Why are black women so insecure? It’s a comment often used to criticize and marginalize us. The question is thrown around without the benefit of contextualizing the reasons. The onus is solely on us to manufacture security in a vacuum, as external forces beyond are control barrage us contrary messages. And because being secure in oneself, a byproduct of self esteem, can’t be woven from thin air, many of us fail to hit the mark. This absence of an essential element for wellbeing is expressed often in negative ways. We lash out. We overcompensate. We put on airs of false bravado. We are quick to anger.
I saw all this yesterday when I posted an interview Question of the Week and featured a cute and bubbly Asian woman to highlight the fact that we as black women need to stop focusing on how we don’t “measure up” and use more mental, physical and spiritual energy toward cultivating our best selves. The video was harmless, and meant to be encouraging. But there was a handful of my subscribers who are completely outraged that I would have the gall to share my platform with an Asian girl, which in their view, reinforced her superiority over them. The insecurity and inferiority they felt about my guest was redirected to anger and outrage toward me. So I addressed it.
I will be addressing this issue in more depth in a mini-book I’m working on…Online Dating Glamorously. Here’s an excerpt:
“What if I don’t FEEL Glamorous?”
Good question. Here’s the truth: absolutely every woman has, at some point, doubted herself. Even the most beautiful women falter in confidence about their desirability. I get it. I’ve been there too. Ever heard the term, “fake it till you make it?” That’s exactly what you’ve got to do, because confidence is the cornerstone of exuding glamour.
Now I’m not like other coaches who will give you some rah-rah about how self-esteem comes from within, and you have to love yourself before you can love others. Frankly, statements like that annoy me, because it assumes that you can “go get some self esteem” like you can go down aisle 8 for some shampoo. Oh! Self esteem? That’s all I needed? Well let me go order some on Amazon. Self esteem is cultivated more from what you do, than what you are.
Think about the last time you accomplished something that was really hard—like graduating from college or mastering a new skill. How did you feel about yourself when you completed it? Probably pretty damn good, right? As your further develop, cultivate and refine, your accomplishments and personal growth will make you feel good about yourself.
The Importance of Inner Confidence
Inner confidence is synonymous with what you feel is your personal worth. If you feel worthless, your love comes cheaply, and low-quality men are expert at sniffing out your insecurities and exploit them. If you don’t feel like you’re worth treating well, your tolerance for foolishness is high. You might think, “well, he looks at other women and skips dates with me at the last minute, but he might be the best I can get.” But the more you cultivate your inner self and achieve your personal goals, the more you convince YOURSELF of your worth, and trust me—men pick up on that energy.
Now does that mean you have to run out and get an XYZ degree and eleventy certifications in other to start feeling good about who you are? Absolutely not! Remember, this is about you, and the expectations and goals you give to yourself. Always wanted to start a garden? Do it. Even if it’s a few little pots with herbs. What to travel internationally? Start putting away $20 a week and make it happen. Want to learn a new language or ballroom dancing? What are you waiting for? Once you start completing those small goals for yourself, the more accomplished and well rounded you feel.
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