*rubs face slowly, sighs irritably*
I was inspired to write this particular blog by a link that was shared with me by a friend of mine. I cannot and will not go into particulars about the writer in question because (1) I do not want to give him any more hits than he already has and (2) his identity is irrelevant; what’s important is that there are men of all races and ethnicities out in the big wide world just like him. And if you are going out into that world looking for love and happiness, odds are, you’re going to bump into them. If you haven’t already.
Remember when all those “betas” came crawling out of the woodwork to cry about what an “alpha” really is? It turns out this person had his own idea as well. He writes that alphas are men (not kidding here) who mentally manipulate and abuse women because women are happiest when they are walking on eggshells, feeling insufficient and unworthy of love. Also, alpha women don’t exist apparently. O_o
He and men like him honestly believe that being an alpha means being a weak, passive-aggressive narcissist who has no concept of love and mistakes fear of commitment for power. To illustrate my point, see how familiar the items listed sound (male regulars, this goes for you as well):
– Says things that catch you off guard and make you feel insecure
– Intentionally forgets things or shows up late, often as a way to punish
– Fear of having to compete with others; would prefer the other person work to keep things going
– Victim-mentality: Wants constant pity for problems; eager to blame others rather than take responsibility if wrong
– In order to win an argument or deny a wrongdoing, will conveniently forget events and how they happened.
– Prefers to sulk or give the “silent treatment”/ “cold shoulder” rather than directly communicate their feelings
– Fear of trust and dependency leads to manipulating situations so they are always in control
The person doesn’t necessarily need to have all those traits, but if you are nodding about most of them, chances are the person you are thinking of is passive-aggressive. Probably a “Nice Guy (TM)” rather than simply a nice guy; someone who thinks the way to your heart is through head-games rather than an honest and open relationship built on LOVE and RESPECT.
Now, are all passive-aggressive betas bad people? No, but I have never been in the habit of telling black women to settle in any way, shape, or form. When I say shoot for the moon, ladies, I mean go ahead and inexplicably pull out that bazooka and aim for the Plinius crater, fully expecting to hit that sucker.
Also know that I’ve never been the kind of woman who didn’t like knowing exactly where I stood. And this is with anyone, regardless of the kind of relationship. I am not interested in trying to read your mind, guess your mood, figure you out, etc. This is not the county fair and I will not be taking your ticket: If you want me to know what it is you think or feel, open your mouth and speak or if words aren’t sufficient, demonstrate through action.
If you desire a relationship with a man who is loving and respectful towards you, go for one that is not afraid to be open about his feelings. There is nothing attractive about a man who lives in fear of showing you how much he loves you. I don’t mean the kind of guy who doesn’t tell you “I love you” every five minutes. I mean a man who has so much baggage, he is incapable of showing you any form of healthy love and affection.
A man who is afraid to emotionally commit to you is simply not a man that you can trust to be there for you in the hardest of times, and if you want someone you can count on, this is not the kind of man you need to put anywhere near the top of your list.
Women are often expected to be loving, forgiving, and accepting. Often times to the point they are put in mental, emotional and physical danger. The truth is being a loving accepting person does not mean putting up with abuse of any kind. It also DOES NOT mean upon learning that a man is going to have mental and or emotional problems that will negatively impact you, you are obligated to stick around for the sake of being a good person. There are no gold stars awarded for binding yourself to a loser who is going to make you sorry to wake up every morning. There is no prize for being with a man that makes your relationship about how much control he has over you because to him, controlling you is more worthwhile than loving you.
You are worthy of the best, ladies, and that means feeling free to pass on any man that has ruled himself out by being everything you DON’T need or want in a mate. If someone signals to you that things are going to go badly because they have no intention of giving you the love and respect you need and deserve, you have no right to be surprised should you decide to ignore all the red flags and “make it work like a good woman should”.
I am warning you: For the sake of your sanity, self-respect, and any children you intend to have/already have-make sure that you go for a man that is not DBR in any way. It doesn’t matter to me whether that damage is out on display or if that damage is marked “Don’t Open Until X-MAS!!!”. Whether obvious or subtle, it makes no difference at all. Do not rationalize or justify a situation where you are with someone that deep down, you know you need to get the heck away from.
If you are striving to be an alpha, a respectable and sensible black woman who has so many wonderful things going for her, how much sense does it make to lower yourself for a man trying to dupe you into believing that he’s anything other than an omega, let alone a beta? Because these men talk a good game about how “alpha” they are. Actions speak louder than words, remember that.
