Question of the Week: “Nobody Wants Me, So Why Should I Bother?”

Yes you are absolutely right I am just still in highschool and I know I've got my whole life ahead of me and a world filled with men waiting to be with me (not literally of course but there's gotta be at least one out there) but still the irrational side of me thinks it'll be this way for the rest of my life while the rational side is saying stfu highschool and highschool boys just suck and every body knows it. So yeah its not like I'm really desperate to be with someone and honestly I could do better off without a boyfriend seeing as how I've got my whole life to look for someone but still I just can't help but crave the companionship every once in a while, especially seeing everyone else around me with it.

YOu are just in HIGHSCHOOL.....in college, its very different

This letter hit the nail on the head for me because this is exactly how I feel. Walking through the school hallways I see a cute boy I've got a crush on (a white boy) and when he looks at me I think, maybe he feels the same way at least a little bit, but then I see him talking to a thin white girl and the small hope kind of pops into oblivion. I automatically think why would he want me when he could have that.  I'm only attracted to white men, and I honestly don't see myself spending the rest of my life with any other race (I'm not saying its not possible but still) but there is an insistent part of me that doesn't think it'll happen . Ever. Simply because I can't help but think that white men will never see me that way. Idk maybe I just have to wait until college and see what happens, until then.... I'll keep on hoping I guess

I'm wondering, has this woman ever met another human being? I'm only 21 and I've met my fair share of genuinely good, nice men. I maybe didn't think of them in a marriage/relationship context at the time, but with at least one of them that could have been possible. That said, ya gotta love yourself first. Anyone who can't complement your self-love doesn't even deserve a second glance or a second of your time. I think that is something she's still working on. Also sounds like she really fears being hurt... I do too. I feel like nobody deserves the opportunity to hurt me if that's all that will come of a relationship with them. But you never know until you try, right? The choice is always ours...

Therapy, asap. Good luck.

yeah i feel that way too im 27 years old and i get worried but  i try to stay optimistic and believe that God will provide. I feel like that thought that i'll never find someone is always at the back of my  head. but i still try to think optimistically about it ... its not easy but well im not gonna settle and neither should you.

My dear young sister, your letter is painful to read and I'm sure the thoughts you expressed are painful to live.  Please know that you are not doomed to be miserable and alone.  You have a good heart and good intentions and those two things will take you far in life.

We women are blessed with our femininity; it is a beautiful gift which we should carry with pride.  We can give life and nurture it, which is part of our special beauty.  It takes a special kind of strength to do those things, and it is within you.  We can appreciate the same things in ourselves that men find irresistable, which are our body form and beauty.  Each woman's appeal is unique, and will attract a unique man who is drawn to it.  It is the natural progression in the cycle of life.  As such, we have much to be proud of in being blessed with womanhood.  Please direct your attention to your uniqueness and your feminine gifts.  To do less is to deny nature and the obvious.  That is the source of your feminine pride.

It appears to me that you fear risking rejection or failure; let me assure you, that fear is unfounded.  Risk is part of life and impossible to avoid.  Take it from an old lady--I have learned far more from my failures than I ever did from my successes.  When we fail to achieve the desired result of our efforts, we don't run and hide--instead, we examine what went wrong, formulate a new game plan and try again.  Success on the first try at anything is not a matter of personal worth.  It is called LUCK.  To back away from a desired goal because we fear failure is reminiscent of the old Aesop's fable about the fox and the grapes.  The fox simply gave up trying to reach the grapes and comforted himself with the thought that they were probably sour anyway.  Defeatist attitudes invariably result in defeat.  I wish I could remember who it was who said "With great risk comes great reward." (Help me out here, Law.  I'll bet you know who said it)

While it is natural to want to protect our soft inner selves, it is no way to live a fulfilling life.  Choose your goals wisely and never give up.  Gather your feminine pride and pursue those things that you believe will make your life more full and more meaningful.  Pay no attention to what others say about your choices; as you grow older, you will discover how little the opinions of others contribute to your personal happiness.  Use the many gifts that are evident in your letter to have the life you want and don't worry so much about failure.  You can't avoid it from time to time and it will make you wiser and more resilient.

Most of all, you have my best wishes for a happier future.  You deserve it, but you have to go get it for yourself.

This article made me ask myself, are we women first or are we black first? I ask this question often. I definitely think that this is an issue that can be worked on with a little counseling and talking to others you trust. I think a lot of women have these feelings. There is no harm in seeking counseling especially when it stands to improve your life and how you see yourself. Counseling was one of the best things I did in my early years of college. 

