what happened to my sister recently and him being a “Christian” man.)

I try to live my life to the fullest and be the best person I can be. I have developed a deep love for God and I love nature and animals and small children. I do my best to care for them. I garden and tend the earth, do crafts and cook and live sustainably. I have decided to travel and learn new things constantly. To make myself happy. But as for finding a sincere boyfriend or a husband- which is hard enough, even for white women who have the whole damn world at their feet-what chance do I have however pretty, thin, polite, educated, well-read, well-travelled, and civic-minded? The odds are simply not in my favor. I look at the world around me and don’t think it’s possible for a young black woman like me with my idiosyncrities. I am happy being single and a virgin, as I’ve been this way my entire life, but sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out. And then I look at the women in bad or so-so relationships and feel that maybe I’m better off like this. I am speaking candidly. Sorry if I have offended anyone.



Here’s my response…