Dating & Marrying Ethnic Men

Asian Men…I’m Getting To a Certain Point Where I’m Ready to Throw it In.

Asian man

There’s no doubt that people of color are constantly jockeying for the spot as model minority status in this country, but no such group strives as such more than Asian people. I have a tremendous amount of respect for their discipline, self-sacrifice, and unity.

But it’s that unity that I believe can be a major stumbling block for dating Asian men. Yes; there’s a handful of success stories, but I have to be honest…they are few. And compared to the amount of white men interested in interracial dating, it far outweighs that of Asian men.

Since we did the video conference on BW/AM couples, I’ve gotten a HUGE amount of private emails from Asian men. Some say they love dating black women and prefer it, but still there are others who are not shy about being honest about the real challenges.

To compound the issue, a long time fan of this site, married for years to an Indian man which whom she shares a son, suddenly separated from her husband because of pressure in the Indian community who has never accepted my friend. Here’s what she told me: “His culture and ex wife started a personal jihad against me and [my husband] folded like a envelope. Warn black women who are with foreign men about the community pressure. Stick with American men.”

And then, there’s the email I received just tonight…

Hi Christelyn,

My name is [withheld] and I’m an Asian man in my late 20s. I saw your video about Asian Men Dating Black Women and I wanted to give you my two cents.
I’ll start off by making some generalizations which are obviously not all-encompassing, but possess a good amount of truth. I’m sure you are no stranger to the whole “Asians are very traditional” argument. While this is beaten to death, it doesn’t make it any less truthful.
I don’t want to give a history lesson, but basically speaking your typical Asians like Koreans, Chinese, Indians, etc live in societies with large populations which creates a lot of pressure and competition. In such a scenario your family is your number one source of support and livelihood, so a lot of Asians don’t dare defy their parents for that reason. For historical reasons Asian countries also tend to be very homogeneous in population so there isn’t a lot of exposure to “diversity” and all that stuff that we take for granted in the US & the West. And for historical reasons Asians tend to be distrustful of foreigners. Anyways, just a bit of historical background which is really simplified for the purpose of brevity.
Whether they are FOBs or American born, most Asians tend to live in families that actively practice their native traditions. Indians born in America still learn Indian arts, language, music, etc. The Chinese, Koreans, and others are not that much different in that regard. In practice that means that they spend a lot of time in a social circle that encourages traditions and racial conformity.
So that is your average Asian man summed up. Obviously not all are like that, but this is a fairly accurate description of the majority.
Now lets turn to how Black women are perceived. I will not beat around the bush and straight up say that Black people are not well perceived by Asians. Most Black women that one runs into are the “ratchet” type of girls who are loud, obnoxious, and lazy. Of course there are plenty of genuine, well mannered, and educated black girls, but quite frankly they are the minority of Black women. You know this to be a fact. Statistically speaking in a span of their life an Asian man will run into more ratchet girls than not. So that is one of the reasons why the perception is not positive.
So with the pressure to confirm to their parents, conform to the culture, to keep cultural harmony, dating outside one’s Asian race is already difficult enough. Add to that the general negative perception of Black people as drug dealers, criminals, ratchet, etc. and you have a mismatch on multiple levels.
So when a “shy,” and traditional Asian piano boy runs into a Black girl there is already a smoke cloud of pre-judgement before any interaction takes place. No matter how un-stereotypical she may be, overcoming the negative perception alone will probably stop most guys from taking the interaction any further. The ones who do persevere are now presented with the next question of whether or not dating a black girl is worth upsetting their parents. The guys who are willing to explore the relationship are therefore few and far in between.
Whew, what a long winded email. But obviously this is just barely scratching the surface of this complex issue. Again I used a lot of generalizations, but I do believe that what I said is more or less accurate. I’d love to hear your thoughts regarding this.
[name withheld]
Sigh. Honestly, if you have to convince an entire group that you are “not like that,” coupled with a very real possibility the man’s parents won’t be accepting, I just become so hesitant to encourage this. Sure; there’s white men who might not ever date a black woman, but you literally have a million more who will. I feel like at this point vetting an Asian male means gauging EARLY how close he is with his family and the local Asian community. If those ties are strong, proceed with extreme caution.
What do you think about all this, family?
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