You are worthy because you are a child of God.

Oye, Bendito!!!! *hugs* You sound like a wonderful person who has a lot to offer someone. Since where I am in my life is not far from where you are, the only thing I can tell you that helps me is to do your best to make sure to surround yourself with people, things, hobbies, and ideas that bring out the love you have in yourself and the peace and joy that comes with it. Play with the animals, spend time with people who know you matter, watch a movie, read books, do anything and everything that you find enjoyable in life! And while you are enjoying and loving life, people will come into your life wanting to either siphpn your happiness or share it...that's just how life is :/ Be blessed!

I understand you are coming from, E. An unfortunate number of Black women suffer self defeatists thoughts. But, many will not admit it for fear of being ridiculed. Society in general has a tendency to throw these emotional issues back in our faces, and tell us to snap out of it. But, reinforcement is sometimes projected in several inescapable places (home, work, social, etc.). It can be hard to see beyond it if you feel as though you are drowning in it...especially if you have resigned yourself to hopelessness. Those of use who choose not to talk, or don't have anyone to talk to, get lost and sometimes stay lost, and truly believe all of the negativity we hear and perceive. I am sure several of us have gone through various versions and intensities of this over a period of time.

One of the best things that I can suggest is communicating with progressive minded Black women online, in person, and especially as Neecy suggested, with a therapist. Cover all bases, if you feel like it. For me, I thought that no one could help, I was different, and that other women had something that I would never possess. I believed that positive things could only happen to other women and never to me, because I was flawed, though I could never put my finger on "my" problem. That is how far down I got, and it became depressing. Being beat down emotionally solidified it for me. (ex husband & later ex boyfriend). You have not had direct problems with men. But this society, though sometimes indirect, can still be very harmful and dismissive of your state of mind, especially as a Black woman.

Eventually, I did attend therapy, but I really wanted a Black therapist, and that did not happen. The racial aspects of my feelings did not translate well to my White female therapist. Not to say this happens with all non-Black therapists, but it does happen at times, and can be quite frustrating. Fortunately, today there are an increasing number of Black female therapists in America. At the time, I thought there were only a handful of Black female therapists scattered across America. I also thought my problem was not bad enough, and that I could live with it. So sad. But, such is life for those of us who choose to assume things and keep silent. At least you are communicating your feelings. That is the first step. You don't have to rush. But, keep taking steps, even if they are small. Every step in the direction of self love and self awareness is worth the effort.

I am glad that you kept your body to yourself. So many young women give in to men sexually, assuming that it will give them self worth, love, or value. That never, ever works. Who knows, maybe you might save it for marriage. I hope that more young women learn to value their sexuality instead of using it to bargain.

The most important thing for you right now is to develop thought transition. I did it. Honestly, it was not easy, and I fought it hard at first. It didn't seem natural and I was afraid to open myself up to change. I thought it would backfire, and that I would be proven right by my perceptions. But, ultimately, developing healthy thoughts was well worth the efforts.

I am glad that you reached out enough to share your thoughts, since you didn't have to. Helping each other is good for us also, no matter what stage of self development we are currently experiencing. Sometimes, I am surprised that I can give words of encouragement to anyone...that I have actually come far enough to be able to do this. My downward spiral started over 10 years ago, and I was still a wreck less than 5 years ago. Sharing is still pretty new to me, because I tend to be more on the quiet side (introvert). But, I have always enjoyed writing. Lastly, I love all of the encouragement that I have been given. We all know that, as Black women, we truly need and appreciate it. Reach out if and whenever you want, but no need for apologies.  :-)

Hello, I can truly sympathize and empathize how you are feeling.  For so long I did not have self esteem either and felt that "Uh no one will even look my way."  I know I have a lot to bring to a relationship such as my love and when that one finds me, he will be the one to see my special qualities as the same with you.  You have to first work on self and looking in the mirror to say " Hey I am great and my one is waiting".  It seems that you are never rude or cruel to others ever, so you are not ever allowed to be cruel to yourself.  This includes the negative self talks and feelings.  You would never look at someone and say " No body wants you", so you can't say that to yourself.  Rise above and shine....

Hi there...well, I don't know how good my advice would be.  But I will share a little something about myself--and that is that I am just beginning to emerge from the state of mind where I perceived that no men wanted me, despite evidence to the contrary.  The issue, however, is that I was stuck in a harmful mindset, and my perception became my reality.