Boy that’s great @Toni, I cant stand passive aggressive ppl particularly men its so unmanly to be passive aggressive. They are the worst, my ex husband was passive aggressive, it just makes me want to vomit b/c it’s so manipulative and abusive. That whole list you wrote up there I’ve been describing my weekly series ‘Know Your Emotional Abuser’ all of are those are forms of emo abuse. I’m not done with the series but the second one is abusive expectations, the fifth one is gaslighting, the sixth one is emotional blackmail. I don’t like not knowing where I stand either maybe that’s b/c you’re a Virgo and I’m a Taurus LOL. I hate games, it’s cruel and unnecessary and any man that would do that to a woman is sick and not a man in any way.
Typo I meant to say ‘ I like knowing where I stand…’
@eugeniaberg Yup, Earth signs love getting right to the point. ;D
I was tempted to share the link because what I saw was just so ridiculous it disgusted me. And his “advice” was a lot of passive aggressive fueled manipulation and he was pretty much a loser and a coward. What got me was that he SWORE up and down that his catty behavior was “alpha”. SMH.
So many women are wasting their time building up the egos of these manipulative losers, I swear. :/
@Toni_M That’s the sad part, that a bunch co-dependent women are taking on loser issues. They’re not their issues, I just did a vlog about that one. Gladly setting their faces under some passive aggressive manipulative punk a$$ dude’s boot. Well time will pass that they can never get back and wake up old, dried up, and bitter. Not the life I want or deserve.
@Toni_M @eugeniaberg “What got me was that he SWORE up and down that his catty behavior was “alpha”. SMH.”
Most alphas don’t need to proclaim they are alpha.
@eugeniaberg Love your series by the way. I started to send you the link as it relates to what you’re writing about, but I feel sorry I saw it and I know you do not expose yourself to unnecessary garbage. So I couldn’t do it to you. XD
@Toni_M It would have been interesting to see but yea it probably would have just made me mad (Taurus LOL) and I don’t need that kind of negativity I’m trying to be love so we can make a baby.
I’m glad you like the series, this post reminds me of parts of it. I really want to expose emotional abuse and I want to expose the abusers to what they do. Too many emo abuse undercover, they think they’re not abusers b/c they don’t hit anyone or they don’t scream and shout. But what you describe in this post can be very subtle and not aggressive at all. The emo abusers end goal is always to manipulate you so they can gain power and control…period. They’ll do it anyway possible.
@eugeniaberg @Toni_M That’s right. Your baby will be conceived in love by a man who married you, supports you and has built a firm, secure and stable life in which to raise your child.
Your man is building and securing that life. He does not have time to monitor the sites of women and attempt to glom onto their conversations like some sissy.
@Brenda55 @Toni_M Yup! And while certain ppl will spend their holiday weekend, obesssing about being one of the fabulous bw here on BB&W…literally LOL. I will be enjoying time w/ fabulous hubby at my in laws lakefront home. Y’all have a good holiday weekend.
@eugeniaberg @Brenda55 @Toni_M Awesome! 😀 Also spending time with the fam. I hope everyone has a great weekend. o/
@eugeniaberg Omigosh! I was too married to a passive aggressive ex husband. This describes him to a T. I can not stand this type of behavior whatsoever.
If you missed it, I saw it. Best example of passive aggressive ever. The internet is the playground of passive aggressive men it really is, they can do all the things they wouldn’t dare do to your face on Internet including character assisinate which is another form of emotional abuse. Yes, they’re weak w/ no time to do anything productive but whine and complain like punk a$$ men will do.
@eugeniaberg I totally missed it. I didn’t even know there was a comment until I saw this comment and went back to my inbox.
He squealed, so his toes must of got stomped on. Oh well…..
@Toni_M You know pigs are gonna do what pigs do, squeal!
@eugeniaberg @Toni_M It’s funny because I’ve been busy, working on myself living my life, and only having time to write a few articles recently. Yet this person swore up and down that this was some sort of response to whatever trifling business having to do with him. :S
Funny thing is, I did write a post with this person in mind when someone told me there was a nutjob on the internet obsessing over me: http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/um-who-are-you-why-that-grudge-youre-holding-might-be-one-sided/
And I still haven’t been to this person’s site. :S So…yep, keep drooling in the corner, Slappy. You’ve got nothing I want.
@Toni_M LOLOLOL! They’re so sick and screwed up, they can’t figure up from down. It’s bizarro world some of these folks are living in.
@Toni_M @eugeniaberg “Slappy” LOL.
http://youtu.be/G4ev-BtPMM8
@Toni_M @eugeniaberg FYI. A certain person is desperate to drive traffic to his failing site hence the brief visit. Predictable, pitiful, marginalized and easily dismissed.
Real alpha men are too busy to play on the innanet any way (lol)
These men like to play cray cray whenever you confront them on their passive aggressiveness also by turnng it around to look like your fault. You can spot them though as soon as you realize their program there is a hint of anger coming from them cuz you found them out. Run from these clowns ASAP
So called good brothers are good at this remember Khadija’s post:
http://sojournerspassport.com/for-all-practical-purposes-most-self-proclaimed-good-black-men%e2%84%a2-pookie-and-ray-ray/
@Bellydancer I have that page BOOKMARKED I LOVE and learned so much from Khadija! I’m gonna read it again.
