Question of the Week

21, Pregnant with Second Child, Wants to Swirl?!

This letter appeared in my inbox:

Hi, I’m a 21 year old black female who swirled once when I was in high school and became pregnant by the white guy unfortunately he turned out to be crazy so I cut off all ties with him and raise my beautiful mixed daughter on my own. I then decided that I wouldn’t date white men again based on that experience but recently I have been getting “swirl fever” from seeing all these handsome white men. And I want to try again but there is one huge problem… My current black boyfriend of 2 years and I had been fighting and decided to break up until I found out I was pregnant.. I’m so worried that guy (particularly white guys) would not like a young girl like me who already has one child and then pregnant with another one. What should I do, do I even have a chance??? I really wanted to try dating a white guy again…. Please keep anonymous

I’m literally at a loss for words. You got pregnant in high school by a white guy, swore them off, and NOW you’re pregnant by a black guy, and what you’re worried about right now is whether white guys are going to be open to you with one biracial child and one full black child? Dating is the last thing you need to be thinking about. You’re barely out of being a teenager and about to be a single mother of two, and I peeped your Facebook page, and you’re working fast food, chile. You’re going to school too, I see. At this point, your only hope to raise yourself out of inevitable poverty is to STAY in school and get a profitable vocation, and STOP having babies by every boyfriend you get. I know this sounds harsh, but my heart literally ACHES when I read stuff like this, because you have no idea how much you will compromise your future, and I’m ANGRY that no one is close enough around you to TELL YOU THE TRUTH about how truly HARD this is going to be for you. Have you entertained the possibility of terminating the pregnancy? Now is not the time for selective morality–you really need to set the church aside and think this through. If it’s too late for an abortion, it might be time to look into adoption. Give yourself and that child a chance. You BOTH need to grow up.

The hard truth is, a man might forgive one “OOPS!” but two or three? There’s a pattern and it appears that you don’t make good decisions that affect your entire life so why would he look at you as a serious love interest? It also calls into question your value if you have not one, but two men you’ve borne children for and neither of them married you. Trust me I know. I came to my marriage with one child, and I can guarantee you my husband would have run in the opposite direction had I had more.

Another harsh truth is that generally, the white community is a bit less accepting of single unmarried mothers (40% white out of wedlock rate)with multiple fathers, and while you might be surrounded by people who normalize this (73% black out of wedlock rate), once you step out of the matrix you’ll realize that quality men with options USE THEM. You have to ask yourself a question: what would a single young man in his early twenties want with a two-time 21 year-old baby mama regardless of race?

I also fear for your children, because the men you’ll attract in general must be vetted and you must ensure the well being and safety of them at all times. This is your maternal obligation. You are not entitled to a man, dear heart. But your children deserve a mother who is less concerned about her love life and more focused on their care taking.

You’re 21. You should carefree and childless in college, dating the rainbeau, not saddled with two children I wonder if you have the emotional maturity to raise.

I see it’s time to dust off this video. Please everyone, share this far and wide. It’s time we wake these sisters up. There’s more to life that the black baby mama struggle.

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.