Okay, so I definitely studied more than one thing in college, but one of my major focuses was psychology.  I have noticed through studies and through real life that one of the first keys to getting what you want is believing that you can have what you want.  For example, I had a few acquaintances who were considered "nothing special" earlier in college, but then they acquired self-confidence and high self-worth, blossomed, and many people suddenly wanted to be their friends, date them, heck, even marry them!

Honestly, it took me three years after figuring out this "secret" to understand it fully.  I was 19 when I started finding out about this, and I am just now starting to see that it is true--that a large part of what you see is what you think and feel in your mind.

So I have gone on a lot about a change of mindset--but I feel that this is the most important action.  I wholeheartedly believe that without a change in mindset, your actions will still be empty, distrustful, and will lack fruitfulness.  When I tried to emulate the actions of the friends I mentioned before without first acquiring confidence, it only served to make me look and feel foolish.  People can tell when you are faking!

So what are some things that are changing the way I think?  I'll explain in the next comment...

Dear letterwriter E,

You are not alone with your feelings. It is common for most people to be struck with feelings of self-doubt or inferiority at some point in their lives. It is also common that these feelings may go away on their own, if they are not fed.

I think you need to come to terms with what happened with your sister and whoever that was ("him being a 'Christian' man"). You are not your sister. You are an individual just as she is. There are no 'odds' that what happened to her will also happen to you. That man is not an indicator of all men. If this is an instance of abuse, please go to the police and seek help and support for your sister.

I co-sign on Chris' advice that you should definitely find someone to talk to about your feelings. I wish you all the best.

While I wouldn't advise anyone to nurture feelings of inferiority or negativity (more on that later), being mindful of how women can be mistreated by ANY man and not wanting to be one of them is quite healthy.  That part reminds me of myself in my early 20s.

But here's the spoiler alert:  If you take a risk on love, you can get hurt.  You can trust yourself and make good decisions to avoid the worst, but you can't control everything.  I hope that you learn to let some things go and LIVE.  I grant you that a shocking number of men are an absolute disgrace to humanity, but there are PLENTY who are not. Don't take it personally when you encounter the former, and don't miss out on encountering the latter because dealing with/hiding from the DBRs has made you bitter and hostile.

"Really, why would a white male (who is the top of society that THEY created) even bother trying to see past their preconcieved notions about me and really SEE me for me? Why would they even bother? What would be in it for them when they can have the prized non-black, ideally white woman (who can cook/clean/give sex/ be a life companion without the disapproval of society)?"

I'll try a different approach to answer this question:  If you have bought into the notion that White men are on top, that they call the shots, then what follows is something you should accept as true based on your perspective. Consider that, as the perceived shotcallers, they can do whatever the hell they want, and they know it. The women of the world lie conquered at their feet, literally or figuratively.  If a White man decides he wants a Black woman, that's it in his mind, and he'll proceed.  He is not used to justifying his choices or decisions.  He's used to going after and getting what he wants.  If a White guy who (apparently) can have any woman he wants, but wants you, he has made a pretty interesting choice precisely because he can have the non-Black woman you consider the ideal prize.  But he seems to want you anyway, and these days, you can choose a quality man with good intentions instead of being subjected to whatever treatment he wishes to dole out.  So if a shotcaller makes a play, rather than ask "why" maybe ask "why not?"

My point is that you can't have your all-powerful, all conquering White male cake and eat it too.  The answer to your question, given the way you think about it, has to be "because he wants to."

Okay. People want you. I honestly think you should listen to this awesome advice. And me all optimistic and giddy. I think you think too much actually, you seem really smart too. Just live and be a dumbass for a while. Don't think about everybody wanting you or not wanting you.. just do you. 

I would say to the Letter Writer that she's right to be cautious about opening herself up, but shouldn't shut herself off to meeting a good man.  Don't lower your standards, and as Evia always says "vet, vet, vet" all men carefully before making any commitments.

You're only 24 so you can finish up with your educational pursuits and enjoy your travels while you meet and vet men.

Not sure why you think noboby wants you.  You just haven't met him yet.

I understand your struggle. I often feel that I won't find a man that will be faithful so why bother. I once had a white guy tell me that he can't promise that he'd never cheat. When we have bad experiences, we are vulnerable to throwing in the towel and giving up. All I can say is this: It is simply not true that you will never find someone to love or marry you. Just keep living and socializing, he will come along.