@Bellydancer One of my favorite articles, no lie.
Ya know, I was going to say is that scary clown necessary because I was trying to avoid him since I was 7 years old. But I understand now. *Sucks it up*
ANYWAY, I’ll stay away from these men AND women. They are not for me and I won’t waste my time on one.
@Pearl Rose Don’t feel bad, I saw that pic and went, “T.T”. I’m actually not scared of clowns. Just Pennywise…
@Toni_M @Pearl Rose I’d rather waltz from dusk till dawn with Pennywise than be surprised with a picture of that lovely gentleman from Nightmare on Elm Street… *scarred for life*
@TheFrocker @Pearl Rose LOL, Freddy never scared me. Pinhead from Hellraiser on the other hand… :S Ruined me as a kid when I accidentally watched five minutes of that twisted movie.
another thought-provoking post,Toni.
pennywise the dancing clown..from the movie “It.”
Outstanding advice! There are so many men that treat women….scratch that, so many younger men too, not just these grown-a.. ones! This is why I tell my daughters, and my son too, to always choose someone who will respect them, love them and always cherish them. Never someone who would raise their hands to them! It’s so easily said when someone else is in a situation, but if they learn from their own parents (though sometimes, even then it’s difficult when the parent is damaged too), they can know when to spot these types of predators, and make no mistake, they are predators! As my mom used to say, “silent river run deep” of these types of people!
“I was inspired to write this particular blog by a link that was shared with me by a friend of mine. ”
For further background, the girl in question is (1) white (2) has no reason to stalk anti-BWE sites. The inspiration was actually from no part of Trolladelphia, but then *we* already knew that dysfunctional behaviors were never limited to any particular race or ethnic group. A DBR is a DBR no matter where he or she comes from.
This is something you shouldn’t forget, because I sometimes see black women going into IR dating thinking that dysfunction is honestly something limited to the twisted corners of the black community or unaware of other dysfunction that exists but they won’t recognize because they only recognize certain red flags because they’re used to dealing with a certain type of dysfunction.
There are many kinds of twisted people. Do not give them an opportunity to get YOU all twisted. Avoid them.
I’ll take single over that crap. Call me “70%”, I’ll be that on a beach in Fiji. 50 years old with a local gigolo and lovin it.
Yeah you have to careful out here. You never know who might, as African Americans say, “try you”. Don’t think an education is a filter for abusive behavior either. You’d be amazed at how many educated fools use their position to isolate and then abuse their partners. Have you thinking that not only is the world against you but to stay put because you can’t do any better. <Hey where have we heard/seen this before?
Another excellent post Toni! Best to recognize the signs and vacate the situation before getting tangled up in some mess. “They all float down here” wasnt too cool in the movie and omega/DBR behavior certainly isn’t something to get tangled in IRL. Sorry for the quote, but everytime I see that Tim Curry clown photo, that’s the first thing that comes to my mind. LOL
Seriously though, thank you for the post and pointing out the red flags!
@MyBetterSelf This character rarely attacked anyone directly, and if he did, they were the helpless variety. Mind games and fear and instilling doubt was how this particular monster worked.
So I guess it really does fit.
@Toni_M Wow! Double-scary then. :-
@Toni_M Wow. Double-scary then. :-
Sounds like this dude right here:
http://thegrio.com/2012/08/30/texas-11-year-old-girl-rape-case-testimony-concludes-with-defendant-on-the-lam/
You (dude), and 19 others, can rape a child like a pack of animals, faking “manhood” , but can’t man up and do the time (facing life), weak ass punk ass b-y-o-t-c-h-e-s.
Also, Toni, sounds exactly like my “faddah”, I have NO RESPECT for him as the fecal matter that he truly is. So much so, my muddah and I don’t, and mostly likely won’t, ever really deal like mothers and daughters are, allegedly, supposed to, we aren’t friends I like a mans’ man, like the one I’m currently in a relationship with now. He is a doer and has protected me verbally and physically in certain situations, says what he means and means what he says. That’s what I like, chumps need not apply.
” I like a mans’ man, like the one I’m currently in a relationship with now. He is a doer and has protected me verbally and physically in certain situations, says what he means and means what he says. That’s what I like, chumps need not apply.”
@DeepWater Amen
And after checking out your link above I stumbled upon this fecal matter
http://thegrio.com/2012/08/31/white-savannah-man-allegedly-badly-beaten-for-having-black-girlfriend/?fb_ref=http%3A%2F%2Fthegrio.com
SMH the Beta Omegas(BO’s) strike again.
