I wrote the first part in response to the negative attitudes I’d seen from single black women regarding marriage. Specifically people who have never been married in their lives, but keep trying to tell other black women how terrible and overrated marriage is.
Since writing the first part I’ve had a chance to think about the things I’ve seen and experienced regarding these type of black women. The very emotional response from some women is a signal that something is going on internally that they haven’t properly dealt with. You don’t get THAT stirred up about a topic that doesn’t directly involve you unless something has been triggered.
I am for HAES or Health At Every Size. In the process of looking up information on it, I found an article by a fat-acceptance advocate called, “The Fantasy of Being Thin”. Whether you agree with the article or the author’s belief system is not the point. It’s just that when I read the article, I realized that this person stumbled onto a sentiment that went far beyond pants size: A lot of people react badly to being told something that shakes their personal reality, whatever it may be.
The article was at the back of my mind when I was hearing such ugly comments from some black women. People only ever get that ugly when, not necessarily their fantasy, but their “bubble of reality” is threatened. This is true EVEN IF NO ONE WAS TALKING TO OR ABOUT THEM. It’s the exchange of ideas that’s scary, as if the existence of an idea puts their personal reality in jeopardy.
Everyone has their own version of reality. Though realities can be similar, none are exactly the same. Our past experiences and future dreams combine to shape our view of how the world works. There are aspects of our worldview that are malleable, meaning they can change. That’s because the information being lobbed at us isn’t so uncomfortable or ground-breaking that we can’t adapt to it.
Then there are aspects of our psyche that are figuratively set in stone. We know certain things to be true, and they make up the foundation of our reality. When someone or something shakes the basis of what we feel to be true about ourselves and the world, the reaction is bound to be violent. The person doing the shaking, even unintentionally, may be startled at the level of anger and hurt involved. Because often they don’t realize they’ve put someone’s entire world in danger.
Telling a black woman to get married when she doesn’t consider it a possibility for her is seen as an insult because everything she knows about men says that men won’t marry her.
“Black women don’t get married.”
And even when such women grudgingly accept the possibility of marriage, they believe it’s important to have a parachute packed for when (not if, but when) everything comes crashing down. In their eyes, only foolish black women ever completely trust a man to stay and reveal that level of vulnerability.
I read a comment by someone who said that mothers taught their daughters to stand on their own two feet. I have a mother who taught me many things. I indeed learned to stand on my own two feet, but I also learned that I have people to catch me when I fall. And that it’s okay to LET them!
No one said being married meant having a perfect life and it’s not something guaranteed to solve ANY of your problems. NOTHING IN LIFE IS CERTAIN BUT DEATH AND TAXES!
The only thing that will ever make you whole is YOU.
You have to work on yourself and your foundation. If it is weak then recognize no one else can fix it but you. Don’t lash out at other people, because this only hurts you more in the end. Instead, be honest with yourself about what your issues are. Then proceed to get the help and therapy you need so you can move on with your life.