*rubs face slowly, sighs irritably*
I was inspired to write this particular blog by a link that was shared with me by a friend of mine. I cannot and will not go into particulars about the writer in question because (1) I do not want to give him any more hits than he already has and (2) his identity is irrelevant; what’s important is that there are men of all races and ethnicities out in the big wide world just like him. And if you are going out into that world looking for love and happiness, odds are, you’re going to bump into them. If you haven’t already.
Remember when all those “betas” came crawling out of the woodwork to cry about what an “alpha” really is? It turns out this person had his own idea as well. He writes that alphas are men (not kidding here) who mentally manipulate and abuse women because women are happiest when they are walking on eggshells, feeling insufficient and unworthy of love. Also, alpha women don’t exist apparently. O_o
He and men like him honestly believe that being an alpha means being a weak, passive-aggressive narcissist who has no concept of love and mistakes fear of commitment for power. To illustrate my point, see how familiar the items listed sound (male regulars, this goes for you as well):
- Says things that catch you off guard and make you feel insecure
- Intentionally forgets things or shows up late, often as a way to punish
- Fear of having to compete with others; would prefer the other person work to keep things going
- Victim-mentality: Wants constant pity for problems; eager to blame others rather than take responsibility if wrong
- In order to win an argument or deny a wrongdoing, will conveniently forget events and how they happened.
- Prefers to sulk or give the “silent treatment”/ “cold shoulder” rather than directly communicate their feelings
- Fear of trust and dependency leads to manipulating situations so they are always in control
The person doesn’t necessarily need to have all those traits, but if you are nodding about most of them, chances are the person you are thinking of is passive-aggressive. Probably a “Nice Guy (TM)” rather than simply a nice guy; someone who thinks the way to your heart is through head-games rather than an honest and open relationship built on LOVE and RESPECT.
Now, are all passive-aggressive betas bad people? No, but I have never been in the habit of telling black women to settle in any way, shape, or form. When I say shoot for the moon, ladies, I mean go ahead and inexplicably pull out that bazooka and aim for the Plinius crater, fully expecting to hit that sucker.
Also know that I’ve never been the kind of woman who didn’t like knowing exactly where I stood. And this is with anyone, regardless of the kind of relationship. I am not interested in trying to read your mind, guess your mood, figure you out, etc. This is not the county fair and I will not be taking your ticket: If you want me to know what it is you think or feel, open your mouth and speak or if words aren’t sufficient, demonstrate through action.
If you desire a relationship with a man who is loving and respectful towards you, go for one that is not afraid to be open about his feelings. There is nothing attractive about a man who lives in fear of showing you how much he loves you. I don’t mean the kind of guy who doesn’t tell you “I love you” every five minutes. I mean a man who has so much baggage, he is incapable of showing you any form of healthy love and affection.
A man who is afraid to emotionally commit to you is simply not a man that you can trust to be there for you in the hardest of times, and if you want someone you can count on, this is not the kind of man you need to put anywhere near the top of your list.
Women are often expected to be loving, forgiving, and accepting. Often times to the point they are put in mental, emotional and physical danger. The truth is being a loving accepting person does not mean putting up with abuse of any kind. It also DOES NOT mean upon learning that a man is going to have mental and or emotional problems that will negatively impact you, you are obligated to stick around for the sake of being a good person. There are no gold stars awarded for binding yourself to a loser who is going to make you sorry to wake up every morning. There is no prize for being with a man that makes your relationship about how much control he has over you because to him, controlling you is more worthwhile than loving you.
You are worthy of the best, ladies, and that means feeling free to pass on any man that has ruled himself out by being everything you DON’T need or want in a mate. If someone signals to you that things are going to go badly because they have no intention of giving you the love and respect you need and deserve, you have no right to be surprised should you decide to ignore all the red flags and “make it work like a good woman should”.
I am warning you: For the sake of your sanity, self-respect, and any children you intend to have/already have-make sure that you go for a man that is not DBR in any way. It doesn’t matter to me whether that damage is out on display or if that damage is marked “Don’t Open Until X-MAS!!!”. Whether obvious or subtle, it makes no difference at all. Do not rationalize or justify a situation where you are with someone that deep down, you know you need to get the heck away from.
If you are striving to be an alpha, a respectable and sensible black woman who has so many wonderful things going for her, how much sense does it make to lower yourself for a man trying to dupe you into believing that he’s anything other than an omega, let alone a beta? Because these men talk a good game about how “alpha” they are. Actions speak louder than words, remember that.