@DeepWaterhttp://www.wtoc.com/story/19413516/interracial-couple-says-they-were-targeted
So sad. Hopefully they will arrest the three guys and punish them to the full extent.
@mdiva2002 Exactly.
@mdiva2002 @DeepWater My goodness.. this is so sickening. That’s kind of the reason why I want a big and tall man with a deep voice, NO ONE would dare try and start anything with him.
@mdiva2002 Now this is truly messed up. You’re sooooooo right, BO’s, bwaaaaaaaahhhhaaa – Beta Omegas – strike again, and again,and again.
@DeepWater I don’t know how I missed this comment but, YES!
“I like a mans’ man, like the one I’m currently in a relationship with now. He is a doer and has protected me verbally and physically in certain situations, says what he means and means what he says. That’s what I like, chumps need not apply.”
YES AGAIN!
@Pearl Rose Bwaaahhaaaa. You got that right – lol.
Talking about Alphas, I just saw the sexiest one of all today at the bus not. It had nothing to do with his looks and everything to do with his actions. I don’t know any names so I’m making that up so the story won’t get confusing.
So Bob’s truck broke down at the light right in front of the bus stop and was trying to get in started but he was not able to get it started and decides he will to push the truck out of the way but he obviously can’t get it moved on his own. All these big strong “men” at the stop just watches. Meanwhile Allen is waiting patiently behind him never honking and driving off. As soon as he realizes that Bob is unable to move the truck on his own, he parks his car and turns his emergency light on and hops out the car to help. The “men” at the bus stop finally realize what the definition of a man was, and two of them ran over to help.
Ladies, an Alpha is a man of action who doesn’t have to be prompted to do anything and is just caring and helpful. If that isn’t sexy then I don’t know what is. I went home with that image seared in my mind, and all I could think was that’s the kind of man I want in my life.
Sorry about some of my grammatical errors.
I read this earlier today and this just set the whole world on fire Katniss Everdeen! These guys make me sick and yes I was married to one of them too. I can not stand fake a** poser passive aggressive male that masks himself as an “Alpha.” They do not know the meaning of Alpha male. I know that many of us ran into, dated, even married one of these dorks. I work at a school at night , cleaning. One of the male teachers is an Alpha male and without warning or asking me, swept my rugs for me. And asked me “Is there anything you want me to do for you?” No I replied and thank him. Mighty funny that when he walked through the door at 1st school inservice that I zoomed on him. The Alpha-ness rays was beaming across the room.
Ladies, take PLENTY of notes!!
Great job & wonderful article Toni! I’m going to use this in my blog Sunday.
Oops error!
My brain is mush from working tonight. I meant ” passive aggressive male asshole that a masks himself as Alpha.
Talk about losers here are three to add to the pile.
http://www.wtoc.com/story/19413516/interracial-couple-says-they-were-targeted
@Brenda55 I just posted the link below. It is unbelievable what some people would do to spread their hate and filth. The Beta Omegas’s(BO’s) have hit a all time new low. The sad thing is if this would have been a black guy beaten by three white or hispanic men for having a non-black girlfriend the GAT-DL, Rev. Sharpton and every other figure from the black community would have been all over this.
@mdiva2002 They ran true to type. They ganged up on him three to one the way cowards do. This is a hate crime and should be prosecuted as such.
Wow! I’ve literally just finished dealing with a guy like this. They are so insecure and unhappy with their lives that they’ll do anything to make you feel just as miserable and unhappy. It’s like emotional suicide. I’ve learned my lesson.
“A man who is afraid to emotionally commit to you is simply not a man that you can trust to be there for you in the hardest of times, and if you want someone you can count on, this is not the kind of man you need to put anywhere near the top of your list.”
This kind of wisdom never grows old. You rock, Toni!
Funny, I am in a situation with a man like this. He has decided to give me the cold shoulder because he is upset over a political disagreement. He has done this before and I told him I would not be reaching out to him if he did the “silent treatment” again-going on 7 days no contact.
He also has had some hard times in the past, but what I hear from him when he talks about it is how others persecuted him. I mean really, take responsibility for your own decisions, he made some really bad decisions that put him in the positions he ultimately encountered, but he ignores that. (SMH)
I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but acting like a 5 year old entitled momma’s boy brat is not cute at the age of 44. (seriously he still calls his mom and dad to give him stuff and complains or gets angry when they don’t, its pathetic)
This is such a good article, I have to say a beta man will talk about how strong an alpha he is but it is truly really just words.
Two thumbs up on this one.
The description of the beta-disguised-as-alpha fits my father to a tee. He has given both me and my mother the silent treatment. His passive aggressiveness and controlling behaviors, as well as gaslighting, had horrible effects on my self esteem growing up.