Fairly recently we’ve had articles addressing the fact that DBRism is something black women should expect to avoid not just in black men, but in non-black men as well. Despite this, the belief persists that IRR-minded black women, to put it bluntly, will give white men passes for certain behaviors or thoughts that are at the very least questionable, if not outright problematic.
I experienced this accusation first hand a while ago when I had someone run a test on me by posing as a white guy in order to trip me up as well as cast this community in a negative light. I imagine the point was to prove that IRR-minded black women are so desperate, we’ll believe anything a white man says so long as they pay us attention. This isn’t the first time I’ve had this accusation aimed at me, but it was the first time I’d witness anyone go to such lengths to prove the existence of “white guy passes”.
There are no doubt many pro-IRR black women who’ve experienced this type of accusation in some form.
And here is the thing: I am prepared to say that I believe that “white guy passes” exist.
First, I do think there is a segment of black women who are through with black men and the black community as a whole. In order to be accepted by other groups, they feel they must put up with disrespectful behavior. They’ll overlook mistreatment or ignore it in order to feel a sense of belonging or what they interpret as love and acceptance.
This is only hard to fathom when you don’t take into consideration the fact that there are women who are routinely ignored, ostracized and outright despised for being “too dark”. I cannot begin to imagine being treated so grotesquely by other so-called black people about something that is supposed to be a source of pride and then have these same clowns turn around and tell you that you can’t trust white people because “they’ll discriminate against you!”
I would sue over the whiplash.
When you are used to being treated badly, you never question whether or not it’s wrong that someone is mistreating you. You may even make excuses or justifications for that person or group.
It’s safe to say that the core reason a “pass” is granted is more so about low self-esteem than anything else. That and the belief that, “At least it’s not another black person putting me down.” This would be the flip-side of black women who accept and justify all sorts of ugly behavior so long as the person mistreating them is also black.
In either case, looking to race to determine whether or not to allow disrespect is an obvious no-no. It’s not about race, it’s about RESPECT. Regardless of the color or ethnicity of the person, they are not worth your time or energy if they are looking to step on you. You are truly in a sad place when you’re granting passes for people to mistreat you regardless of whether or not they are a member of your ethnic group.
Another instance where a “white guy pass” may seem to have been given is when there are black women who aren’t really used to dealing with trifling and shady non-black men exhibiting DBR behaviors that are different from the kind of bad behaviors they attribute to DBR black men.
It’s sort of like how sleazy men try and charm foreign women on vacation in their area. These men can get over on more naive women tourists who aren’t used to their behavior in the context of their culture (or how abnormal it may actually be in the context of their culture). They allow the difference of scenery and the difference in accent to dupe them into believing they are being romanced, rather than used with the intention of dumping soon after*. Compare this to women who are born and raised in that ethnic group or location and see these characters coming a mile away. These slimeballs don’t have a chance in Hades with the women who know better, so naturally those aren’t the women they go for.
Just the same, there are black women who don’t know better and who miss red flags because they never knew these flags existed. At least in a way that is wholly different from what they would expect when confronted with black men.
They may be so tuned into BM DBR behaviors that unless it is a BM-identified WM, they have no idea what certain unacceptable behaviors look like when that person is not black.
So another person who sees the red flags could assume that the black woman or women also see them. And then assume she or they are purposely ignoring them. Not always.
And lastly of course, there really are black women who are overly eager to please and impress non-black men to the point where they will give them passes. Again, it’s clearly a matter of low self-esteem and well as a lack of self-validity.
So to be honest, I really do think there are instances where one can perceive black women as giving a “white guy pass”.
HOWEVER, I think that there is a difference between a black woman who grants “white guy passes” because she has low self-esteem or she doesn’t know any better and the accusations of such passes that I’ve seen. Because what’s hinted at has little to do with a genuine concern for the well-being of black women who date interracially. Instead, it is an attempt to peg such women as wanting to land any old white guy at any cost.
I do believe it’s a variation of the “nobody wants you!” meme; the gist being that black women who want to swirl are desperate and don’t love themselves and will put up with anything to be wanted.
This belief system is no doubt a comfort to certain people still trying to figure out what’s supposedly wrong with black women who date/marry interracially. Or persons who just don’t like the idea of black women being so trusting and accepting of white men. Especially when they take no crap from “their own people”.
No doubt sensible and self-assured black women hardly appreciate the idea that they can’t form an opinion without a white man’s approval. What a slap in the face! The idea that you as a black woman cannot exist without constantly seeking someone else’s validation or good opinion. Or that anything and everything you do MUST go back to someone’s assumption that black women, especially interracially-minded black women, lack self-validation.
For my part, I’ll go so far as to say that a great deal of women who swirl that I’ve encountered seem to have outstanding self-esteems and know exactly who they are and what they want out of life. They also know what they are not willing to put up with, regardless of the race of the person in question. It’s been my observation that these women tend to be well-educated, worldly, and confident. As such, it makes no sense to go around thinking these women are just waiting to throw around “the white guy pass”.
Here is the bottom line: No self-validated and sensible black woman is running around granting passes of ANY kind to ANYBODY hoping to take advantage of her. Any woman who does this has issues she needs to sort out as soon as possible. And the black women who do this are certainly N-O-T the standard representation of black women who swirl. No matter what venom some people try and spew.
Question: Do YOU think “white guy passes” exist? Do you give them out? Have you had WM expecting a “pass” from you?
*It’s one thing if you are looking for a fun fling, but I’ve seen way too many stories from women abroad complaining about that guy who fed them a few cheesy lines in a heavy accent and then once the sex occurred suddenly lost interest (an in some cases, just as suddenly spoke amazing English). This wouldn’t apply to the women who know full well what they want from the beginning and aren’t looking for anything long-term.
I was not being sarcastic. I admire a woman that knows she deserves to be treated well and lives it. I have not met any man that really has taken that deep of an interest in me in that way. I like to read books, blogs and would attend a class. Thank you for your response.
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