You even have youth  on your side. Hang in there.

It's true, there are guys who would never touch a black woman with a 10 foot pole (and please believe there are men who would never touch a white woman as well). Consider that a filter in itself that lets the men who would want you, to float to the top and make themselves available to you. A concern I have is that because of your own pre-conceived notions, you're not open to seeing and accepting these men when they do make themselves available. You mean to tell me, given your credentials and time spent around the world no one has made you feel wanted? I say nay. They are out there, otherwise a blog like this wouldn't exsit. You just need to realize that they are and recognize them when they put out the effort. Break down your walls because your "one" is probably trying to chip away from the other side

Cheer up "E"! We are all fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.  If someone has a problem with how you were made then they have a problem with HIM and need to address it upwards :))  You sound like a really beautiful person so don't let others insecurities weigh you down into obscurity.  There's an artist, Lisa McClendon, with a song called Who I Am (2009 cd).  Its a wonderful tribute to women especially those of African descent.  Check out the first verse:  

I'm made like Eve

Only I am me

 Though I came from him

He originally Made in His image

Did I forget to mention

He took His time When He made my kind

Come to appreciate what He creates

I won't compare myself to anybody else

Cause I'm me Everything you see is how He made me

Link to a friends video with song   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyw_UYyR2E0

You have to search within yourself to explore what makes you worthwhile. If you don't value yourself, certain men are able to see that and will use it to their advantage. Guard your heart and know that you are beautiful just as you are.

I am so sorry to hear of your pain but I am glad you had the courage to share your feelings with us.  Remember, God created black women and this is a LIE that black women are somehow not attractive?   I never thought that ever my whole life, on the contrary, I always found black woman Exceptionally Beautiful!  But my whole point which applies to all ethnic backgrounds is that God did not create any ethnic background unattractive or inferior to the other.  There's no such thing as black women are an unattractive race-that's not reality.  Reality is that black women are equally beautiful as any other race.  It doesn't matter what anyone says, the world, society, the men you encounter say or anything else.   You have to accept the fact that you are valued and beautiful as God created you. You are a gift from God--special, beautiful, desirable and God's very best for the man of your dreams.   I feel like you have gravitated to a lot of negative beliefs and accepted those lies and built a large part of how you view yourself and the world through that lens of negative lies.  Now is the time to consider these truths and search for more truth as well and replace those old lies and cling to those truths no matter what.  This is where your life will find freedom in the truth of who you really are.  As I read your story, I want you to know how heartbreaking it was to hear of your sadness.  It's funny because, I was told that black women were not interested in me and I had prayed God would give me a black woman for a wife.  Finally after a long time (years) of never meeting someone special, I gave up and said, "God whatever you want for my life I'll be happy."  I stopped praying for a black woman and in like a few weeks I had met my wife to be and yes she is black and I am a the happiest man in the world.  

If I may suggest a therapist. And I mean this in the sincerest of ways. HEY I have gone to therapy for certain things! No shame in my game. LOL

Seriously. This line of thinking can only be reframed by receiving proper professional therapy. We have no idea what is running beneath this sister to have such low self esteem and I think she should certainly seek out therapy to help her work this out. I am not sure that comments on a blog will really help her change her overall mindframe our outlook about her situation otherwise although she reached out. She needs to take it a step further and get therapy.

I say this because we have post after post and archives on this blog along with commenters that have proven this idea to be untrue.  So its definitely worth considering IMO.

And i really wish her the best. I know how hard it is for Black women in the world. But I still have optimism and so do a lot of other Black women. When you can't find optimism, it can break you down and before you know it you are much older and nothing has changed. She needs to get help now while she is still young so that she will not have to go further in life feeling this way which is very unhealthy.

I haven't listened to Chris' response yet, but I did want to say this to the letter writer.  Please know that all white men don't view black women through stereotypical filters.  My husband (white) had never dated a black girl before when we met.  But, he saw me simply as a WOMAN (no race attached) that he was attracted to and he acted on those feelings.  I was just as much of a viable dating and potential marriage partner as any other race of woman on campus (and there were several others girls of various backgrounds (Asian, White, Indian) interested in dating him when we met!).  It didn't matter to him what stereotypes existed about black women.  He saw me as an individual and as someone that didn't fit any of those stereotypes!  

"I don’t believe it is possible for them to view me outside of the small box they created for me."

There is no box! :)  The only person that can box you in is you.